nostalgia, peace, "we all need psychiatrists", safety, and new year

haven't written in so long that i'm almost forgetting what's been happening. i think i didn't write for the fear that i had to think and reflect.. which has been a bad habit this year.

a lot has happened since the last time i blogged, so i think i will just spill it all out. i survived my first school term as a graduate. it felt natural that i would spend more time with church friends instead of waterloo people because some distance has developed. a lot has to do with lifestage. those at church are either done school, or away at school and i wouldn't see them anyway. it's been a bit surprising but some of the friendships with church people have been getting better, which has been a positive thing these few months. but as i do that, it's inevitable that i hear stories of the happenings of waterloo. i miss the late night gatherings. the mcdougall dinners. i miss how the fun was so.. accessible. it was accessible and it was so easy. i had approached graduation stoically, but i'm also starting to miss the small things. the little conversations and the casual teasing that secretly tug at the heartstrings. i start to wonder whether i would be able to restore life back to the same sense of fun and fulfillment.

my pastor from montreal had emailed and called me to arrange to meet up in toronto since he was visiting. we had been close during the time i was in montreal, but was hesitant to respond to him immediately. he was persistent in finding a time to meet and catch up. i think i was afraid of what he might tell me, and that he may penetrate the painful parts of my heart. we met up and we talked about very regular things for the most part. i talked about what has been happening to me for the past year and the things that i've done and plan to do. it all seemed normal until the end where he did end up saying things that hurt. he always had the knack to see your greatest weakness, and it wouldn't even take that much time for him to see it. he said that i divided myself into all these activities, but they were really just escape valves. and i would run to each of these things and avoid my true issues at hand. and really, i was not experiencing peace. i was living a life jumping from one activity to the next and i experienced no peace.. and no security. he advised that i should exercise my faith. and one way to do this is to get out of my comfort zone and try something new that actually.. requires faith. and that living at home is restraining and restricting me. i had previously realized this point before, but he anunciated this much clearer than me. it hurt me but it was the truth.

i've still been able to put a lot of time into talking with people, and it starts getting to talking about each other's problems. it's wonderful that friends are willing to share their problems with me, and that they would listen to my problems. but after a while you start to get a feel for what kind of problems are out there. and as you talk to more and more people, you start hearing of the craziest problems out there. then you realize.. some of these problems may not actually be solvable. as the world gets more and more complex, and sin and evil penetrate lives in its subtle manner, plus people just get more and more stubborn, you realize that there is only so much within your power that you can do. and those unsolvable problems slowly seep into your emotions. people live in frustration and even pain among their issues. i understand that there are a lot of issues that requires all parties to go outside of their comfort zones and allow God's grace to enter.. but there is something else more interesting. that with all these complex issues that we deal with, i found that i wasn't the only one that thinks to get a psychiatrist to help sort out their issues. so there are bunches of people that have confused minds too. i propose that we all get together and go for a psychiatrist date together.

there was a conversation topic that was consistent throughout these few months, and it's worth some mention here. it started with me and my friends talking about boring people, and what kind of people are boring. we were just saying.. there are some people that are just.. boring to be around haha. like they don't have much to talk about, or don't really input much into the conversations. obviously this is something that people might take offense to, so it is not necessarily something you say in someone's face unless you know they can take it. we left this topic for a bit.. but some time later i had a conversation with someone else about personalities. it got to talking about me, and she said.. "victor, you are the safe choice. you're safe." that didn't sound flattering to me, because i thought "safe" was synonymous to boring. and i took a bit of offense to that because i think that at peak performance i am the opposite of boring. but then she explained what she meant.. that safe person is a person that does not take risks, does not make rash or decisions, or is responsible for their actions. a safe guy makes decisions that are good for them, and good for their future, and has a good career path. a safe person is a generally solid person. so i was a safe guy. it still sounds like it means boring, and i didn't want to be known as a person that isn't willing ot take risks, but i was starting to be more of a believer as they were able to predict some of my decisions because of apparent "safeness". it was comical going through who among us were UNsafe. and it was apparent that these unsafe guys had a certain way of making decisions or had crazy interests or just aren't as responsible. some time later we also started talking about how most of the people at our church are very.. not normal or regular, and some people even thought that i was one of the most regular person among them. haha that was funny to me. are you safe or unsafe? which one do you want to be?

this brings me finally to the last topic about the new year. christmas was a very busy time of hanging out with people and having fun. we saw the same people for almost consecutive days and we weren't sick of them, which was great. but one of the craziest things we did was the new year's eve party. our new year's eve party was themed as.. crude chinese stereotypes. normally i do not talk much of events, but i thought it was worth it just to show some pictures from that night. there are some people that would not want these pictures to be revealed to the world but.. i don't care because this is my blog haha.

in the new year, i've thought back to all the things that have happened in 2009. but this year, i want things to be better. i want to have more focus. so 2010 will be a year where i will focus more.

so here are the pictures.. enjoy.