there wasn't a better time.
five years of engineering school finally over, an undecided future, and a group of friends which i lived through pain and joy with, there wasn't a better time. for the first time in my life, i believe i went on what most people would call a vacation. the guys have a talent (and a passion) for the planning and management of the trip, and my uninvolvement in it all resulted in feelings of unexpectedness of the number of bus rides, overnight train rides, flights and early mornings there were. our leader had said that many people responded to our itinenary with "you're all gonna puke in fatigue", and deep inside me, i started wondering where each of us hid our puke from everyone else.
tired is supposedly a familiar feeling in traveling, and over time i was starting to accept it, however unwillingly. the moving around was a lot and there wasn't much time to take a breath and think about what exactly i was doing (except in a checklist sort of way). now that it is all over, the wisdom veiled by activity began to emerge from its hiding place. i was fortunate to go to hong kong, kunming, da li, li jiang, xi'an, beijing, shanghai, huang shan and kota kinabalu, malaysia, and i only hope that the lessons and reminders of the trip will stay with me.
1. the world is becoming an increasing more global world. the new world is not the only dominant power on this earth, but the rest of the world moves at a considerable pace, if not a greater pace. we live our north american lives aware of what is happening around us, but our minds may only have the capacity to care for a few thousand kilometers away from our own home. when i arrived in asia, i saw the familiar drive to survive, to compete and to improve, just like in canada and america. workers in asia work much longer hours than we do. young people are able to have fun for longer than we do. cost of living is frightfully lower than ours. in many dimensions, it is just better in the other half of the world. living in this earth requires one to not just live in north america, but as a global citizen where countries as china or malaysia or wherever else are neighbours down the street.
2. life finds ways to make that apparent to you when events away from your home affect you directly. when i was in hong kong, it didn't occur to me that i had become involved in the lives the relatives that i lived with, and their lives in mine. not anymore than my waking up for breakfast with them, coming home late at night or watching tv next to them, and the occasional light chats. for the first time in my life (that i was both cognitive and decision capable), i had the choice to spend time with relatives. suddenly, family no longer involved in negative emotions ranging from annoying to frustrating to controllingly unreasonable. it's hard to admit that i would rather spend time with friends than with family, given my situation, but with a thread of obligation and some hope of good expectations, i saw myself spending some time with aunts, uncles, cousins, and all those relatives that the english language don't have names for. whenever i was with relatives, the back of my mind whispered, "victor, you don't actually have to be here with these people", yet i was. i guess it just seemed better when i was able to do things my own way, and i was started to become treated like a grown man capable of making my own decisions, capable of thinking and living. during family dinners, i could no longer just sit there and wait for my parents to talk to those relatives because they knew them more than i did (my parents probably didn't really know them well either), so it was up to me to talk. i don't actually have to talk to these people.
but knowing that they were my family, knowing people that were interested in what you were going to do with your life, people that bombarded you with material possessions to show their appreciation for you, people that made you breakfast every morning and did your laundry, then it becomes both necessary and worthy to invest in a relationship with these family members that you don't ever see. in the global world, your extended family is just a neighbour down the street.
3. the reason why i feel that family becomes a neighbour down the street requires a story. my great uncle wanted to take me out on a tour in the south region of hong kong and he said to bring my friends. he had asked me at least twice to go, so i agreed due to his insistence. we went on a bus to stanley and walked around. then we went to repulse bay. at repulse bay, we started to walk toward the beach. there was a single step. my uncle did not see it, and he missed his footing and fell like a rock. i had only saw his body fall from my peripheral vision, and by the time i faced him, he had already fallen. there was a dull thump and the matching sight of his head on concrete. it all had happened before my senses were able to process what exactly had happened, but panic set in fast enough. i ran over to him on the ground to see how he was. no expression of pain, no direction in vision showed that he wasn't conscious. everyone crowded around and i scrambled to look for help, feeling as if every second counted. i pulled out my cell phone and then realized 911 was not the number to dial here. then a nearby man shouted a phone number to call, and i dialed it without caring who i was dialing to. i explained the situation to the other end and they sent lifeguards to get him.
so he was lifted up when he recovered consciousness and brought to the lifeguard centre. an ambulance came and we were driven to the hospital (including me and the guys) and we went through the procedures. he had to stay overnight because they saw a shadow in his brain but did not know what it was. the whole ordeal happened to coincide with my farewell dinner with their family, and the dinner ended up not having him or his wife with us. the next day, his eye started bruising. before there was no visual signs of his injury and that was a relief for the family, but i think the bruising began to come out on the next day after he had slept and his body began to sort issues out. his arm began hurting from the fall. then i left hong kong.
the scene of my uncle falling, the lifeless eyes staring down at concrete, played in my head over and over again that day. my uncle isn't any better when i am away from hong kong. my aunt had sent me an email last week to tell me to give him a call and ask how he is doing. in the global world, life does not stop moving when you are not there. life cannot just be thought of as that which is moving close to you. my uncle may be getting better down the street, and it's not up to my aunt telling me to call for me to be concerned.
life, living and love.
part 2.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Friday, June 05, 2009
Saturday, April 11, 2009
needs a new model
"Risk is a turn-based game for two to six players and is played on a board depicting a stylized Napoleonic-era political map of the Earth, divided into forty-two territories, which are grouped into six continents. Players control armies with which they attempt to capture territories from other players. The goal of the game is "world domination," to control all the territories—or "conquer the world"—through the elimination of the other players. Using area movement, Risk ignores limitations such as the vast size of the world and the logistics of long campaigns."
Wednesday, April 01, 2009
final week of undergrad
in the weight of my own responsibility, the sight of the complete impossibility, the viselike crush of the hands of time,
only the imaginary music of comfort layers under the deafening silence of night, and my loneliness brings me deeper inside me.
oh, that a miracle would defeat these words.
and this heart of loneliness.
only the imaginary music of comfort layers under the deafening silence of night, and my loneliness brings me deeper inside me.
oh, that a miracle would defeat these words.
and this heart of loneliness.
Tuesday, March 03, 2009
25 not so random things about victor
I choose to do this not because I got tagged and I feel swayed to follow the trend. I couldn't care less about the trend and the pressure of everyone else doing it. But these may be things that I would want the people that I am closer with to know about me. This also functions as a reflective exercise for me and will be posted on my blog. I'm not going to be writing random stuff like everyone else is, but I am writing things that I find meaningful and would find useful for you to know.
1. I grew up going to church since kindergarten and still do so despite some of my family not being Christian. As such, Christianity and Jesus has become a crucial part of my identity, though there are countless downfalls that I have that may not reflect that.
2. If there is only one thing that I can do properly in my entire life, I know that I can sing. My singing skill has fluctuated over the years and I can't sing as well as I used to, but with some work I could maybe restore that. I think that this is God's gift to me that I can express myself like this.
3. I have become a person that values functionality over aesthetics. If something just simply looks good, then it's not good enough if it doesn't work. Everything must perform its function with over 90% efficiency and accuracy. This may or may not have to do with me going through engineering.
4. I am a pure romantic. I care excessively and emotionally for a lot of friends. Most of the time I find that I can only do as much as make the person feel supported emotionally, mentally, and sometimes physically (hunger, tiredness.. that kinda thing), and what I can do is nowhere close to what the person deserves. Oh, the pain of my inability :(.
5. I trust many people would have something to say about my careless and narcissistic nature. This has been a recently acquired trait. I can only attribute it to, at one point of my life, potentially in the past few years, not feeling that my opinion and identity mattered, as well as the pride in how good a person I thought I was. It is not a full-of-myself kind of pride, but a recognition that I was good at certain things and have achieved a certain status based on my life experiences. At this point, I believe that I can both be jokingly narcissistic and emotionally caring to the people around me. If you don't believe this and have comments or opinions about this, please talk to me.
6. When I was growing up, I evaluated that the cool people were cool because they were funny and they said things that people laughed at it. So I strived for that, and I think I succeeded now. There are two disadvantages though. Firstly, you will have a habit of making light of almost everything. Secondly, everyone would think that you are always happy, even if you actually aren't. This may cycle due to the fact that no one would ever wonder if you are truly doing okay or not.
7. As previously written before, I believe that to enjoy the time with a friend is not about what you do, but just the time with the friend. If you are focused on the doing, then you are not doing it right. My mom had taught us the same when she played cards with us when we were kids.
8. For the past while, my own thoughts have been contained within me. I cannot say what I think because bad things will happen, or people can't take it. I am continually reminded by the remark I made when I was on retreat in Montreal and my pastor said it was an admirable quality to be completely honest about wanting things to go exactly the way I want. I suppose most people hide behind other things to compromise. One day I will blow up. I compromise so much, I am getting tired of it.
9. As I will write about in the near future, I believe that the problems of the human nature are problems of the heart. Dealing with the problems of the heart with legalistic measures are completely useless and pointless. The flesh will find a way to get around your legalistic methods. It starts with the heart. Most sermons about sin should tell you that.
10. I value wisdom and intelligence very highly in life. This is one of the reasons why I do read a lot. The more exposure to ideas and thoughts, the more capable you are of applying knowledge. Conversely, incompetence and stupidity is a very big turn off for me. I understand that it is natural for people to make mistakes, and I know I need to be more understanding. Of course when I am doing something stupidly or incompetently, I get very angry and disappointed at myself (ie school).
11. I think that I read a lot, and have done so over the years. I have been aiming to create my own library. Unfortunately, reading has become more just a thing to do other than absorbing and applying the knowledge well. I also am more ready to buy a book and start a book than finishing a book.
12. The English language is one of the greatest things I have learned in my life: its flexibility and its rigidity, its beauty and descriptive power, and its creative space. I don't believe that it should be abused (words not used by their proper definitions). I have strived to write English with more and more beauty and power, but I have a lot to learn.
13. Video games, tv, and such similar entertainment is a double-edged sword. There is nothing wrong in their entertainment value (unless you are being entertained by something that you shouldn't be entertained with), but exposed entertainment conditions you to hunger constantly for such entertainment. It can easily go out of control and even the hunger for it can dominate your life, let alone the actual entertainment itself. This is why our parents restricted our tv/video game times to a certain amount of time when we were kids: delayed gratification.
14. Similar to 13, music is also a double-edged sword. I have heard people say statements like "music is my life" or "music on, world off", and I can see why. I too love and appreciate music and listen to a lot of it. But music has such a direct link to our emotional being that listening to the wrong kind of music (or the a kind of music excessively) could manipulate our emotions improperly. Very strong control over your emotions may be needed to get over this. Then music becomes something to be enjoyed, and something to be used to express yourself.
15. I have grown to love eating food. I will eat almost anything nowadays, with one exception. I do not and will not eat Japanese food. People have tried forcing me to and have failed. I recently had Japanese food in Vancouver just because I was in Vancouver, and will not again. Let this dismiss any hopes of you trying to get me to eat any more Japanese food. I will make some compromises if I MUST.
16. One of the things I want to become good at is cooking. Over the past 5 years of university, I can say that I am able to make some good food, but I still have a lot to learn. Food brings people together, and can make your girlfriend/wife really happy. I want to make people and girlfriend and wife happy. Also, I like to eat food. If I can make good food, then everyone will be happy.
17. The triumph of good over evil is one of the favourite things in my life. This explains my love for adrenaline rushing movies of intense fighting, epic (a word now becoming way overused :@) battles of armies, and of course, Lord of the Rings and the Tolkien world, and even more of course, the Bible. Good will always triumph over evil.
18. I believe that credit must be given to those that deserve it. If someone does a good job at something, then they deserve to be acknowledged and appreciated. It is an injustice for someone to do a good job at something and not be appreciated for it in a way that the person can feel appreciated. It is also an injustice for the friend that does much for someone but not get anything back in return, and I hate being the butt end of that (I have been many times)
19. I believe that men should live according to the biblical role of a man. Men are to be the provider of the family and the lover and supporter of their wife. Men should dedicate their lives in working for the purpose of providing for their wife and family. They must protect them and keep them safe. And really, it doesn't have to be in the Bible for you guys to know that. Whenever I get too lazy to do work, I need to remind myself of this.
20. The family unit is the most vital part of any person's life. The condition of a family unit can make or break the quality and character of a person and their life. I do not think that the condition of my family is very good, and if it were better, I may be a much better person than I am now. Being the youngest in the family, I have always felt powerless to do anything to "fix" my family, but by God's grace, I hope that He can change that.
21. I do not have a career path yet. With an engineering degree, it is likely that I would try to find an engineering job, and am doing so now, but I do not believe that engineering is my passion. In fact, I think engineering is boring. Any of the interests that I've already mentioned may be a suitable career path, but something that I have not mentioned yet is teaching. I think I am a good tutor, and I care about people in a way that value their acquiring of knowledge. This would be the next likely occupation that has stability.
22. I wished that I could be closer friends with a lot more people. Unfortunately that probably will not happen.
23. I talk to a lot of people via instant messaging. I recently counted that I consistently talked to 16 people, and the number of girls is only slightly higher than the number of guys. I started instant messaging in Grade 7, and almost haven't stopped, except for various short hiatus. I don't think I am addicted, but definitely am conditioned to chatting, at the least. I think I really like talking to my friends, but I seem to be able to do a better job online than in real life. I wish it wasn't that way. It makes me sound like a social recluse.
24. We all need to say how we feel about ourselves and of the people around you more often. This is so that we could encourage them and let them know that they are appreciated, or they need to change something in their lives. I wrote an honest email to a number of friends just to tell them that I had a good weekend and enjoyed the time with them and that I appreciated them, and I had a very good response. Its frankness was a shock to many, almost as if I was writing them my suicide letter (that was funny haha). At this moment, I feel that I have emptied a lot of myself in writing all of this, and some of the frankness in writing this may shock people.
25. I am waiting for the second most beautiful and wonderful and life changing thing to happen. I can't wait to meet the girl that I will be with for the rest of my life, and will love and cherish her with my entire being. I probably don't know what to do at all, but I hope I can be the man can give her all that she deserves.
1. I grew up going to church since kindergarten and still do so despite some of my family not being Christian. As such, Christianity and Jesus has become a crucial part of my identity, though there are countless downfalls that I have that may not reflect that.
2. If there is only one thing that I can do properly in my entire life, I know that I can sing. My singing skill has fluctuated over the years and I can't sing as well as I used to, but with some work I could maybe restore that. I think that this is God's gift to me that I can express myself like this.
3. I have become a person that values functionality over aesthetics. If something just simply looks good, then it's not good enough if it doesn't work. Everything must perform its function with over 90% efficiency and accuracy. This may or may not have to do with me going through engineering.
4. I am a pure romantic. I care excessively and emotionally for a lot of friends. Most of the time I find that I can only do as much as make the person feel supported emotionally, mentally, and sometimes physically (hunger, tiredness.. that kinda thing), and what I can do is nowhere close to what the person deserves. Oh, the pain of my inability :(.
5. I trust many people would have something to say about my careless and narcissistic nature. This has been a recently acquired trait. I can only attribute it to, at one point of my life, potentially in the past few years, not feeling that my opinion and identity mattered, as well as the pride in how good a person I thought I was. It is not a full-of-myself kind of pride, but a recognition that I was good at certain things and have achieved a certain status based on my life experiences. At this point, I believe that I can both be jokingly narcissistic and emotionally caring to the people around me. If you don't believe this and have comments or opinions about this, please talk to me.
6. When I was growing up, I evaluated that the cool people were cool because they were funny and they said things that people laughed at it. So I strived for that, and I think I succeeded now. There are two disadvantages though. Firstly, you will have a habit of making light of almost everything. Secondly, everyone would think that you are always happy, even if you actually aren't. This may cycle due to the fact that no one would ever wonder if you are truly doing okay or not.
7. As previously written before, I believe that to enjoy the time with a friend is not about what you do, but just the time with the friend. If you are focused on the doing, then you are not doing it right. My mom had taught us the same when she played cards with us when we were kids.
8. For the past while, my own thoughts have been contained within me. I cannot say what I think because bad things will happen, or people can't take it. I am continually reminded by the remark I made when I was on retreat in Montreal and my pastor said it was an admirable quality to be completely honest about wanting things to go exactly the way I want. I suppose most people hide behind other things to compromise. One day I will blow up. I compromise so much, I am getting tired of it.
9. As I will write about in the near future, I believe that the problems of the human nature are problems of the heart. Dealing with the problems of the heart with legalistic measures are completely useless and pointless. The flesh will find a way to get around your legalistic methods. It starts with the heart. Most sermons about sin should tell you that.
10. I value wisdom and intelligence very highly in life. This is one of the reasons why I do read a lot. The more exposure to ideas and thoughts, the more capable you are of applying knowledge. Conversely, incompetence and stupidity is a very big turn off for me. I understand that it is natural for people to make mistakes, and I know I need to be more understanding. Of course when I am doing something stupidly or incompetently, I get very angry and disappointed at myself (ie school).
11. I think that I read a lot, and have done so over the years. I have been aiming to create my own library. Unfortunately, reading has become more just a thing to do other than absorbing and applying the knowledge well. I also am more ready to buy a book and start a book than finishing a book.
12. The English language is one of the greatest things I have learned in my life: its flexibility and its rigidity, its beauty and descriptive power, and its creative space. I don't believe that it should be abused (words not used by their proper definitions). I have strived to write English with more and more beauty and power, but I have a lot to learn.
13. Video games, tv, and such similar entertainment is a double-edged sword. There is nothing wrong in their entertainment value (unless you are being entertained by something that you shouldn't be entertained with), but exposed entertainment conditions you to hunger constantly for such entertainment. It can easily go out of control and even the hunger for it can dominate your life, let alone the actual entertainment itself. This is why our parents restricted our tv/video game times to a certain amount of time when we were kids: delayed gratification.
14. Similar to 13, music is also a double-edged sword. I have heard people say statements like "music is my life" or "music on, world off", and I can see why. I too love and appreciate music and listen to a lot of it. But music has such a direct link to our emotional being that listening to the wrong kind of music (or the a kind of music excessively) could manipulate our emotions improperly. Very strong control over your emotions may be needed to get over this. Then music becomes something to be enjoyed, and something to be used to express yourself.
15. I have grown to love eating food. I will eat almost anything nowadays, with one exception. I do not and will not eat Japanese food. People have tried forcing me to and have failed. I recently had Japanese food in Vancouver just because I was in Vancouver, and will not again. Let this dismiss any hopes of you trying to get me to eat any more Japanese food. I will make some compromises if I MUST.
16. One of the things I want to become good at is cooking. Over the past 5 years of university, I can say that I am able to make some good food, but I still have a lot to learn. Food brings people together, and can make your girlfriend/wife really happy. I want to make people and girlfriend and wife happy. Also, I like to eat food. If I can make good food, then everyone will be happy.
17. The triumph of good over evil is one of the favourite things in my life. This explains my love for adrenaline rushing movies of intense fighting, epic (a word now becoming way overused :@) battles of armies, and of course, Lord of the Rings and the Tolkien world, and even more of course, the Bible. Good will always triumph over evil.
18. I believe that credit must be given to those that deserve it. If someone does a good job at something, then they deserve to be acknowledged and appreciated. It is an injustice for someone to do a good job at something and not be appreciated for it in a way that the person can feel appreciated. It is also an injustice for the friend that does much for someone but not get anything back in return, and I hate being the butt end of that (I have been many times)
19. I believe that men should live according to the biblical role of a man. Men are to be the provider of the family and the lover and supporter of their wife. Men should dedicate their lives in working for the purpose of providing for their wife and family. They must protect them and keep them safe. And really, it doesn't have to be in the Bible for you guys to know that. Whenever I get too lazy to do work, I need to remind myself of this.
20. The family unit is the most vital part of any person's life. The condition of a family unit can make or break the quality and character of a person and their life. I do not think that the condition of my family is very good, and if it were better, I may be a much better person than I am now. Being the youngest in the family, I have always felt powerless to do anything to "fix" my family, but by God's grace, I hope that He can change that.
21. I do not have a career path yet. With an engineering degree, it is likely that I would try to find an engineering job, and am doing so now, but I do not believe that engineering is my passion. In fact, I think engineering is boring. Any of the interests that I've already mentioned may be a suitable career path, but something that I have not mentioned yet is teaching. I think I am a good tutor, and I care about people in a way that value their acquiring of knowledge. This would be the next likely occupation that has stability.
22. I wished that I could be closer friends with a lot more people. Unfortunately that probably will not happen.
23. I talk to a lot of people via instant messaging. I recently counted that I consistently talked to 16 people, and the number of girls is only slightly higher than the number of guys. I started instant messaging in Grade 7, and almost haven't stopped, except for various short hiatus. I don't think I am addicted, but definitely am conditioned to chatting, at the least. I think I really like talking to my friends, but I seem to be able to do a better job online than in real life. I wish it wasn't that way. It makes me sound like a social recluse.
24. We all need to say how we feel about ourselves and of the people around you more often. This is so that we could encourage them and let them know that they are appreciated, or they need to change something in their lives. I wrote an honest email to a number of friends just to tell them that I had a good weekend and enjoyed the time with them and that I appreciated them, and I had a very good response. Its frankness was a shock to many, almost as if I was writing them my suicide letter (that was funny haha). At this moment, I feel that I have emptied a lot of myself in writing all of this, and some of the frankness in writing this may shock people.
25. I am waiting for the second most beautiful and wonderful and life changing thing to happen. I can't wait to meet the girl that I will be with for the rest of my life, and will love and cherish her with my entire being. I probably don't know what to do at all, but I hope I can be the man can give her all that she deserves.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)