the problem of sleep #3

having finished a pretty important phase of life, i'm starting to transition to the next phase. people would probably have different names for what i'm going through now, be it a vacation, holiday, freedom or whatever. i think an accurate name for it is unemployment.. or funemployment. i appreciate the free time to just do whatever, relax and do what i want to do, when i want to do it and not have to worry about anything.

it's definitely been good for that, but a lot of days are just not really planned. as a result, there isn't really a reason to wake up, so the obvious idea is to wake up whenever you wake up.

so comes my talent again. my tendency to sleep in until i no longer need sleep, i found myself waking up first at 11. then 12. then wake up times got later and later. at the same time, while i sleep until i wake up, this causes me to stay up later because i've slept enough during the day. my bedtime is shifted later and later. meal times also get shifted, and sometimes i only have one meal a day. this sure can make food expenses a lot less haha.

i do try to occupy whatever time i have awake with meaningful things, but of course it feels like i don't have enough constructive time in a day. i can't say the dead of the night is motivating at any rate to do productive things, and would wait till the morning/afternoon. but sometimes there are things that i do not have time for but still want to do. such is p90x. i usually end up coming home and realizing that i have to work out, and end up doing it at 1am. it doesn't take a genius to see that this increases my heart rate and blood circulation, which makes me stay up later. also i would eat something to recover, and it doesn't take a genius to know that eating before you sleep isn't so great. so i would stay up a bit later to let that pass.

i've been offered several solutions, such as making all my appointments in the morning or set something in the morning such that i have a reason to wake up. stop sleeping late and stop working out late. force yourself to sleep early. i'm trying as hard to get out of this as you guys are trying to give me solutions.

how bout that problem of sleep.

lessons from a tourist part 1

there wasn't a better time.

five years of engineering school finally over, an undecided future, and a group of friends which i lived through pain and joy with, there wasn't a better time. for the first time in my life, i believe i went on what most people would call a vacation. the guys have a talent (and a passion) for the planning and management of the trip, and my uninvolvement in it all resulted in feelings of unexpectedness of the number of bus rides, overnight train rides, flights and early mornings there were. our leader had said that many people responded to our itinenary with "you're all gonna puke in fatigue", and deep inside me, i started wondering where each of us hid our puke from everyone else.

tired is supposedly a familiar feeling in traveling, and over time i was starting to accept it, however unwillingly. the moving around was a lot and there wasn't much time to take a breath and think about what exactly i was doing (except in a checklist sort of way). now that it is all over, the wisdom veiled by activity began to emerge from its hiding place. i was fortunate to go to hong kong, kunming, da li, li jiang, xi'an, beijing, shanghai, huang shan and kota kinabalu, malaysia, and i only hope that the lessons and reminders of the trip will stay with me.

1. the world is becoming an increasing more global world. the new world is not the only dominant power on this earth, but the rest of the world moves at a considerable pace, if not a greater pace. we live our north american lives aware of what is happening around us, but our minds may only have the capacity to care for a few thousand kilometers away from our own home. when i arrived in asia, i saw the familiar drive to survive, to compete and to improve, just like in canada and america. workers in asia work much longer hours than we do. young people are able to have fun for longer than we do. cost of living is frightfully lower than ours. in many dimensions, it is just better in the other half of the world. living in this earth requires one to not just live in north america, but as a global citizen where countries as china or malaysia or wherever else are neighbours down the street.

2. life finds ways to make that apparent to you when events away from your home affect you directly. when i was in hong kong, it didn't occur to me that i had become involved in the lives the relatives that i lived with, and their lives in mine. not anymore than my waking up for breakfast with them, coming home late at night or watching tv next to them, and the occasional light chats. for the first time in my life (that i was both cognitive and decision capable), i had the choice to spend time with relatives. suddenly, family no longer involved in negative emotions ranging from annoying to frustrating to controllingly unreasonable. it's hard to admit that i would rather spend time with friends than with family, given my situation, but with a thread of obligation and some hope of good expectations, i saw myself spending some time with aunts, uncles, cousins, and all those relatives that the english language don't have names for. whenever i was with relatives, the back of my mind whispered, "victor, you don't actually have to be here with these people", yet i was. i guess it just seemed better when i was able to do things my own way, and i was started to become treated like a grown man capable of making my own decisions, capable of thinking and living. during family dinners, i could no longer just sit there and wait for my parents to talk to those relatives because they knew them more than i did (my parents probably didn't really know them well either), so it was up to me to talk. i don't actually have to talk to these people.

but knowing that they were my family, knowing people that were interested in what you were going to do with your life, people that bombarded you with material possessions to show their appreciation for you, people that made you breakfast every morning and did your laundry, then it becomes both necessary and worthy to invest in a relationship with these family members that you don't ever see. in the global world, your extended family is just a neighbour down the street.

3. the reason why i feel that family becomes a neighbour down the street requires a story. my great uncle wanted to take me out on a tour in the south region of hong kong and he said to bring my friends. he had asked me at least twice to go, so i agreed due to his insistence. we went on a bus to stanley and walked around. then we went to repulse bay. at repulse bay, we started to walk toward the beach. there was a single step. my uncle did not see it, and he missed his footing and fell like a rock. i had only saw his body fall from my peripheral vision, and by the time i faced him, he had already fallen. there was a dull thump and the matching sight of his head on concrete. it all had happened before my senses were able to process what exactly had happened, but panic set in fast enough. i ran over to him on the ground to see how he was. no expression of pain, no direction in vision showed that he wasn't conscious. everyone crowded around and i scrambled to look for help, feeling as if every second counted. i pulled out my cell phone and then realized 911 was not the number to dial here. then a nearby man shouted a phone number to call, and i dialed it without caring who i was dialing to. i explained the situation to the other end and they sent lifeguards to get him.

so he was lifted up when he recovered consciousness and brought to the lifeguard centre. an ambulance came and we were driven to the hospital (including me and the guys) and we went through the procedures. he had to stay overnight because they saw a shadow in his brain but did not know what it was. the whole ordeal happened to coincide with my farewell dinner with their family, and the dinner ended up not having him or his wife with us. the next day, his eye started bruising. before there was no visual signs of his injury and that was a relief for the family, but i think the bruising began to come out on the next day after he had slept and his body began to sort issues out. his arm began hurting from the fall. then i left hong kong.

the scene of my uncle falling, the lifeless eyes staring down at concrete, played in my head over and over again that day. my uncle isn't any better when i am away from hong kong. my aunt had sent me an email last week to tell me to give him a call and ask how he is doing. in the global world, life does not stop moving when you are not there. life cannot just be thought of as that which is moving close to you. my uncle may be getting better down the street, and it's not up to my aunt telling me to call for me to be concerned.

life, living and love.

part 2.

today, life told me that i am a child.
a child that does not know what

life,
living,
and love is.

needs a new model

"Risk is a turn-based game for two to six players and is played on a board depicting a stylized Napoleonic-era political map of the Earth, divided into forty-two territories, which are grouped into six continents. Players control armies with which they attempt to capture territories from other players. The goal of the game is "world domination," to control all the territories—or "conquer the world"—through the elimination of the other players. Using area movement, Risk ignores limitations such as the vast size of the world and the logistics of long campaigns."

final week of undergrad

in the weight of my own responsibility, the sight of the complete impossibility, the viselike crush of the hands of time,

only the imaginary music of comfort layers under the deafening silence of night, and my loneliness brings me deeper inside me.

oh, that a miracle would defeat these words.
and this heart of loneliness.