a word to uncle screwtape

i want to commend to you what an excellent job you've been doing with your work. you've managed to chip at my spirit slowly but surely, rendering most of my previously built defences not usable. you developed a plan, you set goals, and you worked relentlessly at it, and those are definitely strong signs of initiative and ambition.

you were able to eliminate any desires to read the bible or to pray. i would tell myself that i wouldn't feel like it. or that it was useless, or it was difficult. and we say that that is what protects us most from the enemy, is closeness with God. and you were able to convince me not that it was useless, but that there was another better time to do it. when that is, i never asked myself.

you're able to take something that is good in itself, and twist it. take the things that i thought i was good at, and use them for the wrong purposes. music and singing doesn't sound beautiful anymore. a good strong thinker? you interest me in other meaningless things, and telling myself that i've heard all the useful stuff. i know enough theology, i know the bible, i know christianity. i don't need to learn anymore. i don't need to think about this, i've already thought about it before. and then before you know it, my brain is just numb from the lack of stimulation, and i had no desire to change that. you are certainly doing a good job, uncle screwtape.

you are able to take advantage of weaknesses. what am i bad at.. well, there is never really a voice to tell me what i am bad at. there is a voice telling me what i'm good at, whether that is actually true or not, and i easily neglect what i am bad at. laziness? lust? pride? the whole shebang. and when i am about to do these things, you make sure that my mind has been numbed and turned off, so that i cannot defend against you. by that time it is already too late, and i am in your grasp.

and now, even more.. regular things that even nonchristians would think about, things like what to do in an evening, or what to cook for dinner, whether to go to the gym. such regular things. now i don't even have motivation to do that. it looks like i don't have motivation to do things in life. or that i am not doing things right. then my own self-confidence is attacked, that i can't do things right.

so there's one more thing i want to say. in the beginning i said that you've got excellent planning skills and such, to administer your little plan. well what about me? they say that a strong man should know what to do with their life, how to plan their life out, and to set goals to achieve. how am i doing with that? not so well either. when i notice a problem that i have to deal with, i don't make a plan to solve the problem, but i avoid the pain and the trouble. i avoid the responsibility to get things right, and i do things that make me feel good but avoid the work.

indeed, uncle screwtape, you are doing splendid.