november nuances

returning from a weekend in ottawa with friends marked the end of october and a good beginning to november. i was reminded that it is a new day, and a new month, and a new beginning. not only so, it was also the official halfway point of the term. as such, it was imperative to reflect on the past few months, as well as to plan for the upcoming months.

i know what it appears to you, but i don't think it's so bad being in montreal. i just had the thought today that it truly was a cool thing to be able to live in another city for a period of time, and see what different things there are to see, eat the food, and spending time with new friends. those are good things, and i tend to magnify the bad things by habit. yes it does get very quiet here and it does get quite lonely without too many new friends. i have to remember my opportunity to be here, and the cool things to experience and to remind myself to live.

for the past few weeks i've noticed a major mental block again, though just a week or two ago i did come to a realization with.. something.. i don't really remember what right now. but now i seem to be distracted with something i don't know what, that i can't really think clearly. curses to that.

there's been a terrific paradox that has been troubling me. i know that i've definitely not used my time wisely these past few months. i feel like i've wasted a lot of time, and not really accomplishing anything. this has been caused by laziness and a lack of motivation. but when it comes to doing things.. i find that it feels really meaningless. sheer following of a schedule, completing a checklist, doing it for the sake of checking it off a list. that has been a strategy to encourage myself to do things, but once that becomes your incentive, everything loses its meaning. this becomes more and more unfortunate when the things you have to do have more meaning.

so here will be the thoughts that i want to have thought through, and the things i would like to have done.

-ccf magnets. we said we wanted some, i have the supplies to make some.
-bible and prayer. bible and prayer. need i say more.
-read more books. enjoy them, learn from them, and don't read them for the sake of finishing them.
-play more piano. 1800 bucks is a lot of money to collect dust.
-singing. i need to fix my voice.
-guitar. a lower priority thing, but worthy. learn more guitar makes for better worship leading.

things to think about
-future ccf goals? how to serve, why am i serving? i shouldn't serve just because they need someone.
-men's cell? mcdougall ministry? what should i do, when to do it? we should plan these things early
-lifesong? do i want to do coordinate it? do i want to do it this term, or another term?
-mentorship driven? with age and experience (compared to the younger ones), we should be sharing it.
-workshops? same as previous point.

a word to uncle screwtape

i want to commend to you what an excellent job you've been doing with your work. you've managed to chip at my spirit slowly but surely, rendering most of my previously built defences not usable. you developed a plan, you set goals, and you worked relentlessly at it, and those are definitely strong signs of initiative and ambition.

you were able to eliminate any desires to read the bible or to pray. i would tell myself that i wouldn't feel like it. or that it was useless, or it was difficult. and we say that that is what protects us most from the enemy, is closeness with God. and you were able to convince me not that it was useless, but that there was another better time to do it. when that is, i never asked myself.

you're able to take something that is good in itself, and twist it. take the things that i thought i was good at, and use them for the wrong purposes. music and singing doesn't sound beautiful anymore. a good strong thinker? you interest me in other meaningless things, and telling myself that i've heard all the useful stuff. i know enough theology, i know the bible, i know christianity. i don't need to learn anymore. i don't need to think about this, i've already thought about it before. and then before you know it, my brain is just numb from the lack of stimulation, and i had no desire to change that. you are certainly doing a good job, uncle screwtape.

you are able to take advantage of weaknesses. what am i bad at.. well, there is never really a voice to tell me what i am bad at. there is a voice telling me what i'm good at, whether that is actually true or not, and i easily neglect what i am bad at. laziness? lust? pride? the whole shebang. and when i am about to do these things, you make sure that my mind has been numbed and turned off, so that i cannot defend against you. by that time it is already too late, and i am in your grasp.

and now, even more.. regular things that even nonchristians would think about, things like what to do in an evening, or what to cook for dinner, whether to go to the gym. such regular things. now i don't even have motivation to do that. it looks like i don't have motivation to do things in life. or that i am not doing things right. then my own self-confidence is attacked, that i can't do things right.

so there's one more thing i want to say. in the beginning i said that you've got excellent planning skills and such, to administer your little plan. well what about me? they say that a strong man should know what to do with their life, how to plan their life out, and to set goals to achieve. how am i doing with that? not so well either. when i notice a problem that i have to deal with, i don't make a plan to solve the problem, but i avoid the pain and the trouble. i avoid the responsibility to get things right, and i do things that make me feel good but avoid the work.

indeed, uncle screwtape, you are doing splendid.

we love you, jesus..

i'm the kind of guy that never reads ppl's song lyrics when they post it up on their blogs. but i cannot help it here. "we love you, jesus", the radio song for shane and shane's new album, pages. an absolute declaration of love that we can only pray and ask that the Holy Spirit can give to us.

life has so many difficulties and decisions that give us so much pain. and only after you truly look at yourself can you see where you are. by the time you realize to do so, then you've already made a wall so protective that even you yourself do not know what to do about yourself. and when you try to jump the wall, you find a pain so profound and a need so great that your knees just buckle. truly, truly, if only we can love our Jesus more and more, then he will be our comforter, our breaker of walls and our healer.

--

Opening the door to dine with Him.
Traveling to Earth to let us in.
Laying down His glory crown of old.
Setting up the wedding feast foretold.

Oh, we can't contain our love.
We turn it up loud!

We love You, Jesus!
For so many reasons.
For death and life and freedom.
Even now, we love you.

What manner of love is this that You would say
your sin is Mine, I'll take it to the grave. (then rising).
Death oh, death where is your sting today?
Death is swallowed up in victory.

We love You, Jesus!
For so many reasons.
For death and life and freedom.
Even now, we love you.
We love You, Jesus!
In and out of seasons.
In valleys and on top of mountains.
Even now, can we sing.

We love you Jesus!
Jesus!

--

thoughts of a montrealer

i think it'd be fitting for me to note down some thoughts of the past few weeks.

things that have stood out to me, in order of occurence:

-the transportation woes.
what they say is true. montreal is a bad place for transportation. the roads are broken to the core, and the road planning is an absolute mess. if you don't know how to get somewhere, chances are you won't find it. montreal is filled with one-way streets, no left turns or no right turns. right turns are not allowed at red lights (on the island, i didn't know there was a distinction between the rules of the island and the shore until later). downtown is worse. there is no way you can return the same way you came. i learnt that the hard way the first time driving around montreal. i never want to do it again. the level of frustration rose heights comparable to that caused by intense dripping faucets or loud obnoxious people or extreme nagging parents. oh yea, while i was driving my parents were nagging and yelling around too. right.

-the culture difference.
needless to say, montreal is said to "have more culture than toronto." i don't argue that, mainly because i don't know truly how cultural toronto can be because it is so big. the more noticeable difference is the language. yes it is very much french dominant here. many people say that you can survive with english in montreal, but the sad truth is that i don't live in montreal. in longueuil, EVERYBODY's french. everyone speaks french here, and i'm nervous to try to speak english. there was a day that i was at TD and i was scared that the tellers couldn't speak english (they could). another noticeable difference was.. girls. there is a higher percentage of girls than guys almost everywhere i go, almost all the time, some of which are quite the attractive. there's this one girl i see once every so often going to work and she's like a friggin supermodel. by the way, when it was still warm, there were lots of girls showing off their boobs and their cleavage. is that a cultural difference too? holy crap that was kind of annoying.

-the silence.
i live in the basement of a christian family (french speaking). downstairs i have a roommate who is a french assistant pastor. he's only here a couple days a week, for a very short time though. did i mention french speaking. so yea, i am pretty much all alone during the weeks. if i were to not do anything, i will hear silence. i think i found it, the most quiet place. apart from the buzzing of appliances and occasional sounds from the family upstairs, and sometimes the cars outside on the road.. it's silence. pure silence. the silence continues at work, where everyone speaks french around me, only speaking english TO me. i drown it out, almost creating more silence. it is hard for me to make friends at work because they expect to speak french, so there is no need to talk much. pure silence. i can hear my own voice more than ever, and i'm glad of it. i'm glad that i can hear myself think, and that i am thinking.

-the transportation woes.
i am at the mercy of the bus schedule. getting around can no longer be when i feel like it, driving around. living off the island, i have to bus to the metro (that's what they call subways here), subway for 2 stations, change lines, and then subway 3 more to get to mcgill and the downtown core. the subwaying isn't too bad, but the bus comes once an hour on weekends, sometimes half an hour at nights on weekdays if i'm lucky. i am always waiting for subways, waiting for buses. every day, every weekend, i am at the mercy of public transportation. when i wait, i stand around, or i sit around. and i hear it again, pure silence. my mind turns on when it wills to, and that is kinda nice.

so there's more to take of montreal than something so simple as that. after the however many weekends of me going to indigo by myself, eating noodles while msning, walking around the basement thinking of what to do next, or watching the clock as it finally reaches the right time for the hourly bus to come, then perhaps we will see the meaning of it all.

the longest post ever

at first, i was planning to document everything that i did starting the end of term to the beginning of the next term, which isn't even officially here yet for me, and note down every single thought and feeling that was worth noting.

i wanted to write down all the ups and downs that occurred, ppl that were sad, ppl that were happy. things that ached my heart, warmed my heart. ppl i missed, ppl that didn't miss me. the battles to fight, the pains of struggle. conversations worth remembering, efforts worth noting, failures worth forgetting. i wrote out everyone's names, so it would have been open to see. a bit of thought and sleuthing, and secrets of my heart could have been figured. it took hours.

and i wrote it. i got to aug 20. it was pages long, and i already had plans to section it all off by week. then i stopped myself.

what am i doing? everything laid out like a journal, telling the world how i spent my time, testing myself to see whether time was used best. was it? i'm scared that the answer will be no. that the goals i made for these weeks were not accomplished. that you failed to have the best two week toronto vacation you could have.

so i stop. wondering the worth of sharing to the world every tidbit of thought of mine, the worth of telling of every person that i thought about, talked with, didn't talk with. the little pearls of my intricate observations, long-winded yet.. intricate. i fear that after all this, that i learn nothing, that nothing will come out of it all, that i just walk a full circle, back to where i started...

(vacation. a foreign thought, yet all hell breaks loose at its first opportunity. i find my body asking: why is the best not being offered to me? why am i not in constant enjoyment? after such a long term of work, why should i do anything even resembling work right now?

so it happens that way, and i am practically powerless to stop it)