thinking back the past month...

in thinking back the past november and early december, the first thought would be that i was completely consumed by school and very little else. the idea of being consumed by a single thing often is my loose definition of the lack of life, and because of that leads to a bad feeling about how my time was spent.

but when i think back again with a wider perspective, i can't deny that the past few weeks have been nothing short of colourful.

i am thoroughly convinced that i am a person that is like no other. let me prove that to you.

1. on the day of my first exam, i thought that it would be a good idea to go skating. as i got onto the ice, i noticed that there were two kids skating around, not minding anyone else's business but their own. i sensed that this may be a disaster in the long run, but thought nothing much more of it. i skated pretty quickly once or twice around the rink, working on crossovers. i did a crossover at the turn, but started to lose balance. the kids skating in unpredictable directions decided to stop right in my path, and as i was already losing balance, stopping was not really an option. i ended up hitting the kid from behind. after we both recovered from the fall, the kid got up as if nothing happened, but i had a large pain in my left knee. based on external observations, it was said that my knee had slammed into the kid's helmet. now i have a large bruise on my knee the size of a softball, and a reputation i enjoy attacking children. and of course, my heat transfer exam did not go too well, and if i didn't go skating, i could have done much better. fanfrickintastic.

2. one of my most academically heavy terms, all i can really remember is work. on the friday, my industrial metallurgy report was due on the friday. i ended up writing around 2750 words for that report in the span of a day. monday was the due date of my final design report, and when i handed that in, i wrote a total of 7239 words on saturday, sunday and monday. that is a total of 9989 words, in the span of 4 days. i wish i just wrote 11 more words to make it 10000 words. incredible.

3. another story that seems to be quite well known by now involves an encounter at slc. i was studying heat transfer at the side of the tables. jason was sitting on the sofa to the left of me, talking to one of his friends. she decided to throw his jacket at him, and it fluttered my sheets and the jacket also hit me in the face. in my frustration of studying radiation, i was very annoyed at the whole ordeal. i gave her a good long look which was really like 3-5 seconds of cuteye, threw off my earphones and stuff and walked outside. this walking was for the purpose of waiting for them to finish talking, and not that i was so annoyed to the point that i didn't want to be in the same area as them. jason proceeded to come and see whether i was okay, which i was of course. when i went back, i saw a sheet of paper at my seat. herman was in the process of moving the stuff from my side seat to another seat, so i helped him, and i noticed the note, which appeared to be an apology note, and without looking at it for more than a millisecond, i pushed it away. then i continued to do my own thing. the girl persisted on an apology, but by this time, i didn't care anymore and just wanted to get back to work. she stood around waiting for the opportunity, but i didn't give her one, as i started a conversation with herman. after that was over, she went up to me and tapped my shoulder. i was unable to ignore that, so i took off my earphones, and she said she was really sorry. i didn't look at her because i wanted it to be over, and i accepted her apology. that was more or less the end of it, but later, various people came to me that were sent by her to apologize on her behalf. some other crazy things that i heard was that she wanted to cry or she wanted to buy me bubble tea or things like that. who would have thought.

4. a recent observation of my instant messaging habits (likely to have conversations at least once every 3 days):

Number of Guys that i talk to regularly: 7
Number of Girls that i talk to regularly: 9

% Guys: 43.75%
% Girls: 56.25%

kind of surprising, i thought that it would be very lopsided. for those of you who think that i only talk to girls. in my defense, two of the girls i've only started talking to recently, but all the guys i've talked to for years. it is also a bit crazy that i talk to a total of 16 people regularly.

5. the last week of men's cell was my opportunity to get feedback for the term. on top of that, i tried my best to stick my theme of finding opportunities to do hard things, based on the book "do hard things" by alex and brett harris. one of such hard things was doing something that you cannot do on your own. getting feedback from the guys was very difficult, as they had nothing to say. so i suggested that we have some kind of presentation thing that could show ccf on friday what is it that we do at men's cell. i suggested them two ideas: a) their favourite men's cell moments or things that they learned or b) that we do something for women's cell. i think they liked the idea, but were not able to produce usable ideas. we finally decided that we would make them a gift. we decided upon a bookmark, because jacky knew a bit of something about origami. we proceeded to make a trip out to look for materials, going all over campus. jacky and greg made a prototype and i liked it. we decided to meet the next day (thursday). of course, i had my industrial metallurgy project due friday, and i could only meet up with them in the midst of working on my project with herman and jonny. jacky and greg finalized the bookmark and got to work. me and mark and sanderz picked a good verse to put on the bookmark (1 pet 3:3-4 nkjv). i put the guys to work and got back to my project. the next day when my project was done, i was able to join the guys again, and we put it all together. i was given some time during ccf to share about men's cell, which is probably very normal, but while talking about the importance of men's ministry, i segwayed to talking about women's ministry, and how it is up to the girls to see that as important. then i said.. these bookmarks that we made are a reminder that the men see this ministry as important, and so they should too. and we handed out bookmarks to all the girls in the fellowship. that's something that doesn't happen on a regular basis.

6. among the busyness of life and numerous distractions, i realized that one of the abilities that i treasured the most of myself, and would seek in other people, is the ability to see and read things in life into the most deep manner and to find meaning among the trivial. perhaps due to distractions, due to busyness, or due to the lack of practice, i seem to be losing my edge.

7. i went to oasis for the first time, and serving homeless people for the first time in many years. it was a program for men's cell that i intended to put the guys out of their comfort zone. on the day that we had to go, everyone responded and said that they had a midterm on that day and couldn't make it. i had already set the date with oasis, and it was too late to turn back. and it would be pretty wuss if i thought of not doing just because everyone else didn't come. so i went by myself and luckily gabe showed up on his bike. it felt a bit easier then, and i was ready to go out of my comfort zone, one that normally doesn't start conversations with people i don't know that well. ends up that what we were put in the kitchen and were to give out sandwiches to the people. in the end, jackal and vivian also showed up, which made things a lot more comfortable, as they come to oasis every week. the experience reminded me that the "homeless" aren't what we think they are. that there is a range of people classes even among those that go to a place looking for food. and that they are just as human as we are, with same kind of mental, physical, emotional and spiritual needs as we do. and that our needs aren't the ones that matter the most, because most of the time, they are more or less covered.

8. played settlers with herman and jorge for the first time in OVER A MONTH. i can only think back to last summer when we played 3-5 games a week, to the point where i wanted to vomit settlers. but i played again friday night and it was a decisive win for me. it was 3 man settlers though, and ken was missing. so it didn't feel like the real thing. also we didn't have breakfast after we finished playing.

9. another happy story. i tend to stretch out laundry doing times just to save myself some work. but there was a day i felt like going out of that, which i regret sorely today. but i did so, and it was all fine and dandy when i got started. when the washing was done, i went downstairs to take my clothes to the dryer. to my surprise, my ipod appeared, and i realized that i left it in my hoodie pocket. in my panic, i tried to turn it on, but nothing happened. i carried on with my laundry, but only some half an hour later did i realize what i had done. soon enough came the colourful cussing and metaphorical bashing, and reconciling that my ipod nano that i bought in montreal for a little bit more for a year, is now just a decorative piece of plastic. frick.

that's all i can think of for now without feeling gulity about not studying. more to come later.

are the preconceptions and notions of christianity that we have been taught since we were little kids just getting in the way of God manifesting his Spirit in us in the way that he wants to?

that we have to unlock our personal worldviews, let go of all defensive mental triggers, let go of ourselves and your identity and have faith that now God can fully immerse your mind with nothing in the way?

is that really how it's done? because i cannot do those things easily at all, and if i have to struggle so hard to more or less disable all i am, i need to know if this is the right thing to do or not.

the quest for knowledge

when i was a child, i had already knew that i was a different person.



*
one of the best things that my parents did for me was math and chinese school. i was also forced to go to mandarin classes and art classes, but i must say that math and chinese classes had the lasting effect. the relentless training of going to agincourt on saturday mornings, photocopying my brother's kumon math sheets and brainchild math sheets (yea two for the price of one, the true chinese way), and the two brothers sitting down at the kitchen table while dad teaches the fundamentals of math, the frustration, impatience and anger clear in his threatening voice. the pain i have gone through. the reward? going to day school and realizing that i am two years ahead of the math curriculum. finishing all my math exercises in class like it was nothing, and then patrolling the classroom asking whether anyone needed any help. finishing EVERY single math test first in the class, earlier than the second person by an absolute landslide (though almost never with the highest mark). the reward was bragging rights. the pride.

as i got older, the field for math became more balanced, but soon my chinese stood out like a sore thumb. i found out that the language i spoke for my entire life, that i've been learning since i was born, was not known by at least half of my chinese friends. only VICTOR can read and write chinese. once again another opportunity to show his quality.
*

comon now, we all deal with some pride issues some time in our lives. what is the REAL issue here? things are a bit different now.

**
i first started reading the bible on my own accord somewhere around grade 7. and from my memory, the first christian book that i read was either mere christianity or case for christ, which was some time in high school. since then, my desire to learn more has been fed by a thirst to learn more about God, the world and christianity. my favourite subject had been apologetics (probably still is). this did not stop, and i would hope and believe that, only in its purest form, is still occuring today. recently i stopped myself, compelled to make a book list for myself and others of the books that i have read and plan to read, and find that my list numbered some 60 to 70 books of christian books alone over the past 5 to 8 years. granted that now i've had more affinity to buy books than to read them, it is still an impressive statistic about myself.

i think i got caught up in the buying and reading routine, and i was able to stop myself to ask next, what is the good in reading all of these books? why am i doing it now? yes, i still feel the same way as i did before, that the knowledge given me in these books are refreshing and increases my awareness and discernment. but do i remember everything that i read, and do i apply everything that i know? i know that i do not, but i love to read anyway. but if i do not apply what i have learned from reading, then why am i reading in the first place then? the image is clear again: walking the aisles of the classroom, calling out in a loud voice so that everyone could hear me, "anyone need help?".

matthew 6:2 says "so when you give to the needy, do not announce it with trumpets, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and on the streets, to be honoured by others."

pharisitic! the last thing that a christian needs to become. i hope that that is not something that i am becoming, and that the knowledge i learn from reading can be shared with people to help them grow in life.
**

***
there is more. i also have thought about what i will do after graduation. no matter what the end result is, i know that i love to read. engineering may not work out for me. i find very little of the work interesting, stimulating or anything that i can do for the rest of my life. i look to my roommates and it seems like they are looking to consulting. what is consulting? is consulting not telling or teaching someone something that they don't know? isn't that what my reading is all about? but i don't know whether i can get into consulting, especially if my engineering/technical knowledge is weak. i don't know whether i will need to just take some engineering job and suffer for a few years.

one of those rare times, i allowed my mind to venture. there were days that i wished i could do what i wanted to do. work for ravi zacharias. travel the world and lecture to all sorts of people about who Christ is, and do it with exceeding power in words and in knowledge. or work for focus on the family, and be one to help all sorts of people with their family problems. help them to face life's challenges. then tonight i remembered an idea i had a long time ago. what if i became a teacher? sure, becoming a teacher after getting an engineering degree is silly, but that's okay. a teacher, a person that shares knowledge in training for the next stage of life. could teach at a high school level and impact youth in their growth. or i could teach at a university level and impact adults in their final values (what would you teach?!). but all in all, i see the fabric of knowledge penetrate my past, my present, and my foreseen future.

this quest for knowledge will not stop. i want to keep going. as lazy as i may be sometimes, i want to learn more. i want to understand, and i want to help others understand. i hope and pray that this is God's will, God's purpose for.. me. because he made me a different person from everyone else.
***

****
2 tim 3:16-17 says "all scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that all God's people may be thoroughly equipped for every good work."

hebrews 4:12 says "for the word of God is alive and active. sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart"

the usefulness of scripture will only occur if the teaching, rebuking, correcting and training is applied, and taken into action. WORDS contain the power to divide soul and spirit, but nowhere in the bible does it say that words and knowledge will manifest the change in your life. we can easily ignore the power in a word, and then it is as if nothing as happened.

****

the problem of sleep

sleep is something that many people in my generation struggle with finding the right balance with. people stay up late to do work and study. people stay up late to party and have fun. people stay up late to talk about important stuff or to play settlers (!). whether they are legitimate or illegitimate reasons to imbalance a regular sleep routine is up for interpretation and not to be discussed here.

what is to be discussed here is why i am different from you. ever since i was a small little boy (those glorious days of freedom, innocence, and vast intelligence), i always slept a lot. my family would always call me the "lan fun ju", or "the sleepyhead" is a moderate translation. before i went to church or math/chinese school, i would always sleep in and be the last one to get out of bed in the entire family. but even if i were to be the last to get up, it was usually only by 30 minutes to an hour. i suppose my family gets tired of waiting for me and just wake me up to get the day started.

i remember there were days where i did get up on saturday morning to watch cartoons.. but i hardly remember how those days even happened, but it did happen for a few years. soon enough, church and math and chinese school came along, so i would have a reason to wake up early. this also occurred for a few years.. until i discovered instant messaging. ICQ was the big thing when i was in grade 7, and that was when i started to stay up past 11.. or 12. grade 7 was effective the start of the destruction of my sleep schedule, and all because of instant messaging. i sure got to talk a lot more with friends and got to know people a lot more.

when high school came, i tasted 430am. i tasted 530am. sometimes it was for school work, but sometimes it was for talking (there was this girl i kinda liked.. hehe), and other times it was just hanging out with the guys. but i still did not have too much difficulty getting up the next day for school. i had SOME difficulty obviously, but it wasn't so bad.. except for the one time that i slept in for my calculus exam and showed up some 30-45 minutes late.

by the time university came around.. staying up till 2 was regular practice, and there were plenty of new people to start talking to again. there were quite some late nights just from conversations or other fun activities. it's university. i also experienced my first full all nighter due to academics in first year. when second year came around, certain events happened which led to decreased motivation to go to school, and i began to skip classes. i must say that this was when my inborn sleepyhead traits since i was a kid began to emerge. not that it wasn't there when i was growing up, but it was clear here. in third year i had easily built the reputation of regularly skipping class, and now that i am in my final year, being in class is practically a bonus. let me say that 75% of the class skipping has to do with the problem of sleep. the other 25% is a mix between using the time to do work, finding the class unnecessary and the general lack of motivation to be in class (that's not a good reason, kids).

last night i slept somewhere between 1am and 2am, and i woke up the next morning at 2pm when herman knocked on my door, even after being woken up by derek at 10am. i wonder if i could have kept sleeping if herman didn't call. granted that last friday i slept at 3am and woke at 6am, and the saturday's sleep did not give me complete rest. but it is clear here. i have the tendency to sleep until my body cannot sleep anymore. until it rejects the sleep, like a cup that is too full of a liquid that it is overflowing.

so here is the problem of sleep. there are two perspectives of sleep that i know. one that sleep is important to our bodies, and that we should not deprive our bodies of the sleep that it needs. sleep is needed so that the body and mind can rest and repair itself. sleep is the body's medicine to almost anything. the other perspective is clear in the bible. proverbs 6:9-11 says "how long will you lie there, you sluggard? when will you get up from your sleep? a little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands to rest, and poverty will come on you like a thief and scarcity like an armed man." an unnamed person at my church said it succinctly: "sleeping in is for pansies." i realize that sleeping in is "a waste of time" and a lot of things can be done in the time that is slept away.

what then can be done of it? what to think of it? let me tell you, i REALLY cannot get up. when i am forcibly woken up when i am tired or in the middle of a sleep cycle, i CANNOT function, CANNOT interact, and WILL NOT treat a person like a person. this was evident on the day bily forced me up to go to waterloo mennonite brethren one sunday, and i was absolutely exhausted. i did not talk to anyone, and hated existence. at the first opportunity that i could, i jumped on a sofa at slc and napped for 3 full hours, leaving a very astonished phil chan wondering how that is possible. i did not even stay up super late the night before.

come midterm time now, where sleep is a valuable commodity, it makes me wonder what to do. nowadays, that the quality of my work and the retention of course material is not my main concern, but that i am actually able to wake up for my exam or my presentation. is sleep so important for my body, where nowadays i feel no physical burden pulling me down until the late hours of night? or am i truly the pansy of all pansies?

it is 2am now. i better go sleep.

started "victor's words of wisdom" in his notebook.

the consecutive days where you laugh so so hard that you actually have trouble holding in your pee.. oh man.

the feeling that you get when you don't know who you are or what you need to do. and you can't get out.


that there is nothing.

but everything else around you keeps moving away.

what i read and what i think

from "do hard things" by alex and brett harris

five kinds of hard things

1. things that are outside your comfort zone.

2. things that go beyond what is expected or required.

3. things that are too big to accomplish alone.

4. things that don't earn immediate payoff.

5. things that challenge the cultural norm.

*ideas that were come up by teenagers, the fact that i cannot do them though i am past that age is disappointing, though understandable that such things require lifelong learning. with reading this as well as the observations made at men's group camp, i feel like doing hard things can be a good theme for this term's men's cell.*

from "you can experience... a spiritual life" by james emery white

three deceptions of spiritual living

1. deception of morality

2. deception of knowledge

3. deception of religion

*another shock here. i came across this book when i made a trip to the scbc library, because i didn't feel like talking to people at church. i read through the first chapter and found the deceptions of spiritual living. i thought that i was a good person, that i knew a lot about christianity, and that i did the right things at church. oh how i've been deceived.*

from "the five love languages (for singles)" by gary chapman

the five love languages

1. quality time

2. acts of service

3. gifts

4. physical affection

5. words of affirmation

*loving and unloving at the same time. when i try to think about the things that i do, it is almost never a deliberate act of love toward other people, and often the exact opposite of loving. yet there are many things that i do by nature that cause many (certain) people to notice the intricate caring that i give. reminds me most of doing hard things.. be it that my conditional loving be expanded to much more. *

i'm a smart guy.
i've got a few talents.
and i'm a good person.


but i'm not as smart as i think i am.
and i'm not as talented as i think i am.
and i'm not as good a person as i think i am.

that episode of fairly oddparents where timmy gets made fun of, so he wishes that everyone looks exactly the same. and the entire world end up turning into gray blobs. because of that, all the fairy godparents can't find their kids and turn to dust. and cosmo and wanda freak out because they are about to turn to dust because they also can't find timmy among all the gray blobs. so timmy had to find some way to make himself stand out in all the gray blobs.

and then they find him and timmy wishes everything back to normal so that everyone looks just what they look like again.

we take a lot of fun in comparing people with other people or other things, and sometimes it's for a good laugh and other times it's an avenue to understand someone from a different perspective. once that has passed, one may end up musing further on how accurate the comparison truly is.

i have been compared to chandler byng because of his wit and sarcastic humour (haven't we all been compared to all of the friends?). i thought that was pretty accurate, but after dismissing it as comparison of fun, i proceeded to think about it more. and that's when i remembered mr heckles.

who is mr heckles? well haven't you seen that episode? mr heckles is the friends' upstairs neighbour, and he's appeared on multiple occasions. but mr heckles' last appearance was when he died. during that episode, chandler had been single for some time, and he didn't know why. while the friends grieved for the passing of their neighbour, they were allowed (for some reason) to search through his stuff. chandler rummaged through some of his boxes and found some of mr heckles' old yearbook. as he flipped through it, he found that there were numerous comments next to the pictures of girls. comments like "too fat." "buck teeth." "crooked nose." "manly voice." as chandler read on, he realized that.. "I'M mr heckles!" that he was still single because he was so picky on little imperfections that he wouldn't give any girls a chance.

now if i were to be commenting on why i'm single, i would obviously be digging my own grave for people to make fun, but no that wasn't what i was referring to. what i was referring to was how i've been very easily agitated or annoyed at something/someone for the past few years. to listen to myself talk, i could learn firstly of how stupid some of the things i say actually sound (haha), but also how annoying my complaints about my pet peeves of other people are. my most recent episode of that involved a harmless conversation of which i was trying to steer towards asking the person about their opinion on marriage and the planning that they've done so far about marriage and future. i asked a tangent question about whether they have thought about what kind of home they would live in, but the response i was given was approximately asking me "who i thought i was, and why i would think i deserve to know such information because i'm not that close with her". to me that was a rude and cocky response, especially in the light that i was just trying to direct a conversation to something more meaningful for the group of people in the room to also participate in. i personally didn't feel the question that sensitive at all. my response to her response was frustration and annoyance, and i just gave up that effort altogether.

sometimes there are situations where my frustrations toward people are justified (to me), but who says what justification is enough? i used to think that my tolerance for people was very high, but over the years, for some reason, it has slipped away, and things like repetitive statements, high pitched or odd noises, defiant interceptions of my purposes or other things that might bother me (better not list so much haha) has led me to become easily agitated with people, and, as a result, more critical of people as well.

where is that patience to dismiss all those little things that bother you?
perhaps then life would become a little bit more beautiful.
perhaps then others will know that i'm a boy with a heart.

in the days where everything can change in a second, in the days that you cannot rely on even your very own thoughts in your head, it is an everlasting comfort to remember the constancy and absoluteness of God.

i imagine He would look down at me, watching my day to day thinking, and laugh heartily at the folly of his own fluttering son.

i still remember at one of the periods of time where my mind was most undistracted, where i could evaluate myself of the essential questions, then i was asked, "what is it that you want?". i still remember my candid answer, "to have everything in my life go exactly the way you intend it." the laughter from the crowd i expected, but the pastor's response that it was the most honest and genuine answer all night, as well as the forced applause he requested of the rest of the group, i did not.

some 8 months later with the return of many distractions, the thought still remains in me with much force. it permeated throughout the fabric of life. like entering cheat codes for the level; i would drive through anything that got in the way; i held on tight, like caging a beast.. i was losing grip.

then it held on to me.

some nonchristian questions:

when do you know what you think is right, is right?
when do you actually get what you deserve?
do things ever go the way i intend it?
what do i do now?
how do i change?

... the answers are a flip of a mental switch... so should follow living(?).



so should follow the end of.. what i want.

evaluating me series part 1: sin

whenever there is an event that leads to be want to write about something, I prepare to write, but a few days later I end up not feeling like it, and soon enough, the thoughts slip away. as a result, I haven’t written anything for practically a month and people are wondering what’s going on. That is basically what’s been happening lately, and I’ve been finding stuff to fill up my time, with responsibilities and obligations here and there. So I’m using the time that is actually free time for me: at work! Isn’t that ironic.

One of the activities that I did at work was to make a list of all the things that I thought were wrong with me. It ended up being a rather comprehensive list, and by the time I was done, I felt pretty terrible about myself, but I thought I did the right thing. I don’t think I will put the entire list publicly, but I will talk about a couple in detail. Writing all of this was progressively harder and harder to write as it went on, because it not only required me to think of my bad qualities, but I’m telling the whole world about it too.

The layman’s definition of sin is missing the mark. Romans 3:23 says that “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” Sin is falling short of God’s expectations for you, namely Jesus. I think everybody knows that already, but a new concept to grasp comes from a mark driscoll sermon about sin that I heard. There is sin of COMMISSION and sin of OMISSION. Sin of commission is doing something that you shouldn’t do, and we’re all familiar with when that happens. Sin of omission is NOT doing something that you SHOULD do, and sometimes this is harder to detect. Therefore, it is worthwhile to spend more time to reflect more on our sins of omission in case we miss out on a lot of our own sins.

as a warm-blooded male, like most warm-blooded males, the most apparent sins are pride and lust. knowing that i am better at something than someone else, or i have a better reputation about something than someone else gives me a secured position at the top of.. something. there is this inexplicable competition of anything within me that i desperately try to win all the time. i don't understand why i just want to be at the top, but it just gives me a false sense that i'm alright, or that people/God would like/love me, or that it forms my identity. or perhaps it's a "I win, you lose" mindset, where i can say myself to be the winner, and everyone else as the loser. i think that do that with the smallest things, screaming out for attention. a little boy reaching out for his hand, waving frantically: look at me, look at me! and when people DO finally look, probably just to shut the kid up with his annoying attention hogging, then i'd feel like i've done my job right, and i would feel good. why, i don't know. i guess all of this wordless belittling is very contrary to the christian concept of love, where we should lift those that are less fortunate than us, and hence i've got this love thing completely the wrong way.

lust is a sensitive topic that most people would not want to talk about. some things are better not to be known by others. still, i'll say a few words, since i am evaluating me. the complete shutting off of the mind is a terrifying thing. that all the experiences, life lessons, sermons, bible studies, encouragements from friends, however profound or deep, can simply vanish from your mind when the flesh is aroused is astounding. here is a clear example that having the right knowledge about something can barely protect you. without self-control, without the delay of gratification, think about what a person can become. when someone gets whatever they want, whenever they want, no matter the costs... living for the present moment is sin. also, something else having to do with lust is the gorging of appetites. most would think sex is the only issue relating to gorging of appetites, but i think there is more to it. everything is okay in moderation, so pleasure should also be. i think i have the constant desire to enjoy myself, and the more fun the better. there is no problem with fun, but if i am always having fun, then firstly i would never want to do anything else but fun, and secondly, whenever i'm not having fun, then the withdrawal is painful. this too is why i decide i would never get a portable gaming device, because it enables you to be in entertainment constantly, even at the micro level of time, so ur mind will always be in fun mode, a pleasure/adrenaline high, making the rest of life mundane (moderation would indeed solve that problem, for those DS owners that think i'm crazy, but i still hold to my opinion)

within my things-wrong-with-me list, there are two more categories that the things can fit under. passivity and laziness. passivity, lack of courage, wuss, whatever you want to call it, was inherited from our wonderful father adam. when the serpent deceived eve and told her to eat the fruit, adam stood in the back and did not say or do anything. likewise, i too have the tendency to be passive. no courage to take some responsibility for my own mistakes or sins. no guts to try to fix your family life because you think it would lead to uncomfortableness, awkwardness, or perhaps more arguments. settling for what i already have because i'm already here, why would i bother to move? maybe i'm also not wanting to sacrifice something of mine for the betterment of someone else, some situation. selfish, aren't i.

then laziness. the unmotivation to get up. the neutral or negative outlook on things in life. the impatience to train and practice. avoiding hard work, avoiding discipline. laziness and passivity come hand in hand. i don't want to take responsibility, i don't want to move, i think i'll just stay put. with laziness, nothing moves. u just stay there like a lump. i think i am often guilty of that, not making use of our given willpower to get something done. so easily do i revert to the usual mode of neutrality, mediocrity, then nothing happens, and life is wasted.

pride, lust, passivity, laziness. wow almost can't believe i just wrote all of this, and for everyone to see. i'm glad that i realize all of these things in myself, and for those of you that think that all i think about is myself, i know that i am nowhere close to perfect. now for the solution part? i'm still working on that part. what i can say is.. no matter how hard i try, i cannot fix myself. it is freaking impossible, cuz all these things work together against me. when i want to fix myself, i get lazy. when i overcome laziness, i would get discouraged that i would lose my precious competitions. and so on. but i think knowing that i cannot physically do anything to make myself stop. therefore, only God can change me. only God can take away my sin and make me a new person. perhaps slowly and painfully, but surely, as it says in the bible. now whether i make any progress of it, how God does it, and what me and God have to do together for it to work.. i don't really know.

i think i might be going through symptoms of depression.

self reflection can be a torment sometimes. to see how much i can avoid from thinking about myself this past while is an unexpected shock. including final assignment wrap-up, studying for exams, end of term hangouts, packing and unpacking, uprooting and resettling, it's been over a month of hustle-bustle and.. negligence. we are always too busy or too tired or too bored or too deserving of a break to dedicate time to think about ourselves, and as a result our actions occur by reflex.

coming back to toronto, even with a week of break after exams were finally over, i've tried so hard to sit myself down and think about what i have done for the past 4 months and what i need to change and improve. but in the end it's always talking to other people that's more important, or watching this show or that show or that hockey game is more entertaining and seductively unengaging. or i deserve to go out and "socialize" with people (which ends up being not that social).

amidst all those break activities as going out to eat with people, watching tv, playing games, and just totally turning off my brain, i barely manage to get some thinking time. it brings me a lot of shame to think of some events that have occured in the past month, different thought patterns that i've gotten into, and reflexive actions which show my lack of self-control and discipline. i am disappointed with the image that others see of me. i continually tell myself that i am someone with a lot of very positive qualities, but those qualities have never show and i can only see a victor with bad qualities.

call me pessimistic, but i know exactly what i've done wrong and have been doing wrong. first entry of the evaluating me series coming soon.

my insight article

i thought i'd post this up right before insight is issued for the term, and also before my last exam.

My Insight Article

Among the wide variety of courses in university, at least some of them would teach us a little bit about life. And for those that don’t, those people would twist their course material until it does (the engineers). Luckily for me, I don’t have to wait for the right opportunity for my engineering courses to come up with some obscure connection with something at the least life-related, because of the elective that I’m taking this term. Along with some brother and sister in CCF, I’m taking a course on the Apostle Paul and his epistles. This course gives a very fresh and unique perspective on the Bible that a Christian would never have. Some of the things that we read in the New Testament may be very typical sounding and almost trivial to us after hearing it so much, but with an in depth knowledge of the context, as well as an idea of the mind of the Apostle Paul, a much more rich understanding can be developed about his message, and of course, Christian living.

There is much that can be read in the text just by knowing more about the recipients of the letter. Paul’s purpose in writing letters is because there are issues in the church that require a higher authority in the early Christian faith to deal with. Since each church has its own problems, then the premise of each letter is also very different. Depending on the degree of the church’s problems, Paul’s tone and attitude toward them could be different as well. In addition, it is important to regard the social and cultural make-up of the church. The early church was established first in Jerusalem, and by the spread of the gospel, other churches were formed in the surrounding area. Even before the arrival of Jesus Christ, the continent had been taken over by Alexander the Great, and hence, the Greco-Roman Empire. Countries were destroyed and taken over, and survivors not wanting to fight any more have no choice but to be assimilated by the Roman government. The Romans created new cities and reconstructed old cities by their own form. The survivors try their best to retain their own culture and resist complete Greek domination. The result of this is an amalgamation of cultures and beliefs. This process, called Hellenization, is very prevalent among the churches that Paul addresses. After many years of the Greco-Roman takeover, the cities consist of a very wide range of people classes; from the slave to the rich. This too is reflective of the early Christian church. Did they have big churches back then? No, they would meet at separate homes and have small meetings, and then meet at the “marketplace” for large group meetings where they are susceptible to the message of other missionaries, Cynic philosophers, pagan mystery religion worshippers, or people that just want to scam for money.

Only with all these things in mind can one get a good image of what Paul has to deal with, and how he would respond to specific congregations. Paul generally follows a consistent letter structure in most of his letters, but in the letter to the Galatians, he does not use this structure. Unlike most other letters, he does not have a thanksgiving section after the salutation in the beginning of the letter. The reason for this is because Paul is absolutely furious at the Galatians. From a careful reading of Galatians, a few of their issues can be observed: the Galatians have been “preaching another gospel” (1:6), and have been holding onto the value of circumcision. Paul is angry at the Galatians because some of them have not accepted God’s free salvation for what it truly is, but have preached that the observance of the Law is needed to attain salvation, and are causing the entire congregation to follow this pattern. Paul responds in much anger and frustration for leading the congregation astray.

Paul uses the story of Abraham to challenge the Galatians, which is the main idea that I wanted to share with you. Whether Abraham was asked to pack up his life and move to a foreign land or to sacrifice his own son on the altar, he did so without complaining, and believed in the Lord. And this was “credited to him as righteousness”. For his faith, the Lord blessed him and blessed all the nations through Abraham. Later, Abraham was given the sign of the covenant, which was circumcision. Some years later, God also gave the Israelites the Law on Mount Sinai. But because the basis of God’s blessing was Abraham’s faith, then the Law is secondary to God’s promise to Abraham. It’s more important for us to have faith in God than to follow his Law and circumcision. In the new covenant, God has given us the gift of grace through Jesus Christ, and if one believes in him, he will have eternal life, and the seal of the Holy Spirit as the sign of the covenant. The motif of faith and trust is carried through in both covenants. Yet in Galatians 3:23, Paul describes the Galatians to be “held prisoners by the law” or “under the restraint of the law”. What Paul means is this: knowing that there is something much better being given to you, why would you stick with something less? A more accurate image can be seen in a better translation of the text. Paul uses the Greek word, paidagogos, to describe the law. Paul says so with a lot of contempt and sarcasm, because the meaning of the word will shock you. When families have children that are not mature enough to handle the freedom of walking to school on their own, the parents must hire someone to take them by the hand and guide them to school. Usually this person is a slave or a hired hand. This hired person is called a paidagogos. Paul equalized the Law, which God gave to the Jewish nations as a revelation of his will, to a babysitter or a nanny. Isn’t that a bit harsh? But why should you follow the Law when you are given the Holy Spirit, who intercedes and communicates with God on our behalf? If that is true, then why did God give us the Law? According to the analogy Paul has given, a paidagogos is needed for those not mature enough to handle themselves. A young child who is an heir cannot handle themselves, even though they have the status of an heir. They need to depend on someone to live, so the parents must hire a paidagogos. Before Christ, the Israelites needed someone to walk them through life by holding their hand through life. With the coming of Christ, we are a new creation. We believe in the power of Christ’s death and resurrection, and in Christ, we “grow” and become children of God and heirs according to God’s promise to Abraham.

Take a good read of Galatians 3 and think about this. After all this analysis into Paul’s letter, how should we as Christians today think about ourselves? Do you find yourself following some kind of legalistic ritual to work for your relationship with God? Are you trying to earn your salvation? Do you see your devotions failing, your prayer life slipping and your desire to seek God disappearing? And when that happens, do you desperately try to jump back on that speeding train of discipline? Of course there is good in discipline, but what good is it if you are trying to impress God with your works of piety? It is by grace that you have been saved, through faith; not by works, so that no one can boast. Why do you want to be a child and hold on to the paidagogos, when you are already adults? Are you like an adult that still wants to live like a child, not firmly grasping to your true level of maturity?

Recommended reading: Galatians 3, Romans 1-8, The Ragamuffin Gospel, by Brennan Manning.

exam lull

there was a seminary class where a prof one day, in the middle of his teaching, asked his entire class, "how many of you here do not believe in God?". many people raised their hand, including the prof. one of the students was so shocked to see that many of these people going into ministry did not even believe in God. he decided to ask one of those people putting their hand up: "so if you want to be in ministry, but you don't believe in God, then why are you in ministry?"

the answer he got was this: "because it's good money."

this term more than ever has spirituality been more academicized than ever. though nothing inerrantly wrong with these things, being a devotional leader and also studying Paul's life and letters has geared my mind to churning biblical insight. the demand for insight has caused me to change spirituality into a rigid formulaic science.

what is the difference between learning about Christianity and learning about other things, say school things? beside the element of the heart, learning about Christianity uses the exact same learning model as learning about learning about heat transfer.

exam schedule.. april 10, 11, 14, 17, 21. when i can finally think about stuff other than school, then i will write more.

during mating season, male peacocks would flare out their feathers in an extravagant manner and also emit very high pitched cry to get the females' attention. here is the picture of the grandiose peacock in action.

now the female would think one of two things. either the female thinks, wow this peacock is all pretty and extravagant and is a very respectable and honourable peacock. i could make good friends with this peacock.

or he could look to her like he's just so full of himself, so desperate for attention that he doesn't even realize how stupid he looks. he might as well ask her directly to "notice me, please!". this guy looks like an idiot.

my contribution to ccf grad dinner

in case engineering fails me, song writing might be an option. herman fell asleep on my bed while i was doing this till 4am. thanks to bily and herm for helping me sing and edit the song right b4 we had to go.



CCF Grad Song 2008
by victor

V1

D A G A
Hungry, I come to you, the brownies from betty chan
D A G A
Stop with your propaganda, tammy the Honda man!
G A D G
Give me a discount, cuz I come here every day
G Bm
Oh Kat u know my order,
G A
regular noodles, mixed vegetables and sesame chicken!

Chorus:
G A
God bless our C! C! F Grads!
D Bm
Lord lead our C C F Grads!
G A D
They’re crazy, but we love that Pikachu!
G A
Whether they love to draw poo,
D Bm
or have insane hairdo’s
G A D
They live be-cause of You.

V2
D A G A
Laura is from Laurier, the high school down the street
D A G A
Jasmine, we took your moo cow for tonight’s roast beef
G A D G
Eric I don’t know what to sing, because we were off stream
G Bm G A
And Grace you were the entire women’s cook off team

Chorus

V3
D A G A
TK with his cell phone, he was talking on the can
D A G A
Watch out for Miriam, she’ll turn you to an American
G A D G
Becca come back to mcdougall so we can party
G Bm G A
Go turn on the tv, Bernice, it’s grey’s anatomy!

Chorus

V4
D A G A
3.14159, Kevin you do the rest
D A G A
Waiyan, in planning, thinks mahjong is the best
G A D G
Elliot the settlers shark, yo what’s up with that hair?!
G Bm G A
One day it’s long, one day it’s short, it is frickin hard to bear!

Chorus

V5
D A G A
We choose you, pikachu, we don’t need to tell you her name
D A G A
Robin loves purses, she draws them and frames them
G A D G
Now Jess Sit, we thought for a while, but we don’t know you so well
G Bm G A
But since you’re a graduate, we hope your future’s swell!

Chorus

Bridge

Bm G A G
Andrew plays sports a lot and works out all day long
Bm G A G
He is getting really buff and he refs for basketball
G A Bm G
Alison tells everyone to stop being little girls
G A Bm G
Amy's been named from smash bros for 2 entire years
G A Bm G
Joanna Wong poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo
Bm G A
And ryan's got some story about a couch in ccf

Chorus

Ending
G
Oh Amy, Jane and Clara
A
You’re also grads this year
D
But even when I’m gone you’ll still be here

evaluating me series: an introduction

in this time of concentrated amount of thinking and reflection, i thought that i should start a blog series for me to think about and record what i truly think and feel about myself in a certain aspect of life. some of these topics may be controversial, though i will keep all things appropriate, of course. this will also be a good opportunity for people to comment.

i'm excited about this, and i already have a LOT of topics that i want to write about. if anyone has suggestions about what more to write about, do let me know. i'm dedicated to think and write until i run out of things to write about. exciting.

victor

sometimes we need to think about what we want to do in the future, especially if graduation is creeping closer.

there are people that go into university...

1) ...knowing what they want for sure
2) ...thinking that they know what they want but need more assurance from actually trying it out.
3) ...not knowing what they want at all, so they just pick something a little bit more than randomly.

i really hope that i'm the second one, but in reality it's a pretty close fight between the second and the third.

a good strategy to think of a future career is to think about what are some things you enjoy and that you consider yourself to be good at. i used that strategy for picking a program for university, and i ended up in engineering. i can't say i enjoy it thoroughly, but i've certainly learned a lot of good things along the way that i appreciate very much. so i'm gonna use my strategy again.

this past term, i've done a few things that i think i've done a pretty good job at. the first thing is writing. i've wrote some half-decent blog entries for the past few months, which have triggered a lot of interesting thought in many peers. i've spent a lot of time writing a story with a friend (which probably won't materialize due to certain circumstances, but it's been said to be a good story so far). in addition, i've written two 3000 word papers, generally all in one sitting, for my "paul's life and letters" religious studies course, rs209. and they aren't crap, they decent..ish. i've also wrote 3000 word technical design reports in one sitting. that's a lot of 3000 words eh? frickin yea.

and i've also been doing bible studies this term, which is kinda nice. and i read a lot of books. i can't say i KNOW A LOT about the bible, christianity, theology, apologetics, religion, cultural/social theory, and the like, but i have had, at the least, cognitive encounters with all these things, which can be strengthened and improved in time. i also find this kinda stuff really interesting, and i enjoy learning more about it. plus, there is generally a human element involved in this stuff, which i also enjoy.

lastly i can also say i do a lot of.. engineering, since i study that. that doesn't have too much to do with anything i've just said, but i think engineering harbours a lot of problem solving skills, which are useful anywhere. this too can be improved, of course. i feel that i'm a very simplistic problem solver, where if i'm given a bunch of knowns and a bunch of unknowns, through the series of techniques as well as conditions, then i can solve the unknowns. perhaps there are better ways of solving problem solving than just that, but for now, this isn't so bad.

so if i put all these three things together... i don't know. it sounds like i may have something like.. someone that writes about christianity/religion/life issues who can even meet with them to help people solve their problems.

what do you think?

blogging is intense competition.

manful

hey girls

you know when you're about to go home, and guys all pack up their stuff to walk you home? then i guess two very natural reactions come to mind: either that you feel like it's totally out of their way to walk you home and in some ways it's pointless and a waste of time, or you feel defensive that the macho guys think that they have to walk you home because you can't take care of yourself.

well, i don't even think it's that dangerous for girls to walk home at night by themselves.

have you ever thought that maybe, sometimes we just want to have a nice walk with you?

one of those rare days that after church lunch was possible, esther was trying to convince me to go watch "27 dresses" with the girls. as soon as she heard much opposition from the guys, she asked the next question: "why is it that girls always have to compromise to watch guy movies, but guys would never ever compromise to watch girl movies?"

i quote an article that i was reading the night before:

"And young people are absolutely striving for intimacy, for identity and for significance. Unfortunately, our post-modern culture often does a better job than we [the Christian community] do of addressing it. They don't have the true answers, but at least they are paying attention to the question."

there isn't a direct link between the quote and esther's question, but is another point that i am making. i love the truth of the first sentence: intimacy, identity, and significance. have these things been taught to you in school? do your parents ever tell you of their importance in life? most of us don't bat an eye as to the effect of these three things, but in reality, it composes the root of who you are.

who will be there to affirm that you are someone of worth? that your being, your words, your presence is worth so much?

will you know who you are? where you belong? that you are needed among friends? or is it that you are just another person that can be replaced?

and.. intimacy. do you truly KNOW someone? and do they truly KNOW you? can you be close to them?

such are the yearnings of the heart. here is another quote:

"...God cared about my deep, long-unmet need for fatherly love and affirmation. When I saw that the cry of my heart mattered to God, and that He had a pure and right way to answer it, I got the strength to break my dependence on sin."

God's grace, God's mercy, God's limitless love, God himself is the one that comes DOWN to us to intimately commune with us. he CARES about our deep, long-unmet need, the deep hidden darkness inside our hearts that causes our knees to buckle when even grazed upon. but because it is often so hidden, and our lives, our family and friends, our culture does such a wonderful job in making these fundamental ideas so ambiguous and invisible, we subconsciously find other things to try to satisfy these needs.

from the good to the bad, we find anything that we can to try to fill this hole: time with friends, close friends, significant others, the fun, video games, activities, productivity, school. all such things, the blessings of life, the richness of the experience, perverted just to fill yourself up with the wrong thing. and how painful it is, how deep the sorrow, when those things are torn away for your heart. when you thought you were worth something, but what you really thought was just wrong. when you thought you were knew who you were, but then life would continually prove you wrong. when you thought that you could share your heart, but in the end your heart was crushed. you may refuse to believe it all, but it would happen.

why do you think guys ever want to watch girl movies? maybe because they bring out the searing pain of lost intimacy, unmet need; sheer loneliness with no almighty god.



"why don't you heal, God? why don't you carry away my heart? how long, God?"
wounded: shane barnard

thought tornado

it's been almost two months since i've written in this thing and it's hard to believe but one of the reasons i couldn't get myself to sit down and write here is because i don't know what to write anymore. so much stuff that has gone on that i can no longer follow it all, and my first attempts to try to dig through the terrible mess of ideas just runs away upon contact, fear over being overwhelmed by insecurity. now before it all slips away for good, let me try to write something down. before it all slips away for good.

--

i came back from montreal, got back to toronto. slept 10 hours a day, every day, went out and ran errands, lived back at home with the family. usual minor conflicts, but who doesn't have that? usual christmas up down get togethers, people give presents, popularity contest, who has the coolest things, who looks the prettiest. everyone back in town, who to go see, who to spend ur time with, when can it not be awkward. slept 10 hours a day. food. fun times. thinking about home. dreading work. not thinking. not thinking about myself. letting down my guard. no work done. slight disappointment. stagnant. where's God in me? still slept 10 hours a day. i skate. i fall, and then i skate again. then it was over. time to go back to waterloo. time to go, no more time now, it's time to get back to work. maybe God is here, not so far away.

*i sit here, quiet. they say that in the eye of the tornado, it's a bright sunny day. i watch those thoughts violently rotating around me, so ready to consume all that i am, but just barely out of grasp. there's a part of my mind that is bent to some people, and that had given me slight comfort. but no, i can only sit and wait until the winds calm down, before anyone can come close. God, please calm the winds now. help me to do only what is right now.*

back to waterloo. guys settling in, new environment, new ppl, different mcdougall. the school work comes. ccf committee comes. new responsibilities, still dreading work, dreaded work. i retain to my usual self, doing all i can do for people, secretly also for myself. parties, get-togethers, people coming over, skate skate skate, hockey, it's always happy, isn't it? school starts, i try to make it to class. failed after the first day. late nights. late mornings too. missed probably half my classes now, it's unbelievable. those late nights. what am i doing then? just staying up talking? why? to accomplish what? no time to think of that now, ccf committee coming. there's expectations, there's pressure, i have to be something now, no time to think of other things now. attention from the young ones, gotta show it up to them. long meetings, aren't so bad, but i feel like i take up space. be the person who u need to be, victor. i do it, it works. i pray, i fall asleep, always too tired. school work piles up. labs, design proj, assignments, copying notes, copying notes, more expectations, more performance demanded. winter retreat coming up. have to step it up, not enough manpower, victor, you do it. i did it. winter retreat came, it was excellent. pastor guy comes, encourages us, we feel lifted. now we're back again, not agreeing that it was a spiritual high. but the work overwhelms us. assignments, labs, copying notes. midterms. it's all coming, it's all coming now. things have been good, things have been bad. where am i now? where is God now? maybe God is here, not so far away.

--