two pages, double spaced, part four

i spent half a year after graduating from teacher's college to finding a new job. i went through times of reflection and brainstorming trying to discover what my career path would be and selectively applying to those that seem to fit. but as time went on, it was easy to become discouraged. i had been away from work for two years and i had to consider money. eventually i started applying to all types of companies and roles that i felt i was equipped for, just to get back into the workforce and continue building experience.

it's been six months since i've been employed as a commercial intelligence analyst. my reflections had transformed from evaluating the teaching profession to not even thinking about it and becoming concerned with fitting into the work culture, trying to make friends (becoming a difficult thing to do for me), and learning the job. the initial learning curve was steep and i felt i had reluctant and unskilled teachers. i felt i was at a place where people only cared about you only if you can do something for them. as a new employee i knew i couldn't do anything for others from a work perspective, and as time went on i was also tempted to only want to care for people if they could do something for me. if people were not interested in engaging with me as a person, then i would rather not talk to them and be on my own. i felt like this culture of selfishness and the necessity to prove your worth to be the culture of this world. selflessness is not only difficult in its regular challenges but it also means relinquishing strength in a survival of the fittest environment.

my thoughts of this new position are as such:

pros:
-excellent commute (10-15 min, no highway driving required)
-good salary and benefits (including a health spending acct, which can be used to pay for the gym located 1 minute away)
-work is challenging and lots of opportunity to learn, whether in transferrable skills or industry specific knowledge
-some minor perks in work provided coffee and other drinks. not a deal breaker
-decent physical work environment (building is recently renovated, good chair and cubicle, passable computer gear)
-close to 404/401 that will help get to places after, not to mention close to home

cons:
-work culture, tough to break into cliques, requires you almost to prove your worth
-no clear path for the position, have to fight for owning work (might be due to lack of experience, but also because of getting a new boss)
-work is very dry, lack of creativity, lack of narrative
-industry is tobacco, not an industry i believe in
-tough learning curve

i decided that it was worth sticking with it for at least a year and embrace the benefits of the job while fighting through the negatives. but this is at the cost of knowing that i did not want to do this work long term. in taking this job, i decided that it was necessary to take a bridge job and view it as a tent making position while searching and investing in what is my true calling.

it's time to do inventory of my skills and experience and continue searching. there's a yearning for working with noble purpose, work for noticeable change, and work with artistic expression and creativity. and to work with joy, passion and devotion to its cause.

hidden stories in future discoveries

the repeated experience was this.

the every day change in plans, sometimes by myself but sometimes not. but the push was to find that coffee shop that worked best, and to get the computer on. then it was about sifting through internet banality, and dealing with the resistance of inadequacy in job postings and trying to ignore how minuscule you comparatively are. the one measurable positive was how many of my meek credentials did i deposit into the abyss.

but it became easy to see beauty that came through this past year. i can hang my proverbial hat this year and say that i did what i do best.

it's been about everyone else. i can't count how many hours i spent typing on the phone or on the computer or all the meaningful people focused conversations at length or even in passing. i saw broken hearts, friends hurt, lost and confused. we shared ideas with each other. sometimes it was about thinking of solutions and advice, but a lot of times it was just about listening. after a long year, i feel the drag of fatigue through emotions given and taken.

in the end, our burdens will have become stories. hidden stories in future discoveries.

**
it won't be too late. sky will be dark. snow is in the forecast, but driving in waterloo doesn't scare me at all, so i will turn into the burger joint with amy. i can't say what i'm gonna order yet but maybe it'll be the signature burger.

this time i won't be staring at my own reflection.

it'll be whole year, summed up in two sets of burgers and fries.

here, my past burden will become my story.
**