end of summer thoughts

it's a matter of weeks before the summer is officially over, and i'm feeling like it's about time to give myself some time to think about what's been going on in life.

i have to wonder whether i've become better as a person since i finished school. in a matter of days after the last few exams were done, we had to empty out mcdougall, say our final goodbyes to everyone, and leave university behind us for good, for the first time. in a matter of days, it was a traveling frenzy. we took planes more than some people here take taxis. i traveled to halifax, to vancouver, to hong kong, to all sorts of places in china, and i followed the flow of the trip as a lemming, not knowing where i'd go or what i'd be doing.

then i came back, and went to waterloo. i found myself in a world where familiar friends belonged in, but a world that i was slowly passing away from. i found other people living in my house, and i realize i could no longer call it "my house" anymore. it was something to adjust to, but it was taking a bit of time to allow the others to make mcdougall what it was for themselves and make it a new creation, for a new purpose. in a way, they were doing a better job at that than i was. mcdougall can no longer be a place of security because it is just a house.

so i watched my friends convocate. it was fascinating just how many people showed up to.. take pictures with us, and to be happy for us. it's a great reason for all of us to dress up, look nice and stand in a line and take pictures before we finally leave. but as i stood there, suit, gown, degree and all, every time a picture was taken, i saw in my eyes and in the eyes of others all the things that have happened in the past 5 years in waterloo. i could see all the relationships i've tried to build, and some that have failed, and all the struggles with school and with people that i can remember. every click of the camera was signifying an end to this stage of life.

how silly it was that we were celebrating how good i can regurgitate assignment solutions. why pay 100 dollars to frame assignment solutions? convocation was as wonderful as it was meaningless.

after that wonderful week, i came back to toronto to relive being back at home. here is when i start having trouble recounting individual events, and the time in the summer has been a blur. i tried to think of the things i wanted to do, and i tried to start thinking about my life not in 4 month chunks but for the long term. it worked sometimes but most of the time it didn't because i couldn't see myself in the long term. i was beginning to get asked by everyone what my plan was, and whether i had a job lined up, and i would say that i didn't, much to the opposite of a lot of my friends. they would ask me what i want to do, and i would try to give them some weak answers. the reality is that i couldn't figure it out because i didn't know. do i want to do aerospace? kind of. i guess i can. am i brave enough to do something completely outside engineering? even if i was good at it? not really. these thoughts were coupled with pressure and complete unreasonableness from the family. "if you're not at work, then you're at school. nothing else".

i think i fill my time with meaningless things that are fun. i fill my time with fun. i sleep and wake up at times that are not normal, and i feel like i've been in every time zone in the world from this summer. the more fun things i find, the more that i push the serious stuff away for later. i started to hide from serious stuff, because i'm good at that. sometimes i realize that, so i force myself to do serious stuff, and it works for short periods of time, but really, i think my heart likes doing fun meaningless things.

but there were serious things that i needed to do so that it looks like i'm still a serious person. i signed up to teach sunday school and i went back to men's group, which required me to think and talk about some serious things, but i only need to do those things when those times come. and when the time does come, then i never really want to do it, and i would rather do fun meaningless things instead.

then of course, i had just a fabulous little predicament when july ended. it was always on my mind, and it would keep me up at nights. why couldn't i do it? time was running out. i just couldn't keep it in me, and i told all sorts of people. and one by one they would speak some sense to me, and i would have to agree with them, and feel pretty defeated and that i may have wasted my time and energy. it's so silly.

time is running out. will i do the serious things that i need to do? how do i think for the long term, and act for the long term? what have i learned this summer? i think i learned nothing. i think i'm moving backwards because i can disguise who i am, and hide from everyone else. maybe i am trying to protect my heart, the heart that is dying to admit that it is not ready for real life, not suitable for real life.

there is no playbook, and there is now a new variable called risk.



so where is GOD in all of this? i need the meaning and the direction, and the ownership: God's ownership in my life, and my ownership that i've lived life for God. i don't have either of those things, so everything is, when i think about it, truly meaningless. let's do it, loneliness.