being your own enemy

being your own enemy.

this was the topic of the sermon this morning at church. and for once, the message actually went to my mind.

it was a clear explanation as to why life was going the way it was. sometimes i wonder if there was some way to.. look at yourself from the outside, as if you were another person, and to do that right. if that was possible, life would be in a totally different perspective.

you would begin to see your own habits. what was once invisible becomes completely clear. maybe your own way of walking to the store, eating your food, or something more than that. but it becomes very clear to you.

you would begin to see how you truly interact with people. what was once invisible becomes completely clear. your mannerisms. your tone of voice. how you say something actually comes out as something totally different. maybe you think about this, and you realize how big of a dork you were. or how much of an encourager you could be. but all this, you will begin to see.

of course, you would begin to see how you make decisions in your life. what was once invisible becomes completely clear. what you choose to do first, and what you choose to do next, and why. you would see what your true motives really are, not just what you thought they were. you learn what really is important to you, and not just what you thought was important. all this, you would see when you knew how to look.

there are certainly more things that we could see if we could look at ourselves from the outside. certainly, i believe that God sees us this way very clearly. He not only knows what we see, but He knows what is real. it is unfortunate that we are not capable of seeing life in this light, because it distorts reality. this is how you become your own enemy.

the enemy is discreet. he moves into where you are weak, and he plants his little tent. he has little interruption there, as he begins to plan his next move. you notice him, but he has meant you no harm. so you leave him, and walk away, while he watches you leave, and begins to set up for his ultimate attack. his territory grows. still you do not heed to the warnings of your mind, but soon he will take over. and he does take over. one day you return to see him, but the entire area had been taken over. he has launched his attack, and amalgamated himself to you. you become him.

this is what i notice today. i noticed that i have forgotten what is most important, and i have been captured in my own pride and strength. i was deluded, and i believe that i still am. but i pray for no more of this. i pray for change. i pray for a new character. i pray for a heart of love and humility. for a victor that works with all he can, alongside of his saviour. for a victor that relies on the strength of Christ, the convicting energy of the Spirit, and the wisdom of the Word. and for a victor that fights like a soldier, never to give up, but to always stand again when he his down. and to stand up all the more gloriously, in the hand of his Father.

this is what i pray. what about you today? have you become your own enemy? are you blinding yourself from things that you should be seeing? maybe you are. if you think so, maybe you could try a simple exercise. think of some different people that you interact with. how are your interactions with "you"? what does "you" act like? is there any possibility that "you" has offended you? why do you think that "you" would say and act a particular way, and based on what? try this with different people, with different incidents. then also try it with the Word of God. what does the Word of God say about how you live?

that is it. do not become your own enemy. it is hard to get out.

victor

what would you do?

if you were given these choices, what would you do?

if you had a choice between an inexpensive meal with low quality, or an expensive meal with lots of goodness, which one would you buy?

and if you could eat that meal with full enjoyment, but at the risk of sloppiness, or you could eat that meal with limited enjoyment, without the risk of sloppiness, then how would you eat?

if you were to get somewhere, and you could either take the major roads with traffic, or you could take the small streets, not knowing whether it would be faster or not, but with a lot less traffic, which route would you take?

if you wanted to buy a cd, and there was a cd that was on sale, and another cd that was full priced, but it was better, which one would you buy?

if you were looking for a form of transportation, and biking was the only option, but it was too difficult to execute, what would you do?

if your friend asked you for a favour, but it was totally out of your convenience, what would you do?

if there are friends that you haven't seen coming for a short time, but you don't have time to spare, what would you do?

if you have to choose between your friend or your priorities, what would you do?


(explanations are required.)

part 3

I stayed about 10 metres behind him. He wasn't walking very fast, waddling his little feet through clumsy clothes. He put down his Spiderman comic on a nearby shelf as he hopped on the escalator going down. I followed. I tried to watch him without actually looking at him, pretending to look at something else. His hands held the handrail, and he looked around curiously. I tried to look up ahead to see where the group of strangers were heading. They had already left the bookstore, and were walking into the mall. I knew the boy was going to keep following. Briefly I saw one guy turn back and wave to the boy, telling him to hurry. The boy responded by running over to the crowd. My heart skipped a beat. I was going to run after him and tell him that it wasn't safe, but I couldn't. And I was still not sure.

They kept walking through the mall, looking at the different stores that sold different things. They weren't in a hurry, and enjoyed the time together. But I couldn't help but notice that they were walking toward a particular corridor, lit in red, at the end of the hall. The crowd stopped. The boy now stood behind the corridor, about to step in.

"Are you really going to go in?" one teeanger in the crowd said to the little boy. "It could be dangerous."
He nodded. "I'm going to go in. I think it's worth it." Another teenager said, "It may be too much. You don't need to go all the way."
"We'll see what happens," he replied. And without looking back, he walked into the red-lit corridor. And he disappeared!

I screamed. Disappeared? Into thin air? All of him. I didn't hesitate to run to the crowd and shout at them.
"Where is he?!"
They looked at me like I was crazy. "You know where this leads," one said.
Me?
"What are you talking about?"
"You know where this leads! Don't think that we didn't see you follow him. Otherwise you wouldn't have went in."
What the heck were they talking about?
"He's just a KID!" I yelled.
They didn't respond. I saw some of them whisper amongst themselves, and some beginning to walk away. I was angry at them, and I shouted at them. But I didn't realize that in the emotion I had stepped into the corridor as well.

The mall left behind me, and the red lit corridor began to fade away. All of a sudden, my body jolted, as if a shock of electricty ran through my body. I fell to the ground, and my body and mind was numb. Rushes of emotion went through my head. I felt happiness, sadness, excitement, pain. I didn't realize it, but I was screaming. I couldn't see. I couldn't hear. I couldn't..

It stopped. I opened my eyes.

(Where the heck is he now? Our little boy is walking away by himself.. gonna get abducted by aliens or something.. our hero better be able to save him..)

phew

it looks safe now.

it's been fixed. i actually was overobservant. what a funny series of events.

i let out a sigh of relief as things seemed to come to a close. i look and see how it is now, glad, but with a sense of foreboding.

thank you for the anonymous posting, whoever you may be. i'd prefer postings with names.. so that maybe we could talk.

what i made myself to be now is what others do not always expect of me.

holding composure

it seems like my own well-being dangles by a thread. i said short pain better than long pain, and here it will soon come, if not already here.

i think i can see the full picture now. the full picture angers me inside, but it is no one's fault but ourselves, and the motion of life. ourselves we can change, but life we cannot control.

maybe it is inevitable, as i said. it would probably happen eventually, for our own good. it cannot last forever.

maybe i am jumping the gun. over-observant this time?
no.. it looks right.

is it really? can i be sure?
please don't do it.. please.. i put in too much.. too much love.. i loved too much.

and i said that i could do it.
if i really have to do it, then i'll do it.

gotta hold my composure.