since graduating from teacher's college, many people have asked me how everything went and what's in store for the future. i've started to struggle with how to answer them, because i had a change of heart.
during grade 10 Gideon winter retreat, steve hawkins was the speaker and one anecdote was particularly memorable to me (or i THINK i was from then). stores like walmart usually have a greeter at the door to greet customers. "hi how are you doing today sir? welcome to walmart". the usual response? "good" or "okay" or "i am fine, thank you". these are expected responses and no one would bat an eye with these responses. and that's because deep down when people ask that question, they don't actually care about how these strangers are doing. so if a person truly takes the question seriously and responds to the greeter with "i'm really not doing so good right now. the job market's been so tough, and my mom recently passed away, and my siblings won't help with the funeral work so i have to do all of it while juggling my kids and trying to put food on the table and..." and so on. the greeter would be taken back and would not know how to respond. because the greeter is already expecting the usual responses. in a world littered with trivial pleasantries, i never liked the truth that people generally don't mean what they say when they ask how they are. something for everyone to think about.
i found myself in similar situations where i would be the one providing the unexpected response, it was up to me to deftly handle the awkward moments. how do you tell someone that you quit your job to go to teacher's college and then you don't want to be a teacher anymore? how do you respond to all the "what the hell is wrong with you?" faces that i was bound to receive?
it's well known to most people that my attitude towards school had become one where school was considered something already easily conquered and in the past. with such confidence, and my reliance on intuitive smarts, much of my powers of observation could be spent on evaluating the teaching industry and the teaching profession itself, and whether it was truly a good fit for me.
this has become a struggle that i had not anticipated when graduating. a result in completing the degree meant opening an addition door for me, but it's become that now i may have too many doors to choose from.
my strengths in teaching
-content knowledge
-ability to discover root of a student's learning struggle and address it directly
-creating some decent lessons, depending on the topic
benefits of teaching
-summers off
-satisfaction of helping kids learn and contribute to paving their future (but it's quite a momentary feeling)
-early end of school day
-utilize what i know to be a spiritual gift of mine (teaching)
-chance to help kids mature (these opportunities are a LOT harder to come by than you would think)
-a place where you don't have to hide your real personality with professionalism (to a certain degree)
-part of a union?
obstacles encountered and foreseen
-classroom management and disciplining (behavioural issues from students)
-dealing with immaturity, impoliteness and other stupid crap
-lack of control of the type of students you deal with and the courses you will teach
-less than ideal paper management (inputs almost always come in mass paper form)
-administrative juggling coupled with constant interruptions, generally requesting to fight fires that are out of your control (students asking you pointless stuff while you're occupied)
-early start time with virtually no flexibility
-required accountability of your lesson plans/long term curriculum planning towards school administration in addition to the required accountability of your student behaviours and results to parents
-competition in the field
-the interview process and the focus on education jargon instead of your ability to teach content
-the amount of time required to do lesson planning and marking (worked from end of 3pm to 1am once)
-the amount of time required for all these things to change (approximately 5 years)
-no vacation time during the school year?
-money?
that's as complete of a list as i've made on paper. once i had a conversation (among many conversations) about not pursuing teaching, and he said "some of those reasons are just shit that you have to suck up and deal with." my response was "and it is my choice as to what type of shit that i want to deal with".
so what happens now? one last post.
Wednesday, November 19, 2014
Wednesday, July 16, 2014
two pages, double spaced, part two
the most valuable lesson of teacher's college was not how they trained me to become a great teacher. the most important thing i learned was the pros and cons of teaching in a public high school. as my year of teacher's college approached an end, i began to change my mind about the teaching profession.
the queens teacher's college program operates as follows: there is a consecutive (meaning subsequently after) program where people that have already completed a degree can do an additional year of schooling to learn about education to supplement their degree. then there is the concurrent (meaning existing simultaneously or side by side) program where undergrads will need to first acquire their four year undergraduate degree in whatever and also take education courses on the side. these are what are actually called colloquially as "con ed students". after graduating from their undergrad, they will take a fifth year, which is the teacher year where they focus on education. this year is shared with consecutive students.
teacher candidates alternate between schooling and practicum experience. practicum schools are assigned to you based on a list of your top 4 school boards. school started in september. in october i had 3 weeks of practicum experience at one high school in my first teachable (math). i was required to teach just one course and shadow the rest of the time. i returned to kingston for more school, and my second practicum slot was in december, and it lasted for 3 weeks at the same school. i was required to teach the same course as before and add one more course to my teaching load. in january i returned to kingston. in february i have a 4 week practicum with another school in my second teachable (physics). i have march break (same time as the kids!) and then i start my 3 week alternative practicum (more on that later). i return in kingston in april for one last month of school and the program is complete.
i've gained an inexplicable connection with mississauga. two co-op terms and many friends either lived there or moved there. peel region was my third choice among school boards and that's where i was placed. over toronto and york region, which would both be geographically closer. in my practicum class, where they gather all the students doing practicum in a geographic region, i was the only person that lives in toronto (though not living farthest away like my buddies from acton or grimsby hahaha).
my engineering education has not only crafted my character but my approach to learning. i wanted to exert the least amount of effort for the most completion and best results. turns out that going through engineering, arguably one of the most rigorous post secondary educations intellectually and emotionally, really can make everything else easy. the most challenging parts of teacher's college were:
-mandatory attendance, especially at 8:30am
-listening to all that blathering about absolutely nothing in pretty much every single lecture and not blowing my brains out. it was like listening to a lawnmower for a year
-countless reflection papers, sometimes requiring academic references (a completely new process for me)
-coordinating group meetings with other people. yes this was a challenge because there were too many group meetings
-doing a project with randoms, where leaders only discretely emerge and never publicly declared, and slackers just as discretely can slack
-the emotions that came with the dread and despair of the amount of competition is in the teaching field and how many hoops need to be jumped through, delivered to us through pseudo-mandatory speaker sessions, obviously and profusely sugar coated
-that girl-guy, white-asian ratio. not particularly challenging but required a little navigating
-being older than everyone, having experienced some living and then become surrounded by a bunch of kids. you don't realize you've grown up until you are surrounded by younger folks and realize that they look up to you
as you can see, teacher's college had some tough times, but overall it wasn't hard at all. deadlines were spread out, and there was so much leeway given by profs that i could take advantage of them really easily. my life experience from engineering as well as in working helped me to exploit every loophole, weigh importance of everything, so that i could do as little work as possible without actually looking like i am not working. so in the end, i got a 3.93 GPA in my first term and a perfect 4.0 GPA in the second term. suck on that, queens.
all of you could have guessed that i can handle teacher's college just fine. more thoughts to come.
the queens teacher's college program operates as follows: there is a consecutive (meaning subsequently after) program where people that have already completed a degree can do an additional year of schooling to learn about education to supplement their degree. then there is the concurrent (meaning existing simultaneously or side by side) program where undergrads will need to first acquire their four year undergraduate degree in whatever and also take education courses on the side. these are what are actually called colloquially as "con ed students". after graduating from their undergrad, they will take a fifth year, which is the teacher year where they focus on education. this year is shared with consecutive students.
teacher candidates alternate between schooling and practicum experience. practicum schools are assigned to you based on a list of your top 4 school boards. school started in september. in october i had 3 weeks of practicum experience at one high school in my first teachable (math). i was required to teach just one course and shadow the rest of the time. i returned to kingston for more school, and my second practicum slot was in december, and it lasted for 3 weeks at the same school. i was required to teach the same course as before and add one more course to my teaching load. in january i returned to kingston. in february i have a 4 week practicum with another school in my second teachable (physics). i have march break (same time as the kids!) and then i start my 3 week alternative practicum (more on that later). i return in kingston in april for one last month of school and the program is complete.
i've gained an inexplicable connection with mississauga. two co-op terms and many friends either lived there or moved there. peel region was my third choice among school boards and that's where i was placed. over toronto and york region, which would both be geographically closer. in my practicum class, where they gather all the students doing practicum in a geographic region, i was the only person that lives in toronto (though not living farthest away like my buddies from acton or grimsby hahaha).
my engineering education has not only crafted my character but my approach to learning. i wanted to exert the least amount of effort for the most completion and best results. turns out that going through engineering, arguably one of the most rigorous post secondary educations intellectually and emotionally, really can make everything else easy. the most challenging parts of teacher's college were:
-mandatory attendance, especially at 8:30am
-listening to all that blathering about absolutely nothing in pretty much every single lecture and not blowing my brains out. it was like listening to a lawnmower for a year
-countless reflection papers, sometimes requiring academic references (a completely new process for me)
-coordinating group meetings with other people. yes this was a challenge because there were too many group meetings
-doing a project with randoms, where leaders only discretely emerge and never publicly declared, and slackers just as discretely can slack
-the emotions that came with the dread and despair of the amount of competition is in the teaching field and how many hoops need to be jumped through, delivered to us through pseudo-mandatory speaker sessions, obviously and profusely sugar coated
-that girl-guy, white-asian ratio. not particularly challenging but required a little navigating
-being older than everyone, having experienced some living and then become surrounded by a bunch of kids. you don't realize you've grown up until you are surrounded by younger folks and realize that they look up to you
as you can see, teacher's college had some tough times, but overall it wasn't hard at all. deadlines were spread out, and there was so much leeway given by profs that i could take advantage of them really easily. my life experience from engineering as well as in working helped me to exploit every loophole, weigh importance of everything, so that i could do as little work as possible without actually looking like i am not working. so in the end, i got a 3.93 GPA in my first term and a perfect 4.0 GPA in the second term. suck on that, queens.
all of you could have guessed that i can handle teacher's college just fine. more thoughts to come.
Tuesday, April 29, 2014
two pages, double spaced, part one.
the queens teacher's college year comes to a close this wednesday april 30. a pillar of teacher's college education is the reflection paper, and we've had to do so many that it has become trite. all the students know what they are looking for, so we give them what they want. despite that, i have been doing my own reflection that i take more seriously. i'll write down a few points here in several posts, because i still need some time to go through my thoughts for the whole year.
**
this year has been a time of meeting new people. in fact i have met a lot more people this year than probably the past five years combined. when i started this program, i did not think it would happen this way but it was a surprise. what i did know early on was that the entire education program had around 600 students, which can be further segregated into different categories. realistically, i would only have the reach of my 5 classes x ~25 students per class = 125 students if interacting with people at 100% effectiveness. that isn't realistic, and i probably fired at more like 10-15%.
but i went into it fairly excited because i had decided this was a year to be away from the chinese christian bubble that i was deep into when i was in waterloo. it was a good chance to become friends with non-christians find a chance to share the gospel (wasn't good at that). the most apparent thing to me had been the age difference. the majority of students here graduated from their undergrad on the previous year, which would make me 5 years older. everyone i've met are mature 23 year olds with some morality that are decently hard working and strive to become good teachers. i participated in their conversations, but the age difference was clear for me. life experience and working made me care less about the outcome of school work. effort wasn't worth it without payout (effort wasn't worth it for me even when i had payout). perhaps it was a confidence that i didn't have to care about anything yet everything will be okay, because i believed that i've done what's needed in the present, and will have what it takes in an uncertain future. maybe i felt older because i haven't truly changed my view that i was supposed to become a student.
meeting people took a quick and progressive turn as there were previous waterloo grads in the program. i took the momentum into my own hands and managed to create a community of chinese christians which i spent the majority of my time with. more on that another time.
here is the lesson that i gained from all this meeting people talk. meeting students is one thing but it was the most amazing meeting people that were:
1. passionate about what they do
2. are good at what they are doing
3. are willing to help you become passionate/become good at their craft
i saw this firstly with some of the profs i had. i had okay relationship with a few of the profs, and found i was able to have more honest conversations with them than i ever did with profs. maybe part of me felt unable to be completely open with the younger folk and the profs were maybe closer in maturity than me? that was funny to think about, that i was old enough to talk to 50+ year olds.
secondly i started going on practicums where i had to work directly with two different associate teachers (as well as their colleagues in the dept, of which some had more impact on me than others). i got an unpaid internship at desire2learn inc no thanks to myself and met many people in my department willing to help me, teach me and become friends at least for the short term. in fact, these were all people that were teaching and preparing me to make an opportunity for myself in the future. my natural response was gratefulness for their efforts, and a slight feeling of being in debt to them too. i also felt a lot of respect for these people who were good in their field, that they are capable of teaching me, yet still do their jobs well.
by now i feel like i have a few people up on pedestals, either by way of respect/gratitude/in debt, or by way of friendship appreciation. i made efforts to network and stay connected with work people, and i've added more people to my network of regular keep up friends to the point that even i thought i was outdoing myself. wouldn't put down my phone. i did my best to create socially successful situations, i provided extra attention to others where necessary, and tried to manage it all like i was conducting an orchestra. it was all a work of art.
i remember that "all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." all the people that i love, and all the people that i respect and am in debt to, are sinners just like i am. those people have been great to me, and others have just been average acquaintances, but everyone needs a saviour just like i do. those pedestals don't bring them any closer to Christ. i need to garner my expectations from a reactive place of sheer gratitude/appreciation and couple it with the doctrine that what people do can be valuable but it does not earn our salvation.
the search for love and for passion is on the hearts of everyone, but it must be rooted in the desire for people to know Christ. otherwise everything will go out of control.
**
this year has been a time of meeting new people. in fact i have met a lot more people this year than probably the past five years combined. when i started this program, i did not think it would happen this way but it was a surprise. what i did know early on was that the entire education program had around 600 students, which can be further segregated into different categories. realistically, i would only have the reach of my 5 classes x ~25 students per class = 125 students if interacting with people at 100% effectiveness. that isn't realistic, and i probably fired at more like 10-15%.
but i went into it fairly excited because i had decided this was a year to be away from the chinese christian bubble that i was deep into when i was in waterloo. it was a good chance to become friends with non-christians find a chance to share the gospel (wasn't good at that). the most apparent thing to me had been the age difference. the majority of students here graduated from their undergrad on the previous year, which would make me 5 years older. everyone i've met are mature 23 year olds with some morality that are decently hard working and strive to become good teachers. i participated in their conversations, but the age difference was clear for me. life experience and working made me care less about the outcome of school work. effort wasn't worth it without payout (effort wasn't worth it for me even when i had payout). perhaps it was a confidence that i didn't have to care about anything yet everything will be okay, because i believed that i've done what's needed in the present, and will have what it takes in an uncertain future. maybe i felt older because i haven't truly changed my view that i was supposed to become a student.
meeting people took a quick and progressive turn as there were previous waterloo grads in the program. i took the momentum into my own hands and managed to create a community of chinese christians which i spent the majority of my time with. more on that another time.
here is the lesson that i gained from all this meeting people talk. meeting students is one thing but it was the most amazing meeting people that were:
1. passionate about what they do
2. are good at what they are doing
3. are willing to help you become passionate/become good at their craft
i saw this firstly with some of the profs i had. i had okay relationship with a few of the profs, and found i was able to have more honest conversations with them than i ever did with profs. maybe part of me felt unable to be completely open with the younger folk and the profs were maybe closer in maturity than me? that was funny to think about, that i was old enough to talk to 50+ year olds.
secondly i started going on practicums where i had to work directly with two different associate teachers (as well as their colleagues in the dept, of which some had more impact on me than others). i got an unpaid internship at desire2learn inc no thanks to myself and met many people in my department willing to help me, teach me and become friends at least for the short term. in fact, these were all people that were teaching and preparing me to make an opportunity for myself in the future. my natural response was gratefulness for their efforts, and a slight feeling of being in debt to them too. i also felt a lot of respect for these people who were good in their field, that they are capable of teaching me, yet still do their jobs well.
by now i feel like i have a few people up on pedestals, either by way of respect/gratitude/in debt, or by way of friendship appreciation. i made efforts to network and stay connected with work people, and i've added more people to my network of regular keep up friends to the point that even i thought i was outdoing myself. wouldn't put down my phone. i did my best to create socially successful situations, i provided extra attention to others where necessary, and tried to manage it all like i was conducting an orchestra. it was all a work of art.
i remember that "all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." all the people that i love, and all the people that i respect and am in debt to, are sinners just like i am. those people have been great to me, and others have just been average acquaintances, but everyone needs a saviour just like i do. those pedestals don't bring them any closer to Christ. i need to garner my expectations from a reactive place of sheer gratitude/appreciation and couple it with the doctrine that what people do can be valuable but it does not earn our salvation.
the search for love and for passion is on the hearts of everyone, but it must be rooted in the desire for people to know Christ. otherwise everything will go out of control.
Sunday, April 20, 2014
two X fourteen = twentyeight
say whatever youth related cliche you want, but when one can start recalling a memory with the phrase "10 years ago.." where the memory is when you are an adult, then you have surpassed the cliches. you are no longer young at heart. no matter what life stage you are, you are a full fledged adult living an adult life. i came to this realization a few years earlier but now that i have 28, "10 years ago" was 18, considered the official age of adulthood. perhaps last year i psyched myself out with some panic about my life direction, but this year there is no turning back.
don't get me wrong though. when i say that i am old, it is almost always not in a negative light. i do have a level of anxiety regarding life direction just like anyone else would. i recognize that i have taken a step back in the general perceived pace of both career path and with relationships compared to the many of my peers, and with that are their associated challenges. but being older has also been a celebration of collected experiences that can be rummaged through like a case of miscellaneous trophies, perhaps taken out to admire and reflect upon at the right moment. younger folk have empty cases.
for me, it's also been a relief not to have to go through certain firsts again. at least now they will be seconds or thirds. my signature cynicism is still accepting applicants, but current members need not reapply. for a slower admission, i would have a bit of relief.
one of the most valuable parts of age is.. backing. my life experience gives me backing for the future.
in honour of twenty eight years, this is written based on the numerology as written in the title. and so, here are fourteen dualities for you to think about. and for me to decide.
******************************************************************************************************************************************************
introversion - in the quiet. in the stillness. watch, think, observe, learn.
extroversion - a life of the party, while secretly drawing in outsiders to create life of their own.
******************************************************************************************************************************************************
tragedy - welcomes pain because adapted to pain, absorb pain. romanticizing sacrifice.
comedy - everything is funny. let's make everyone's day!
******************************************************************************************************************************************************
compassion - i don't shy away from pain but i want to take it away from everyone else.
narcissism - my way or the highway. can't see you can't hear you.
******************************************************************************************************************************************************
visionary - inspire machine, seek for me a new song, a new idea. paint for me a palette of new futures.
execution - right now, you can't stop me from doing anything else but this. damn right i'm good at it.
******************************************************************************************************************************************************
diligence - goal setting, focus, brute force, silence until completion.
apathy - freecell.
******************************************************************************************************************************************************
bitterness - it's half empty because.
acceptance - there isn't any way you can come to me that i will not accept.
******************************************************************************************************************************************************
creation - give every opportunity to fail 100 times just for the 1 masterpiece.
consumption - i'm here thirsting for analysis, for thinking, for knowledge, for news, for sports news, for entertainment news, for movies, for shows. for just sitting here, consuming.
******************************************************************************************************************************************************
don't get me wrong though. when i say that i am old, it is almost always not in a negative light. i do have a level of anxiety regarding life direction just like anyone else would. i recognize that i have taken a step back in the general perceived pace of both career path and with relationships compared to the many of my peers, and with that are their associated challenges. but being older has also been a celebration of collected experiences that can be rummaged through like a case of miscellaneous trophies, perhaps taken out to admire and reflect upon at the right moment. younger folk have empty cases.
for me, it's also been a relief not to have to go through certain firsts again. at least now they will be seconds or thirds. my signature cynicism is still accepting applicants, but current members need not reapply. for a slower admission, i would have a bit of relief.
one of the most valuable parts of age is.. backing. my life experience gives me backing for the future.
in honour of twenty eight years, this is written based on the numerology as written in the title. and so, here are fourteen dualities for you to think about. and for me to decide.
******************************************************************************************************************************************************
introversion - in the quiet. in the stillness. watch, think, observe, learn.
extroversion - a life of the party, while secretly drawing in outsiders to create life of their own.
******************************************************************************************************************************************************
tragedy - welcomes pain because adapted to pain, absorb pain. romanticizing sacrifice.
comedy - everything is funny. let's make everyone's day!
******************************************************************************************************************************************************
compassion - i don't shy away from pain but i want to take it away from everyone else.
narcissism - my way or the highway. can't see you can't hear you.
******************************************************************************************************************************************************
visionary - inspire machine, seek for me a new song, a new idea. paint for me a palette of new futures.
execution - right now, you can't stop me from doing anything else but this. damn right i'm good at it.
******************************************************************************************************************************************************
diligence - goal setting, focus, brute force, silence until completion.
apathy - freecell.
******************************************************************************************************************************************************
bitterness - it's half empty because.
acceptance - there isn't any way you can come to me that i will not accept.
******************************************************************************************************************************************************
creation - give every opportunity to fail 100 times just for the 1 masterpiece.
consumption - i'm here thirsting for analysis, for thinking, for knowledge, for news, for sports news, for entertainment news, for movies, for shows. for just sitting here, consuming.
******************************************************************************************************************************************************
Friday, January 17, 2014
the munchings of a considerate narcissist
it was late. the sky was black, with light rain sprinkling, as a typical fall night would in toronto. i had just finished watching a movie with a friend and on my way home. I did not have much food before the movie, and by now my hunger governed me to detour to a burger joint. i found one still open and entered. There was a surprising number of people inside considering the time, so i had to line up to order.
i ordered their signature burger, fries and a small drink. with my tray, i picked a spot away from people and took a seat. i was ravenous by then, and wasted no time to open up my burger while devouring the fries. when i was able to catch a breath, i realized i was sitting across from the window, and i could see own reflection in the window while looking out. there i was, one guy, eating a burger, stoic, darkness surrounding me. then i realized that this was an image of one of the most lonely and self-serving experiences i could have.
the image stared back at me, and asked me how I got to this place. it was this whole year, summed up in one burger and fries: it was delicious; it was unhealthy. it was hopeful; it was anxiety. it was caring; it was selfish.
there is freedom knowing that there is an end to what is not right for you. I believed that there was no point being less than satisfied with something I know I could do but not believe the heart of. early this year I made the first high risk decision of my life to quit my stable job. I made my second high risk decision of my life to apply for teacher's college. this was partially based on one statement "you don't want to one day regret not trying it". high risk decisions get rave reviews. my favorite response was "are you sure?" and people ask about it all the time, which I guess is nice, but seems to me like there isn't much thought put into the questions or they are just misinformed. when people get asked the same question over and over again, we feel bad to give you a crappy answer. I recently heard of one fellow's strategy to not tell anyone any details at all about plans until it is fully completed, so that questions don't get asked. fair or unfair? I faced a year of my family's intermittent disapprovals and manipulative tactics leaving stability to insecurity. by definition, there is no certainty in a high risk decision. you have to make a high risk decision some time if you are going to make a decision for yourself, for better or for worse.
this year has been the biggest year for weddings yet. there were friends and close friends and closest friends getting married. it is wonderful for couples to prepare for their next stage of life, and for them to invite their friends to be a witness to their union. with that comes the celebration and the fun. this year I invented the term "wedding effects". due to the emotions and the atmosphere of a wedding, people have an increased impatience to move to the next stage. there was one rather absurd discussion about not liking their seating arrangement because the seating arrangement clearly reminded him or her of their current stage. these things are never a "at least you are not at this previous stage" even though that may be the first thing you want to say to such a person. but you do not. I invented the term but I think wedding effects led me to do some funny things this time around. silly rabbit. so being a part of a wedding is a great joy. you get to share a moment of spotlight with your friend who deserves all the spotlight then. and people get to see that you were a somebody at least at some point in that person's life. and strangers will have to take that at face value. attention seeking plus wedding effects is a cocktail drug. there's all that fuel about "yeah ladies he's single" and given the opportunity to look good out there, you might as well increase your odds. apparently there was a guy that was surprised that I was single. I had a few mixed emotions when it was all over.. the excitement of "look at me!" plus the joy of "be happy for them!" and the outside talks of "did you meet someone at the wedding this time". after much rational thought, I thought I did splendid.
which leads me to this.
the considerate narcissist.
by appearance a narcissist, but at heart a lover. maybe to a fault.
it's what i've thought is right, for better or for worse.
i check my phone out of habit. there were no messages. i was already finished my burger.
wanting to look back at the reflection no more, i left the restaurant and drove home.
i ordered their signature burger, fries and a small drink. with my tray, i picked a spot away from people and took a seat. i was ravenous by then, and wasted no time to open up my burger while devouring the fries. when i was able to catch a breath, i realized i was sitting across from the window, and i could see own reflection in the window while looking out. there i was, one guy, eating a burger, stoic, darkness surrounding me. then i realized that this was an image of one of the most lonely and self-serving experiences i could have.
the image stared back at me, and asked me how I got to this place. it was this whole year, summed up in one burger and fries: it was delicious; it was unhealthy. it was hopeful; it was anxiety. it was caring; it was selfish.
there is freedom knowing that there is an end to what is not right for you. I believed that there was no point being less than satisfied with something I know I could do but not believe the heart of. early this year I made the first high risk decision of my life to quit my stable job. I made my second high risk decision of my life to apply for teacher's college. this was partially based on one statement "you don't want to one day regret not trying it". high risk decisions get rave reviews. my favorite response was "are you sure?" and people ask about it all the time, which I guess is nice, but seems to me like there isn't much thought put into the questions or they are just misinformed. when people get asked the same question over and over again, we feel bad to give you a crappy answer. I recently heard of one fellow's strategy to not tell anyone any details at all about plans until it is fully completed, so that questions don't get asked. fair or unfair? I faced a year of my family's intermittent disapprovals and manipulative tactics leaving stability to insecurity. by definition, there is no certainty in a high risk decision. you have to make a high risk decision some time if you are going to make a decision for yourself, for better or for worse.
this year has been the biggest year for weddings yet. there were friends and close friends and closest friends getting married. it is wonderful for couples to prepare for their next stage of life, and for them to invite their friends to be a witness to their union.
which leads me to this.
the considerate narcissist.
by appearance a narcissist, but at heart a lover. maybe to a fault.
it's what i've thought is right, for better or for worse.
i check my phone out of habit. there were no messages. i was already finished my burger.
wanting to look back at the reflection no more, i left the restaurant and drove home.
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