invisible

every day and night. you go to work and you turn it on. you come back home, and the first thing you do is turn it on.

every moment i face the screen is another moment out of this world. like i opened the doors to the wardrobe and walked through, pushed aside those fur coats, hairs brushing against my cheek, until i suddenly feel the brisk cold of winter, except there isn't really that brisk cold of winter.

unhindered interactions with your closest friends, boundaries of geographic distance like nothing. and you'd all stay up so late for this, hours into the late night, even up till the morning. painful, yet satisfying.

you step in and explore this world, starting with small baby steps, tip toeing, just scratching the surface of it all. and the longer you stand in your place, the more confident you become, and you take an extra step more. you go where you've never gone before, your eyes widen, stretch, and your heart pumps blood in excitement to see what you would never see. it's a beauty, isn't it?

at first, it was dipping your feet into the cold pond. it starts off chilly, the cold riding up your leg and shivers your body. and then, long time after, it no longer is a foot in and a leg out, so easy.



i'm already lost in my own nature metaphors, lost in what i'm telling you, because it is so far from the truth. i can't distinguish one from the other, whether i am truly in one world or another. no, it's no longer so. i look inside a land of infinity, now seeing things i would never imagine to see, would not even tear myself away from. but really what i am looking at, looking into, is a screen, looking right back at me, straight at me, only at me. he looks at me for so long, that will he not just see through to my soul? would he not look deep into my eyes, so blinded by himself, that he would see everything that he needs to do to complete the illusion?

the invisible closes around me and it becomes life. unhindered interactions? no boundaries? no, there are. in the end, you forget where you are, you lose your sense of direction. now you pick which victor you are, but there's only one choice now. the one that doesn't see heart, doesn't see emotion, doesn't see reaction. just words. words, subtext, metaphors, clever wit, implications, and whatever else you can see and read with just WORDS.

what to do now.

some wisdom from ravi zacharias

1. Anything that refreshes you without distracting, diminishing or destroying your final goal is a legitimate pleasure.

2. Any pleasure that jeopardizes the sacred right of another may well be an illicit pleasure

3. Anything pleasure, however good, if not kept in balance, will distort reality or destroy appetite.

Definition of sin: whatever weakens reasoning, impairs the tenderness of conscience, obscures sense of god, takes away relish for spiritual things, in short, anything that increases authority and power of the flesh over the spirit, that becomes sin, however good it is in itself. (John Wesley’s mom)


Applications

1. Pleasure for pleasure’s sake will leave you empty

2. There is a place for legitimate pleasure

3. It is worship (intimacy with God) that brings complete pleasure

november nuances

returning from a weekend in ottawa with friends marked the end of october and a good beginning to november. i was reminded that it is a new day, and a new month, and a new beginning. not only so, it was also the official halfway point of the term. as such, it was imperative to reflect on the past few months, as well as to plan for the upcoming months.

i know what it appears to you, but i don't think it's so bad being in montreal. i just had the thought today that it truly was a cool thing to be able to live in another city for a period of time, and see what different things there are to see, eat the food, and spending time with new friends. those are good things, and i tend to magnify the bad things by habit. yes it does get very quiet here and it does get quite lonely without too many new friends. i have to remember my opportunity to be here, and the cool things to experience and to remind myself to live.

for the past few weeks i've noticed a major mental block again, though just a week or two ago i did come to a realization with.. something.. i don't really remember what right now. but now i seem to be distracted with something i don't know what, that i can't really think clearly. curses to that.

there's been a terrific paradox that has been troubling me. i know that i've definitely not used my time wisely these past few months. i feel like i've wasted a lot of time, and not really accomplishing anything. this has been caused by laziness and a lack of motivation. but when it comes to doing things.. i find that it feels really meaningless. sheer following of a schedule, completing a checklist, doing it for the sake of checking it off a list. that has been a strategy to encourage myself to do things, but once that becomes your incentive, everything loses its meaning. this becomes more and more unfortunate when the things you have to do have more meaning.

so here will be the thoughts that i want to have thought through, and the things i would like to have done.

-ccf magnets. we said we wanted some, i have the supplies to make some.
-bible and prayer. bible and prayer. need i say more.
-read more books. enjoy them, learn from them, and don't read them for the sake of finishing them.
-play more piano. 1800 bucks is a lot of money to collect dust.
-singing. i need to fix my voice.
-guitar. a lower priority thing, but worthy. learn more guitar makes for better worship leading.

things to think about
-future ccf goals? how to serve, why am i serving? i shouldn't serve just because they need someone.
-men's cell? mcdougall ministry? what should i do, when to do it? we should plan these things early
-lifesong? do i want to do coordinate it? do i want to do it this term, or another term?
-mentorship driven? with age and experience (compared to the younger ones), we should be sharing it.
-workshops? same as previous point.