we go through our 20 or so years of life and it easily slips our minds that we are constantly being tested: by our actions, or by our words. how does it make us feel when we do things right? nothing.
but how does it make us feel when we do things wrong?
i had a dialogue with a guy in my department today. he was asking me about something that he REALLY should have been able to check himself (but that's besides the point). what he asked me required a program called MRP, and though being at the company for 3.5 months (i'm TWO weeks from leaving the company), i still have not been given access to it, so i don't bother really asking for it. anyway, he continued to ask me stuff, but it got to a point where he wasn't being clear with his questions and asking me all sorts of random stuff. i didn't know how to answer him, and i just said some stuff, hoping to just satisfy him. yet when i said that, i got this wrenching feeling in my heart, this feeling of unsureness. do i really know what i was talking about? no i didn't.
sure enough, i gave a wrong answer. he responded once with "that's the wrong answer", and i ended up having to cover up my wrong answer with some reasoning about what i said.
it's a petty story, but do you see the problem? how sure of you are of yourself? it's just silly that all these years we are being trained and taught and EXPECTED to grow, because that's the right thing to do. what if you got it all wrong? all this VALUABLE experience, all this time and energy and effort put forth to it, and in the end, we aren't even SURE of ourselves?
then we ask.. who are we, and what good can we do?
Sunday, April 22, 2007
Sunday, March 18, 2007
something is radically wrong...
an excerpt from "the ragamuffin gospel", by brennan manning
"Life takes on a joyless, empty quality. We begin to resemble the leading character in Eugene O'Neill's play The Great God Brown:
'Why am I afraid to dance, I who love music and rhythm and grace and song and laughter? Why am I afraid to live, I who love life and the beauty of flesh and the living colours of the earth and sky and sea? Why am I afraid to love, I who love love?'
Something is radically wrong.
Our huffing and puffing to impress God, our scrambling for brownie points, our thrashing about trying to fix ourselves while hiding our pettiness and wallowing in guilt are NAUSEATING to God and are a FLAT DENIAL OF THE GOSPEL OF GRACE."
... this hit me like an absolute truck.. there's so much more in this book, and i've only read like 10 pages, i would end up typing out the entire thing.
"Life takes on a joyless, empty quality. We begin to resemble the leading character in Eugene O'Neill's play The Great God Brown:
'Why am I afraid to dance, I who love music and rhythm and grace and song and laughter? Why am I afraid to live, I who love life and the beauty of flesh and the living colours of the earth and sky and sea? Why am I afraid to love, I who love love?'
Something is radically wrong.
Our huffing and puffing to impress God, our scrambling for brownie points, our thrashing about trying to fix ourselves while hiding our pettiness and wallowing in guilt are NAUSEATING to God and are a FLAT DENIAL OF THE GOSPEL OF GRACE."
... this hit me like an absolute truck.. there's so much more in this book, and i've only read like 10 pages, i would end up typing out the entire thing.
Sunday, February 11, 2007
a simple invitation /irresistable revolutionaries
january 29, 2007 was my 21st birthday. this birthday is a different birthday for most, and was a different birthday for myself as well. after my 2b school term in waterloo, i felt that i've grown up a fair bit. evidence of that was when i learned that some people actually looked up to me as a person (that was shocking!). at this point i wonder what have been my sources of growth back then. it could have been the encouragements and support from my brothers and sisters, or my own desire to step up and make a change.
because of all of that, i thought that this birthday of mine should be revolutionary as well. so i made an evite, inviting everyone to dinner and then out to karaoke after that. saturday night. sounds like a pretty normal birthday get-together, what's so special about that, you say?
well no, that wasn't all that special, but my objective was. my objective was to invite everyone that i knew, that i had at least some sort of friendship with. the result of that was that i sent the evite to not only my closer friends, but those that aren't so close either. even to some that would lead to a very awkward thought or feeling on their part (i even sent it to pastor ted haha.. can see you see PT going out to karaoke? priceless). my purpose was solely for the people and not myself. i spent a long long time writing the evite to describe this, and by the time i was done with it, it was a beautiful piece, every word straight from my heart. here are some of the main points that i mentioned:
1. the purpose of calling such a birthday gathering is to benefit the body of christ, using the occasion of my birthday as an excuse to lure a lot of people of great variety to a common place and purpose.
2. already knowing that one receiving the invitation either can't go or wouldn't want to go, nor even care that it was my 21st birthday, i still sent the email despite of that, to tell the person that i appreciated them and cared about them, and hoped to better our friendship during the time that i am here (not long).
3. no one else would do something like this.
for those of u who've actually read it, u'd know what i'm talking about.
the birthday didn't go as i expected, probably because i sent it out way too late, but it was a good birthday nonetheless. but it's not over. as a tribute and reminder to what i decided on, i wanted to make a note and a point of it, so that i will keep to thinking and caring of others, not just by words but with actions as well.
it makes me think of a book that i wanted to buy but didn't, named "irresistable revolution" by shane claiborne. i think chris has it. so i can say that, i don't know what the book is about at all, but the title is so catching. i want to be a revolutionary, change the way things work around here, change lives. and i want to do it so well, that i'd be irresistable. that people would see what i'm doing, and people would see me changing other people. i pray that i would do all this with the right spirit.
because of all of that, i thought that this birthday of mine should be revolutionary as well. so i made an evite, inviting everyone to dinner and then out to karaoke after that. saturday night. sounds like a pretty normal birthday get-together, what's so special about that, you say?
well no, that wasn't all that special, but my objective was. my objective was to invite everyone that i knew, that i had at least some sort of friendship with. the result of that was that i sent the evite to not only my closer friends, but those that aren't so close either. even to some that would lead to a very awkward thought or feeling on their part (i even sent it to pastor ted haha.. can see you see PT going out to karaoke? priceless). my purpose was solely for the people and not myself. i spent a long long time writing the evite to describe this, and by the time i was done with it, it was a beautiful piece, every word straight from my heart. here are some of the main points that i mentioned:
1. the purpose of calling such a birthday gathering is to benefit the body of christ, using the occasion of my birthday as an excuse to lure a lot of people of great variety to a common place and purpose.
2. already knowing that one receiving the invitation either can't go or wouldn't want to go, nor even care that it was my 21st birthday, i still sent the email despite of that, to tell the person that i appreciated them and cared about them, and hoped to better our friendship during the time that i am here (not long).
3. no one else would do something like this.
for those of u who've actually read it, u'd know what i'm talking about.
the birthday didn't go as i expected, probably because i sent it out way too late, but it was a good birthday nonetheless. but it's not over. as a tribute and reminder to what i decided on, i wanted to make a note and a point of it, so that i will keep to thinking and caring of others, not just by words but with actions as well.
it makes me think of a book that i wanted to buy but didn't, named "irresistable revolution" by shane claiborne. i think chris has it. so i can say that, i don't know what the book is about at all, but the title is so catching. i want to be a revolutionary, change the way things work around here, change lives. and i want to do it so well, that i'd be irresistable. that people would see what i'm doing, and people would see me changing other people. i pray that i would do all this with the right spirit.
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
part 5!!! (see part 4 from oct 2005)
they led into the tallest building. it must have been special because other shorter buildings surrounded this one, like it was elevating it.
the two men held my arms behind my back. they had a firm grip on me, but now they made sure it didn't hurt.
we went through the set of double doors that was the entrance. the lobby was covered with mirrored surfaces and other shiny things. there was no signs of logos, so i couldn't figure out where i was going. i didn't really have that much time to look at anything else, because the men forced me straight to the elevator. the man on the left pressed the button, and the elevator doors opened, and i was pushed in.
the man pushed the elevator button up to the 100th and highest floor. holy smokes...
the doors opened, and we entered a well lit room with black walls. we walked towards the counter, and as we got closer, there sat an immensely beautiful blond girl, dressed business casual. i was almost in shock as to how good looking she was, but the two men said nothing, but said to her, "we have to take him to the boss."
"yup, he's waiting." she replied. the men brought me to a set of wooden double doors, and knocked. a voice said to come in. the voice was soft, and sounded nothing like the two big burly men holding to my arms. they pushed the doors open, and surprisingly, more shockingly beautiful women of the similar sort got up to leave the room. i had some trouble not looking at them, but i saw the boy sitting at the desk, leather chair and all.
all dressed up; suit, tie and all, like a CEO of some company. this company.
"have a seat." he started. the men let me go, and then left. i took a seat in front of him, still a bit confused. he didn't say anything, but looked at me.
"welcome to my office. i was told that you would come by."
"where are we? and.. who are you? are you some kind of CEO or something? i saw you running into that corridor in the mall, and then everything changed and now i'm in this weird world. i thought you were going to be in danger or something, running off like that. but clearly you're not."
he replied me with much more intensity than i expected. "do you think i'm some sort of child? do i not look worthy to be responsible for myself?"
i didn't know what to say. before i could make an attempted, i was already judged guilty.
"that's what i thought. i own this company, and all those you see in this building work for me. their paychecks come from me, and they learn from me."
"well okay." there was a slight pause before i asked, "so what does your company do?"
"that is no concern to you, but rest assured that it is a profitable business." what an answer that was! this kid was starting to get on my nerves.
the tension was relieved slightly as he got up to the coffee maker close by. i watched as he fumbled with the stylish, expensive-looking, yet awkward coffee maker. he shoved the kettle into a space that didn't seem to be able to fit the kettle, at the same time tried to get the package of coffee beans into a slot. i watched as he struggled in frustration. it was clear that it would have been much easier if he did it separately. "why don't you do it one by one?" i suggested.
he turned at me with ferocity and glared. i looked back at him innocently, and he turned back to continue struggling with it. after about a minute or two, he yelled out "misha!" the door opened, and one of the girls came in. he motioned her to the coffee maker, and she got to work at once. at this point i really didn't know what to say. mr CEO couldn't work his own coffee maker, and his business was secret (at least to me) and highly profitable (at least to him). he also looks like he's less than 10 years old, with the temper of a barbarian, and is surrounded with excessively good looking women. as soon as i had the time to think over what i just absorbed, he did not give me any time to ask any questions.
"so i believe you've been here long enough. maybe it's time show you around town. guards!" guards entered the room and picked me up by the arms. "hey can you put me down? i can walk myself. " the guards ignored me and took me out the office. i barely managed to turn around to see him still watching me.
the guards led me to the elevator and pressed the button. the doors opened immediately and i was dragged in. one of the guards pulled out an odd shaped key and fitted it into an odd shaped keyhole. the key turned, and the elevator was in motion. downwards. i looked up and watched the floor numbers go down as well. soon the numbers reached 5.. 4.. 3.. 2.. 1.. and the lights turned off.
the elevator continued to go down. "hey i think we missed the first floor, guys." i said.
"shut up!"
the elevator went down for about a minute or two more (or half an hour, i couldn't tell time anymore). and soon came to a halt. the doors opened. what i saw was.. nothing. pitch black. arms pushed me forward, and i fell onto a cold stony ground, banging my knee to the hard rough surface. i looked up and watched the elevator doors close. light slipped away. i knew i couldn't do anything to get back into the elevator, so i sat and watched in despair.
(our hero trying to do a good deed, ends up getting thrown in a.. i don't even know what. why is he here, and what is he going to face now? stay tuned for the next entry!)
the two men held my arms behind my back. they had a firm grip on me, but now they made sure it didn't hurt.
we went through the set of double doors that was the entrance. the lobby was covered with mirrored surfaces and other shiny things. there was no signs of logos, so i couldn't figure out where i was going. i didn't really have that much time to look at anything else, because the men forced me straight to the elevator. the man on the left pressed the button, and the elevator doors opened, and i was pushed in.
the man pushed the elevator button up to the 100th and highest floor. holy smokes...
the doors opened, and we entered a well lit room with black walls. we walked towards the counter, and as we got closer, there sat an immensely beautiful blond girl, dressed business casual. i was almost in shock as to how good looking she was, but the two men said nothing, but said to her, "we have to take him to the boss."
"yup, he's waiting." she replied. the men brought me to a set of wooden double doors, and knocked. a voice said to come in. the voice was soft, and sounded nothing like the two big burly men holding to my arms. they pushed the doors open, and surprisingly, more shockingly beautiful women of the similar sort got up to leave the room. i had some trouble not looking at them, but i saw the boy sitting at the desk, leather chair and all.
all dressed up; suit, tie and all, like a CEO of some company. this company.
"have a seat." he started. the men let me go, and then left. i took a seat in front of him, still a bit confused. he didn't say anything, but looked at me.
"welcome to my office. i was told that you would come by."
"where are we? and.. who are you? are you some kind of CEO or something? i saw you running into that corridor in the mall, and then everything changed and now i'm in this weird world. i thought you were going to be in danger or something, running off like that. but clearly you're not."
he replied me with much more intensity than i expected. "do you think i'm some sort of child? do i not look worthy to be responsible for myself?"
i didn't know what to say. before i could make an attempted, i was already judged guilty.
"that's what i thought. i own this company, and all those you see in this building work for me. their paychecks come from me, and they learn from me."
"well okay." there was a slight pause before i asked, "so what does your company do?"
"that is no concern to you, but rest assured that it is a profitable business." what an answer that was! this kid was starting to get on my nerves.
the tension was relieved slightly as he got up to the coffee maker close by. i watched as he fumbled with the stylish, expensive-looking, yet awkward coffee maker. he shoved the kettle into a space that didn't seem to be able to fit the kettle, at the same time tried to get the package of coffee beans into a slot. i watched as he struggled in frustration. it was clear that it would have been much easier if he did it separately. "why don't you do it one by one?" i suggested.
he turned at me with ferocity and glared. i looked back at him innocently, and he turned back to continue struggling with it. after about a minute or two, he yelled out "misha!" the door opened, and one of the girls came in. he motioned her to the coffee maker, and she got to work at once. at this point i really didn't know what to say. mr CEO couldn't work his own coffee maker, and his business was secret (at least to me) and highly profitable (at least to him). he also looks like he's less than 10 years old, with the temper of a barbarian, and is surrounded with excessively good looking women. as soon as i had the time to think over what i just absorbed, he did not give me any time to ask any questions.
"so i believe you've been here long enough. maybe it's time show you around town. guards!" guards entered the room and picked me up by the arms. "hey can you put me down? i can walk myself. " the guards ignored me and took me out the office. i barely managed to turn around to see him still watching me.
the guards led me to the elevator and pressed the button. the doors opened immediately and i was dragged in. one of the guards pulled out an odd shaped key and fitted it into an odd shaped keyhole. the key turned, and the elevator was in motion. downwards. i looked up and watched the floor numbers go down as well. soon the numbers reached 5.. 4.. 3.. 2.. 1.. and the lights turned off.
the elevator continued to go down. "hey i think we missed the first floor, guys." i said.
"shut up!"
the elevator went down for about a minute or two more (or half an hour, i couldn't tell time anymore). and soon came to a halt. the doors opened. what i saw was.. nothing. pitch black. arms pushed me forward, and i fell onto a cold stony ground, banging my knee to the hard rough surface. i looked up and watched the elevator doors close. light slipped away. i knew i couldn't do anything to get back into the elevator, so i sat and watched in despair.
(our hero trying to do a good deed, ends up getting thrown in a.. i don't even know what. why is he here, and what is he going to face now? stay tuned for the next entry!)
Friday, December 22, 2006
it's been rather unfortunate that i haven't had time to write anything for the past few months. i've missed the opportunity to record previous feelings, which have now been replaced with present feelings, and the best i can do now is to reformulate such feelings again, though it would seem to me less meaningful.
(it is also unfortunate that i can only present to you a blog entry like other blog entries, due to these present feelings. )
i have been rather busy with school this term. this 2b term has been dubbed to be one of the toughest academic terms for many engineers. ode, mods, thermo, digital logic and dynamics, certainly makes for a very difficult combination. having the mental preparation for the true difficulty of the term, i had already started working hard from the beginning, resulting in above average midterm marks. the term progresses, and i continue to work hard, but in the end, finals simply could not be beat. for good or for worse, very similar occurences of this happened to many different friends, both close and not as close. more than ever are there friends that worry about passing the term. i can look inside everyone and see what effect school is having on them. the worries that it produces inside each person, and the stresses and frustrations built up, but generally not let out.
it is a scary thought, because such a school has been subconsciously (or consciously) equated to a live war. fellow soldiers, training together, fighting together, side by side. we live together, and struggle together, and overcome together, and such a struggle only brings us close together as a family. we can see in each other what the fighting is doing to us, and sometimes we offer words of encouragement, but other times know that we are powerless to do anything, because you yourself are in the same situation yourself.
or we don't overcome together, and you see your family, shot in the chest, bullet sifting through the body like it was just a simple piece of cloth. the body that was once your friend, falls to the ground, blending with the rest of dying scenery. then they fade away.
a bit dramatic? very! what ached my heart the most this term were those that have had absolutely no rest from such a fight, and are forced to go through such a struggle. maybe i've become more and more weak-hearted, or my notorious actionless care for others has grown even more.
i think that the effects of such a school has numbed my feelings for everything else. how else can one care about a person except for school support? there wasn't any other way. that theme of mind continued until i got sick of it, not feeling any benefits that i potentially created for others. yet the soreness of school was ever present in the people around me, and my heart became torn.
now that school is all over, what does that result in? i've realized what has been missing in these difficult school days, and am working to restore what has left me. back home in toronto again, i'm to readjust to living back at home, as well as reaccustom myself to groups of friends (questionable?), and who i am to be in these groups. my mind has been a mess, losing ability to focus a thought on myself for long periods of time, and even more difficulty thinking of ways to improve myself, as well as muster motivation to do so.
in any case, back in unfamiliar toronto, it's my own responsibility to make it all familiar again, perhaps even more than that for once.
(i think i will see some interesting comments.)
(it is also unfortunate that i can only present to you a blog entry like other blog entries, due to these present feelings. )
i have been rather busy with school this term. this 2b term has been dubbed to be one of the toughest academic terms for many engineers. ode, mods, thermo, digital logic and dynamics, certainly makes for a very difficult combination. having the mental preparation for the true difficulty of the term, i had already started working hard from the beginning, resulting in above average midterm marks. the term progresses, and i continue to work hard, but in the end, finals simply could not be beat. for good or for worse, very similar occurences of this happened to many different friends, both close and not as close. more than ever are there friends that worry about passing the term. i can look inside everyone and see what effect school is having on them. the worries that it produces inside each person, and the stresses and frustrations built up, but generally not let out.
it is a scary thought, because such a school has been subconsciously (or consciously) equated to a live war. fellow soldiers, training together, fighting together, side by side. we live together, and struggle together, and overcome together, and such a struggle only brings us close together as a family. we can see in each other what the fighting is doing to us, and sometimes we offer words of encouragement, but other times know that we are powerless to do anything, because you yourself are in the same situation yourself.
or we don't overcome together, and you see your family, shot in the chest, bullet sifting through the body like it was just a simple piece of cloth. the body that was once your friend, falls to the ground, blending with the rest of dying scenery. then they fade away.
a bit dramatic? very! what ached my heart the most this term were those that have had absolutely no rest from such a fight, and are forced to go through such a struggle. maybe i've become more and more weak-hearted, or my notorious actionless care for others has grown even more.
i think that the effects of such a school has numbed my feelings for everything else. how else can one care about a person except for school support? there wasn't any other way. that theme of mind continued until i got sick of it, not feeling any benefits that i potentially created for others. yet the soreness of school was ever present in the people around me, and my heart became torn.
now that school is all over, what does that result in? i've realized what has been missing in these difficult school days, and am working to restore what has left me. back home in toronto again, i'm to readjust to living back at home, as well as reaccustom myself to groups of friends (questionable?), and who i am to be in these groups. my mind has been a mess, losing ability to focus a thought on myself for long periods of time, and even more difficulty thinking of ways to improve myself, as well as muster motivation to do so.
in any case, back in unfamiliar toronto, it's my own responsibility to make it all familiar again, perhaps even more than that for once.
(i think i will see some interesting comments.)
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