evaluating me series part 1: sin

whenever there is an event that leads to be want to write about something, I prepare to write, but a few days later I end up not feeling like it, and soon enough, the thoughts slip away. as a result, I haven’t written anything for practically a month and people are wondering what’s going on. That is basically what’s been happening lately, and I’ve been finding stuff to fill up my time, with responsibilities and obligations here and there. So I’m using the time that is actually free time for me: at work! Isn’t that ironic.

One of the activities that I did at work was to make a list of all the things that I thought were wrong with me. It ended up being a rather comprehensive list, and by the time I was done, I felt pretty terrible about myself, but I thought I did the right thing. I don’t think I will put the entire list publicly, but I will talk about a couple in detail. Writing all of this was progressively harder and harder to write as it went on, because it not only required me to think of my bad qualities, but I’m telling the whole world about it too.

The layman’s definition of sin is missing the mark. Romans 3:23 says that “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” Sin is falling short of God’s expectations for you, namely Jesus. I think everybody knows that already, but a new concept to grasp comes from a mark driscoll sermon about sin that I heard. There is sin of COMMISSION and sin of OMISSION. Sin of commission is doing something that you shouldn’t do, and we’re all familiar with when that happens. Sin of omission is NOT doing something that you SHOULD do, and sometimes this is harder to detect. Therefore, it is worthwhile to spend more time to reflect more on our sins of omission in case we miss out on a lot of our own sins.

as a warm-blooded male, like most warm-blooded males, the most apparent sins are pride and lust. knowing that i am better at something than someone else, or i have a better reputation about something than someone else gives me a secured position at the top of.. something. there is this inexplicable competition of anything within me that i desperately try to win all the time. i don't understand why i just want to be at the top, but it just gives me a false sense that i'm alright, or that people/God would like/love me, or that it forms my identity. or perhaps it's a "I win, you lose" mindset, where i can say myself to be the winner, and everyone else as the loser. i think that do that with the smallest things, screaming out for attention. a little boy reaching out for his hand, waving frantically: look at me, look at me! and when people DO finally look, probably just to shut the kid up with his annoying attention hogging, then i'd feel like i've done my job right, and i would feel good. why, i don't know. i guess all of this wordless belittling is very contrary to the christian concept of love, where we should lift those that are less fortunate than us, and hence i've got this love thing completely the wrong way.

lust is a sensitive topic that most people would not want to talk about. some things are better not to be known by others. still, i'll say a few words, since i am evaluating me. the complete shutting off of the mind is a terrifying thing. that all the experiences, life lessons, sermons, bible studies, encouragements from friends, however profound or deep, can simply vanish from your mind when the flesh is aroused is astounding. here is a clear example that having the right knowledge about something can barely protect you. without self-control, without the delay of gratification, think about what a person can become. when someone gets whatever they want, whenever they want, no matter the costs... living for the present moment is sin. also, something else having to do with lust is the gorging of appetites. most would think sex is the only issue relating to gorging of appetites, but i think there is more to it. everything is okay in moderation, so pleasure should also be. i think i have the constant desire to enjoy myself, and the more fun the better. there is no problem with fun, but if i am always having fun, then firstly i would never want to do anything else but fun, and secondly, whenever i'm not having fun, then the withdrawal is painful. this too is why i decide i would never get a portable gaming device, because it enables you to be in entertainment constantly, even at the micro level of time, so ur mind will always be in fun mode, a pleasure/adrenaline high, making the rest of life mundane (moderation would indeed solve that problem, for those DS owners that think i'm crazy, but i still hold to my opinion)

within my things-wrong-with-me list, there are two more categories that the things can fit under. passivity and laziness. passivity, lack of courage, wuss, whatever you want to call it, was inherited from our wonderful father adam. when the serpent deceived eve and told her to eat the fruit, adam stood in the back and did not say or do anything. likewise, i too have the tendency to be passive. no courage to take some responsibility for my own mistakes or sins. no guts to try to fix your family life because you think it would lead to uncomfortableness, awkwardness, or perhaps more arguments. settling for what i already have because i'm already here, why would i bother to move? maybe i'm also not wanting to sacrifice something of mine for the betterment of someone else, some situation. selfish, aren't i.

then laziness. the unmotivation to get up. the neutral or negative outlook on things in life. the impatience to train and practice. avoiding hard work, avoiding discipline. laziness and passivity come hand in hand. i don't want to take responsibility, i don't want to move, i think i'll just stay put. with laziness, nothing moves. u just stay there like a lump. i think i am often guilty of that, not making use of our given willpower to get something done. so easily do i revert to the usual mode of neutrality, mediocrity, then nothing happens, and life is wasted.

pride, lust, passivity, laziness. wow almost can't believe i just wrote all of this, and for everyone to see. i'm glad that i realize all of these things in myself, and for those of you that think that all i think about is myself, i know that i am nowhere close to perfect. now for the solution part? i'm still working on that part. what i can say is.. no matter how hard i try, i cannot fix myself. it is freaking impossible, cuz all these things work together against me. when i want to fix myself, i get lazy. when i overcome laziness, i would get discouraged that i would lose my precious competitions. and so on. but i think knowing that i cannot physically do anything to make myself stop. therefore, only God can change me. only God can take away my sin and make me a new person. perhaps slowly and painfully, but surely, as it says in the bible. now whether i make any progress of it, how God does it, and what me and God have to do together for it to work.. i don't really know.