one of those rare days that after church lunch was possible, esther was trying to convince me to go watch "27 dresses" with the girls. as soon as she heard much opposition from the guys, she asked the next question: "why is it that girls always have to compromise to watch guy movies, but guys would never ever compromise to watch girl movies?"

i quote an article that i was reading the night before:

"And young people are absolutely striving for intimacy, for identity and for significance. Unfortunately, our post-modern culture often does a better job than we [the Christian community] do of addressing it. They don't have the true answers, but at least they are paying attention to the question."

there isn't a direct link between the quote and esther's question, but is another point that i am making. i love the truth of the first sentence: intimacy, identity, and significance. have these things been taught to you in school? do your parents ever tell you of their importance in life? most of us don't bat an eye as to the effect of these three things, but in reality, it composes the root of who you are.

who will be there to affirm that you are someone of worth? that your being, your words, your presence is worth so much?

will you know who you are? where you belong? that you are needed among friends? or is it that you are just another person that can be replaced?

and.. intimacy. do you truly KNOW someone? and do they truly KNOW you? can you be close to them?

such are the yearnings of the heart. here is another quote:

"...God cared about my deep, long-unmet need for fatherly love and affirmation. When I saw that the cry of my heart mattered to God, and that He had a pure and right way to answer it, I got the strength to break my dependence on sin."

God's grace, God's mercy, God's limitless love, God himself is the one that comes DOWN to us to intimately commune with us. he CARES about our deep, long-unmet need, the deep hidden darkness inside our hearts that causes our knees to buckle when even grazed upon. but because it is often so hidden, and our lives, our family and friends, our culture does such a wonderful job in making these fundamental ideas so ambiguous and invisible, we subconsciously find other things to try to satisfy these needs.

from the good to the bad, we find anything that we can to try to fill this hole: time with friends, close friends, significant others, the fun, video games, activities, productivity, school. all such things, the blessings of life, the richness of the experience, perverted just to fill yourself up with the wrong thing. and how painful it is, how deep the sorrow, when those things are torn away for your heart. when you thought you were worth something, but what you really thought was just wrong. when you thought you were knew who you were, but then life would continually prove you wrong. when you thought that you could share your heart, but in the end your heart was crushed. you may refuse to believe it all, but it would happen.

why do you think guys ever want to watch girl movies? maybe because they bring out the searing pain of lost intimacy, unmet need; sheer loneliness with no almighty god.



"why don't you heal, God? why don't you carry away my heart? how long, God?"
wounded: shane barnard

thought tornado

it's been almost two months since i've written in this thing and it's hard to believe but one of the reasons i couldn't get myself to sit down and write here is because i don't know what to write anymore. so much stuff that has gone on that i can no longer follow it all, and my first attempts to try to dig through the terrible mess of ideas just runs away upon contact, fear over being overwhelmed by insecurity. now before it all slips away for good, let me try to write something down. before it all slips away for good.

--

i came back from montreal, got back to toronto. slept 10 hours a day, every day, went out and ran errands, lived back at home with the family. usual minor conflicts, but who doesn't have that? usual christmas up down get togethers, people give presents, popularity contest, who has the coolest things, who looks the prettiest. everyone back in town, who to go see, who to spend ur time with, when can it not be awkward. slept 10 hours a day. food. fun times. thinking about home. dreading work. not thinking. not thinking about myself. letting down my guard. no work done. slight disappointment. stagnant. where's God in me? still slept 10 hours a day. i skate. i fall, and then i skate again. then it was over. time to go back to waterloo. time to go, no more time now, it's time to get back to work. maybe God is here, not so far away.

*i sit here, quiet. they say that in the eye of the tornado, it's a bright sunny day. i watch those thoughts violently rotating around me, so ready to consume all that i am, but just barely out of grasp. there's a part of my mind that is bent to some people, and that had given me slight comfort. but no, i can only sit and wait until the winds calm down, before anyone can come close. God, please calm the winds now. help me to do only what is right now.*

back to waterloo. guys settling in, new environment, new ppl, different mcdougall. the school work comes. ccf committee comes. new responsibilities, still dreading work, dreaded work. i retain to my usual self, doing all i can do for people, secretly also for myself. parties, get-togethers, people coming over, skate skate skate, hockey, it's always happy, isn't it? school starts, i try to make it to class. failed after the first day. late nights. late mornings too. missed probably half my classes now, it's unbelievable. those late nights. what am i doing then? just staying up talking? why? to accomplish what? no time to think of that now, ccf committee coming. there's expectations, there's pressure, i have to be something now, no time to think of other things now. attention from the young ones, gotta show it up to them. long meetings, aren't so bad, but i feel like i take up space. be the person who u need to be, victor. i do it, it works. i pray, i fall asleep, always too tired. school work piles up. labs, design proj, assignments, copying notes, copying notes, more expectations, more performance demanded. winter retreat coming up. have to step it up, not enough manpower, victor, you do it. i did it. winter retreat came, it was excellent. pastor guy comes, encourages us, we feel lifted. now we're back again, not agreeing that it was a spiritual high. but the work overwhelms us. assignments, labs, copying notes. midterms. it's all coming, it's all coming now. things have been good, things have been bad. where am i now? where is God now? maybe God is here, not so far away.

--