"it's impossible. "
"what do you mean it's impossible? you can do it, everyone does it."
"no it's really just not working. i can't do it."
pause.
"have you tried everything?"
"it defies all logic. it doesn't make any sense. finding a way to distract myself only fills it with an air detached from reality. looking at it straight on just makes it worse. i can't stop it."
"i'm sorry man.. i don't know what to tell you. you just.. stop. what about the other.."
"don't talk about the other thing. it's not working out. one moment you think you're alright, and the next one, you're swamped."
"bummer.. but.. other people have done it, you can too!"
"i know other people have done it..."
pause.
"how are things looking for this coming week?"
"it's as worse as it can get. only a week left now. and i'm in no condition to deal with it all."
"that's only what you say and think. it's not true man, don't be tricked like that. you have all the strength and wisdom to go through all of this."
"i can't.."
"there's no use hanging onto things that won't do you any good man. you have to just.. stop. start over. everyday is a brand new chance for you to start fresh. i mean.. it's getting close to the end of things now, and if anything you should make the most of what is in front of you, instead of wasting it away. it's not a one man world, there are others around you. and after a while, things are going to reset themselves, and perhaps history may replay itself, but chances are, you have to make a new history for yourself."
"it's not gonna wait for me, right?"
"it sure isn't. so what do you say?"
pause.
"i can't do all of this on my own. i don't have it in me anymore..."
"you do. and there's so many of us around to help and support you. and there's a God that loves you infinitely, with a power to heal you. but you have to be broken to him."
"sigh. i'm scared. what's gonna come out of this... "
"you have to just forget about it.. don't worry, because it will be alright in the end."
who's right?
Thursday, March 30, 2006
Monday, March 20, 2006
impaired vision
"Do you know what it's like to have bad vision? today, we enjoy the luxuries of paper-thin eyeglasses, even thinner contact lenses, and even laser precise eye surgery to cure blindness. but even these things, as technologically improved as they are over the years, they are only temporary. one moment without your glasses, and what can you see? colours smeared and faded into a space without depth. edges invisible, incapable of distinguish object to object.
(Do you know how frustrating it is to look for something you’ve lost? Like your keys in the morning, or a belt that you’re missing. Maybe it’s your sunglasses or wallet...That kind of frustrating. Got that feeling in your head? Imagine it ten times worse, because you’re not quite sure what you’re looking for, and you know you can’t go on without it. That’s what I’m feeling right now.)
you find your glasses. you put them on. what can you see? seems clear, but you look to the right, and it's blurry. you look up a bit, and there's a thick fuzzy line in your field of vision. you look up a bit more, and you see the frame, and beyond that it's unchartered terrirtory. it's not clear at all."
i found the glasses cloth, and took off my glasses. gave em a wipe here, and a wipe there, and i put them back on. clear again. some fuzzy streaks, but that can't be helped. my desk is a mess. papers here, books there. i opened my drawer, and a clear green light glowed into sight. i took out the green stone, and closed the drawer. it was pretty. the stone was crowned with a golden frame, and a majestic light shone from the deep inside. it stung my heart to look at it, because it was so close to me, and because of the thought of what i was about to do to it.
i looked into the stone. i remembered.. happiness, confidence, love. scenes of past memories flashed before me, deep inside the green light. it still stung my heart to look at it. the light soon began to fade, as those wonderful feelings began to fade in me as well. perhaps it just wasn't right. perhaps i was all wrong about it. where could i possibly be going with this?
i grasped the stone hard, and the light left. into the kitchen, the garbage can opened, and the stone fell with a soft thud. the lid closed. back to my seat. i sat.
and thought. i felt.. unnatural. something was missing. once again i took off my glasses and gave them a wipe. i put them on again, and seemingly they were much clearer. wait a second.. what was that?
"victor! comon man!"
they stood at the door, calling for me. seems like i'm supposed to go do something with them. "i'm coming! just give me two minutes." i opened the drawer again.
no familiar green light. it was so unnatural. but it was so clearly.. a drawer. the walls of the drawer were distinctly separate by the dark edges from the drawer itself. there wasn't much more there, but the wood had a vertical pattern. things would be clearer from now on.
i got up and left.
(victor jr.)
(Do you know how frustrating it is to look for something you’ve lost? Like your keys in the morning, or a belt that you’re missing. Maybe it’s your sunglasses or wallet...That kind of frustrating. Got that feeling in your head? Imagine it ten times worse, because you’re not quite sure what you’re looking for, and you know you can’t go on without it. That’s what I’m feeling right now.)
you find your glasses. you put them on. what can you see? seems clear, but you look to the right, and it's blurry. you look up a bit, and there's a thick fuzzy line in your field of vision. you look up a bit more, and you see the frame, and beyond that it's unchartered terrirtory. it's not clear at all."
i found the glasses cloth, and took off my glasses. gave em a wipe here, and a wipe there, and i put them back on. clear again. some fuzzy streaks, but that can't be helped. my desk is a mess. papers here, books there. i opened my drawer, and a clear green light glowed into sight. i took out the green stone, and closed the drawer. it was pretty. the stone was crowned with a golden frame, and a majestic light shone from the deep inside. it stung my heart to look at it, because it was so close to me, and because of the thought of what i was about to do to it.
i looked into the stone. i remembered.. happiness, confidence, love. scenes of past memories flashed before me, deep inside the green light. it still stung my heart to look at it. the light soon began to fade, as those wonderful feelings began to fade in me as well. perhaps it just wasn't right. perhaps i was all wrong about it. where could i possibly be going with this?
i grasped the stone hard, and the light left. into the kitchen, the garbage can opened, and the stone fell with a soft thud. the lid closed. back to my seat. i sat.
and thought. i felt.. unnatural. something was missing. once again i took off my glasses and gave them a wipe. i put them on again, and seemingly they were much clearer. wait a second.. what was that?
"victor! comon man!"
they stood at the door, calling for me. seems like i'm supposed to go do something with them. "i'm coming! just give me two minutes." i opened the drawer again.
no familiar green light. it was so unnatural. but it was so clearly.. a drawer. the walls of the drawer were distinctly separate by the dark edges from the drawer itself. there wasn't much more there, but the wood had a vertical pattern. things would be clearer from now on.
i got up and left.
(victor jr.)
Thursday, February 23, 2006
midterm limbo
ahh.. the midterm limbo.
from february 6 to 10, mechanical engineers have their midterm week with no classes. becuz mechatronics are under our department as well, this resulted in 4 of the 5 students in our house to be out of classes and in study mode. everyone knows what study mode is like. sitting in front of the books.. forever. of course, we were not so easily focused, and distracted ourselves easily. the first exam on monday went okay, but it started going downhill from there. our focus level.
the days soon become mixed with awkward periods of sleep, smash brothers, walking around the house, guitar, and.. oh yea, studying. thankfully i was more confident after the 2nd exam, and it went okay for me. but just the TASTE of that week totally threw off living.
the week after, i had my psych midterm on tuesday, so i still had to "study" for it. i didn't really study for it, cuz i just didn't care about it, but i thought i knew enough to get through it, which i guess i did (not as well as i thought). lifesong, an annual outreach event hosted by uwccf was also coming up, and for some peculiar reason i volunteered to write the script for the drama. after i was "in commission" to work, after exams, i got started on it. unfortunately there were many disagreements with how the script should be like, and many versions had to be written, as well as many different changes. i ended up not going to school for many days of that week.
the week after was reading week for the school. except for math and engineering students, of course. while everyone was out there having fun, i still had class. well.. not really. we still worked on the script, and i continued to miss class. tuesday of that week was an IRS day or something like that, where grads go around parading into our classes acting like idiots about how they graduated and got their engineering ring. it would have been a nice sight to see, but i'd prefer to sleep in after sleeping at 4am for consecutive nights. but in any case.. classes were not gone to.
for 3 weeks, i haven't been a full student. the feeling of being in the house almost constantly, sitting in front of a computer screen working on the same thing for hours upon hours. what happens when u do the same thing over and over again. ur mind becomes rigid. stuck in a box. my mind wouldn't think of anything else but the script, sleep, and not wanting to do the script (or anything else, for that matter).
now today was the beginning of reading week for us. i sit and think what's happened for these past three weeks. ironically, i realized that i had no drive during these weeks. what is a christian to do at times like these? what is any normal person supposed to do? a person can't live in a box with just one or two things on their mind.
soooo what to do now? shane and shane's song "God did", though it has nothing to do with what i talk about.. my favourite line of the song..
"are you ready to live?"
victro
from february 6 to 10, mechanical engineers have their midterm week with no classes. becuz mechatronics are under our department as well, this resulted in 4 of the 5 students in our house to be out of classes and in study mode. everyone knows what study mode is like. sitting in front of the books.. forever. of course, we were not so easily focused, and distracted ourselves easily. the first exam on monday went okay, but it started going downhill from there. our focus level.
the days soon become mixed with awkward periods of sleep, smash brothers, walking around the house, guitar, and.. oh yea, studying. thankfully i was more confident after the 2nd exam, and it went okay for me. but just the TASTE of that week totally threw off living.
the week after, i had my psych midterm on tuesday, so i still had to "study" for it. i didn't really study for it, cuz i just didn't care about it, but i thought i knew enough to get through it, which i guess i did (not as well as i thought). lifesong, an annual outreach event hosted by uwccf was also coming up, and for some peculiar reason i volunteered to write the script for the drama. after i was "in commission" to work, after exams, i got started on it. unfortunately there were many disagreements with how the script should be like, and many versions had to be written, as well as many different changes. i ended up not going to school for many days of that week.
the week after was reading week for the school. except for math and engineering students, of course. while everyone was out there having fun, i still had class. well.. not really. we still worked on the script, and i continued to miss class. tuesday of that week was an IRS day or something like that, where grads go around parading into our classes acting like idiots about how they graduated and got their engineering ring. it would have been a nice sight to see, but i'd prefer to sleep in after sleeping at 4am for consecutive nights. but in any case.. classes were not gone to.
for 3 weeks, i haven't been a full student. the feeling of being in the house almost constantly, sitting in front of a computer screen working on the same thing for hours upon hours. what happens when u do the same thing over and over again. ur mind becomes rigid. stuck in a box. my mind wouldn't think of anything else but the script, sleep, and not wanting to do the script (or anything else, for that matter).
now today was the beginning of reading week for us. i sit and think what's happened for these past three weeks. ironically, i realized that i had no drive during these weeks. what is a christian to do at times like these? what is any normal person supposed to do? a person can't live in a box with just one or two things on their mind.
soooo what to do now? shane and shane's song "God did", though it has nothing to do with what i talk about.. my favourite line of the song..
"are you ready to live?"
victro
Monday, January 30, 2006
reflections of a 20 year old
reflections of a 20 year old. indeed, this marks a significant time period in life.. so it appears. what makes this january 29 different from any other january 29?
1. january 29 2006 is chinese new year. to the chinese, this is a time of family, a time of celebration for the coming new year, and a time of giving and sharing. personally i find the animals stuff and the singing weird songs and the fancy chinese phrases and bit tiresome, repetitive, and a bit heathen. there's always time for giving and sharing, and surely i do not mind receiving red envelops stuffed with cash. but surely still, such a time should not have constant tension and unfamiliarity in the family.
2. for the very first time, age dictates that i am to be an adult. therefore, it is only right to act like an adult, and deal with my own issues as an adult. though i understand that the constant struggles of life is neverending, teenager or adult, i would guess that there certainly should be some expected change. on this january 29, i found that all the more difficult to handle. it may have been the consistent reminders of failure in many facets, spiritual and unspiritual. or the times that the things close to heart were abruptly taken away in pain. or even just the duty to be a responsible person, with a series of responsibilities. 20 is a landmark for maturity, and maturity demands me to deal with things right.
3. the value of love and friendship stands out so much more to me. it was a clear comparison. my first birthday in university, i spent the weekend with very different people, and we ended up doing many different things together. i saw different forms of love in their actions and their words. i appreciated everyone that remembered my birthday, sometimes to the point that i didn't know what to say back, and some did more than that. i'm a believer that we should treat our friends like it's their birthday every day.. except that the birthday gives us a reason to do something extra fun for the person you love. thank you everyone that i encountered that weekend.. you've reminded me how much more that i should love you as a friend and brother in Christ. yup.. yes you.
4. weaknesses are sometimes best left hidden from the cheeky ones. letters should always come with a 50 cent canadian stamp if it is a local letter, and it should also be stamped by the post office to show that it has been mailed. as well, normal people do not make their signatures indecipherable, nor do they spray tommy girl all over it. if the letter contains these traits, and includes lots of mushy writing, be suspicious. be very suspicious. i at least got the suspicious part down.
5. though i am in a new "phase" of life, i'm still stuck in the same phase of life as a student. i'm 20, but school still sucks so hard. the best birthday present for me is a good mark for my exams. (not to say that i didn't like the ones i received. thank you!)
20 years old indeed. that's a lot to think about for a kid like me. i bid all the 19 year olds good luck, all the 20+ year olds good day, and all the 18- good grief charlie brown, cuz u've got a long way to go!
sincerely yours,
victro
1. january 29 2006 is chinese new year. to the chinese, this is a time of family, a time of celebration for the coming new year, and a time of giving and sharing. personally i find the animals stuff and the singing weird songs and the fancy chinese phrases and bit tiresome, repetitive, and a bit heathen. there's always time for giving and sharing, and surely i do not mind receiving red envelops stuffed with cash. but surely still, such a time should not have constant tension and unfamiliarity in the family.
2. for the very first time, age dictates that i am to be an adult. therefore, it is only right to act like an adult, and deal with my own issues as an adult. though i understand that the constant struggles of life is neverending, teenager or adult, i would guess that there certainly should be some expected change. on this january 29, i found that all the more difficult to handle. it may have been the consistent reminders of failure in many facets, spiritual and unspiritual. or the times that the things close to heart were abruptly taken away in pain. or even just the duty to be a responsible person, with a series of responsibilities. 20 is a landmark for maturity, and maturity demands me to deal with things right.
3. the value of love and friendship stands out so much more to me. it was a clear comparison. my first birthday in university, i spent the weekend with very different people, and we ended up doing many different things together. i saw different forms of love in their actions and their words. i appreciated everyone that remembered my birthday, sometimes to the point that i didn't know what to say back, and some did more than that. i'm a believer that we should treat our friends like it's their birthday every day.. except that the birthday gives us a reason to do something extra fun for the person you love. thank you everyone that i encountered that weekend.. you've reminded me how much more that i should love you as a friend and brother in Christ. yup.. yes you.
4. weaknesses are sometimes best left hidden from the cheeky ones. letters should always come with a 50 cent canadian stamp if it is a local letter, and it should also be stamped by the post office to show that it has been mailed. as well, normal people do not make their signatures indecipherable, nor do they spray tommy girl all over it. if the letter contains these traits, and includes lots of mushy writing, be suspicious. be very suspicious. i at least got the suspicious part down.
5. though i am in a new "phase" of life, i'm still stuck in the same phase of life as a student. i'm 20, but school still sucks so hard. the best birthday present for me is a good mark for my exams. (not to say that i didn't like the ones i received. thank you!)
20 years old indeed. that's a lot to think about for a kid like me. i bid all the 19 year olds good luck, all the 20+ year olds good day, and all the 18- good grief charlie brown, cuz u've got a long way to go!
sincerely yours,
victro
Sunday, January 15, 2006
mcdougall stories
it's only been two weeks at 94 mcdougall, and derek yau, bily xiao, jon lo and jon chan as well as myself have had some crazy times.
today.. me and derek made the BEAST. it was so BEAST that we couldn't contain it. u don't understand.. it was beast. take a look at this.
not to mention the little mishap with the fried bananas in the company of vanessa. we'll keep that one quiet. haha.
u'd think engineers would be hardcoring the work all day. 30 hour weeks for the 5 of us. early mornings, late nights. but our gamecube would definitely disagree. smash bros melee.. how many hours did we spend on that.. ha-cha! then we go downstairs, the same place where we play, pullin out the textbooks and we hardcore it. beast.
the new christmas lights add a festive feel to the house. warm. cozy. comfortable. the world of an engineer is intense, sometimes hopeless, sometimes overwhelming. but u would walk up those stairs, and feel a sense of hope, and a sense of family, and even a small tinge of love.
thank you all for coming to our mcdougall housewarming party. we had lots of fun, lots of food, and lots of good times.
i love my massive room, becuz i love how inviting it is. though it looks like an office, and the entrance of into the room already makes one feel obliged to act professional, courteous to the boss (me), from my angle, looking out the door, it feels refreshing. another new face coming in. another companion to share in the struggle of university.
the microfibre cloth has brought us through many trials of dirt and grime, and still goes on to. may u keep us in bacteria-free living.
5 computers, 5 guitars, tons of juggling balls, 3 chess sets, networked laser printer hooked up to a 40gb LANed server, CUT CAPO, and four hearts desiring to see Jesus.
Christ, be the center of our lives.. be the place we fix our eyes.
We lift our eyes to heaven.. we wrap our lives around your life.
may the next 3 months be blessed.
victro
today.. me and derek made the BEAST. it was so BEAST that we couldn't contain it. u don't understand.. it was beast. take a look at this.
not to mention the little mishap with the fried bananas in the company of vanessa. we'll keep that one quiet. haha.
u'd think engineers would be hardcoring the work all day. 30 hour weeks for the 5 of us. early mornings, late nights. but our gamecube would definitely disagree. smash bros melee.. how many hours did we spend on that.. ha-cha! then we go downstairs, the same place where we play, pullin out the textbooks and we hardcore it. beast.
the new christmas lights add a festive feel to the house. warm. cozy. comfortable. the world of an engineer is intense, sometimes hopeless, sometimes overwhelming. but u would walk up those stairs, and feel a sense of hope, and a sense of family, and even a small tinge of love.
thank you all for coming to our mcdougall housewarming party. we had lots of fun, lots of food, and lots of good times.
i love my massive room, becuz i love how inviting it is. though it looks like an office, and the entrance of into the room already makes one feel obliged to act professional, courteous to the boss (me), from my angle, looking out the door, it feels refreshing. another new face coming in. another companion to share in the struggle of university.
the microfibre cloth has brought us through many trials of dirt and grime, and still goes on to. may u keep us in bacteria-free living.
5 computers, 5 guitars, tons of juggling balls, 3 chess sets, networked laser printer hooked up to a 40gb LANed server, CUT CAPO, and four hearts desiring to see Jesus.
Christ, be the center of our lives.. be the place we fix our eyes.
We lift our eyes to heaven.. we wrap our lives around your life.
may the next 3 months be blessed.
victro
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