gaahh..

i think this is the first time i will "vent" like a kid in this blog thing. sorry for those that expect more from me, but unfortunately i cannot please you this time. or maybe i will, i don't know. people say (or more so i observe, cuz ppl either don't know, don't care, or aren't observant at all) that i do not express myself, my feelings and my struggles very often, or very well. if that is so, then here it is, clear in black and white. with as little riddles as possible.

most christians struggle with spiritual battles. they battle sin daily, and pray for strength by the Holy Spirit. sometimes they win, sometimes they lose, but if they lose, they keep going. if they win, then they praise the Lord, and God's name is glorified because of it. but i am different. i do not struggle with spiritual battles. i struggle with the struggle. i struggle with deciding to put up the fight. i don't know if it is that i give up, or that i don't even care. sometimes it makes me doubt.. what of my faith? why do i not care? of course, these thoughts do not go through my mind when the struggles happen. it doesn't make sense, living such a double life. it is revolting to know that even to this day, i could possibly be living as a sunday christian. it is even more revolting to see the kind of life i lead on the weekdays. the problem is.. i don't even see it, because i don't care.

people hear me saying "toronto and waterloo both have its goods and bads". it is true. first term may really have been a lucky shot. i often tell people who miss first term.. that the future is what we should be looking forward to. the past is what we've enjoyed, and that is behind us. what we need to do now is to make the future all the better. even better than before. maybe i am a hypocrite. i have only been in waterloo for a short 4 months. have i seen enough to be able to decide what kind of an experience i will have? not seeing everybody for 4 years.. it hurts. i am a person that does not like superficial friendships. often i do not put much effort into superficial friendships. if the other person doesn't care, i find that i usually do not either. but i take my focus on those that do care. i do not want all my "friends" to become as such. and what about toronto? toronto is also a great place to be. but i think that things at scbc are beoming quite sketchy, and the people are becoming.. i don't know what they are becoming. our graduating year was a very big year. because of that, it was a big loss on our gideon fellowship for high school students. it was also a big impact for those that were supposed to graduate, but stayed back a year. it appears(ed) to me that things are falling apart. people are going their separate directions, becoming comfortable with where they are in their universities. or maybe i'm wrong. i do not think that we have been very good role models to the younger generations, as i think that is a responsibility that we have. the trend will continue in the future, as they do not have too many other choices. we got a new youth pastor last week. we will see how things go. i do not know whether i am hopeful or not anymore.

but the most difficult thing about being in toronto is being at home. most people say and know that they are different people at home. well i think there is a good reason for that. the environment is different.. so different. most of you probably complain that your mother is yellin at you for doing this and that. well try having three of those.. that's approximately me. i live with my mom, my aunt, and my grandma. and you know what else? my dad is living away from me.. of which i can no longer decide whether that is good or not. and he has been unemployed for months. and my brother is.. my brother, his majesty. and both sides don't usually agree with each other. things become rather paradoxical. usually the things that ur parents tell u to do are things that u can't really do. sleep early. i have been yelled at for probably hours upon hours on just that. and they think i have FUN staying up and tiring myself or something? and that i enjoy hearing them telling me the same things over and over again, while demeaning everything i do along the way. i understand that they mean good. but don't they think that i have my own brain? my own principles? it is paradoxical. they mean good. but so do i. there are plenty more things that i do wrong. eventually that leads me to just not want to do anything, and just sit there and play video games. of course, then i get yelled at for just sitting there and wasting away my life. what a nice little cycle.

so how do i feel? that is a good question. let me try to answer it the best i can. i feel like crap. i feel very useless. incapable to make my own decisions, always needing others to make decisions for me. i feel quite disgusted at myself. of the current condition i am in. the things that i think about, the things i don't think about, and the way my mind works. i also wonder why i am not in the authoritative and powerful state that i once was, and then i would think whether it was even right to be in a state like that, and after that i think whether i actually was in that state, or it was just my imagination, and it actually wasn't so and i was just being a stupid idiot. it is very easy to believe that a holy and just God wouldn't want to tolerate me and my behavior. the fact that He does is unfathomable and impossible to believe. i also feel unworthy of the friends and family around me, and incapable of playing the role of being a true friend. i have become too narrow-sighted, as i mentioned before, and still are. but it is difficult to be far-sighted with just msn. i also have no guts, because i have shied away from so many things that needed to be addressed. so many people that needed support, but didn't receive it. too satisfied with being comfortable with myself. i think that in a nutshell is how i feel.

i am not asking for pity. that is not the purpose of this. i guess in a way i am trying to destroy my personal image that i am invincible. or that i am so knowledgeable and experienced that i can take care of any situation, including yours. in a way it is also a side of me that most people do not see, as i do not show it often. one person has said that i am actually a very quiet person. paradoxical again, no? let me say that i have become a very skilled small talker over the years. for those that have read this far, i commend you for doing so. then u either have a lot of time to kill, and are bored and have a feeling that victor will write something insightful to you.. or you do actually care for what i may havta say. either way, i would appreciate it this time if you left a bit of feedback, whether u have access to blogger or not. even just saying that u've read what i've written.

that is it. i end here. may Jesus be the Only Judge of this.

-victor