i still remember at one of the periods of time where my mind was most undistracted, where i could evaluate myself of the essential questions, then i was asked, "what is it that you want?". i still remember my candid answer, "to have everything in my life go exactly the way you intend it." the laughter from the crowd i expected, but the pastor's response that it was the most honest and genuine answer all night, as well as the forced applause he requested of the rest of the group, i did not.

some 8 months later with the return of many distractions, the thought still remains in me with much force. it permeated throughout the fabric of life. like entering cheat codes for the level; i would drive through anything that got in the way; i held on tight, like caging a beast.. i was losing grip.

then it held on to me.

some nonchristian questions:

when do you know what you think is right, is right?
when do you actually get what you deserve?
do things ever go the way i intend it?
what do i do now?
how do i change?

... the answers are a flip of a mental switch... so should follow living(?).



so should follow the end of.. what i want.

evaluating me series part 1: sin

whenever there is an event that leads to be want to write about something, I prepare to write, but a few days later I end up not feeling like it, and soon enough, the thoughts slip away. as a result, I haven’t written anything for practically a month and people are wondering what’s going on. That is basically what’s been happening lately, and I’ve been finding stuff to fill up my time, with responsibilities and obligations here and there. So I’m using the time that is actually free time for me: at work! Isn’t that ironic.

One of the activities that I did at work was to make a list of all the things that I thought were wrong with me. It ended up being a rather comprehensive list, and by the time I was done, I felt pretty terrible about myself, but I thought I did the right thing. I don’t think I will put the entire list publicly, but I will talk about a couple in detail. Writing all of this was progressively harder and harder to write as it went on, because it not only required me to think of my bad qualities, but I’m telling the whole world about it too.

The layman’s definition of sin is missing the mark. Romans 3:23 says that “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” Sin is falling short of God’s expectations for you, namely Jesus. I think everybody knows that already, but a new concept to grasp comes from a mark driscoll sermon about sin that I heard. There is sin of COMMISSION and sin of OMISSION. Sin of commission is doing something that you shouldn’t do, and we’re all familiar with when that happens. Sin of omission is NOT doing something that you SHOULD do, and sometimes this is harder to detect. Therefore, it is worthwhile to spend more time to reflect more on our sins of omission in case we miss out on a lot of our own sins.

as a warm-blooded male, like most warm-blooded males, the most apparent sins are pride and lust. knowing that i am better at something than someone else, or i have a better reputation about something than someone else gives me a secured position at the top of.. something. there is this inexplicable competition of anything within me that i desperately try to win all the time. i don't understand why i just want to be at the top, but it just gives me a false sense that i'm alright, or that people/God would like/love me, or that it forms my identity. or perhaps it's a "I win, you lose" mindset, where i can say myself to be the winner, and everyone else as the loser. i think that do that with the smallest things, screaming out for attention. a little boy reaching out for his hand, waving frantically: look at me, look at me! and when people DO finally look, probably just to shut the kid up with his annoying attention hogging, then i'd feel like i've done my job right, and i would feel good. why, i don't know. i guess all of this wordless belittling is very contrary to the christian concept of love, where we should lift those that are less fortunate than us, and hence i've got this love thing completely the wrong way.

lust is a sensitive topic that most people would not want to talk about. some things are better not to be known by others. still, i'll say a few words, since i am evaluating me. the complete shutting off of the mind is a terrifying thing. that all the experiences, life lessons, sermons, bible studies, encouragements from friends, however profound or deep, can simply vanish from your mind when the flesh is aroused is astounding. here is a clear example that having the right knowledge about something can barely protect you. without self-control, without the delay of gratification, think about what a person can become. when someone gets whatever they want, whenever they want, no matter the costs... living for the present moment is sin. also, something else having to do with lust is the gorging of appetites. most would think sex is the only issue relating to gorging of appetites, but i think there is more to it. everything is okay in moderation, so pleasure should also be. i think i have the constant desire to enjoy myself, and the more fun the better. there is no problem with fun, but if i am always having fun, then firstly i would never want to do anything else but fun, and secondly, whenever i'm not having fun, then the withdrawal is painful. this too is why i decide i would never get a portable gaming device, because it enables you to be in entertainment constantly, even at the micro level of time, so ur mind will always be in fun mode, a pleasure/adrenaline high, making the rest of life mundane (moderation would indeed solve that problem, for those DS owners that think i'm crazy, but i still hold to my opinion)

within my things-wrong-with-me list, there are two more categories that the things can fit under. passivity and laziness. passivity, lack of courage, wuss, whatever you want to call it, was inherited from our wonderful father adam. when the serpent deceived eve and told her to eat the fruit, adam stood in the back and did not say or do anything. likewise, i too have the tendency to be passive. no courage to take some responsibility for my own mistakes or sins. no guts to try to fix your family life because you think it would lead to uncomfortableness, awkwardness, or perhaps more arguments. settling for what i already have because i'm already here, why would i bother to move? maybe i'm also not wanting to sacrifice something of mine for the betterment of someone else, some situation. selfish, aren't i.

then laziness. the unmotivation to get up. the neutral or negative outlook on things in life. the impatience to train and practice. avoiding hard work, avoiding discipline. laziness and passivity come hand in hand. i don't want to take responsibility, i don't want to move, i think i'll just stay put. with laziness, nothing moves. u just stay there like a lump. i think i am often guilty of that, not making use of our given willpower to get something done. so easily do i revert to the usual mode of neutrality, mediocrity, then nothing happens, and life is wasted.

pride, lust, passivity, laziness. wow almost can't believe i just wrote all of this, and for everyone to see. i'm glad that i realize all of these things in myself, and for those of you that think that all i think about is myself, i know that i am nowhere close to perfect. now for the solution part? i'm still working on that part. what i can say is.. no matter how hard i try, i cannot fix myself. it is freaking impossible, cuz all these things work together against me. when i want to fix myself, i get lazy. when i overcome laziness, i would get discouraged that i would lose my precious competitions. and so on. but i think knowing that i cannot physically do anything to make myself stop. therefore, only God can change me. only God can take away my sin and make me a new person. perhaps slowly and painfully, but surely, as it says in the bible. now whether i make any progress of it, how God does it, and what me and God have to do together for it to work.. i don't really know.

i think i might be going through symptoms of depression.

self reflection can be a torment sometimes. to see how much i can avoid from thinking about myself this past while is an unexpected shock. including final assignment wrap-up, studying for exams, end of term hangouts, packing and unpacking, uprooting and resettling, it's been over a month of hustle-bustle and.. negligence. we are always too busy or too tired or too bored or too deserving of a break to dedicate time to think about ourselves, and as a result our actions occur by reflex.

coming back to toronto, even with a week of break after exams were finally over, i've tried so hard to sit myself down and think about what i have done for the past 4 months and what i need to change and improve. but in the end it's always talking to other people that's more important, or watching this show or that show or that hockey game is more entertaining and seductively unengaging. or i deserve to go out and "socialize" with people (which ends up being not that social).

amidst all those break activities as going out to eat with people, watching tv, playing games, and just totally turning off my brain, i barely manage to get some thinking time. it brings me a lot of shame to think of some events that have occured in the past month, different thought patterns that i've gotten into, and reflexive actions which show my lack of self-control and discipline. i am disappointed with the image that others see of me. i continually tell myself that i am someone with a lot of very positive qualities, but those qualities have never show and i can only see a victor with bad qualities.

call me pessimistic, but i know exactly what i've done wrong and have been doing wrong. first entry of the evaluating me series coming soon.

my insight article

i thought i'd post this up right before insight is issued for the term, and also before my last exam.

My Insight Article

Among the wide variety of courses in university, at least some of them would teach us a little bit about life. And for those that don’t, those people would twist their course material until it does (the engineers). Luckily for me, I don’t have to wait for the right opportunity for my engineering courses to come up with some obscure connection with something at the least life-related, because of the elective that I’m taking this term. Along with some brother and sister in CCF, I’m taking a course on the Apostle Paul and his epistles. This course gives a very fresh and unique perspective on the Bible that a Christian would never have. Some of the things that we read in the New Testament may be very typical sounding and almost trivial to us after hearing it so much, but with an in depth knowledge of the context, as well as an idea of the mind of the Apostle Paul, a much more rich understanding can be developed about his message, and of course, Christian living.

There is much that can be read in the text just by knowing more about the recipients of the letter. Paul’s purpose in writing letters is because there are issues in the church that require a higher authority in the early Christian faith to deal with. Since each church has its own problems, then the premise of each letter is also very different. Depending on the degree of the church’s problems, Paul’s tone and attitude toward them could be different as well. In addition, it is important to regard the social and cultural make-up of the church. The early church was established first in Jerusalem, and by the spread of the gospel, other churches were formed in the surrounding area. Even before the arrival of Jesus Christ, the continent had been taken over by Alexander the Great, and hence, the Greco-Roman Empire. Countries were destroyed and taken over, and survivors not wanting to fight any more have no choice but to be assimilated by the Roman government. The Romans created new cities and reconstructed old cities by their own form. The survivors try their best to retain their own culture and resist complete Greek domination. The result of this is an amalgamation of cultures and beliefs. This process, called Hellenization, is very prevalent among the churches that Paul addresses. After many years of the Greco-Roman takeover, the cities consist of a very wide range of people classes; from the slave to the rich. This too is reflective of the early Christian church. Did they have big churches back then? No, they would meet at separate homes and have small meetings, and then meet at the “marketplace” for large group meetings where they are susceptible to the message of other missionaries, Cynic philosophers, pagan mystery religion worshippers, or people that just want to scam for money.

Only with all these things in mind can one get a good image of what Paul has to deal with, and how he would respond to specific congregations. Paul generally follows a consistent letter structure in most of his letters, but in the letter to the Galatians, he does not use this structure. Unlike most other letters, he does not have a thanksgiving section after the salutation in the beginning of the letter. The reason for this is because Paul is absolutely furious at the Galatians. From a careful reading of Galatians, a few of their issues can be observed: the Galatians have been “preaching another gospel” (1:6), and have been holding onto the value of circumcision. Paul is angry at the Galatians because some of them have not accepted God’s free salvation for what it truly is, but have preached that the observance of the Law is needed to attain salvation, and are causing the entire congregation to follow this pattern. Paul responds in much anger and frustration for leading the congregation astray.

Paul uses the story of Abraham to challenge the Galatians, which is the main idea that I wanted to share with you. Whether Abraham was asked to pack up his life and move to a foreign land or to sacrifice his own son on the altar, he did so without complaining, and believed in the Lord. And this was “credited to him as righteousness”. For his faith, the Lord blessed him and blessed all the nations through Abraham. Later, Abraham was given the sign of the covenant, which was circumcision. Some years later, God also gave the Israelites the Law on Mount Sinai. But because the basis of God’s blessing was Abraham’s faith, then the Law is secondary to God’s promise to Abraham. It’s more important for us to have faith in God than to follow his Law and circumcision. In the new covenant, God has given us the gift of grace through Jesus Christ, and if one believes in him, he will have eternal life, and the seal of the Holy Spirit as the sign of the covenant. The motif of faith and trust is carried through in both covenants. Yet in Galatians 3:23, Paul describes the Galatians to be “held prisoners by the law” or “under the restraint of the law”. What Paul means is this: knowing that there is something much better being given to you, why would you stick with something less? A more accurate image can be seen in a better translation of the text. Paul uses the Greek word, paidagogos, to describe the law. Paul says so with a lot of contempt and sarcasm, because the meaning of the word will shock you. When families have children that are not mature enough to handle the freedom of walking to school on their own, the parents must hire someone to take them by the hand and guide them to school. Usually this person is a slave or a hired hand. This hired person is called a paidagogos. Paul equalized the Law, which God gave to the Jewish nations as a revelation of his will, to a babysitter or a nanny. Isn’t that a bit harsh? But why should you follow the Law when you are given the Holy Spirit, who intercedes and communicates with God on our behalf? If that is true, then why did God give us the Law? According to the analogy Paul has given, a paidagogos is needed for those not mature enough to handle themselves. A young child who is an heir cannot handle themselves, even though they have the status of an heir. They need to depend on someone to live, so the parents must hire a paidagogos. Before Christ, the Israelites needed someone to walk them through life by holding their hand through life. With the coming of Christ, we are a new creation. We believe in the power of Christ’s death and resurrection, and in Christ, we “grow” and become children of God and heirs according to God’s promise to Abraham.

Take a good read of Galatians 3 and think about this. After all this analysis into Paul’s letter, how should we as Christians today think about ourselves? Do you find yourself following some kind of legalistic ritual to work for your relationship with God? Are you trying to earn your salvation? Do you see your devotions failing, your prayer life slipping and your desire to seek God disappearing? And when that happens, do you desperately try to jump back on that speeding train of discipline? Of course there is good in discipline, but what good is it if you are trying to impress God with your works of piety? It is by grace that you have been saved, through faith; not by works, so that no one can boast. Why do you want to be a child and hold on to the paidagogos, when you are already adults? Are you like an adult that still wants to live like a child, not firmly grasping to your true level of maturity?

Recommended reading: Galatians 3, Romans 1-8, The Ragamuffin Gospel, by Brennan Manning.