for the past few days i realized i am pretty bored of myself and the things i do? i am boring..?

more life in limbo

it's been almost a full 4 months since i've been in limbo, and i've thought of enough stuff to write up a bit about life as of late. how does a person manage infinite time?

in an average life, most people can divide their time in 4 sections: productive time (work or school), church/fellowship/serving life, family and friend relations, and fun free time. the productive time usually is a very large part for most people, but for those unemployed, this time now becomes freed, and as a result must be distributed between the other parts of life. therefore, any issues regarding those 3 sections of life are also magnified. i've already said my bit about difficulties living at home. that's been diverging to a plateau, so it's been manageable as of late. i have tried to do more things at church, but for obvious reasons i cannot just DO things at church to fill time, but there is a very direct connection between serving and your spiritual life and your relationship with God. i experienced 2 worship teams at a time for the first time, and that was a party and a half. i had something like 5 worship practices in 2 or 3 weeks. i got to experience the differences in style in 2 teams and that was interesting. i have since said no to a group and things will be back to normal. teaching the gr12 sunday school's been going okay so far, but the real test is coming up this week. the one thing out of the ordinary that i've been doing is the tutoring, which is starting to get a bit routine but it's moderately enjoyable and keeps my brain working. it's a shock when you see something an engineer would consider fundamental and how you have actually forgotten it (what is a cross product again.. and how do you do vector proving questions :|)

i taught on "spiritual identity" at sunday school this week, with some material taken from the "making sense of church" sermon series by jon tyson, and i find it quite relevant to what i am experiencing. in the sermon, he defined modernism as "where reality validates media" and postmodernism to be "where media validates reality". we are in a postmodern age. we are so entranced by the media and overstimulated senses that it begins to shape our worldview (looking out) and our identity (looking in). we begin to see real events like it was from a movie. how did we get so desensitized to pain and suffering in the world? maybe because we watched too many movies with people dying. but not only that, our timing moves at the same rate as a movie. we never see movies that have boring scenes because it is not fun to watch. but in life, there are times where it has to be boring, but we cannot accept that because that is not the same pace as a movie. our timing is screwed up and we don't know how to wait. i don't know how to wait for a job opportunity.

secondly, i said in class that people often define you by what you do. we start our conversations with "what have you been up to?" if you know them, or "what do you do for a living?" or "what do you study?" if you don't know them. well lucky me, those questions do not apply to me. limbo means you do not fit in the social definition of identity, and we are looked down upon. an article i read up in a business week magazine says that unemployment is getting worse for those just graduating from university, because there aren't enough jobs opened and people won't retire because of the instability and risk. when employers look for people, they naturally frown upon those with gaps in their resume, but really they are subconsciously discriminating those victims of the recession-induced unemployed generation, who are probably more than capable to do the work (ahem, me). the work force says they want me, but they don't actually want me.

we naturally agree that we can get along best with those most similar to us. i am no longer a student, but i am not a working professional. well lucky me, guess what all my friends are. i have seen a pretty obvious decline in interactions with people, whether i was close to them or not before.. but the change occurred in the span of months. and the reasons sometimes understandable. people just don't have as much time to sit in front of their computers to just talk to me. but it is clear that the things that all the students and young professionals are doing.. i am not doing these things. so you have just lost one very large slice of conversation pie because i don't do the things that you do. interesting enough that the people that i've been seeing more often are also unemployed.. granted that they are close friends, but they are in the same stage as me. i am not complaining, but i just think people should smarten up a bit, because these boundaries as mentioned are at best defined by society and relationships should not be based on stupy society. for some time i panicked that i have become less interesting because i'm in limbo, but then i shook it off and realized that was bull crap. we can all do better, no matter what stage of life we are in.

i'm coming to enjoy some of the perks of limbo. some of you would pay me if i could transfer sleep to you.. 10 hours of sleep a day is just a beauty. doing quadrant 4 stuff is sometimes a waste of time.. but with infinite time, you can afford a few hours to play video games or whatever haha.. quite fun. procrastination never felt better because i give myself a full week to do stuff.. and if you don't make it, then there's always next week. if i wanted to, i can take trips whenever i want, while you are all chained to your school and work. and because i tutor, i get money by teaching kids stuff that is engineering bread and butter.. easy stuff after you glance at your old textbooks again haha, so it funds my fun activities, toys, etc.

the good? the bad? if only we could decide what we want.

i realize i am spending a lot of my focus on human things, and have forgotten about spiritual things, and looking up.

maybe less of the natural and more of the supernatural.

"for one more day?"

i reminded myself what a reading machine i can be by reading "for one more day" by mitch albom in one sitting. granted that the book is a short read, i read the whole book despite that i had more important things to do. (spoiler alert).

the book is an inspirational fiction novel about a man named charles "chick" benetto who forsook education to attmept to make big league baseball teams, but ended up not being good enough because of injury. his mother loved him greatly, but his father left the family at a very young age for very selfish reasons. charley's life after he quit baseball deteriorated drastically. he hated his boring sales job, and started drinking a lot. as a result, he started falling away from his family. his wife divorced him. his only daughter did not invite him to her wedding, because she was afraid he would embarass her. charley just couldn't take it anymore, and decided to commit suicide. through his several attempts, he was led back to his old home where his family grew up. he was absolutely astounded to find his mother, who had passed away 7 years ago from a heart attack. they recounted the events which showed his selfish motives to please his father through baseball, but also the mother's unfailing love for her son, and her spirit's eventual inspiration for his son to keep living. of course, he does, because he loves his mother.

the model of the heartfelt story.

so i have discovered that around 3 months is the time that i start getting very agitated and impatient when i am home. i think that this is approximately when i run out of patience with my family. today i had lunch with my mom and my cousin, and when i was driving him home after i dropped off my mom, i was once again commended for living with not ONE, not TWO, but THREE post menopausal chinese women. i have observed that 95% of the things they say to me involve either them commanding me to do something, or commanding me not to do something or what i am doing is not right. each nagging me in their own sort of way. i can only take so much of.. telling me what to eat by watching what i eat as if i don't know how to eat, criticizing me about job hunting, criticizing that i am wasting my time and my choices for the future are poor, cleaning up my stuff and reorganizing my stuff when i didn't ask them too and then feeling their contempt and only result in me having to find my own stuff again because they put it somewhere else, their tones of disrespect, all their crazy and menial food restrictions, staying away from the computer restrictions, don't do this don't do that, yelling for 20 minutes about nothing when i show a bit of attitude.

sometimes on days like that, i get this feeling in my heart like there is a heavy weight on it, and the heart muscle has to support that heavy weight. and it's so heavy that i can't support any other system of the body. or it's like something is squeezing your heart and it has to push against the squeezing just to beat. and even when their nagging stops, that feeling is still there, and it sometimes carries over the next day. like i would wake up, and that would be the first thing i feel.

it really is hard to read the book and try to learn the same lesson as chick benetto did. from all human standpoints, is it fair to learn that lesson? does anyone have the supernatural patience to deal with all that? sometimes the only words that i can say is.. unbelievable.

tonight i had that heavy heart feeling again because of lunch, and then i got an idea. what if i nagged them back the same way that they nagged me, each in their own ways? i wonder how they would take it, sounds like a fun activity haha.

end of summer thoughts part 2

i've been starting to take offence to those people that have been critical about how i am bumming around or am wasting time doing nothing. members of my family have said that they thought if i was not working or not in school, then i was wasting time. i thought that that was one of the most ridiculous things ever. the summer is officially over now, and there are some things that i wished i did different, but i certainly do not regret how the summer went. i still have no job, and there is no end in sight for that right now, but i believe that i learned a lot about myself this summer. let me count you the ways, all of you who think i am wasting my time.

my men's group at scbc have been studying the 7 habits of highly effective people, by stephen covey. men's group has been a big part of the summer, as we meet every other week to do the book study, but we have also worked together to plan a camp together for high school students at our church, and we also spend a lot of time together outside of small group time and church time. the concepts in this book are frightfully relevant and life changing, and i have so far been terrified at organizing my life as they intensely describe. but even while i avoid to do some of the things they ask, i find myself subconsciously noticing concepts or ideas in my life. the following observations are made by myself, and not by the book, but i will later explain that the book reinforces these concepts.

as young people of this generation, how have we learnt to manage and organize our lives? at an early age, discipline was forced upon us by our parents, usually by threaten of punishment: deprivation of pleasure, or sometimes of necessities.. poor you if that's u :( once we grow past that young age, we are introduced to the education system. our organization is then guided by assignment or project deadlines. we do our school stuff based on those dates, otherwise resulting in poor grades. poor grades result in a feeling of failure, rejection and dissatisfaction. when university comes, these concepts are further reinforced. because of the volume and intensity of the work, urgency of getting work done is higher, and deadlines have greater weight to them than ever before. the feelings of failure, rejection and the like are also increased, though we become well conditioned to deal with these feelings. but in the end, this is what what education has done to us: it has conditioned us to manage our life based on arbitrarily defined deadline dates only to prevent feelings of failure and rejection. in addition, we realize that these feelings end up being inevitable (unless you're a genius or a brainchild) and become conditioned to numb ourselves from these feelings, further making this discipline ineffective.

i don't think that this is bad in itself provided that you have the strength for it, but i think that it is a poor discipline and management system. this summer i was able to experience something i have not experienced before, and i found it a worthy experiment. for the first time, life was not managed by deadlines. also, quality of life was no longer measured by your academic results and your feelings of failure/success based on those academic results. in fact, life no longer had deadlines, and life no longer had instructions like school had. my experiment was.. based on my previous conditioning/training, how will i react in this new stage of life?

i found out that my resolve to be productive was not strong at all. i think some of that had to do with it being the summer, and the summer was all about having fun. as a result, i would do whatever i want, whenever i want. most of the time, these things were relatively trivial (trivial in purpose and meaning, but still times that are treasured and relationships closer. fun things are not utterly pointless). there were a handful of times where i did things that are considered productive, and i was usually much more willing to play than to do these productive things.

so am i just saying that i've been totally undisciplined and wasted my entire summer? i'm not exactly saying that. what i am saying is.. we've believed that school has taught us what discipline and organization and management is. i believe that it has not taught us that. it teaches us the basics, but there are some very deep ideas that are missing. let me go over the first 3 habits briefly. you can also read up on it on the wiki link i gave, or google it.

habit 1: be proactive.
do you act or are you acted upon? if you are acted upon, your life is in the control of the one acting upon you. if you act, then your life is in the control of you. the more we act, the more control we have in life. proactivity can be developed by first destroying negative thoughts of your ability. then..

habit 2: begin with the end in mind.
focus on the end result, and fill in the in between path according to that result. then you will not lose sight of what you want to achieve. first plan (leadership), then do (management). in order to do these things, your result must be based on principles and values other than anything else. these must be your internal beliefs that you will hold true to. mission statements and personal goals help here.

habit 3: put first things first.
to manage our time to do the right things according to our purpose, we need to analyse our activities. in a 2 by 2 matrix of urgent/not urgent and important/not important, we need to adjust our life to do the not urgent but important tasks (quadrant 2) first. this will cause us to do things according to our purpose and goals, and will drastically decrease emergency type tasks (quadrant 1), and minimize the need for unimportant activities (quadrant 3 and 4). managing your time to be a quadrant 2 person involves once again planning your activities according to your values.

discipline is HARD. why is it hard? it might even be because we don't know how to do it. saying that we will do it doesn't mean we can actually do it. not only is much intricacy required for a fully disciplined life, but also great mental, emotional and spiritual strength is needed. this must be built up. the truth is here. the truth is that none of us are really disciplined. this is only a taste of what it really takes.

these concepts are not exclusive to general life. i think that a poor spiritual life has very much to do with these concepts. when i was young, i learned that as long as you have God as your center, then everything will fall into place. i think that this is not necessarily true, because a poorly managed life will still result in a poor christian life (being the activities you do to further your relationship with God) because everything else is a mess. i don't believe that there's such thing as one thing being perfect while everything else is a mess. the mess of a nonchristian (activities not deliberately for furthering your relationship with God) life will drag down your quality of life, and then you won't have a good relationship with God. this is what it takes to be close to God.

phew, that was long, wasn't it? september is here. time to pull your sword.

aug 17-23 is man week.
oh it is so totally on like a prawn who yawns at dawn.

end of summer thoughts

it's a matter of weeks before the summer is officially over, and i'm feeling like it's about time to give myself some time to think about what's been going on in life.

i have to wonder whether i've become better as a person since i finished school. in a matter of days after the last few exams were done, we had to empty out mcdougall, say our final goodbyes to everyone, and leave university behind us for good, for the first time. in a matter of days, it was a traveling frenzy. we took planes more than some people here take taxis. i traveled to halifax, to vancouver, to hong kong, to all sorts of places in china, and i followed the flow of the trip as a lemming, not knowing where i'd go or what i'd be doing.

then i came back, and went to waterloo. i found myself in a world where familiar friends belonged in, but a world that i was slowly passing away from. i found other people living in my house, and i realize i could no longer call it "my house" anymore. it was something to adjust to, but it was taking a bit of time to allow the others to make mcdougall what it was for themselves and make it a new creation, for a new purpose. in a way, they were doing a better job at that than i was. mcdougall can no longer be a place of security because it is just a house.

so i watched my friends convocate. it was fascinating just how many people showed up to.. take pictures with us, and to be happy for us. it's a great reason for all of us to dress up, look nice and stand in a line and take pictures before we finally leave. but as i stood there, suit, gown, degree and all, every time a picture was taken, i saw in my eyes and in the eyes of others all the things that have happened in the past 5 years in waterloo. i could see all the relationships i've tried to build, and some that have failed, and all the struggles with school and with people that i can remember. every click of the camera was signifying an end to this stage of life.

how silly it was that we were celebrating how good i can regurgitate assignment solutions. why pay 100 dollars to frame assignment solutions? convocation was as wonderful as it was meaningless.

after that wonderful week, i came back to toronto to relive being back at home. here is when i start having trouble recounting individual events, and the time in the summer has been a blur. i tried to think of the things i wanted to do, and i tried to start thinking about my life not in 4 month chunks but for the long term. it worked sometimes but most of the time it didn't because i couldn't see myself in the long term. i was beginning to get asked by everyone what my plan was, and whether i had a job lined up, and i would say that i didn't, much to the opposite of a lot of my friends. they would ask me what i want to do, and i would try to give them some weak answers. the reality is that i couldn't figure it out because i didn't know. do i want to do aerospace? kind of. i guess i can. am i brave enough to do something completely outside engineering? even if i was good at it? not really. these thoughts were coupled with pressure and complete unreasonableness from the family. "if you're not at work, then you're at school. nothing else".

i think i fill my time with meaningless things that are fun. i fill my time with fun. i sleep and wake up at times that are not normal, and i feel like i've been in every time zone in the world from this summer. the more fun things i find, the more that i push the serious stuff away for later. i started to hide from serious stuff, because i'm good at that. sometimes i realize that, so i force myself to do serious stuff, and it works for short periods of time, but really, i think my heart likes doing fun meaningless things.

but there were serious things that i needed to do so that it looks like i'm still a serious person. i signed up to teach sunday school and i went back to men's group, which required me to think and talk about some serious things, but i only need to do those things when those times come. and when the time does come, then i never really want to do it, and i would rather do fun meaningless things instead.

then of course, i had just a fabulous little predicament when july ended. it was always on my mind, and it would keep me up at nights. why couldn't i do it? time was running out. i just couldn't keep it in me, and i told all sorts of people. and one by one they would speak some sense to me, and i would have to agree with them, and feel pretty defeated and that i may have wasted my time and energy. it's so silly.

time is running out. will i do the serious things that i need to do? how do i think for the long term, and act for the long term? what have i learned this summer? i think i learned nothing. i think i'm moving backwards because i can disguise who i am, and hide from everyone else. maybe i am trying to protect my heart, the heart that is dying to admit that it is not ready for real life, not suitable for real life.

there is no playbook, and there is now a new variable called risk.



so where is GOD in all of this? i need the meaning and the direction, and the ownership: God's ownership in my life, and my ownership that i've lived life for God. i don't have either of those things, so everything is, when i think about it, truly meaningless. let's do it, loneliness.

God can make use of each life stage in a powerful and effective way.

we've been used to thinking that faith is... the right co-op job. or finding the right house to live in. or for our exam results to be the way they should be, so that our future can be the way it should be.

maybe back then we were only strong enough to just.. wait. and just live as we normally live, and study as we normally study, and make choices as we normally make choices.

but now that is all over.
what kind of faith is needed now?
faith that asks.. no, requires you to step out of yourself. faith that requires you to face your fears and weaknesses and pain. to make those big decisions not solely for yourself, but for everyone around you.

where you are to think and do the exact opposite of what you would normally do, in total discomfort and uncertainty, to put everything that you are on the line, with only everything that you are not left to stand on.

the faith that is the difference between a real man and the little boy.
the time where the fighting has been done for you is over. it's time to pull out my sword.

but i am scared that i don't have this kind of faith.

沙龍

對焦 她的愛 對慢了 愛人會失去可愛
記低 這感慨 世事變 有沒有將你淹蓋

只一格 經典的偶遇已 不再
儘量框住目前大概

留住 溫度 速度 溫柔和憤怒
凝住 今日 怎樣 好
捉緊 生命濃度 坦白流露 感情和態度
留下 浮光 掠影 飛舞

每張 都罕有
拍下過 記住過 好過擁有 光圈愛漫遊
眼睛等色誘
有人性 鏡頭裡總有豐收

雖則那 即影即有售罄 菲林都已拆走
但是衝動用完 又再有

留住 溫度 速度 溫柔和憤怒
凝住 今日 怎樣 好
捉緊 生命濃度 坦白流露 感情和態度
停下時光 靜止衰老

登高峯一秒
得獎一秒
再破紀錄的一秒
港灣晚燈
山頂破曉
摘下懷念 記住美妙
升職那刻
新婚那朝
成為父母的一秒
要拍照的事 可不少

音樂 話劇 詩詞和舞蹈
揉合 生命 千樣好 攝入相簿
絢爛如電 虛幻如霧 哀愁和仰慕
遊樂人間 活得好 坦白流露
感情和態度
其實 人生並非虛耗
何來塵埃飛舞

i wonder whether the quality of my character is dependent on my surroundings.

is it silly that my usefulness, power and effectiveness can be changed only by changing my surroundings, and not by changing myself from the inside?

little victor's new day at school

it's a big day for mommies and daddies to send their little boys and girls to their first day of school. they get all proud and excited that their children are starting their first real phase of life, and really, are they not paving their way to their future, the oh so bright and successful future?

doctor, lawyer, engineer?
businessman, fireman, batman?

mommy and daddy give their last look as little victor jumps out of the car, lunch box in hand, little backpack with his favourite superhero, depending on what's on tv that day. they probably wonder how long it'll take their little boy to make friends, and to learn his multiplication tables. then they drive away into their own world.

so let's look at how big a day this really is for the little boys and girls.

little victor trods along the halls, and the halls are filled with little students. they were all going to their classrooms, and they knew where to go. but little victor is looking around, trying to find where to go. he was fumbling in his pockets. i think he's looking for his schedule or something to tell him where to go. he searches in his backpack and still doesn't find anything. he looks frustated now, because he's furrowed his little brow.

a seemingly older boy who knew where he was going gave little victor a light slap in the back. "over here, boy. you're going to be late". little victor looked up at him and realized he had no choice but to follow this older boy. he knew where he was going, just like all the other little boys and girls. the older boy directed him to a classroom of other little boys and girls just like little victor, and little victor stepped inside. he looked back to thank his new friend, but the older boy was gone before little victor could say anything. by himself already, he walks into the class and takes a seat, as the teacher was already going through the attendance.

so the multiplication tables? the teacher's starting to hand out the notebooks, and eager little students are flipping through the fresh white pages. chalk touches slate, and the class begins. some students are copying, some are not. look at their faces. little victor's brow is furrowed again, as he has copied the notes on the board, but suddenly has stopped halfway. he puts his pencil down, staring at the board. then he looks out the window. some students look over to victor, but after a glance, they continue to write in their books.

it was recess time. all the little students run outside trying to figure out what fun was. some went to the swings. some went to play ball. others were climbing the park. little victor was overwhelmed by all that selection. some boys were playing handball over at the nearby wall, and that was the closest thing to him, so he went to play handball.

it was getting close to the end of the day, and little victor still had that look on his face, that there might have been a better choice for him here, but he still went with the other choice instead. or he's able to figure something out, but instead he waits it out for other people to figure it out and would not actually figure it out for himself.

maybe school will be better next day.

mommy and daddy, there are some things that happen on the first day of school that you just won't think about.

the problem of sleep #3

having finished a pretty important phase of life, i'm starting to transition to the next phase. people would probably have different names for what i'm going through now, be it a vacation, holiday, freedom or whatever. i think an accurate name for it is unemployment.. or funemployment. i appreciate the free time to just do whatever, relax and do what i want to do, when i want to do it and not have to worry about anything.

it's definitely been good for that, but a lot of days are just not really planned. as a result, there isn't really a reason to wake up, so the obvious idea is to wake up whenever you wake up.

so comes my talent again. my tendency to sleep in until i no longer need sleep, i found myself waking up first at 11. then 12. then wake up times got later and later. at the same time, while i sleep until i wake up, this causes me to stay up later because i've slept enough during the day. my bedtime is shifted later and later. meal times also get shifted, and sometimes i only have one meal a day. this sure can make food expenses a lot less haha.

i do try to occupy whatever time i have awake with meaningful things, but of course it feels like i don't have enough constructive time in a day. i can't say the dead of the night is motivating at any rate to do productive things, and would wait till the morning/afternoon. but sometimes there are things that i do not have time for but still want to do. such is p90x. i usually end up coming home and realizing that i have to work out, and end up doing it at 1am. it doesn't take a genius to see that this increases my heart rate and blood circulation, which makes me stay up later. also i would eat something to recover, and it doesn't take a genius to know that eating before you sleep isn't so great. so i would stay up a bit later to let that pass.

i've been offered several solutions, such as making all my appointments in the morning or set something in the morning such that i have a reason to wake up. stop sleeping late and stop working out late. force yourself to sleep early. i'm trying as hard to get out of this as you guys are trying to give me solutions.

how bout that problem of sleep.

lessons from a tourist part 1

there wasn't a better time.

five years of engineering school finally over, an undecided future, and a group of friends which i lived through pain and joy with, there wasn't a better time. for the first time in my life, i believe i went on what most people would call a vacation. the guys have a talent (and a passion) for the planning and management of the trip, and my uninvolvement in it all resulted in feelings of unexpectedness of the number of bus rides, overnight train rides, flights and early mornings there were. our leader had said that many people responded to our itinenary with "you're all gonna puke in fatigue", and deep inside me, i started wondering where each of us hid our puke from everyone else.

tired is supposedly a familiar feeling in traveling, and over time i was starting to accept it, however unwillingly. the moving around was a lot and there wasn't much time to take a breath and think about what exactly i was doing (except in a checklist sort of way). now that it is all over, the wisdom veiled by activity began to emerge from its hiding place. i was fortunate to go to hong kong, kunming, da li, li jiang, xi'an, beijing, shanghai, huang shan and kota kinabalu, malaysia, and i only hope that the lessons and reminders of the trip will stay with me.

1. the world is becoming an increasing more global world. the new world is not the only dominant power on this earth, but the rest of the world moves at a considerable pace, if not a greater pace. we live our north american lives aware of what is happening around us, but our minds may only have the capacity to care for a few thousand kilometers away from our own home. when i arrived in asia, i saw the familiar drive to survive, to compete and to improve, just like in canada and america. workers in asia work much longer hours than we do. young people are able to have fun for longer than we do. cost of living is frightfully lower than ours. in many dimensions, it is just better in the other half of the world. living in this earth requires one to not just live in north america, but as a global citizen where countries as china or malaysia or wherever else are neighbours down the street.

2. life finds ways to make that apparent to you when events away from your home affect you directly. when i was in hong kong, it didn't occur to me that i had become involved in the lives the relatives that i lived with, and their lives in mine. not anymore than my waking up for breakfast with them, coming home late at night or watching tv next to them, and the occasional light chats. for the first time in my life (that i was both cognitive and decision capable), i had the choice to spend time with relatives. suddenly, family no longer involved in negative emotions ranging from annoying to frustrating to controllingly unreasonable. it's hard to admit that i would rather spend time with friends than with family, given my situation, but with a thread of obligation and some hope of good expectations, i saw myself spending some time with aunts, uncles, cousins, and all those relatives that the english language don't have names for. whenever i was with relatives, the back of my mind whispered, "victor, you don't actually have to be here with these people", yet i was. i guess it just seemed better when i was able to do things my own way, and i was started to become treated like a grown man capable of making my own decisions, capable of thinking and living. during family dinners, i could no longer just sit there and wait for my parents to talk to those relatives because they knew them more than i did (my parents probably didn't really know them well either), so it was up to me to talk. i don't actually have to talk to these people.

but knowing that they were my family, knowing people that were interested in what you were going to do with your life, people that bombarded you with material possessions to show their appreciation for you, people that made you breakfast every morning and did your laundry, then it becomes both necessary and worthy to invest in a relationship with these family members that you don't ever see. in the global world, your extended family is just a neighbour down the street.

3. the reason why i feel that family becomes a neighbour down the street requires a story. my great uncle wanted to take me out on a tour in the south region of hong kong and he said to bring my friends. he had asked me at least twice to go, so i agreed due to his insistence. we went on a bus to stanley and walked around. then we went to repulse bay. at repulse bay, we started to walk toward the beach. there was a single step. my uncle did not see it, and he missed his footing and fell like a rock. i had only saw his body fall from my peripheral vision, and by the time i faced him, he had already fallen. there was a dull thump and the matching sight of his head on concrete. it all had happened before my senses were able to process what exactly had happened, but panic set in fast enough. i ran over to him on the ground to see how he was. no expression of pain, no direction in vision showed that he wasn't conscious. everyone crowded around and i scrambled to look for help, feeling as if every second counted. i pulled out my cell phone and then realized 911 was not the number to dial here. then a nearby man shouted a phone number to call, and i dialed it without caring who i was dialing to. i explained the situation to the other end and they sent lifeguards to get him.

so he was lifted up when he recovered consciousness and brought to the lifeguard centre. an ambulance came and we were driven to the hospital (including me and the guys) and we went through the procedures. he had to stay overnight because they saw a shadow in his brain but did not know what it was. the whole ordeal happened to coincide with my farewell dinner with their family, and the dinner ended up not having him or his wife with us. the next day, his eye started bruising. before there was no visual signs of his injury and that was a relief for the family, but i think the bruising began to come out on the next day after he had slept and his body began to sort issues out. his arm began hurting from the fall. then i left hong kong.

the scene of my uncle falling, the lifeless eyes staring down at concrete, played in my head over and over again that day. my uncle isn't any better when i am away from hong kong. my aunt had sent me an email last week to tell me to give him a call and ask how he is doing. in the global world, life does not stop moving when you are not there. life cannot just be thought of as that which is moving close to you. my uncle may be getting better down the street, and it's not up to my aunt telling me to call for me to be concerned.

life, living and love.

part 2.

today, life told me that i am a child.
a child that does not know what

life,
living,
and love is.

needs a new model

"Risk is a turn-based game for two to six players and is played on a board depicting a stylized Napoleonic-era political map of the Earth, divided into forty-two territories, which are grouped into six continents. Players control armies with which they attempt to capture territories from other players. The goal of the game is "world domination," to control all the territories—or "conquer the world"—through the elimination of the other players. Using area movement, Risk ignores limitations such as the vast size of the world and the logistics of long campaigns."

final week of undergrad

in the weight of my own responsibility, the sight of the complete impossibility, the viselike crush of the hands of time,

only the imaginary music of comfort layers under the deafening silence of night, and my loneliness brings me deeper inside me.

oh, that a miracle would defeat these words.
and this heart of loneliness.

25 not so random things about victor

I choose to do this not because I got tagged and I feel swayed to follow the trend. I couldn't care less about the trend and the pressure of everyone else doing it. But these may be things that I would want the people that I am closer with to know about me. This also functions as a reflective exercise for me and will be posted on my blog. I'm not going to be writing random stuff like everyone else is, but I am writing things that I find meaningful and would find useful for you to know.

1. I grew up going to church since kindergarten and still do so despite some of my family not being Christian. As such, Christianity and Jesus has become a crucial part of my identity, though there are countless downfalls that I have that may not reflect that.

2. If there is only one thing that I can do properly in my entire life, I know that I can sing. My singing skill has fluctuated over the years and I can't sing as well as I used to, but with some work I could maybe restore that. I think that this is God's gift to me that I can express myself like this.

3. I have become a person that values functionality over aesthetics. If something just simply looks good, then it's not good enough if it doesn't work. Everything must perform its function with over 90% efficiency and accuracy. This may or may not have to do with me going through engineering.

4. I am a pure romantic. I care excessively and emotionally for a lot of friends. Most of the time I find that I can only do as much as make the person feel supported emotionally, mentally, and sometimes physically (hunger, tiredness.. that kinda thing), and what I can do is nowhere close to what the person deserves. Oh, the pain of my inability :(.

5. I trust many people would have something to say about my careless and narcissistic nature. This has been a recently acquired trait. I can only attribute it to, at one point of my life, potentially in the past few years, not feeling that my opinion and identity mattered, as well as the pride in how good a person I thought I was. It is not a full-of-myself kind of pride, but a recognition that I was good at certain things and have achieved a certain status based on my life experiences. At this point, I believe that I can both be jokingly narcissistic and emotionally caring to the people around me. If you don't believe this and have comments or opinions about this, please talk to me.

6. When I was growing up, I evaluated that the cool people were cool because they were funny and they said things that people laughed at it. So I strived for that, and I think I succeeded now. There are two disadvantages though. Firstly, you will have a habit of making light of almost everything. Secondly, everyone would think that you are always happy, even if you actually aren't. This may cycle due to the fact that no one would ever wonder if you are truly doing okay or not.

7. As previously written before, I believe that to enjoy the time with a friend is not about what you do, but just the time with the friend. If you are focused on the doing, then you are not doing it right. My mom had taught us the same when she played cards with us when we were kids.

8. For the past while, my own thoughts have been contained within me. I cannot say what I think because bad things will happen, or people can't take it. I am continually reminded by the remark I made when I was on retreat in Montreal and my pastor said it was an admirable quality to be completely honest about wanting things to go exactly the way I want. I suppose most people hide behind other things to compromise. One day I will blow up. I compromise so much, I am getting tired of it.

9. As I will write about in the near future, I believe that the problems of the human nature are problems of the heart. Dealing with the problems of the heart with legalistic measures are completely useless and pointless. The flesh will find a way to get around your legalistic methods. It starts with the heart. Most sermons about sin should tell you that.

10. I value wisdom and intelligence very highly in life. This is one of the reasons why I do read a lot. The more exposure to ideas and thoughts, the more capable you are of applying knowledge. Conversely, incompetence and stupidity is a very big turn off for me. I understand that it is natural for people to make mistakes, and I know I need to be more understanding. Of course when I am doing something stupidly or incompetently, I get very angry and disappointed at myself (ie school).

11. I think that I read a lot, and have done so over the years. I have been aiming to create my own library. Unfortunately, reading has become more just a thing to do other than absorbing and applying the knowledge well. I also am more ready to buy a book and start a book than finishing a book.

12. The English language is one of the greatest things I have learned in my life: its flexibility and its rigidity, its beauty and descriptive power, and its creative space. I don't believe that it should be abused (words not used by their proper definitions). I have strived to write English with more and more beauty and power, but I have a lot to learn.

13. Video games, tv, and such similar entertainment is a double-edged sword. There is nothing wrong in their entertainment value (unless you are being entertained by something that you shouldn't be entertained with), but exposed entertainment conditions you to hunger constantly for such entertainment. It can easily go out of control and even the hunger for it can dominate your life, let alone the actual entertainment itself. This is why our parents restricted our tv/video game times to a certain amount of time when we were kids: delayed gratification.

14. Similar to 13, music is also a double-edged sword. I have heard people say statements like "music is my life" or "music on, world off", and I can see why. I too love and appreciate music and listen to a lot of it. But music has such a direct link to our emotional being that listening to the wrong kind of music (or the a kind of music excessively) could manipulate our emotions improperly. Very strong control over your emotions may be needed to get over this. Then music becomes something to be enjoyed, and something to be used to express yourself.

15. I have grown to love eating food. I will eat almost anything nowadays, with one exception. I do not and will not eat Japanese food. People have tried forcing me to and have failed. I recently had Japanese food in Vancouver just because I was in Vancouver, and will not again. Let this dismiss any hopes of you trying to get me to eat any more Japanese food. I will make some compromises if I MUST.

16. One of the things I want to become good at is cooking. Over the past 5 years of university, I can say that I am able to make some good food, but I still have a lot to learn. Food brings people together, and can make your girlfriend/wife really happy. I want to make people and girlfriend and wife happy. Also, I like to eat food. If I can make good food, then everyone will be happy.

17. The triumph of good over evil is one of the favourite things in my life. This explains my love for adrenaline rushing movies of intense fighting, epic (a word now becoming way overused :@) battles of armies, and of course, Lord of the Rings and the Tolkien world, and even more of course, the Bible. Good will always triumph over evil.

18. I believe that credit must be given to those that deserve it. If someone does a good job at something, then they deserve to be acknowledged and appreciated. It is an injustice for someone to do a good job at something and not be appreciated for it in a way that the person can feel appreciated. It is also an injustice for the friend that does much for someone but not get anything back in return, and I hate being the butt end of that (I have been many times)

19. I believe that men should live according to the biblical role of a man. Men are to be the provider of the family and the lover and supporter of their wife. Men should dedicate their lives in working for the purpose of providing for their wife and family. They must protect them and keep them safe. And really, it doesn't have to be in the Bible for you guys to know that. Whenever I get too lazy to do work, I need to remind myself of this.

20. The family unit is the most vital part of any person's life. The condition of a family unit can make or break the quality and character of a person and their life. I do not think that the condition of my family is very good, and if it were better, I may be a much better person than I am now. Being the youngest in the family, I have always felt powerless to do anything to "fix" my family, but by God's grace, I hope that He can change that.

21. I do not have a career path yet. With an engineering degree, it is likely that I would try to find an engineering job, and am doing so now, but I do not believe that engineering is my passion. In fact, I think engineering is boring. Any of the interests that I've already mentioned may be a suitable career path, but something that I have not mentioned yet is teaching. I think I am a good tutor, and I care about people in a way that value their acquiring of knowledge. This would be the next likely occupation that has stability.

22. I wished that I could be closer friends with a lot more people. Unfortunately that probably will not happen.

23. I talk to a lot of people via instant messaging. I recently counted that I consistently talked to 16 people, and the number of girls is only slightly higher than the number of guys. I started instant messaging in Grade 7, and almost haven't stopped, except for various short hiatus. I don't think I am addicted, but definitely am conditioned to chatting, at the least. I think I really like talking to my friends, but I seem to be able to do a better job online than in real life. I wish it wasn't that way. It makes me sound like a social recluse.

24. We all need to say how we feel about ourselves and of the people around you more often. This is so that we could encourage them and let them know that they are appreciated, or they need to change something in their lives. I wrote an honest email to a number of friends just to tell them that I had a good weekend and enjoyed the time with them and that I appreciated them, and I had a very good response. Its frankness was a shock to many, almost as if I was writing them my suicide letter (that was funny haha). At this moment, I feel that I have emptied a lot of myself in writing all of this, and some of the frankness in writing this may shock people.

25. I am waiting for the second most beautiful and wonderful and life changing thing to happen. I can't wait to meet the girl that I will be with for the rest of my life, and will love and cherish her with my entire being. I probably don't know what to do at all, but I hope I can be the man can give her all that she deserves.

is there someone that you want to spend time with?
go ahead and tell them that, and go do it.

don't let activities get in the way of enjoying the person's presence, only let the activity be the channel to get to the person.

if true enjoyment was about DOING, then we'd be able to be saved by works. true friendship is relationship.

finding that blogging has been more about reporting recent events than the artistic writing and expression of thought. this has been due to the recent events that have occurred that have rendered me unavailable to write, but also unavailable to think and express. but i'll tell you the recent events and hopefully you will understand. i do not want to compromise this blog with writing just simply "writing about my day".

there was already something to write about having come back from winter retreat (last one). aside from the tackling and throwing a certain someone in the snow, the retreat was truly a memorable one for me because i saw the fellowship kneel before God in its brokenness and cry for healing. during the weekend, i had been overwhelmed by my own desires and distractions, but finally, at that moment, i cried to God to break me free from them, and soon enough, in my heart and mind i realized my selfishness, and i was shown what my heart should have been breaking for. i knelt down and prayed for my family, for their brokenness, their pain and the lack of love. with all the things that have happened between my writing now and retreat, i wish i continued to keep with this.

of course, what happened directly after retreat caught me completely by surprise. feeling more tired than usual in the morning, i slept in for class despite sleeping early the night before. when i woke up later in the day and went to my afternoon class, i felt awful. i came home, going in and out of bed, and eventually and suddenly puked my guts out. i had not experienced this for something like 10-15 years, and i was shocked. soon enough, i declared myself sick with the stomach flu. i must say that of all common illnesses, stomach flu is among the worst. i eventually acquired some more symptoms, and became bedridden for most of the week. i was sick till around thursday and felt close to 100% on friday.

and of course, stomach flu was more than enough for me to become unable to work and think, so i decided to postpone my econ 102 midterm to the week after. i also asked for an extension for my first upcoming deliverable. the week after my being sick was midterm week and reading week followed that, i could only postpone so many things. then, on the thursday while i was still sleeping a lot, i received a call. it was a girl from HR requesting an interview. i had a choice between going into toronto for the interview on tuesday or on friday. remembering that i had a midterm on friday, tuesday was the better choice. so this is what my schedule was for the week february 9-13:

mon feb 9: requests extension for SYDE 542 assignment in class. heads to toronto in preparation for interview.

tues feb 10: bombardier interview at 3:30pm. returns to waterloo directly in preparation for the upcoming work.

wed feb 11:
-ME 452 HVAC Lab due before 4pm (15% of final mark, a three person lab but i did 2 of the 3 parts of the lab)
-SYDE 542 Interface Design Storyboard due before 11:59pm (20% of final mark)
-ECON 102 Midterm at 2:30pm, and creation of cheat sheet(in my foresight, studied 80% of material on sat feb 7)

thurs feb 12: MSCI 432 Midterm at 8:30am, and creation of cheat sheet (knows zero course material at that moment)

fri feb 13: ME 452 Midterm at 9:00pm, and creation of cheat sheet (knows zero course material at that moment)

Approx Hours of Sleep during sickness week Feb 2-6: ~66 hours in 5 days 4 nights
Approx Hours of Sleep during midterm week Feb 9-13: ~25 hours in 5 days 4 nights

after this week was over, i must say that i feel pretty satisfied with my performance in all of these things. i've gotten results to one or two of these things, but will see the rest in the upcoming weeks.

on the saturday following midterm week, me herman bily and heng are now in vancouver having the first vacation almost ever. won't say too much about that for now because the stories will come when we return. but i think i am having some trouble because i don't have experience with enjoying.


tonight, my mind is asking to work again. i'm trying to listen to it.

"we cannot live unaffected by love. we are most alive when we find it, most devastated when we lose it, most empty when we give up on it, most inhumane when we betray it, and most passionate when we pursue it. the human story seems more driven by the insanity of love than the survival of the fittest."

--soul cravings, erwin raphael mcmanus

the roller coaster ride of experiencing the livelihood, the devastation, the emptiness, the inhumanity.. and the passion.. all at the same time.

the problem of sleep #2

(Resource: Can you get too much sleep?

http://chealth.canoe.ca/channel_health_features_details.asp?health_feature_id=362&article_id=1136&channel_id=135&relation_id=2334)

***
Everyone oversleeps from time to time, usually to pay back a sleep debt - like after an all-night study session, a bout of jet lag, or any other period of sleep deprivation. Those who sleep beyond 8 hours on a regular basis could be long sleepers, the name given to people with hypersomnia (the opposite of insomnia, it literally means "too much sleep").

If long sleepers get the sleep their bodies need and their long sleep does not negatively affect their day-to-day life, this is not a serious problem. In some cases, hypersomnia can cause unproductive sleep and changes in mood, memory, appetite, and energy levels.

Check with your doctor if you regularly sleep 10 or more hours and experience daytime sleepiness that is not relieved by napping. There could be underlying reasons for excess sleep:

* use of certain medications
* head trauma
* medical conditions (e.g., multiple sclerosis, epilepsy)
* sleep disorders (narcolepsy, sleep apnea)
* symptoms of other medical conditions (e.g., oversleeping is a common symptom of depression)

**

so i either have head trauma, a sleep disorder, or depression.

victor's guide to awkward conversations

it's been a while since i returned to toronto from a long time away in waterloo. naturally, there were a lot of people that i haven't seen or talked to for a while. during the christmas holiday, i was able to see those that i haven't seen not only because i have been away from home, but also because they were away from their own universities or wherever. christmas is a good time to see these people again and catch up.

but what has stood out to me the most is how some of the conversations i've had with people. i have always thought that i am a good conversationalist, and based on that classification, that i have enough experience to rate some of the conversations i had to be subpar.

no, they were just outright awkward.

in light of joanna's recent blog post of msn conversations, i too have some observations and tips of how to deal with awkward conversations. but i will be very detailed, as this topic concerns a lot of people.


1. the pre-entry

a) i trust that most of us want to prevent awkward conversations. have an idea as to what kind of people will lead you to an awkward conversation. make a list of these people. i tend to have a tier based list, something like "high awkward, middle awkward, low awkward, regular conversationalists". a tier based list will help you firstly to keep an eye on such people, and secondly would let you know how badly you want to avoid these people.

b) based on the tier of awkwardness, use your discretion to avoid those people. how this is done is up to you, but there are some incredible ways that i have used. the key is to avoid eye contact. if you see a person approaching you, you cannot let the person make eye contact with you. creative ways of achieving this is moving in a way that causes your eyes to be blocked from the person's line of vision. this could be anything ranging from other people's heads, pillars, furniture, or even a book or something like that. the movement that you make must be minimal, in effort to not appear that you are desperately trying to get away from the person. another thing you could do is get divert your attention to something else, such that you appear to not be in the chatting condition. this very much works in your favour in the christian context, firstly because serving is considered a good thing, and secondly because even if the person does end up starting a conversation with you, you have an escape route. more on this later. another option is to start a conversation with someone higher on the awkward list, preferably on the regular conversationalist level. this may turn off the person from wanting to start a conversation with you.

2. the entry

a) if the person has managed to get through your pre-emptive defenses, then there is no choice but to engage the threat. as previously stated, you do not want the person to realize that you are trying to get away them, because you would just be a total jerk. therefore, you must welcome the person with opening arms. "opening arms" will depend on whether you are male or female, and whether the person is male or female. i will only speak from a male perspective, since i happen to be male.

ai) male to female: this can be treated in a few ways, depending on how close you are with the girl. the art of administering hugs leads to a whole discussion on its own. the key to a good hug is the force of the hug. the hold must be firm and confident, but soft and gentle at the same time. such force is generally felt by the bodily contact, so the greater surface area, the more thorough the hug is. therefore, maximize surface area and input a strong but soft amount of force. i will point out a few more important things to note.

firstly, note the arms. i am a firm believer that the male must support the lower region, because the male should be a support for the female. this is even biblical. anyway, this means that the male must use the secondary arm (mine is left) to hold the lower back of the girl, and the strong arm (mine is right) to hold the upper back of the girl. with this said, your secondary arm must be located below the girl's arm so as to not cause confusion where each of your arms will go.

the second point to note is dealing with height. i used to try bending my knees to adjust to the height, but i think girls will consider this slightly offensive to the height difference, because you have to put so much effort just to adjust. i guess the next best thing is to bend the waist instead (or get her a step stool). the danger of this is the shoulder (generally i aim my head to the right of her head. also be sure of this and make it clear to her, otherwise you might end up kissing her in the lips.. unless that is what you are going for.. ) could clear take off her head. i have done this on multiple occasions, and have not found a better solution other than bend lower. i realize that lower bending means that there will be less bodily contact, but that may have to do.

the third point is note items in your hand. i once made the mistake of not knowing what to do with an item in my hand, and it ended up in between the hug. that was an experience that i do not want to repeat and i felt like an absolute idiot. the funny thing was that it was a box, and it couldn't withstand the force, so the hug was adjusted to preserve the integrity of the box. this of course ruined the hug altogether, because both bodily contact and a good force were not there. therefore, friends, AVOID this at all costs! a few ways to prevent this is to adminster a one handed hug. keep the utilized arm away, but be sure to replace the missing application of force with a greater force by the other arm. the other way obviously is the still use the arm and not let it get in the way of anything. depending on the item that you are holding, this may not be a good idea though. use your discretion.

the proper administering of a hug can lead to a good boost for a conversation. it will also give you a reputation as a good hugger. of course, it is not always appropriate to give the girl a hug. if this is the case, proceed to the next section aii.

aii) male to male (or male to unhuggable female): obviously, you do not deliver the aforementioned hug to a male. otherwise you would be considered a homersexual. what can be done instead is the head nod, consisting of head raising at a very low angle (high angle will look stupid) at a moderately high angular velocity. also the regular handshake, the man hug, or the man handshake are options, depending on how close you are with the guy. something that i have progressively been using is the slap on the shoulder, which i find is a good way of acknowledging a guy's presence, but also has an element of care to it. guys generally don't care how they are acknowledged, so either of these methods could work just fine. in the case of the unhuggable females, the handshake methods will not work so well. females do not appreciate such gestures, and the best methods to use are either the head nod or the light shoulder tap. one other option that you will have involves eye contact, which will be discussed next.

b) once the initial greeting as been delivered, then you are in the fray. now a note on eye contact. of course there are levels of intensity of eye contact, and it is up to you to decide what level of eye contact you would like. to benefit the potential awkwardness to come, i recommend the darting eye contact. keep only split second eye contact with the person, and the divert your eyes to anything but the person. this will show the person you are either not that interested in the conversation, or you are just a poor conversationalist and will lose interest in talking to you. the other extreme is i guess.. the piercing eye contact. i have been using this level of eye contact more and more often now, to look into the person and give them my utmost attention, letting the person know that i care about every single thing that comes out of their mouth. i use this for people that i genuinely care about, but for combatting the weak-willed, this could also be used as a weapon. a very large number of people are afraid of eye contact. the power of continuous eye contact may cause the person to feel uncomfortable and shy away. as you can see, this can be used in both an additive and subtractive manner, and thus must be carefully wielded. it is up to your discretion to decide what level between the two extremes you are to use upon the person you are conversing with. eye contact can also be used as a method of acknowledgement, so this will require an initial higher level of eye contact.

3. the conversation

a) this of course is the most important part of dealing with the awkward conversation. we all have a default list of things to talk about with people in general, and it should be clear to you all the time. everyone starts with "how are you?" or "how's it going?" all the time. if you are able to add more substance to the start, do so. the conversation needs to be as far away as "how are you?" as much as possible in order for the conversation to build. conversations tend to start off well when you talk about what each of you have been doing, such as school or work. apparently, what we "do" is considered "catch-up". based on that, start off with this. this will last you at least two to four exchanges in talk. based on what as been mentioned, attempt to branch off to more topics. ask for more detail on various topics. depending on the quality of the conversationalist (you and the person), this can last very many exchanges, and your issue of an awkward conversation may actually be solved. the awkwardness will fade away when what you talk about goes from what you do to what you think of or what you think about.

b) for every single person that you suspect will lead to an awkward conversation, it is important to prepare a list of conversation topics before the conversations actually occur. such lists can either be tailored for each person, or it can be general stories about yourself that you are willing to tell anyone. because a conversation involves participation from both parties, be sure to prepare both questions for the person as well as stories that you could tell the person.

c) different measures must be taken if you are unable to guide the conversation. if the person starts the conversation off demanding something, or not really gearing for a conversation, then the conversation phase as described here can be skipped, and a certain escape route technique can be used. see below.

d) there should always be a way to relieve tension. such tension relief is the elimination of then dead silence. when the conversation is not ready to be ended but dead silence is occuring, something must fill the silence if the conversation is unable to be picked up again. various things can be done in this situation, such as the positive acknowledgement again. unfortunately, this too can get a bit dry if done continually. what i like to do (and people have obviously seen this) is say "yeah!" in my own inflection. this (to me) at least kills the dead silence and gives me time to think of something more to say. this too cannot be used repeatedly, as you will sound like an idiot.

4. the escape route

a) the escape route is the key to dealing with awkward conversations. i personally believe that well executed escape routes are the optimal solution to awkward conversations. there are a few ways to do this properly:

ai) acknowledgement of the awkward conversation. even with the techniques listed above, a conversation could end stale very quickly. when the conversation is dying, you need to be swift in declaring the conversation over. awkwardness is in many ways caused by the dead silence, and avoiding this silence can save it. to declare the conversation over, i have seen some people say things like "well it was nice talking to you, see you around" or "talk to you later". this technique must be built up gradually, as an abrupt use of this will signify desperation to get out. gradualness is described by positive acknowledgement to the conversation topics such as "wow it's really great that you've been keeping so busy" or things of this nature.

i have seen some people just acknowledge the awkward conversation with something like a nod, and then just walk off. this is poor management of the conversation. do NOT do this, friends. this again is the problem of abruptness. it all has to be SMOOTH.

aii) the action method. this is a favoured method of mine, and i mentioned it earlier. a very elegant method to back out of a conversation is to tell the person that you need to do something. this could be something as moving chairs after fellowship, helping clean up anything, or whatever. anything will do. even like.. you have to throw away your cup. of course, this technique cannot be used until some conversation has begun, but this will significantly cut down conversation time as well as allow for escape. do be aware that the less significant your action is, the more likely the person will feel like you are desperate to get out of the conversation. be sure to that you keep an eye on the person when you are performing your action. there may be an expectation from the person that you will return to the conversation. if that is the case, you may be obligated to do so. this is still helpful, as you have gained more time to think of things to talk about, and the conversation is reset.

aiii) the last method i can think of right now is an emergency tactic. this involves the use of the field. as mentioned before, the key to a conversation is eye contact, and conversation should continue if general eye contact still exists. as such, the termination of eye contact could lead to the termination of the conversation. this is not as simple as not looking at the person, because that would be considered rude and kind of stupid. you will need to make use of the environment. you need to manage objects between your body and the other person's body, and enough objects between the two bodies will interfere with the conversation. busy environments are obviously good for this, and this will not work at all for calm environments. if the objects prevent you from maintaining constant eye contact with the person, or if the volume of the environment is loud enough for it to be an excuse to stop the conversation, say so in the conversation and suggest another time or location for the conversation. bring this up only when this is an obvious problem. inconspicuous control of the location of the conversation can be done to trigger those conditions. be very careful with this technique because appropriate conditions are quite rare.

aiv) something i forgot to put on that happened to me today: the assist method. one way to make a conversation less awkward is the addition of another participant in the conversation. i find that the awkwardness of a group of people is easier to bear than that of a one on one conversation. if there ways to incorporate more people to assist you in the conversation, this will make your job easier. if you are the one bringing a new person, you are still obligated to maintain the conversation, unless your friend has control of it. if the person is the one that brings a person in, then a viable escape option is to allow the two to talk together long enough, then you can RUN OFF! they are too occupied in their conversation to bother with you. this method can only be used if there are people around. so if you're lucky, then use this. keep an eye out.

b) if the conversation is not under your control, there is something else that you can do. the conversation can be transformed from a conversation into just an acknowledgement or command or a distribution of information. this is characterized by the lack of pre-entry and entry techniques. just acknowledge the information given and received and MOVE ON. such a technique will cause the conversation to not be a conversation at all, and you would have dodged the awkward bullet hardcore.

these are the most general rules, tips and techniques that i can think of. there are many specific situations that i have come to learn to deal with that i may not be able to think of now, and i would only pull those techniques out of the goody bag at the right time. if you have any questions, feel free to ask the expert.

holiday numbness

all the fun, the seeing people, the catching up, the small talking, the searching for something significant to talk about...

all the driving, busing, hustling here and there

all the eating, spending, reusing and refining the funny things

all the email chains, online banter, planning this, organizing that

all the long days, the restless fatigue, the zero sense of time...

all of that.. numb, was not what i intended.


not even able to hear myself think:
i need the quiet.
i need the still small voice. i need to reach out to You.