a word to uncle screwtape

i want to commend to you what an excellent job you've been doing with your work. you've managed to chip at my spirit slowly but surely, rendering most of my previously built defences not usable. you developed a plan, you set goals, and you worked relentlessly at it, and those are definitely strong signs of initiative and ambition.

you were able to eliminate any desires to read the bible or to pray. i would tell myself that i wouldn't feel like it. or that it was useless, or it was difficult. and we say that that is what protects us most from the enemy, is closeness with God. and you were able to convince me not that it was useless, but that there was another better time to do it. when that is, i never asked myself.

you're able to take something that is good in itself, and twist it. take the things that i thought i was good at, and use them for the wrong purposes. music and singing doesn't sound beautiful anymore. a good strong thinker? you interest me in other meaningless things, and telling myself that i've heard all the useful stuff. i know enough theology, i know the bible, i know christianity. i don't need to learn anymore. i don't need to think about this, i've already thought about it before. and then before you know it, my brain is just numb from the lack of stimulation, and i had no desire to change that. you are certainly doing a good job, uncle screwtape.

you are able to take advantage of weaknesses. what am i bad at.. well, there is never really a voice to tell me what i am bad at. there is a voice telling me what i'm good at, whether that is actually true or not, and i easily neglect what i am bad at. laziness? lust? pride? the whole shebang. and when i am about to do these things, you make sure that my mind has been numbed and turned off, so that i cannot defend against you. by that time it is already too late, and i am in your grasp.

and now, even more.. regular things that even nonchristians would think about, things like what to do in an evening, or what to cook for dinner, whether to go to the gym. such regular things. now i don't even have motivation to do that. it looks like i don't have motivation to do things in life. or that i am not doing things right. then my own self-confidence is attacked, that i can't do things right.

so there's one more thing i want to say. in the beginning i said that you've got excellent planning skills and such, to administer your little plan. well what about me? they say that a strong man should know what to do with their life, how to plan their life out, and to set goals to achieve. how am i doing with that? not so well either. when i notice a problem that i have to deal with, i don't make a plan to solve the problem, but i avoid the pain and the trouble. i avoid the responsibility to get things right, and i do things that make me feel good but avoid the work.

indeed, uncle screwtape, you are doing splendid.

we love you, jesus..

i'm the kind of guy that never reads ppl's song lyrics when they post it up on their blogs. but i cannot help it here. "we love you, jesus", the radio song for shane and shane's new album, pages. an absolute declaration of love that we can only pray and ask that the Holy Spirit can give to us.

life has so many difficulties and decisions that give us so much pain. and only after you truly look at yourself can you see where you are. by the time you realize to do so, then you've already made a wall so protective that even you yourself do not know what to do about yourself. and when you try to jump the wall, you find a pain so profound and a need so great that your knees just buckle. truly, truly, if only we can love our Jesus more and more, then he will be our comforter, our breaker of walls and our healer.

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Opening the door to dine with Him.
Traveling to Earth to let us in.
Laying down His glory crown of old.
Setting up the wedding feast foretold.

Oh, we can't contain our love.
We turn it up loud!

We love You, Jesus!
For so many reasons.
For death and life and freedom.
Even now, we love you.

What manner of love is this that You would say
your sin is Mine, I'll take it to the grave. (then rising).
Death oh, death where is your sting today?
Death is swallowed up in victory.

We love You, Jesus!
For so many reasons.
For death and life and freedom.
Even now, we love you.
We love You, Jesus!
In and out of seasons.
In valleys and on top of mountains.
Even now, can we sing.

We love you Jesus!
Jesus!

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