it seems like my own well-being dangles by a thread. i said short pain better than long pain, and here it will soon come, if not already here.
i think i can see the full picture now. the full picture angers me inside, but it is no one's fault but ourselves, and the motion of life. ourselves we can change, but life we cannot control.
maybe it is inevitable, as i said. it would probably happen eventually, for our own good. it cannot last forever.
maybe i am jumping the gun. over-observant this time?
no.. it looks right.
is it really? can i be sure?
please don't do it.. please.. i put in too much.. too much love.. i loved too much.
and i said that i could do it.
if i really have to do it, then i'll do it.
gotta hold my composure.
Tuesday, May 10, 2005
Thursday, April 28, 2005
gaahh..
i think this is the first time i will "vent" like a kid in this blog thing. sorry for those that expect more from me, but unfortunately i cannot please you this time. or maybe i will, i don't know. people say (or more so i observe, cuz ppl either don't know, don't care, or aren't observant at all) that i do not express myself, my feelings and my struggles very often, or very well. if that is so, then here it is, clear in black and white. with as little riddles as possible.
most christians struggle with spiritual battles. they battle sin daily, and pray for strength by the Holy Spirit. sometimes they win, sometimes they lose, but if they lose, they keep going. if they win, then they praise the Lord, and God's name is glorified because of it. but i am different. i do not struggle with spiritual battles. i struggle with the struggle. i struggle with deciding to put up the fight. i don't know if it is that i give up, or that i don't even care. sometimes it makes me doubt.. what of my faith? why do i not care? of course, these thoughts do not go through my mind when the struggles happen. it doesn't make sense, living such a double life. it is revolting to know that even to this day, i could possibly be living as a sunday christian. it is even more revolting to see the kind of life i lead on the weekdays. the problem is.. i don't even see it, because i don't care.
people hear me saying "toronto and waterloo both have its goods and bads". it is true. first term may really have been a lucky shot. i often tell people who miss first term.. that the future is what we should be looking forward to. the past is what we've enjoyed, and that is behind us. what we need to do now is to make the future all the better. even better than before. maybe i am a hypocrite. i have only been in waterloo for a short 4 months. have i seen enough to be able to decide what kind of an experience i will have? not seeing everybody for 4 years.. it hurts. i am a person that does not like superficial friendships. often i do not put much effort into superficial friendships. if the other person doesn't care, i find that i usually do not either. but i take my focus on those that do care. i do not want all my "friends" to become as such. and what about toronto? toronto is also a great place to be. but i think that things at scbc are beoming quite sketchy, and the people are becoming.. i don't know what they are becoming. our graduating year was a very big year. because of that, it was a big loss on our gideon fellowship for high school students. it was also a big impact for those that were supposed to graduate, but stayed back a year. it appears(ed) to me that things are falling apart. people are going their separate directions, becoming comfortable with where they are in their universities. or maybe i'm wrong. i do not think that we have been very good role models to the younger generations, as i think that is a responsibility that we have. the trend will continue in the future, as they do not have too many other choices. we got a new youth pastor last week. we will see how things go. i do not know whether i am hopeful or not anymore.
but the most difficult thing about being in toronto is being at home. most people say and know that they are different people at home. well i think there is a good reason for that. the environment is different.. so different. most of you probably complain that your mother is yellin at you for doing this and that. well try having three of those.. that's approximately me. i live with my mom, my aunt, and my grandma. and you know what else? my dad is living away from me.. of which i can no longer decide whether that is good or not. and he has been unemployed for months. and my brother is.. my brother, his majesty. and both sides don't usually agree with each other. things become rather paradoxical. usually the things that ur parents tell u to do are things that u can't really do. sleep early. i have been yelled at for probably hours upon hours on just that. and they think i have FUN staying up and tiring myself or something? and that i enjoy hearing them telling me the same things over and over again, while demeaning everything i do along the way. i understand that they mean good. but don't they think that i have my own brain? my own principles? it is paradoxical. they mean good. but so do i. there are plenty more things that i do wrong. eventually that leads me to just not want to do anything, and just sit there and play video games. of course, then i get yelled at for just sitting there and wasting away my life. what a nice little cycle.
so how do i feel? that is a good question. let me try to answer it the best i can. i feel like crap. i feel very useless. incapable to make my own decisions, always needing others to make decisions for me. i feel quite disgusted at myself. of the current condition i am in. the things that i think about, the things i don't think about, and the way my mind works. i also wonder why i am not in the authoritative and powerful state that i once was, and then i would think whether it was even right to be in a state like that, and after that i think whether i actually was in that state, or it was just my imagination, and it actually wasn't so and i was just being a stupid idiot. it is very easy to believe that a holy and just God wouldn't want to tolerate me and my behavior. the fact that He does is unfathomable and impossible to believe. i also feel unworthy of the friends and family around me, and incapable of playing the role of being a true friend. i have become too narrow-sighted, as i mentioned before, and still are. but it is difficult to be far-sighted with just msn. i also have no guts, because i have shied away from so many things that needed to be addressed. so many people that needed support, but didn't receive it. too satisfied with being comfortable with myself. i think that in a nutshell is how i feel.
i am not asking for pity. that is not the purpose of this. i guess in a way i am trying to destroy my personal image that i am invincible. or that i am so knowledgeable and experienced that i can take care of any situation, including yours. in a way it is also a side of me that most people do not see, as i do not show it often. one person has said that i am actually a very quiet person. paradoxical again, no? let me say that i have become a very skilled small talker over the years. for those that have read this far, i commend you for doing so. then u either have a lot of time to kill, and are bored and have a feeling that victor will write something insightful to you.. or you do actually care for what i may havta say. either way, i would appreciate it this time if you left a bit of feedback, whether u have access to blogger or not. even just saying that u've read what i've written.
that is it. i end here. may Jesus be the Only Judge of this.
-victor
most christians struggle with spiritual battles. they battle sin daily, and pray for strength by the Holy Spirit. sometimes they win, sometimes they lose, but if they lose, they keep going. if they win, then they praise the Lord, and God's name is glorified because of it. but i am different. i do not struggle with spiritual battles. i struggle with the struggle. i struggle with deciding to put up the fight. i don't know if it is that i give up, or that i don't even care. sometimes it makes me doubt.. what of my faith? why do i not care? of course, these thoughts do not go through my mind when the struggles happen. it doesn't make sense, living such a double life. it is revolting to know that even to this day, i could possibly be living as a sunday christian. it is even more revolting to see the kind of life i lead on the weekdays. the problem is.. i don't even see it, because i don't care.
people hear me saying "toronto and waterloo both have its goods and bads". it is true. first term may really have been a lucky shot. i often tell people who miss first term.. that the future is what we should be looking forward to. the past is what we've enjoyed, and that is behind us. what we need to do now is to make the future all the better. even better than before. maybe i am a hypocrite. i have only been in waterloo for a short 4 months. have i seen enough to be able to decide what kind of an experience i will have? not seeing everybody for 4 years.. it hurts. i am a person that does not like superficial friendships. often i do not put much effort into superficial friendships. if the other person doesn't care, i find that i usually do not either. but i take my focus on those that do care. i do not want all my "friends" to become as such. and what about toronto? toronto is also a great place to be. but i think that things at scbc are beoming quite sketchy, and the people are becoming.. i don't know what they are becoming. our graduating year was a very big year. because of that, it was a big loss on our gideon fellowship for high school students. it was also a big impact for those that were supposed to graduate, but stayed back a year. it appears(ed) to me that things are falling apart. people are going their separate directions, becoming comfortable with where they are in their universities. or maybe i'm wrong. i do not think that we have been very good role models to the younger generations, as i think that is a responsibility that we have. the trend will continue in the future, as they do not have too many other choices. we got a new youth pastor last week. we will see how things go. i do not know whether i am hopeful or not anymore.
but the most difficult thing about being in toronto is being at home. most people say and know that they are different people at home. well i think there is a good reason for that. the environment is different.. so different. most of you probably complain that your mother is yellin at you for doing this and that. well try having three of those.. that's approximately me. i live with my mom, my aunt, and my grandma. and you know what else? my dad is living away from me.. of which i can no longer decide whether that is good or not. and he has been unemployed for months. and my brother is.. my brother, his majesty. and both sides don't usually agree with each other. things become rather paradoxical. usually the things that ur parents tell u to do are things that u can't really do. sleep early. i have been yelled at for probably hours upon hours on just that. and they think i have FUN staying up and tiring myself or something? and that i enjoy hearing them telling me the same things over and over again, while demeaning everything i do along the way. i understand that they mean good. but don't they think that i have my own brain? my own principles? it is paradoxical. they mean good. but so do i. there are plenty more things that i do wrong. eventually that leads me to just not want to do anything, and just sit there and play video games. of course, then i get yelled at for just sitting there and wasting away my life. what a nice little cycle.
so how do i feel? that is a good question. let me try to answer it the best i can. i feel like crap. i feel very useless. incapable to make my own decisions, always needing others to make decisions for me. i feel quite disgusted at myself. of the current condition i am in. the things that i think about, the things i don't think about, and the way my mind works. i also wonder why i am not in the authoritative and powerful state that i once was, and then i would think whether it was even right to be in a state like that, and after that i think whether i actually was in that state, or it was just my imagination, and it actually wasn't so and i was just being a stupid idiot. it is very easy to believe that a holy and just God wouldn't want to tolerate me and my behavior. the fact that He does is unfathomable and impossible to believe. i also feel unworthy of the friends and family around me, and incapable of playing the role of being a true friend. i have become too narrow-sighted, as i mentioned before, and still are. but it is difficult to be far-sighted with just msn. i also have no guts, because i have shied away from so many things that needed to be addressed. so many people that needed support, but didn't receive it. too satisfied with being comfortable with myself. i think that in a nutshell is how i feel.
i am not asking for pity. that is not the purpose of this. i guess in a way i am trying to destroy my personal image that i am invincible. or that i am so knowledgeable and experienced that i can take care of any situation, including yours. in a way it is also a side of me that most people do not see, as i do not show it often. one person has said that i am actually a very quiet person. paradoxical again, no? let me say that i have become a very skilled small talker over the years. for those that have read this far, i commend you for doing so. then u either have a lot of time to kill, and are bored and have a feeling that victor will write something insightful to you.. or you do actually care for what i may havta say. either way, i would appreciate it this time if you left a bit of feedback, whether u have access to blogger or not. even just saying that u've read what i've written.
that is it. i end here. may Jesus be the Only Judge of this.
-victor
Tuesday, April 19, 2005
Spirituality. Yes or no?
We live in a secular age. Never has there been an age where people build a way of life as if there was no God. The news on our televisions is always sad news. A murder, a rape, a gunfight, or all of them together. People do as they choose, and they care only for themselves, resulting in others getting hurt. Secular thought has also developed greatly in the last two centuries. In fact, this is the time that people are adamantly professing that the material world is all that there is.
We also live in a religious age. The idea of spirituality has become popularized to many different people. Famous celebrities like Madonna and Britney Spears are turning to the recent religion of Kabbalah. Your friends and family may follow the daily horoscopes in the newspaper religiously. Even the Eastern religions, such as Buddhism, are spreading to the Western world. Everywhere around you, people are looking for a deeper sense of life. No longer is the world satisfied with just what they can see.
So which one is it? Is there no God at all, or is there a God? Or many gods that are above our lives? Is there any meaning to life, or can I just go with the flow, because it doesn’t matter anyway? The answer to these questions can be understood in looking at the history of religion.
Religious thought has been part of humanity since the beginning. There have been many amazing archaelogical finds deep inside cave systems which gives us an insight of religion in ancient times. Vivid paintings can be found, dating back to the Palaeolithic era (50,000 to 10,000 BC). They show scenes of animals such as deer and bison, many of them riddled with arrows and lances of hunters. These paintings are very deep in the caves, and the distances from the cave entrances are up to several hundred metres. What was the point of having these paintings so deep inside the caves? It is clear that these paintings were not for others’ viewing pleasure, as they would not have been painted so far in the caves. Most experts view these pictures as ritualistic or magical. Religious ceremonies were probably held before the hunters left their caves and families to seek for food. These hunters were definitely more than just a bunch of savages fighting for survival.
Even further back in history, there is evidence of prehistoric human communities that took care of their dead. They used a certain substace in burials that Australian aboriginals today believe to represent blood and life. Could this mean that these prehistoric people believed in a life beyond death? Some skeletons that were found from this era appear to be buried in a similar position that a baby in the womb would take. Could this suggest the idea of a new birth after death? The truth behind all these rituals will never be discovered, but it is very clear that even in such ancient times, these humans had a spiritual dimension in their lives.
People began to organize themselves into cities. Agriculture provided food, and cities began to grow. Survival was no longer a great concern, and therefore the people spent time to develop ideas about the spiritual dimension. Writing and language was also developed, and it allowed ideas to be passed around more readily than before. The newly organized religions then began to produce their own scriptures. The Middle East, India and China were the three areas where the great world religions began. In Israel, the Hebrew prophets preached the ideas of Judaism, of which Islam and Christianity would develop in the future. In India, Hinduism was growing, and the Upanishads, the Hindu scriptures, were written. In China and other parts of South-east Asia, Gautama Buddha founded Buddhism, which was based on Hindu beliefs. No longer just a band of hunters, the civilized people not only did not abandon their spiritual side, but their ideas about spirituality grew and blossomed. The majority of humanity sensed that there is more to life than what meets the eye.
The times seem different in the 21st century. People are beginning to turn away from spiritual convictions, or just not bothering anymore. Agnosticism and secularism make the list of the world religions. Because of technological advances, many scientific discoveries have led people to become more and more uncertain about any spiritual dimension. But no matter what, these organizations of anti-spirituality cannot fully escape the thoughts of religion. The teachings of Marxism may not be as religionless as they think. Ninian Smart writes “God may have been absent from Marx’s view of the world, but there was something about his teaching that appealed to springs of human hope.” Just like how Christians looked forward to the coming of the kingdom of God, Marxists also await the time when communism will be implemented universally. And when it comes to dealing with critical moments in life, such as marriage, birth and death, it is impossible not to think of spiritual ideas. Anti-spirituality has started off with a shaky foundation.
So which one is it? Spirituality or no spirituality? Still, the answer cannot be written in black and white. But the history as been laid out, and what remains is your own judgment. The search for spirituality is no overnight stay, but it is a long journey in consideration of all the options. May these words be the beginning of your spiritual journey.
-Victor Lau
Based on the article “The Spiritual Dimension” by Gavin Reid
We also live in a religious age. The idea of spirituality has become popularized to many different people. Famous celebrities like Madonna and Britney Spears are turning to the recent religion of Kabbalah. Your friends and family may follow the daily horoscopes in the newspaper religiously. Even the Eastern religions, such as Buddhism, are spreading to the Western world. Everywhere around you, people are looking for a deeper sense of life. No longer is the world satisfied with just what they can see.
So which one is it? Is there no God at all, or is there a God? Or many gods that are above our lives? Is there any meaning to life, or can I just go with the flow, because it doesn’t matter anyway? The answer to these questions can be understood in looking at the history of religion.
Religious thought has been part of humanity since the beginning. There have been many amazing archaelogical finds deep inside cave systems which gives us an insight of religion in ancient times. Vivid paintings can be found, dating back to the Palaeolithic era (50,000 to 10,000 BC). They show scenes of animals such as deer and bison, many of them riddled with arrows and lances of hunters. These paintings are very deep in the caves, and the distances from the cave entrances are up to several hundred metres. What was the point of having these paintings so deep inside the caves? It is clear that these paintings were not for others’ viewing pleasure, as they would not have been painted so far in the caves. Most experts view these pictures as ritualistic or magical. Religious ceremonies were probably held before the hunters left their caves and families to seek for food. These hunters were definitely more than just a bunch of savages fighting for survival.
Even further back in history, there is evidence of prehistoric human communities that took care of their dead. They used a certain substace in burials that Australian aboriginals today believe to represent blood and life. Could this mean that these prehistoric people believed in a life beyond death? Some skeletons that were found from this era appear to be buried in a similar position that a baby in the womb would take. Could this suggest the idea of a new birth after death? The truth behind all these rituals will never be discovered, but it is very clear that even in such ancient times, these humans had a spiritual dimension in their lives.
People began to organize themselves into cities. Agriculture provided food, and cities began to grow. Survival was no longer a great concern, and therefore the people spent time to develop ideas about the spiritual dimension. Writing and language was also developed, and it allowed ideas to be passed around more readily than before. The newly organized religions then began to produce their own scriptures. The Middle East, India and China were the three areas where the great world religions began. In Israel, the Hebrew prophets preached the ideas of Judaism, of which Islam and Christianity would develop in the future. In India, Hinduism was growing, and the Upanishads, the Hindu scriptures, were written. In China and other parts of South-east Asia, Gautama Buddha founded Buddhism, which was based on Hindu beliefs. No longer just a band of hunters, the civilized people not only did not abandon their spiritual side, but their ideas about spirituality grew and blossomed. The majority of humanity sensed that there is more to life than what meets the eye.
The times seem different in the 21st century. People are beginning to turn away from spiritual convictions, or just not bothering anymore. Agnosticism and secularism make the list of the world religions. Because of technological advances, many scientific discoveries have led people to become more and more uncertain about any spiritual dimension. But no matter what, these organizations of anti-spirituality cannot fully escape the thoughts of religion. The teachings of Marxism may not be as religionless as they think. Ninian Smart writes “God may have been absent from Marx’s view of the world, but there was something about his teaching that appealed to springs of human hope.” Just like how Christians looked forward to the coming of the kingdom of God, Marxists also await the time when communism will be implemented universally. And when it comes to dealing with critical moments in life, such as marriage, birth and death, it is impossible not to think of spiritual ideas. Anti-spirituality has started off with a shaky foundation.
So which one is it? Spirituality or no spirituality? Still, the answer cannot be written in black and white. But the history as been laid out, and what remains is your own judgment. The search for spirituality is no overnight stay, but it is a long journey in consideration of all the options. May these words be the beginning of your spiritual journey.
-Victor Lau
Based on the article “The Spiritual Dimension” by Gavin Reid
Sunday, April 10, 2005
part 2
I watched as the little boy plopped onto a nearby sofa chair. Happily, he opened his Spiderman comic, and immediately appeared focused into it. It felt like everything went quiet, watching the boy read his comic. The silence was serene, and at the same comfortable. I smiled at that.
I watched for a while, until the silence started to tingle my skin. From my pocket I took out my Ipod, and put the white earphones into my ears. The music covered the silence as the first song played. It started with no instruments, surprisingly Chinese. Soothing, calm and peaceful. The next song was "On Fire", by Switchfoot, and then "Can I stay here Forever" by Starfield. The song drew to a close.
Then I opened my eyes, and realized where I was, and that I actually drifted off to sleep. I rubbed my eyes, and looked up to the little boy. For some reason, the next song reminded me so much of him. It was only a few lines...
"To see the Lord, the promised Land. Wherein all sins, pearly gates look bland. And what was once a pearl, now sand. That blows away.. that blows away, in light of Him."
The little boy's innocence made my own mistakes clear.
I looked to the end of store, and I saw a bunch of people there. Some of them had faces that looked very familiar, but most of them were people that I have never seen before. The little boy looked as well, but to my surprise he also closed his comic book and got up. He started to walk to this group of people, with his little steps. I heard his funny clothes rustle as he walked, as if the bookstore became silent for him. He joined this group of people, and they walked off. It was a shock that such a small child would join such a large group of people that he didn't know. I decided to follow them, for the sake of the child. But there were familiar faces! I knew some of these people! Why would they take such a small child and lead him to a place he does not know? Maybe I am doubting them. Either way, I felt insecure. Every moment that passed made me think that I was very much like the boy. The four songs tingled in my head.
Now I felt annoyance that the boy left with a bunch of strangers. Sighing in displeasure, I followed him to make sure he would be safe.
(that made no sense.. what's up with that? who IS this boy?!)
I watched for a while, until the silence started to tingle my skin. From my pocket I took out my Ipod, and put the white earphones into my ears. The music covered the silence as the first song played. It started with no instruments, surprisingly Chinese. Soothing, calm and peaceful. The next song was "On Fire", by Switchfoot, and then "Can I stay here Forever" by Starfield. The song drew to a close.
Then I opened my eyes, and realized where I was, and that I actually drifted off to sleep. I rubbed my eyes, and looked up to the little boy. For some reason, the next song reminded me so much of him. It was only a few lines...
"To see the Lord, the promised Land. Wherein all sins, pearly gates look bland. And what was once a pearl, now sand. That blows away.. that blows away, in light of Him."
The little boy's innocence made my own mistakes clear.
I looked to the end of store, and I saw a bunch of people there. Some of them had faces that looked very familiar, but most of them were people that I have never seen before. The little boy looked as well, but to my surprise he also closed his comic book and got up. He started to walk to this group of people, with his little steps. I heard his funny clothes rustle as he walked, as if the bookstore became silent for him. He joined this group of people, and they walked off. It was a shock that such a small child would join such a large group of people that he didn't know. I decided to follow them, for the sake of the child. But there were familiar faces! I knew some of these people! Why would they take such a small child and lead him to a place he does not know? Maybe I am doubting them. Either way, I felt insecure. Every moment that passed made me think that I was very much like the boy. The four songs tingled in my head.
Now I felt annoyance that the boy left with a bunch of strangers. Sighing in displeasure, I followed him to make sure he would be safe.
(that made no sense.. what's up with that? who IS this boy?!)
Monday, April 04, 2005
there and back again
i had quite the weekend at waterloo. i learned a couple of things as well. here is how the weekend went..
i was driven to york mills subway station by my aunt. being employed by the city of toronto as a junior inspector, i've become quite the quick driver. my aunt's driving was like turtle. after what seemed to be hours.. i got to the station (less 10 than minutes away from home). i had to wait for the bus to get there. but in meantime i started thinking of something smart to say to clara when i see her! she said that she was taking that fedbus, and we'd see each other. it was so exciting. the bus came.. and one by one, students got off the bus, and i watched each one.. until the last person got off. no clara! what the heck?! what about my witty comment?
being in charge of measuring all the small streets of scarborough with a trundle wheel, walking is becoming more and more of a chore, and being in waterloo, the chore was still present. having decided to sleep at richard's place, i decided to find a phone. mikeys was a good idea. the chances of my running to anyone are close to zero. when i got there, i didn't have to open the door to have seen kat and family, joanna and herman eating dinner. surpise #3 now? totally unprepared for that, i went in and tried my best to converse with them, still in shock of the surprise.
tip #1: think. but think quickly. it is difficult to expect the unexpected, but smarter to be prepared for anything. don't just stand there, stupy!
afterwards we headed to ccf. it was good to see familiar faces, as well as somewhat familiar faces. i left after worship to grab some timmys. laura and joanna later came to find me to tell me ccf changed rooms.. how nice of them. jo went back to rez, so me and laura went back to ccf together. wee were late, so ppl looked at us funny when we went in. the sharing was.. interesting. it was unfortunate that i didn't know most of the ppl in ccf, especially the upper years, but a couple of things that i thought were important were.. trial by fire, the importance of the Holy Spirit, and the importance of serving.
ccf ended, and i was convinced to go to hockey (not convinced enough to play). my backpack (with all my stuff) immediately became goal post #1; luckily my sleeping bag was free. that night was friggin cold as death. i gave jacqueline my gloves. the rest of the night consisted of huddling for warmth in an american car, emzhei's all day booger, lorna is very VERY loud, and annato, who threatened me, took funny pictures of me, and wanted me to go skipping like jasmine, laura, emzhei and herself did. annato is cool haha. the night ended at 2ish, where i headed off to derek and jon's place.
tip #2: when getting people's phone numbers, make sure they are accurate before you use them. otherwise you will not have the home you planned on having.
derek and jon's place.. they are nice ppl. frozen bananas with nutella was good.. but the BEST thing at their place was.. sleeping on jon's bed, and in turn derek and jon sleeping in the same bed together mwahahahhaa! that was quite the funny. the next morning's highlight with them was.. ninja turtles with derek haha. eventually they both had to leave, and i went to find the rev girls for lunch. holy mother that was like a half an hour walk to rev.
eating with the girls was cool, but quite soon everyone's attention was diverted to heath ledger in "a knight's tale" and his "hotness". back upstairs, a girl on the floor asked to open a glued-up bottle of super glue, and i managed to open it, but said the wrong thing after she said "you're amazing!".
tip #3: never use lines from popular sitcoms in real life.
soon after, i became a victim of chick flick. gahh.. sleepless in seattle. but it took us (me) like half an hour to get the vcr working, and that was very disappointing indeed. the kid was apparently cute, tom hanks was apparently attractive to hundreds of women across the states, hearts can be apparently lit on the empire state building, romances can be apparently started via letters, listening to the radio and sheer luck. and apparently some CRAZY lady actually flew to the empire state building to meet some guy she didn't know to get married to him.
ehh.. i loved the movie, girls, it was great. ANYWAY after that we started planning for dinner, which was at golden mango (aka pho), of which kat emzhei jasmine joanna and myself showed up to.
tip #4: just do it. you have the power. you don't have to put the burden on others.
soon enough, i conjured the idea of labelled napkins, and now we all have a napkin with our name, chinese name, favourite colour, and favourite place to be on it! herman joined after. after the dinner.. we had to go to waterloo towers for herman to shower, and then we headed over to rev. at rev.. me herman and joanna went to play pool for a bit.. then we were going to play monopoly, but rev office was closed.. so we ended up playing cards.. big2 and "slap the pile when the number is called" game. we played till we were about dead.. and waited for kat and emzhei to get back from studying. then i jumped into some chick's bed and slept.
sunday started off with washing up in a girl's washroom (forgetting to put the seat down) and changing in the hall of an all girls' floor. after service was lunch with rich and elliot, the scbc boys. kat laura and sarah later joined us, and the lunch became.. interesting (see tip #5 at end)
waterloo towers with herman came nextand finally the long overdue heart to heart talk with herman, while upper years walked in and out clearing furniture. scripture based action, and becoming a more open person. we were there for maybe 1.5 hours before we went to find clara. then i yelled at her for not being on the fedbus.. and herman slept on her bed. we went to slc together, becuz ppl were studying, and clara desperately needs to study. i went to rev myself to get my stuff back in preparation to leave, and said bye to jasmine. surprisingly i saw that chris was back, and i talked with her for a bit. i think she passed her exam. going back to slc, i proceeded downstairs to tim hortons for my last supper, of which i ran into jacqueline. eventually i realized that i had left my shiny aero hoodie back at rev.. and now joanna is its guardian for the month. i said my goodbyes and left the slc, wanting to look back, but not.
halfway down the stairs, i realized that i forgot my donut...
tip #6: think. acting on impulse doesn't work very well. acting on emotion doesn't work well either. messing up smooth exits because of a donut.. could have been prevented.
tip #5: never forget the big picture. setting your focus on certain things will cause you to disregard everything else.
and that is that. there and back again. back to toronto, back to the family, back to pointless hours of work, back to loneliness.
was a weekend of happiness and heartache...
i was driven to york mills subway station by my aunt. being employed by the city of toronto as a junior inspector, i've become quite the quick driver. my aunt's driving was like turtle. after what seemed to be hours.. i got to the station (less 10 than minutes away from home). i had to wait for the bus to get there. but in meantime i started thinking of something smart to say to clara when i see her! she said that she was taking that fedbus, and we'd see each other. it was so exciting. the bus came.. and one by one, students got off the bus, and i watched each one.. until the last person got off. no clara! what the heck?! what about my witty comment?
being in charge of measuring all the small streets of scarborough with a trundle wheel, walking is becoming more and more of a chore, and being in waterloo, the chore was still present. having decided to sleep at richard's place, i decided to find a phone. mikeys was a good idea. the chances of my running to anyone are close to zero. when i got there, i didn't have to open the door to have seen kat and family, joanna and herman eating dinner. surpise #3 now? totally unprepared for that, i went in and tried my best to converse with them, still in shock of the surprise.
tip #1: think. but think quickly. it is difficult to expect the unexpected, but smarter to be prepared for anything. don't just stand there, stupy!
afterwards we headed to ccf. it was good to see familiar faces, as well as somewhat familiar faces. i left after worship to grab some timmys. laura and joanna later came to find me to tell me ccf changed rooms.. how nice of them. jo went back to rez, so me and laura went back to ccf together. wee were late, so ppl looked at us funny when we went in. the sharing was.. interesting. it was unfortunate that i didn't know most of the ppl in ccf, especially the upper years, but a couple of things that i thought were important were.. trial by fire, the importance of the Holy Spirit, and the importance of serving.
ccf ended, and i was convinced to go to hockey (not convinced enough to play). my backpack (with all my stuff) immediately became goal post #1; luckily my sleeping bag was free. that night was friggin cold as death. i gave jacqueline my gloves. the rest of the night consisted of huddling for warmth in an american car, emzhei's all day booger, lorna is very VERY loud, and annato, who threatened me, took funny pictures of me, and wanted me to go skipping like jasmine, laura, emzhei and herself did. annato is cool haha. the night ended at 2ish, where i headed off to derek and jon's place.
tip #2: when getting people's phone numbers, make sure they are accurate before you use them. otherwise you will not have the home you planned on having.
derek and jon's place.. they are nice ppl. frozen bananas with nutella was good.. but the BEST thing at their place was.. sleeping on jon's bed, and in turn derek and jon sleeping in the same bed together mwahahahhaa! that was quite the funny. the next morning's highlight with them was.. ninja turtles with derek haha. eventually they both had to leave, and i went to find the rev girls for lunch. holy mother that was like a half an hour walk to rev.
eating with the girls was cool, but quite soon everyone's attention was diverted to heath ledger in "a knight's tale" and his "hotness". back upstairs, a girl on the floor asked to open a glued-up bottle of super glue, and i managed to open it, but said the wrong thing after she said "you're amazing!".
tip #3: never use lines from popular sitcoms in real life.
soon after, i became a victim of chick flick. gahh.. sleepless in seattle. but it took us (me) like half an hour to get the vcr working, and that was very disappointing indeed. the kid was apparently cute, tom hanks was apparently attractive to hundreds of women across the states, hearts can be apparently lit on the empire state building, romances can be apparently started via letters, listening to the radio and sheer luck. and apparently some CRAZY lady actually flew to the empire state building to meet some guy she didn't know to get married to him.
ehh.. i loved the movie, girls, it was great. ANYWAY after that we started planning for dinner, which was at golden mango (aka pho), of which kat emzhei jasmine joanna and myself showed up to.
tip #4: just do it. you have the power. you don't have to put the burden on others.
soon enough, i conjured the idea of labelled napkins, and now we all have a napkin with our name, chinese name, favourite colour, and favourite place to be on it! herman joined after. after the dinner.. we had to go to waterloo towers for herman to shower, and then we headed over to rev. at rev.. me herman and joanna went to play pool for a bit.. then we were going to play monopoly, but rev office was closed.. so we ended up playing cards.. big2 and "slap the pile when the number is called" game. we played till we were about dead.. and waited for kat and emzhei to get back from studying. then i jumped into some chick's bed and slept.
sunday started off with washing up in a girl's washroom (forgetting to put the seat down) and changing in the hall of an all girls' floor. after service was lunch with rich and elliot, the scbc boys. kat laura and sarah later joined us, and the lunch became.. interesting (see tip #5 at end)
waterloo towers with herman came nextand finally the long overdue heart to heart talk with herman, while upper years walked in and out clearing furniture. scripture based action, and becoming a more open person. we were there for maybe 1.5 hours before we went to find clara. then i yelled at her for not being on the fedbus.. and herman slept on her bed. we went to slc together, becuz ppl were studying, and clara desperately needs to study. i went to rev myself to get my stuff back in preparation to leave, and said bye to jasmine. surprisingly i saw that chris was back, and i talked with her for a bit. i think she passed her exam. going back to slc, i proceeded downstairs to tim hortons for my last supper, of which i ran into jacqueline. eventually i realized that i had left my shiny aero hoodie back at rev.. and now joanna is its guardian for the month. i said my goodbyes and left the slc, wanting to look back, but not.
halfway down the stairs, i realized that i forgot my donut...
tip #6: think. acting on impulse doesn't work very well. acting on emotion doesn't work well either. messing up smooth exits because of a donut.. could have been prevented.
tip #5: never forget the big picture. setting your focus on certain things will cause you to disregard everything else.
and that is that. there and back again. back to toronto, back to the family, back to pointless hours of work, back to loneliness.
was a weekend of happiness and heartache...
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