in the weight of my own responsibility, the sight of the complete impossibility, the viselike crush of the hands of time,
only the imaginary music of comfort layers under the deafening silence of night, and my loneliness brings me deeper inside me.
oh, that a miracle would defeat these words.
and this heart of loneliness.
Wednesday, April 01, 2009
Tuesday, March 03, 2009
25 not so random things about victor
I choose to do this not because I got tagged and I feel swayed to follow the trend. I couldn't care less about the trend and the pressure of everyone else doing it. But these may be things that I would want the people that I am closer with to know about me. This also functions as a reflective exercise for me and will be posted on my blog. I'm not going to be writing random stuff like everyone else is, but I am writing things that I find meaningful and would find useful for you to know.
1. I grew up going to church since kindergarten and still do so despite some of my family not being Christian. As such, Christianity and Jesus has become a crucial part of my identity, though there are countless downfalls that I have that may not reflect that.
2. If there is only one thing that I can do properly in my entire life, I know that I can sing. My singing skill has fluctuated over the years and I can't sing as well as I used to, but with some work I could maybe restore that. I think that this is God's gift to me that I can express myself like this.
3. I have become a person that values functionality over aesthetics. If something just simply looks good, then it's not good enough if it doesn't work. Everything must perform its function with over 90% efficiency and accuracy. This may or may not have to do with me going through engineering.
4. I am a pure romantic. I care excessively and emotionally for a lot of friends. Most of the time I find that I can only do as much as make the person feel supported emotionally, mentally, and sometimes physically (hunger, tiredness.. that kinda thing), and what I can do is nowhere close to what the person deserves. Oh, the pain of my inability :(.
5. I trust many people would have something to say about my careless and narcissistic nature. This has been a recently acquired trait. I can only attribute it to, at one point of my life, potentially in the past few years, not feeling that my opinion and identity mattered, as well as the pride in how good a person I thought I was. It is not a full-of-myself kind of pride, but a recognition that I was good at certain things and have achieved a certain status based on my life experiences. At this point, I believe that I can both be jokingly narcissistic and emotionally caring to the people around me. If you don't believe this and have comments or opinions about this, please talk to me.
6. When I was growing up, I evaluated that the cool people were cool because they were funny and they said things that people laughed at it. So I strived for that, and I think I succeeded now. There are two disadvantages though. Firstly, you will have a habit of making light of almost everything. Secondly, everyone would think that you are always happy, even if you actually aren't. This may cycle due to the fact that no one would ever wonder if you are truly doing okay or not.
7. As previously written before, I believe that to enjoy the time with a friend is not about what you do, but just the time with the friend. If you are focused on the doing, then you are not doing it right. My mom had taught us the same when she played cards with us when we were kids.
8. For the past while, my own thoughts have been contained within me. I cannot say what I think because bad things will happen, or people can't take it. I am continually reminded by the remark I made when I was on retreat in Montreal and my pastor said it was an admirable quality to be completely honest about wanting things to go exactly the way I want. I suppose most people hide behind other things to compromise. One day I will blow up. I compromise so much, I am getting tired of it.
9. As I will write about in the near future, I believe that the problems of the human nature are problems of the heart. Dealing with the problems of the heart with legalistic measures are completely useless and pointless. The flesh will find a way to get around your legalistic methods. It starts with the heart. Most sermons about sin should tell you that.
10. I value wisdom and intelligence very highly in life. This is one of the reasons why I do read a lot. The more exposure to ideas and thoughts, the more capable you are of applying knowledge. Conversely, incompetence and stupidity is a very big turn off for me. I understand that it is natural for people to make mistakes, and I know I need to be more understanding. Of course when I am doing something stupidly or incompetently, I get very angry and disappointed at myself (ie school).
11. I think that I read a lot, and have done so over the years. I have been aiming to create my own library. Unfortunately, reading has become more just a thing to do other than absorbing and applying the knowledge well. I also am more ready to buy a book and start a book than finishing a book.
12. The English language is one of the greatest things I have learned in my life: its flexibility and its rigidity, its beauty and descriptive power, and its creative space. I don't believe that it should be abused (words not used by their proper definitions). I have strived to write English with more and more beauty and power, but I have a lot to learn.
13. Video games, tv, and such similar entertainment is a double-edged sword. There is nothing wrong in their entertainment value (unless you are being entertained by something that you shouldn't be entertained with), but exposed entertainment conditions you to hunger constantly for such entertainment. It can easily go out of control and even the hunger for it can dominate your life, let alone the actual entertainment itself. This is why our parents restricted our tv/video game times to a certain amount of time when we were kids: delayed gratification.
14. Similar to 13, music is also a double-edged sword. I have heard people say statements like "music is my life" or "music on, world off", and I can see why. I too love and appreciate music and listen to a lot of it. But music has such a direct link to our emotional being that listening to the wrong kind of music (or the a kind of music excessively) could manipulate our emotions improperly. Very strong control over your emotions may be needed to get over this. Then music becomes something to be enjoyed, and something to be used to express yourself.
15. I have grown to love eating food. I will eat almost anything nowadays, with one exception. I do not and will not eat Japanese food. People have tried forcing me to and have failed. I recently had Japanese food in Vancouver just because I was in Vancouver, and will not again. Let this dismiss any hopes of you trying to get me to eat any more Japanese food. I will make some compromises if I MUST.
16. One of the things I want to become good at is cooking. Over the past 5 years of university, I can say that I am able to make some good food, but I still have a lot to learn. Food brings people together, and can make your girlfriend/wife really happy. I want to make people and girlfriend and wife happy. Also, I like to eat food. If I can make good food, then everyone will be happy.
17. The triumph of good over evil is one of the favourite things in my life. This explains my love for adrenaline rushing movies of intense fighting, epic (a word now becoming way overused :@) battles of armies, and of course, Lord of the Rings and the Tolkien world, and even more of course, the Bible. Good will always triumph over evil.
18. I believe that credit must be given to those that deserve it. If someone does a good job at something, then they deserve to be acknowledged and appreciated. It is an injustice for someone to do a good job at something and not be appreciated for it in a way that the person can feel appreciated. It is also an injustice for the friend that does much for someone but not get anything back in return, and I hate being the butt end of that (I have been many times)
19. I believe that men should live according to the biblical role of a man. Men are to be the provider of the family and the lover and supporter of their wife. Men should dedicate their lives in working for the purpose of providing for their wife and family. They must protect them and keep them safe. And really, it doesn't have to be in the Bible for you guys to know that. Whenever I get too lazy to do work, I need to remind myself of this.
20. The family unit is the most vital part of any person's life. The condition of a family unit can make or break the quality and character of a person and their life. I do not think that the condition of my family is very good, and if it were better, I may be a much better person than I am now. Being the youngest in the family, I have always felt powerless to do anything to "fix" my family, but by God's grace, I hope that He can change that.
21. I do not have a career path yet. With an engineering degree, it is likely that I would try to find an engineering job, and am doing so now, but I do not believe that engineering is my passion. In fact, I think engineering is boring. Any of the interests that I've already mentioned may be a suitable career path, but something that I have not mentioned yet is teaching. I think I am a good tutor, and I care about people in a way that value their acquiring of knowledge. This would be the next likely occupation that has stability.
22. I wished that I could be closer friends with a lot more people. Unfortunately that probably will not happen.
23. I talk to a lot of people via instant messaging. I recently counted that I consistently talked to 16 people, and the number of girls is only slightly higher than the number of guys. I started instant messaging in Grade 7, and almost haven't stopped, except for various short hiatus. I don't think I am addicted, but definitely am conditioned to chatting, at the least. I think I really like talking to my friends, but I seem to be able to do a better job online than in real life. I wish it wasn't that way. It makes me sound like a social recluse.
24. We all need to say how we feel about ourselves and of the people around you more often. This is so that we could encourage them and let them know that they are appreciated, or they need to change something in their lives. I wrote an honest email to a number of friends just to tell them that I had a good weekend and enjoyed the time with them and that I appreciated them, and I had a very good response. Its frankness was a shock to many, almost as if I was writing them my suicide letter (that was funny haha). At this moment, I feel that I have emptied a lot of myself in writing all of this, and some of the frankness in writing this may shock people.
25. I am waiting for the second most beautiful and wonderful and life changing thing to happen. I can't wait to meet the girl that I will be with for the rest of my life, and will love and cherish her with my entire being. I probably don't know what to do at all, but I hope I can be the man can give her all that she deserves.
1. I grew up going to church since kindergarten and still do so despite some of my family not being Christian. As such, Christianity and Jesus has become a crucial part of my identity, though there are countless downfalls that I have that may not reflect that.
2. If there is only one thing that I can do properly in my entire life, I know that I can sing. My singing skill has fluctuated over the years and I can't sing as well as I used to, but with some work I could maybe restore that. I think that this is God's gift to me that I can express myself like this.
3. I have become a person that values functionality over aesthetics. If something just simply looks good, then it's not good enough if it doesn't work. Everything must perform its function with over 90% efficiency and accuracy. This may or may not have to do with me going through engineering.
4. I am a pure romantic. I care excessively and emotionally for a lot of friends. Most of the time I find that I can only do as much as make the person feel supported emotionally, mentally, and sometimes physically (hunger, tiredness.. that kinda thing), and what I can do is nowhere close to what the person deserves. Oh, the pain of my inability :(.
5. I trust many people would have something to say about my careless and narcissistic nature. This has been a recently acquired trait. I can only attribute it to, at one point of my life, potentially in the past few years, not feeling that my opinion and identity mattered, as well as the pride in how good a person I thought I was. It is not a full-of-myself kind of pride, but a recognition that I was good at certain things and have achieved a certain status based on my life experiences. At this point, I believe that I can both be jokingly narcissistic and emotionally caring to the people around me. If you don't believe this and have comments or opinions about this, please talk to me.
6. When I was growing up, I evaluated that the cool people were cool because they were funny and they said things that people laughed at it. So I strived for that, and I think I succeeded now. There are two disadvantages though. Firstly, you will have a habit of making light of almost everything. Secondly, everyone would think that you are always happy, even if you actually aren't. This may cycle due to the fact that no one would ever wonder if you are truly doing okay or not.
7. As previously written before, I believe that to enjoy the time with a friend is not about what you do, but just the time with the friend. If you are focused on the doing, then you are not doing it right. My mom had taught us the same when she played cards with us when we were kids.
8. For the past while, my own thoughts have been contained within me. I cannot say what I think because bad things will happen, or people can't take it. I am continually reminded by the remark I made when I was on retreat in Montreal and my pastor said it was an admirable quality to be completely honest about wanting things to go exactly the way I want. I suppose most people hide behind other things to compromise. One day I will blow up. I compromise so much, I am getting tired of it.
9. As I will write about in the near future, I believe that the problems of the human nature are problems of the heart. Dealing with the problems of the heart with legalistic measures are completely useless and pointless. The flesh will find a way to get around your legalistic methods. It starts with the heart. Most sermons about sin should tell you that.
10. I value wisdom and intelligence very highly in life. This is one of the reasons why I do read a lot. The more exposure to ideas and thoughts, the more capable you are of applying knowledge. Conversely, incompetence and stupidity is a very big turn off for me. I understand that it is natural for people to make mistakes, and I know I need to be more understanding. Of course when I am doing something stupidly or incompetently, I get very angry and disappointed at myself (ie school).
11. I think that I read a lot, and have done so over the years. I have been aiming to create my own library. Unfortunately, reading has become more just a thing to do other than absorbing and applying the knowledge well. I also am more ready to buy a book and start a book than finishing a book.
12. The English language is one of the greatest things I have learned in my life: its flexibility and its rigidity, its beauty and descriptive power, and its creative space. I don't believe that it should be abused (words not used by their proper definitions). I have strived to write English with more and more beauty and power, but I have a lot to learn.
13. Video games, tv, and such similar entertainment is a double-edged sword. There is nothing wrong in their entertainment value (unless you are being entertained by something that you shouldn't be entertained with), but exposed entertainment conditions you to hunger constantly for such entertainment. It can easily go out of control and even the hunger for it can dominate your life, let alone the actual entertainment itself. This is why our parents restricted our tv/video game times to a certain amount of time when we were kids: delayed gratification.
14. Similar to 13, music is also a double-edged sword. I have heard people say statements like "music is my life" or "music on, world off", and I can see why. I too love and appreciate music and listen to a lot of it. But music has such a direct link to our emotional being that listening to the wrong kind of music (or the a kind of music excessively) could manipulate our emotions improperly. Very strong control over your emotions may be needed to get over this. Then music becomes something to be enjoyed, and something to be used to express yourself.
15. I have grown to love eating food. I will eat almost anything nowadays, with one exception. I do not and will not eat Japanese food. People have tried forcing me to and have failed. I recently had Japanese food in Vancouver just because I was in Vancouver, and will not again. Let this dismiss any hopes of you trying to get me to eat any more Japanese food. I will make some compromises if I MUST.
16. One of the things I want to become good at is cooking. Over the past 5 years of university, I can say that I am able to make some good food, but I still have a lot to learn. Food brings people together, and can make your girlfriend/wife really happy. I want to make people and girlfriend and wife happy. Also, I like to eat food. If I can make good food, then everyone will be happy.
17. The triumph of good over evil is one of the favourite things in my life. This explains my love for adrenaline rushing movies of intense fighting, epic (a word now becoming way overused :@) battles of armies, and of course, Lord of the Rings and the Tolkien world, and even more of course, the Bible. Good will always triumph over evil.
18. I believe that credit must be given to those that deserve it. If someone does a good job at something, then they deserve to be acknowledged and appreciated. It is an injustice for someone to do a good job at something and not be appreciated for it in a way that the person can feel appreciated. It is also an injustice for the friend that does much for someone but not get anything back in return, and I hate being the butt end of that (I have been many times)
19. I believe that men should live according to the biblical role of a man. Men are to be the provider of the family and the lover and supporter of their wife. Men should dedicate their lives in working for the purpose of providing for their wife and family. They must protect them and keep them safe. And really, it doesn't have to be in the Bible for you guys to know that. Whenever I get too lazy to do work, I need to remind myself of this.
20. The family unit is the most vital part of any person's life. The condition of a family unit can make or break the quality and character of a person and their life. I do not think that the condition of my family is very good, and if it were better, I may be a much better person than I am now. Being the youngest in the family, I have always felt powerless to do anything to "fix" my family, but by God's grace, I hope that He can change that.
21. I do not have a career path yet. With an engineering degree, it is likely that I would try to find an engineering job, and am doing so now, but I do not believe that engineering is my passion. In fact, I think engineering is boring. Any of the interests that I've already mentioned may be a suitable career path, but something that I have not mentioned yet is teaching. I think I am a good tutor, and I care about people in a way that value their acquiring of knowledge. This would be the next likely occupation that has stability.
22. I wished that I could be closer friends with a lot more people. Unfortunately that probably will not happen.
23. I talk to a lot of people via instant messaging. I recently counted that I consistently talked to 16 people, and the number of girls is only slightly higher than the number of guys. I started instant messaging in Grade 7, and almost haven't stopped, except for various short hiatus. I don't think I am addicted, but definitely am conditioned to chatting, at the least. I think I really like talking to my friends, but I seem to be able to do a better job online than in real life. I wish it wasn't that way. It makes me sound like a social recluse.
24. We all need to say how we feel about ourselves and of the people around you more often. This is so that we could encourage them and let them know that they are appreciated, or they need to change something in their lives. I wrote an honest email to a number of friends just to tell them that I had a good weekend and enjoyed the time with them and that I appreciated them, and I had a very good response. Its frankness was a shock to many, almost as if I was writing them my suicide letter (that was funny haha). At this moment, I feel that I have emptied a lot of myself in writing all of this, and some of the frankness in writing this may shock people.
25. I am waiting for the second most beautiful and wonderful and life changing thing to happen. I can't wait to meet the girl that I will be with for the rest of my life, and will love and cherish her with my entire being. I probably don't know what to do at all, but I hope I can be the man can give her all that she deserves.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
is there someone that you want to spend time with?
go ahead and tell them that, and go do it.
don't let activities get in the way of enjoying the person's presence, only let the activity be the channel to get to the person.
if true enjoyment was about DOING, then we'd be able to be saved by works. true friendship is relationship.
go ahead and tell them that, and go do it.
don't let activities get in the way of enjoying the person's presence, only let the activity be the channel to get to the person.
if true enjoyment was about DOING, then we'd be able to be saved by works. true friendship is relationship.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
finding that blogging has been more about reporting recent events than the artistic writing and expression of thought. this has been due to the recent events that have occurred that have rendered me unavailable to write, but also unavailable to think and express. but i'll tell you the recent events and hopefully you will understand. i do not want to compromise this blog with writing just simply "writing about my day".
there was already something to write about having come back from winter retreat (last one). aside from the tackling and throwing a certain someone in the snow, the retreat was truly a memorable one for me because i saw the fellowship kneel before God in its brokenness and cry for healing. during the weekend, i had been overwhelmed by my own desires and distractions, but finally, at that moment, i cried to God to break me free from them, and soon enough, in my heart and mind i realized my selfishness, and i was shown what my heart should have been breaking for. i knelt down and prayed for my family, for their brokenness, their pain and the lack of love. with all the things that have happened between my writing now and retreat, i wish i continued to keep with this.
of course, what happened directly after retreat caught me completely by surprise. feeling more tired than usual in the morning, i slept in for class despite sleeping early the night before. when i woke up later in the day and went to my afternoon class, i felt awful. i came home, going in and out of bed, and eventually and suddenly puked my guts out. i had not experienced this for something like 10-15 years, and i was shocked. soon enough, i declared myself sick with the stomach flu. i must say that of all common illnesses, stomach flu is among the worst. i eventually acquired some more symptoms, and became bedridden for most of the week. i was sick till around thursday and felt close to 100% on friday.
and of course, stomach flu was more than enough for me to become unable to work and think, so i decided to postpone my econ 102 midterm to the week after. i also asked for an extension for my first upcoming deliverable. the week after my being sick was midterm week and reading week followed that, i could only postpone so many things. then, on the thursday while i was still sleeping a lot, i received a call. it was a girl from HR requesting an interview. i had a choice between going into toronto for the interview on tuesday or on friday. remembering that i had a midterm on friday, tuesday was the better choice. so this is what my schedule was for the week february 9-13:
mon feb 9: requests extension for SYDE 542 assignment in class. heads to toronto in preparation for interview.
tues feb 10: bombardier interview at 3:30pm. returns to waterloo directly in preparation for the upcoming work.
wed feb 11:
-ME 452 HVAC Lab due before 4pm (15% of final mark, a three person lab but i did 2 of the 3 parts of the lab)
-SYDE 542 Interface Design Storyboard due before 11:59pm (20% of final mark)
-ECON 102 Midterm at 2:30pm, and creation of cheat sheet(in my foresight, studied 80% of material on sat feb 7)
thurs feb 12: MSCI 432 Midterm at 8:30am, and creation of cheat sheet (knows zero course material at that moment)
fri feb 13: ME 452 Midterm at 9:00pm, and creation of cheat sheet (knows zero course material at that moment)
Approx Hours of Sleep during sickness week Feb 2-6: ~66 hours in 5 days 4 nights
Approx Hours of Sleep during midterm week Feb 9-13: ~25 hours in 5 days 4 nights
after this week was over, i must say that i feel pretty satisfied with my performance in all of these things. i've gotten results to one or two of these things, but will see the rest in the upcoming weeks.
on the saturday following midterm week, me herman bily and heng are now in vancouver having the first vacation almost ever. won't say too much about that for now because the stories will come when we return. but i think i am having some trouble because i don't have experience with enjoying.
tonight, my mind is asking to work again. i'm trying to listen to it.
there was already something to write about having come back from winter retreat (last one). aside from the tackling and throwing a certain someone in the snow, the retreat was truly a memorable one for me because i saw the fellowship kneel before God in its brokenness and cry for healing. during the weekend, i had been overwhelmed by my own desires and distractions, but finally, at that moment, i cried to God to break me free from them, and soon enough, in my heart and mind i realized my selfishness, and i was shown what my heart should have been breaking for. i knelt down and prayed for my family, for their brokenness, their pain and the lack of love. with all the things that have happened between my writing now and retreat, i wish i continued to keep with this.
of course, what happened directly after retreat caught me completely by surprise. feeling more tired than usual in the morning, i slept in for class despite sleeping early the night before. when i woke up later in the day and went to my afternoon class, i felt awful. i came home, going in and out of bed, and eventually and suddenly puked my guts out. i had not experienced this for something like 10-15 years, and i was shocked. soon enough, i declared myself sick with the stomach flu. i must say that of all common illnesses, stomach flu is among the worst. i eventually acquired some more symptoms, and became bedridden for most of the week. i was sick till around thursday and felt close to 100% on friday.
and of course, stomach flu was more than enough for me to become unable to work and think, so i decided to postpone my econ 102 midterm to the week after. i also asked for an extension for my first upcoming deliverable. the week after my being sick was midterm week and reading week followed that, i could only postpone so many things. then, on the thursday while i was still sleeping a lot, i received a call. it was a girl from HR requesting an interview. i had a choice between going into toronto for the interview on tuesday or on friday. remembering that i had a midterm on friday, tuesday was the better choice. so this is what my schedule was for the week february 9-13:
mon feb 9: requests extension for SYDE 542 assignment in class. heads to toronto in preparation for interview.
tues feb 10: bombardier interview at 3:30pm. returns to waterloo directly in preparation for the upcoming work.
wed feb 11:
-ME 452 HVAC Lab due before 4pm (15% of final mark, a three person lab but i did 2 of the 3 parts of the lab)
-SYDE 542 Interface Design Storyboard due before 11:59pm (20% of final mark)
-ECON 102 Midterm at 2:30pm, and creation of cheat sheet(in my foresight, studied 80% of material on sat feb 7)
thurs feb 12: MSCI 432 Midterm at 8:30am, and creation of cheat sheet (knows zero course material at that moment)
fri feb 13: ME 452 Midterm at 9:00pm, and creation of cheat sheet (knows zero course material at that moment)
Approx Hours of Sleep during sickness week Feb 2-6: ~66 hours in 5 days 4 nights
Approx Hours of Sleep during midterm week Feb 9-13: ~25 hours in 5 days 4 nights
after this week was over, i must say that i feel pretty satisfied with my performance in all of these things. i've gotten results to one or two of these things, but will see the rest in the upcoming weeks.
on the saturday following midterm week, me herman bily and heng are now in vancouver having the first vacation almost ever. won't say too much about that for now because the stories will come when we return. but i think i am having some trouble because i don't have experience with enjoying.
tonight, my mind is asking to work again. i'm trying to listen to it.
Saturday, January 24, 2009
"we cannot live unaffected by love. we are most alive when we find it, most devastated when we lose it, most empty when we give up on it, most inhumane when we betray it, and most passionate when we pursue it. the human story seems more driven by the insanity of love than the survival of the fittest."
--soul cravings, erwin raphael mcmanus
the roller coaster ride of experiencing the livelihood, the devastation, the emptiness, the inhumanity.. and the passion.. all at the same time.
--soul cravings, erwin raphael mcmanus
the roller coaster ride of experiencing the livelihood, the devastation, the emptiness, the inhumanity.. and the passion.. all at the same time.
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