two pages, double spaced, part one.

the queens teacher's college year comes to a close this wednesday april 30. a pillar of teacher's college education is the reflection paper, and we've had to do so many that it has become trite. all the students know what they are looking for, so we give them what they want. despite that, i have been doing my own reflection that i take more seriously. i'll write down a few points here in several posts, because i still need some time to go through my thoughts for the whole year.

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this year has been a time of meeting new people. in fact i have met a lot more people this year than probably the past five years combined. when i started this program, i did not think it would happen this way but it was a surprise. what i did know early on was that the entire education program had around 600 students, which can be further segregated into different categories. realistically, i would only have the reach of my 5 classes x ~25 students per class = 125 students if interacting with people at 100% effectiveness. that isn't realistic, and i probably fired at more like 10-15%.

but i went into it fairly excited because i had decided this was a year to be away from the chinese christian bubble that i was deep into when i was in waterloo. it was a good chance to become friends with non-christians find a chance to share the gospel (wasn't good at that). the most apparent thing to me had been the age difference. the majority of students here graduated from their undergrad on the previous year, which would make me 5 years older. everyone i've met are mature 23 year olds with some morality that are decently hard working and strive to become good teachers. i participated in their conversations, but the age difference was clear for me. life experience and working made me care less about the outcome of school work. effort wasn't worth it without payout (effort wasn't worth it for me even when i had payout). perhaps it was a confidence that i didn't have to care about anything yet everything will be okay, because i believed that i've done what's needed in the present, and will have what it takes in an uncertain future. maybe i felt older because i haven't truly changed my view that i was supposed to become a student.

meeting people took a quick and progressive turn as there were previous waterloo grads in the program. i took the momentum into my own hands and managed to create a community of chinese christians which i spent the majority of my time with. more on that another time.

here is the lesson that i gained from all this meeting people talk. meeting students is one thing but it was the most amazing meeting people that were:

1. passionate about what they do
2. are good at what they are doing
3. are willing to help you become passionate/become good at their craft

i saw this firstly with some of the profs i had. i had okay relationship with a few of the profs, and found i was able to have more honest conversations with them than i ever did with profs. maybe part of me felt unable to be completely open with the younger folk and the profs were maybe closer in maturity than me? that was funny to think about, that i was old enough to talk to 50+ year olds.

secondly i started going on practicums where i had to work directly with two different associate teachers (as well as their colleagues in the dept, of which some had more impact on me than others). i got an unpaid internship at desire2learn inc no thanks to myself and met many people in my department willing to help me, teach me and become friends at least for the short term. in fact, these were all people that were teaching and preparing me to make an opportunity for myself in the future. my natural response was gratefulness for their efforts, and a slight feeling of being in debt to them too. i also felt a lot of respect for these people who were good in their field, that they are capable of teaching me, yet still do their jobs well.

by now i feel like i have a few people up on pedestals, either by way of respect/gratitude/in debt, or by way of friendship appreciation. i made efforts to network and stay connected with work people, and i've added more people to my network of regular keep up friends to the point that even i thought i was outdoing myself. wouldn't put down my phone. i did my best to create socially successful situations, i provided extra attention to others where necessary, and tried to manage it all like i was conducting an orchestra. it was all a work of art.

i remember that "all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." all the people that i love, and all the people that i respect and am in debt to, are sinners just like i am. those people have been great to me, and others have just been average acquaintances, but everyone needs a saviour just like i do. those pedestals don't bring them any closer to Christ. i need to garner my expectations from a reactive place of sheer gratitude/appreciation and couple it with the doctrine that what people do can be valuable but it does not earn our salvation.

the search for love and for passion is on the hearts of everyone, but it must be rooted in the desire for people to know Christ. otherwise everything will go out of control.

two X fourteen = twentyeight

say whatever youth related cliche you want, but when one can start recalling a memory with the phrase "10 years ago.." where the memory is when you are an adult, then you have surpassed the cliches. you are no longer young at heart. no matter what life stage you are, you are a full fledged adult living an adult life. i came to this realization a few years earlier but now that i have 28, "10 years ago" was 18, considered the official age of adulthood. perhaps last year i psyched myself out with some panic about my life direction, but this year there is no turning back.

don't get me wrong though. when i say that i am old, it is almost always not in a negative light. i do have a level of anxiety regarding life direction just like anyone else would. i recognize that i have taken a step back in the general perceived pace of both career path and with relationships compared to the many of my peers, and with that are their associated challenges. but being older has also been a celebration of collected experiences that can be rummaged through like a case of miscellaneous trophies, perhaps taken out to admire and reflect upon at the right moment. younger folk have empty cases.

for me, it's also been a relief not to have to go through certain firsts again. at least now they will be seconds or thirds. my signature cynicism is still accepting applicants, but current members need not reapply. for a slower admission, i would have a bit of relief.

one of the most valuable parts of age is.. backing. my life experience gives me backing for the future.

in honour of twenty eight years, this is written based on the numerology as written in the title. and so, here are fourteen dualities for you to think about. and for me to decide.

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introversion - in the quiet. in the stillness. watch, think, observe, learn.

extroversion - a life of the party, while secretly drawing in outsiders to create life of their own.

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tragedy - welcomes pain because adapted to pain, absorb pain. romanticizing sacrifice.

comedy - everything is funny. let's make everyone's day!

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compassion - i don't shy away from pain but i want to take it away from everyone else.

narcissism - my way or the highway. can't see you can't hear you.

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visionary - inspire machine, seek for me a new song, a new idea. paint for me a palette of new futures.

execution - right now, you can't stop me from doing anything else but this. damn right i'm good at it.

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diligence - goal setting, focus, brute force, silence until completion.

apathy - freecell.

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bitterness - it's half empty because.

acceptance - there isn't any way you can come to me that i will not accept.

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creation - give every opportunity to fail 100 times just for the 1 masterpiece.

consumption - i'm here thirsting for analysis, for thinking, for knowledge, for news, for sports news, for entertainment news, for movies, for shows. for just sitting here, consuming.

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