it's been rather unfortunate that i haven't had time to write anything for the past few months. i've missed the opportunity to record previous feelings, which have now been replaced with present feelings, and the best i can do now is to reformulate such feelings again, though it would seem to me less meaningful.

(it is also unfortunate that i can only present to you a blog entry like other blog entries, due to these present feelings. )

i have been rather busy with school this term. this 2b term has been dubbed to be one of the toughest academic terms for many engineers. ode, mods, thermo, digital logic and dynamics, certainly makes for a very difficult combination. having the mental preparation for the true difficulty of the term, i had already started working hard from the beginning, resulting in above average midterm marks. the term progresses, and i continue to work hard, but in the end, finals simply could not be beat. for good or for worse, very similar occurences of this happened to many different friends, both close and not as close. more than ever are there friends that worry about passing the term. i can look inside everyone and see what effect school is having on them. the worries that it produces inside each person, and the stresses and frustrations built up, but generally not let out.

it is a scary thought, because such a school has been subconsciously (or consciously) equated to a live war. fellow soldiers, training together, fighting together, side by side. we live together, and struggle together, and overcome together, and such a struggle only brings us close together as a family. we can see in each other what the fighting is doing to us, and sometimes we offer words of encouragement, but other times know that we are powerless to do anything, because you yourself are in the same situation yourself.

or we don't overcome together, and you see your family, shot in the chest, bullet sifting through the body like it was just a simple piece of cloth. the body that was once your friend, falls to the ground, blending with the rest of dying scenery. then they fade away.

a bit dramatic? very! what ached my heart the most this term were those that have had absolutely no rest from such a fight, and are forced to go through such a struggle. maybe i've become more and more weak-hearted, or my notorious actionless care for others has grown even more.

i think that the effects of such a school has numbed my feelings for everything else. how else can one care about a person except for school support? there wasn't any other way. that theme of mind continued until i got sick of it, not feeling any benefits that i potentially created for others. yet the soreness of school was ever present in the people around me, and my heart became torn.

now that school is all over, what does that result in? i've realized what has been missing in these difficult school days, and am working to restore what has left me. back home in toronto again, i'm to readjust to living back at home, as well as reaccustom myself to groups of friends (questionable?), and who i am to be in these groups. my mind has been a mess, losing ability to focus a thought on myself for long periods of time, and even more difficulty thinking of ways to improve myself, as well as muster motivation to do so.

in any case, back in unfamiliar toronto, it's my own responsibility to make it all familiar again, perhaps even more than that for once.
(i think i will see some interesting comments.)