i think i might be going through symptoms of depression.

self reflection can be a torment sometimes. to see how much i can avoid from thinking about myself this past while is an unexpected shock. including final assignment wrap-up, studying for exams, end of term hangouts, packing and unpacking, uprooting and resettling, it's been over a month of hustle-bustle and.. negligence. we are always too busy or too tired or too bored or too deserving of a break to dedicate time to think about ourselves, and as a result our actions occur by reflex.

coming back to toronto, even with a week of break after exams were finally over, i've tried so hard to sit myself down and think about what i have done for the past 4 months and what i need to change and improve. but in the end it's always talking to other people that's more important, or watching this show or that show or that hockey game is more entertaining and seductively unengaging. or i deserve to go out and "socialize" with people (which ends up being not that social).

amidst all those break activities as going out to eat with people, watching tv, playing games, and just totally turning off my brain, i barely manage to get some thinking time. it brings me a lot of shame to think of some events that have occured in the past month, different thought patterns that i've gotten into, and reflexive actions which show my lack of self-control and discipline. i am disappointed with the image that others see of me. i continually tell myself that i am someone with a lot of very positive qualities, but those qualities have never show and i can only see a victor with bad qualities.

call me pessimistic, but i know exactly what i've done wrong and have been doing wrong. first entry of the evaluating me series coming soon.

my insight article

i thought i'd post this up right before insight is issued for the term, and also before my last exam.

My Insight Article

Among the wide variety of courses in university, at least some of them would teach us a little bit about life. And for those that don’t, those people would twist their course material until it does (the engineers). Luckily for me, I don’t have to wait for the right opportunity for my engineering courses to come up with some obscure connection with something at the least life-related, because of the elective that I’m taking this term. Along with some brother and sister in CCF, I’m taking a course on the Apostle Paul and his epistles. This course gives a very fresh and unique perspective on the Bible that a Christian would never have. Some of the things that we read in the New Testament may be very typical sounding and almost trivial to us after hearing it so much, but with an in depth knowledge of the context, as well as an idea of the mind of the Apostle Paul, a much more rich understanding can be developed about his message, and of course, Christian living.

There is much that can be read in the text just by knowing more about the recipients of the letter. Paul’s purpose in writing letters is because there are issues in the church that require a higher authority in the early Christian faith to deal with. Since each church has its own problems, then the premise of each letter is also very different. Depending on the degree of the church’s problems, Paul’s tone and attitude toward them could be different as well. In addition, it is important to regard the social and cultural make-up of the church. The early church was established first in Jerusalem, and by the spread of the gospel, other churches were formed in the surrounding area. Even before the arrival of Jesus Christ, the continent had been taken over by Alexander the Great, and hence, the Greco-Roman Empire. Countries were destroyed and taken over, and survivors not wanting to fight any more have no choice but to be assimilated by the Roman government. The Romans created new cities and reconstructed old cities by their own form. The survivors try their best to retain their own culture and resist complete Greek domination. The result of this is an amalgamation of cultures and beliefs. This process, called Hellenization, is very prevalent among the churches that Paul addresses. After many years of the Greco-Roman takeover, the cities consist of a very wide range of people classes; from the slave to the rich. This too is reflective of the early Christian church. Did they have big churches back then? No, they would meet at separate homes and have small meetings, and then meet at the “marketplace” for large group meetings where they are susceptible to the message of other missionaries, Cynic philosophers, pagan mystery religion worshippers, or people that just want to scam for money.

Only with all these things in mind can one get a good image of what Paul has to deal with, and how he would respond to specific congregations. Paul generally follows a consistent letter structure in most of his letters, but in the letter to the Galatians, he does not use this structure. Unlike most other letters, he does not have a thanksgiving section after the salutation in the beginning of the letter. The reason for this is because Paul is absolutely furious at the Galatians. From a careful reading of Galatians, a few of their issues can be observed: the Galatians have been “preaching another gospel” (1:6), and have been holding onto the value of circumcision. Paul is angry at the Galatians because some of them have not accepted God’s free salvation for what it truly is, but have preached that the observance of the Law is needed to attain salvation, and are causing the entire congregation to follow this pattern. Paul responds in much anger and frustration for leading the congregation astray.

Paul uses the story of Abraham to challenge the Galatians, which is the main idea that I wanted to share with you. Whether Abraham was asked to pack up his life and move to a foreign land or to sacrifice his own son on the altar, he did so without complaining, and believed in the Lord. And this was “credited to him as righteousness”. For his faith, the Lord blessed him and blessed all the nations through Abraham. Later, Abraham was given the sign of the covenant, which was circumcision. Some years later, God also gave the Israelites the Law on Mount Sinai. But because the basis of God’s blessing was Abraham’s faith, then the Law is secondary to God’s promise to Abraham. It’s more important for us to have faith in God than to follow his Law and circumcision. In the new covenant, God has given us the gift of grace through Jesus Christ, and if one believes in him, he will have eternal life, and the seal of the Holy Spirit as the sign of the covenant. The motif of faith and trust is carried through in both covenants. Yet in Galatians 3:23, Paul describes the Galatians to be “held prisoners by the law” or “under the restraint of the law”. What Paul means is this: knowing that there is something much better being given to you, why would you stick with something less? A more accurate image can be seen in a better translation of the text. Paul uses the Greek word, paidagogos, to describe the law. Paul says so with a lot of contempt and sarcasm, because the meaning of the word will shock you. When families have children that are not mature enough to handle the freedom of walking to school on their own, the parents must hire someone to take them by the hand and guide them to school. Usually this person is a slave or a hired hand. This hired person is called a paidagogos. Paul equalized the Law, which God gave to the Jewish nations as a revelation of his will, to a babysitter or a nanny. Isn’t that a bit harsh? But why should you follow the Law when you are given the Holy Spirit, who intercedes and communicates with God on our behalf? If that is true, then why did God give us the Law? According to the analogy Paul has given, a paidagogos is needed for those not mature enough to handle themselves. A young child who is an heir cannot handle themselves, even though they have the status of an heir. They need to depend on someone to live, so the parents must hire a paidagogos. Before Christ, the Israelites needed someone to walk them through life by holding their hand through life. With the coming of Christ, we are a new creation. We believe in the power of Christ’s death and resurrection, and in Christ, we “grow” and become children of God and heirs according to God’s promise to Abraham.

Take a good read of Galatians 3 and think about this. After all this analysis into Paul’s letter, how should we as Christians today think about ourselves? Do you find yourself following some kind of legalistic ritual to work for your relationship with God? Are you trying to earn your salvation? Do you see your devotions failing, your prayer life slipping and your desire to seek God disappearing? And when that happens, do you desperately try to jump back on that speeding train of discipline? Of course there is good in discipline, but what good is it if you are trying to impress God with your works of piety? It is by grace that you have been saved, through faith; not by works, so that no one can boast. Why do you want to be a child and hold on to the paidagogos, when you are already adults? Are you like an adult that still wants to live like a child, not firmly grasping to your true level of maturity?

Recommended reading: Galatians 3, Romans 1-8, The Ragamuffin Gospel, by Brennan Manning.

exam lull

there was a seminary class where a prof one day, in the middle of his teaching, asked his entire class, "how many of you here do not believe in God?". many people raised their hand, including the prof. one of the students was so shocked to see that many of these people going into ministry did not even believe in God. he decided to ask one of those people putting their hand up: "so if you want to be in ministry, but you don't believe in God, then why are you in ministry?"

the answer he got was this: "because it's good money."

this term more than ever has spirituality been more academicized than ever. though nothing inerrantly wrong with these things, being a devotional leader and also studying Paul's life and letters has geared my mind to churning biblical insight. the demand for insight has caused me to change spirituality into a rigid formulaic science.

what is the difference between learning about Christianity and learning about other things, say school things? beside the element of the heart, learning about Christianity uses the exact same learning model as learning about learning about heat transfer.

exam schedule.. april 10, 11, 14, 17, 21. when i can finally think about stuff other than school, then i will write more.

during mating season, male peacocks would flare out their feathers in an extravagant manner and also emit very high pitched cry to get the females' attention. here is the picture of the grandiose peacock in action.

now the female would think one of two things. either the female thinks, wow this peacock is all pretty and extravagant and is a very respectable and honourable peacock. i could make good friends with this peacock.

or he could look to her like he's just so full of himself, so desperate for attention that he doesn't even realize how stupid he looks. he might as well ask her directly to "notice me, please!". this guy looks like an idiot.