i think i might be going through symptoms of depression.

self reflection can be a torment sometimes. to see how much i can avoid from thinking about myself this past while is an unexpected shock. including final assignment wrap-up, studying for exams, end of term hangouts, packing and unpacking, uprooting and resettling, it's been over a month of hustle-bustle and.. negligence. we are always too busy or too tired or too bored or too deserving of a break to dedicate time to think about ourselves, and as a result our actions occur by reflex.

coming back to toronto, even with a week of break after exams were finally over, i've tried so hard to sit myself down and think about what i have done for the past 4 months and what i need to change and improve. but in the end it's always talking to other people that's more important, or watching this show or that show or that hockey game is more entertaining and seductively unengaging. or i deserve to go out and "socialize" with people (which ends up being not that social).

amidst all those break activities as going out to eat with people, watching tv, playing games, and just totally turning off my brain, i barely manage to get some thinking time. it brings me a lot of shame to think of some events that have occured in the past month, different thought patterns that i've gotten into, and reflexive actions which show my lack of self-control and discipline. i am disappointed with the image that others see of me. i continually tell myself that i am someone with a lot of very positive qualities, but those qualities have never show and i can only see a victor with bad qualities.

call me pessimistic, but i know exactly what i've done wrong and have been doing wrong. first entry of the evaluating me series coming soon.