i reminded myself what a reading machine i can be by reading "for one more day" by mitch albom in one sitting. granted that the book is a short read, i read the whole book despite that i had more important things to do. (spoiler alert).
the book is an inspirational fiction novel about a man named charles "chick" benetto who forsook education to attmept to make big league baseball teams, but ended up not being good enough because of injury. his mother loved him greatly, but his father left the family at a very young age for very selfish reasons. charley's life after he quit baseball deteriorated drastically. he hated his boring sales job, and started drinking a lot. as a result, he started falling away from his family. his wife divorced him. his only daughter did not invite him to her wedding, because she was afraid he would embarass her. charley just couldn't take it anymore, and decided to commit suicide. through his several attempts, he was led back to his old home where his family grew up. he was absolutely astounded to find his mother, who had passed away 7 years ago from a heart attack. they recounted the events which showed his selfish motives to please his father through baseball, but also the mother's unfailing love for her son, and her spirit's eventual inspiration for his son to keep living. of course, he does, because he loves his mother.
the model of the heartfelt story.
so i have discovered that around 3 months is the time that i start getting very agitated and impatient when i am home. i think that this is approximately when i run out of patience with my family. today i had lunch with my mom and my cousin, and when i was driving him home after i dropped off my mom, i was once again commended for living with not ONE, not TWO, but THREE post menopausal chinese women. i have observed that 95% of the things they say to me involve either them commanding me to do something, or commanding me not to do something or what i am doing is not right. each nagging me in their own sort of way. i can only take so much of.. telling me what to eat by watching what i eat as if i don't know how to eat, criticizing me about job hunting, criticizing that i am wasting my time and my choices for the future are poor, cleaning up my stuff and reorganizing my stuff when i didn't ask them too and then feeling their contempt and only result in me having to find my own stuff again because they put it somewhere else, their tones of disrespect, all their crazy and menial food restrictions, staying away from the computer restrictions, don't do this don't do that, yelling for 20 minutes about nothing when i show a bit of attitude.
sometimes on days like that, i get this feeling in my heart like there is a heavy weight on it, and the heart muscle has to support that heavy weight. and it's so heavy that i can't support any other system of the body. or it's like something is squeezing your heart and it has to push against the squeezing just to beat. and even when their nagging stops, that feeling is still there, and it sometimes carries over the next day. like i would wake up, and that would be the first thing i feel.
it really is hard to read the book and try to learn the same lesson as chick benetto did. from all human standpoints, is it fair to learn that lesson? does anyone have the supernatural patience to deal with all that? sometimes the only words that i can say is.. unbelievable.
tonight i had that heavy heart feeling again because of lunch, and then i got an idea. what if i nagged them back the same way that they nagged me, each in their own ways? i wonder how they would take it, sounds like a fun activity haha.
Wednesday, September 09, 2009
Saturday, September 05, 2009
end of summer thoughts part 2
i've been starting to take offence to those people that have been critical about how i am bumming around or am wasting time doing nothing. members of my family have said that they thought if i was not working or not in school, then i was wasting time. i thought that that was one of the most ridiculous things ever. the summer is officially over now, and there are some things that i wished i did different, but i certainly do not regret how the summer went. i still have no job, and there is no end in sight for that right now, but i believe that i learned a lot about myself this summer. let me count you the ways, all of you who think i am wasting my time.
my men's group at scbc have been studying the 7 habits of highly effective people, by stephen covey. men's group has been a big part of the summer, as we meet every other week to do the book study, but we have also worked together to plan a camp together for high school students at our church, and we also spend a lot of time together outside of small group time and church time. the concepts in this book are frightfully relevant and life changing, and i have so far been terrified at organizing my life as they intensely describe. but even while i avoid to do some of the things they ask, i find myself subconsciously noticing concepts or ideas in my life. the following observations are made by myself, and not by the book, but i will later explain that the book reinforces these concepts.
as young people of this generation, how have we learnt to manage and organize our lives? at an early age, discipline was forced upon us by our parents, usually by threaten of punishment: deprivation of pleasure, or sometimes of necessities.. poor you if that's u :( once we grow past that young age, we are introduced to the education system. our organization is then guided by assignment or project deadlines. we do our school stuff based on those dates, otherwise resulting in poor grades. poor grades result in a feeling of failure, rejection and dissatisfaction. when university comes, these concepts are further reinforced. because of the volume and intensity of the work, urgency of getting work done is higher, and deadlines have greater weight to them than ever before. the feelings of failure, rejection and the like are also increased, though we become well conditioned to deal with these feelings. but in the end, this is what what education has done to us: it has conditioned us to manage our life based on arbitrarily defined deadline dates only to prevent feelings of failure and rejection. in addition, we realize that these feelings end up being inevitable (unless you're a genius or a brainchild) and become conditioned to numb ourselves from these feelings, further making this discipline ineffective.
i don't think that this is bad in itself provided that you have the strength for it, but i think that it is a poor discipline and management system. this summer i was able to experience something i have not experienced before, and i found it a worthy experiment. for the first time, life was not managed by deadlines. also, quality of life was no longer measured by your academic results and your feelings of failure/success based on those academic results. in fact, life no longer had deadlines, and life no longer had instructions like school had. my experiment was.. based on my previous conditioning/training, how will i react in this new stage of life?
i found out that my resolve to be productive was not strong at all. i think some of that had to do with it being the summer, and the summer was all about having fun. as a result, i would do whatever i want, whenever i want. most of the time, these things were relatively trivial (trivial in purpose and meaning, but still times that are treasured and relationships closer. fun things are not utterly pointless). there were a handful of times where i did things that are considered productive, and i was usually much more willing to play than to do these productive things.
so am i just saying that i've been totally undisciplined and wasted my entire summer? i'm not exactly saying that. what i am saying is.. we've believed that school has taught us what discipline and organization and management is. i believe that it has not taught us that. it teaches us the basics, but there are some very deep ideas that are missing. let me go over the first 3 habits briefly. you can also read up on it on the wiki link i gave, or google it.
habit 1: be proactive.
do you act or are you acted upon? if you are acted upon, your life is in the control of the one acting upon you. if you act, then your life is in the control of you. the more we act, the more control we have in life. proactivity can be developed by first destroying negative thoughts of your ability. then..
habit 2: begin with the end in mind.
focus on the end result, and fill in the in between path according to that result. then you will not lose sight of what you want to achieve. first plan (leadership), then do (management). in order to do these things, your result must be based on principles and values other than anything else. these must be your internal beliefs that you will hold true to. mission statements and personal goals help here.
habit 3: put first things first.
to manage our time to do the right things according to our purpose, we need to analyse our activities. in a 2 by 2 matrix of urgent/not urgent and important/not important, we need to adjust our life to do the not urgent but important tasks (quadrant 2) first. this will cause us to do things according to our purpose and goals, and will drastically decrease emergency type tasks (quadrant 1), and minimize the need for unimportant activities (quadrant 3 and 4). managing your time to be a quadrant 2 person involves once again planning your activities according to your values.
discipline is HARD. why is it hard? it might even be because we don't know how to do it. saying that we will do it doesn't mean we can actually do it. not only is much intricacy required for a fully disciplined life, but also great mental, emotional and spiritual strength is needed. this must be built up. the truth is here. the truth is that none of us are really disciplined. this is only a taste of what it really takes.
these concepts are not exclusive to general life. i think that a poor spiritual life has very much to do with these concepts. when i was young, i learned that as long as you have God as your center, then everything will fall into place. i think that this is not necessarily true, because a poorly managed life will still result in a poor christian life (being the activities you do to further your relationship with God) because everything else is a mess. i don't believe that there's such thing as one thing being perfect while everything else is a mess. the mess of a nonchristian (activities not deliberately for furthering your relationship with God) life will drag down your quality of life, and then you won't have a good relationship with God. this is what it takes to be close to God.
phew, that was long, wasn't it? september is here. time to pull your sword.
my men's group at scbc have been studying the 7 habits of highly effective people, by stephen covey. men's group has been a big part of the summer, as we meet every other week to do the book study, but we have also worked together to plan a camp together for high school students at our church, and we also spend a lot of time together outside of small group time and church time. the concepts in this book are frightfully relevant and life changing, and i have so far been terrified at organizing my life as they intensely describe. but even while i avoid to do some of the things they ask, i find myself subconsciously noticing concepts or ideas in my life. the following observations are made by myself, and not by the book, but i will later explain that the book reinforces these concepts.
as young people of this generation, how have we learnt to manage and organize our lives? at an early age, discipline was forced upon us by our parents, usually by threaten of punishment: deprivation of pleasure, or sometimes of necessities.. poor you if that's u :( once we grow past that young age, we are introduced to the education system. our organization is then guided by assignment or project deadlines. we do our school stuff based on those dates, otherwise resulting in poor grades. poor grades result in a feeling of failure, rejection and dissatisfaction. when university comes, these concepts are further reinforced. because of the volume and intensity of the work, urgency of getting work done is higher, and deadlines have greater weight to them than ever before. the feelings of failure, rejection and the like are also increased, though we become well conditioned to deal with these feelings. but in the end, this is what what education has done to us: it has conditioned us to manage our life based on arbitrarily defined deadline dates only to prevent feelings of failure and rejection. in addition, we realize that these feelings end up being inevitable (unless you're a genius or a brainchild) and become conditioned to numb ourselves from these feelings, further making this discipline ineffective.
i don't think that this is bad in itself provided that you have the strength for it, but i think that it is a poor discipline and management system. this summer i was able to experience something i have not experienced before, and i found it a worthy experiment. for the first time, life was not managed by deadlines. also, quality of life was no longer measured by your academic results and your feelings of failure/success based on those academic results. in fact, life no longer had deadlines, and life no longer had instructions like school had. my experiment was.. based on my previous conditioning/training, how will i react in this new stage of life?
i found out that my resolve to be productive was not strong at all. i think some of that had to do with it being the summer, and the summer was all about having fun. as a result, i would do whatever i want, whenever i want. most of the time, these things were relatively trivial (trivial in purpose and meaning, but still times that are treasured and relationships closer. fun things are not utterly pointless). there were a handful of times where i did things that are considered productive, and i was usually much more willing to play than to do these productive things.
so am i just saying that i've been totally undisciplined and wasted my entire summer? i'm not exactly saying that. what i am saying is.. we've believed that school has taught us what discipline and organization and management is. i believe that it has not taught us that. it teaches us the basics, but there are some very deep ideas that are missing. let me go over the first 3 habits briefly. you can also read up on it on the wiki link i gave, or google it.
habit 1: be proactive.
do you act or are you acted upon? if you are acted upon, your life is in the control of the one acting upon you. if you act, then your life is in the control of you. the more we act, the more control we have in life. proactivity can be developed by first destroying negative thoughts of your ability. then..
habit 2: begin with the end in mind.
focus on the end result, and fill in the in between path according to that result. then you will not lose sight of what you want to achieve. first plan (leadership), then do (management). in order to do these things, your result must be based on principles and values other than anything else. these must be your internal beliefs that you will hold true to. mission statements and personal goals help here.
habit 3: put first things first.
to manage our time to do the right things according to our purpose, we need to analyse our activities. in a 2 by 2 matrix of urgent/not urgent and important/not important, we need to adjust our life to do the not urgent but important tasks (quadrant 2) first. this will cause us to do things according to our purpose and goals, and will drastically decrease emergency type tasks (quadrant 1), and minimize the need for unimportant activities (quadrant 3 and 4). managing your time to be a quadrant 2 person involves once again planning your activities according to your values.
discipline is HARD. why is it hard? it might even be because we don't know how to do it. saying that we will do it doesn't mean we can actually do it. not only is much intricacy required for a fully disciplined life, but also great mental, emotional and spiritual strength is needed. this must be built up. the truth is here. the truth is that none of us are really disciplined. this is only a taste of what it really takes.
these concepts are not exclusive to general life. i think that a poor spiritual life has very much to do with these concepts. when i was young, i learned that as long as you have God as your center, then everything will fall into place. i think that this is not necessarily true, because a poorly managed life will still result in a poor christian life (being the activities you do to further your relationship with God) because everything else is a mess. i don't believe that there's such thing as one thing being perfect while everything else is a mess. the mess of a nonchristian (activities not deliberately for furthering your relationship with God) life will drag down your quality of life, and then you won't have a good relationship with God. this is what it takes to be close to God.
phew, that was long, wasn't it? september is here. time to pull your sword.
Monday, August 17, 2009
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
end of summer thoughts
it's a matter of weeks before the summer is officially over, and i'm feeling like it's about time to give myself some time to think about what's been going on in life.
i have to wonder whether i've become better as a person since i finished school. in a matter of days after the last few exams were done, we had to empty out mcdougall, say our final goodbyes to everyone, and leave university behind us for good, for the first time. in a matter of days, it was a traveling frenzy. we took planes more than some people here take taxis. i traveled to halifax, to vancouver, to hong kong, to all sorts of places in china, and i followed the flow of the trip as a lemming, not knowing where i'd go or what i'd be doing.
then i came back, and went to waterloo. i found myself in a world where familiar friends belonged in, but a world that i was slowly passing away from. i found other people living in my house, and i realize i could no longer call it "my house" anymore. it was something to adjust to, but it was taking a bit of time to allow the others to make mcdougall what it was for themselves and make it a new creation, for a new purpose. in a way, they were doing a better job at that than i was. mcdougall can no longer be a place of security because it is just a house.
so i watched my friends convocate. it was fascinating just how many people showed up to.. take pictures with us, and to be happy for us. it's a great reason for all of us to dress up, look nice and stand in a line and take pictures before we finally leave. but as i stood there, suit, gown, degree and all, every time a picture was taken, i saw in my eyes and in the eyes of others all the things that have happened in the past 5 years in waterloo. i could see all the relationships i've tried to build, and some that have failed, and all the struggles with school and with people that i can remember. every click of the camera was signifying an end to this stage of life.
how silly it was that we were celebrating how good i can regurgitate assignment solutions. why pay 100 dollars to frame assignment solutions? convocation was as wonderful as it was meaningless.
after that wonderful week, i came back to toronto to relive being back at home. here is when i start having trouble recounting individual events, and the time in the summer has been a blur. i tried to think of the things i wanted to do, and i tried to start thinking about my life not in 4 month chunks but for the long term. it worked sometimes but most of the time it didn't because i couldn't see myself in the long term. i was beginning to get asked by everyone what my plan was, and whether i had a job lined up, and i would say that i didn't, much to the opposite of a lot of my friends. they would ask me what i want to do, and i would try to give them some weak answers. the reality is that i couldn't figure it out because i didn't know. do i want to do aerospace? kind of. i guess i can. am i brave enough to do something completely outside engineering? even if i was good at it? not really. these thoughts were coupled with pressure and complete unreasonableness from the family. "if you're not at work, then you're at school. nothing else".
i think i fill my time with meaningless things that are fun. i fill my time with fun. i sleep and wake up at times that are not normal, and i feel like i've been in every time zone in the world from this summer. the more fun things i find, the more that i push the serious stuff away for later. i started to hide from serious stuff, because i'm good at that. sometimes i realize that, so i force myself to do serious stuff, and it works for short periods of time, but really, i think my heart likes doing fun meaningless things.
but there were serious things that i needed to do so that it looks like i'm still a serious person. i signed up to teach sunday school and i went back to men's group, which required me to think and talk about some serious things, but i only need to do those things when those times come. and when the time does come, then i never really want to do it, and i would rather do fun meaningless things instead.
then of course, i had just a fabulous little predicament when july ended. it was always on my mind, and it would keep me up at nights. why couldn't i do it? time was running out. i just couldn't keep it in me, and i told all sorts of people. and one by one they would speak some sense to me, and i would have to agree with them, and feel pretty defeated and that i may have wasted my time and energy. it's so silly.
time is running out. will i do the serious things that i need to do? how do i think for the long term, and act for the long term? what have i learned this summer? i think i learned nothing. i think i'm moving backwards because i can disguise who i am, and hide from everyone else. maybe i am trying to protect my heart, the heart that is dying to admit that it is not ready for real life, not suitable for real life.
there is no playbook, and there is now a new variable called risk.
so where is GOD in all of this? i need the meaning and the direction, and the ownership: God's ownership in my life, and my ownership that i've lived life for God. i don't have either of those things, so everything is, when i think about it, truly meaningless. let's do it, loneliness.
i have to wonder whether i've become better as a person since i finished school. in a matter of days after the last few exams were done, we had to empty out mcdougall, say our final goodbyes to everyone, and leave university behind us for good, for the first time. in a matter of days, it was a traveling frenzy. we took planes more than some people here take taxis. i traveled to halifax, to vancouver, to hong kong, to all sorts of places in china, and i followed the flow of the trip as a lemming, not knowing where i'd go or what i'd be doing.
then i came back, and went to waterloo. i found myself in a world where familiar friends belonged in, but a world that i was slowly passing away from. i found other people living in my house, and i realize i could no longer call it "my house" anymore. it was something to adjust to, but it was taking a bit of time to allow the others to make mcdougall what it was for themselves and make it a new creation, for a new purpose. in a way, they were doing a better job at that than i was. mcdougall can no longer be a place of security because it is just a house.
so i watched my friends convocate. it was fascinating just how many people showed up to.. take pictures with us, and to be happy for us. it's a great reason for all of us to dress up, look nice and stand in a line and take pictures before we finally leave. but as i stood there, suit, gown, degree and all, every time a picture was taken, i saw in my eyes and in the eyes of others all the things that have happened in the past 5 years in waterloo. i could see all the relationships i've tried to build, and some that have failed, and all the struggles with school and with people that i can remember. every click of the camera was signifying an end to this stage of life.
how silly it was that we were celebrating how good i can regurgitate assignment solutions. why pay 100 dollars to frame assignment solutions? convocation was as wonderful as it was meaningless.
after that wonderful week, i came back to toronto to relive being back at home. here is when i start having trouble recounting individual events, and the time in the summer has been a blur. i tried to think of the things i wanted to do, and i tried to start thinking about my life not in 4 month chunks but for the long term. it worked sometimes but most of the time it didn't because i couldn't see myself in the long term. i was beginning to get asked by everyone what my plan was, and whether i had a job lined up, and i would say that i didn't, much to the opposite of a lot of my friends. they would ask me what i want to do, and i would try to give them some weak answers. the reality is that i couldn't figure it out because i didn't know. do i want to do aerospace? kind of. i guess i can. am i brave enough to do something completely outside engineering? even if i was good at it? not really. these thoughts were coupled with pressure and complete unreasonableness from the family. "if you're not at work, then you're at school. nothing else".
i think i fill my time with meaningless things that are fun. i fill my time with fun. i sleep and wake up at times that are not normal, and i feel like i've been in every time zone in the world from this summer. the more fun things i find, the more that i push the serious stuff away for later. i started to hide from serious stuff, because i'm good at that. sometimes i realize that, so i force myself to do serious stuff, and it works for short periods of time, but really, i think my heart likes doing fun meaningless things.
but there were serious things that i needed to do so that it looks like i'm still a serious person. i signed up to teach sunday school and i went back to men's group, which required me to think and talk about some serious things, but i only need to do those things when those times come. and when the time does come, then i never really want to do it, and i would rather do fun meaningless things instead.
then of course, i had just a fabulous little predicament when july ended. it was always on my mind, and it would keep me up at nights. why couldn't i do it? time was running out. i just couldn't keep it in me, and i told all sorts of people. and one by one they would speak some sense to me, and i would have to agree with them, and feel pretty defeated and that i may have wasted my time and energy. it's so silly.
time is running out. will i do the serious things that i need to do? how do i think for the long term, and act for the long term? what have i learned this summer? i think i learned nothing. i think i'm moving backwards because i can disguise who i am, and hide from everyone else. maybe i am trying to protect my heart, the heart that is dying to admit that it is not ready for real life, not suitable for real life.
there is no playbook, and there is now a new variable called risk.
so where is GOD in all of this? i need the meaning and the direction, and the ownership: God's ownership in my life, and my ownership that i've lived life for God. i don't have either of those things, so everything is, when i think about it, truly meaningless. let's do it, loneliness.
Wednesday, August 05, 2009
God can make use of each life stage in a powerful and effective way.
we've been used to thinking that faith is... the right co-op job. or finding the right house to live in. or for our exam results to be the way they should be, so that our future can be the way it should be.
maybe back then we were only strong enough to just.. wait. and just live as we normally live, and study as we normally study, and make choices as we normally make choices.
but now that is all over.
what kind of faith is needed now?
faith that asks.. no, requires you to step out of yourself. faith that requires you to face your fears and weaknesses and pain. to make those big decisions not solely for yourself, but for everyone around you.
where you are to think and do the exact opposite of what you would normally do, in total discomfort and uncertainty, to put everything that you are on the line, with only everything that you are not left to stand on.
the faith that is the difference between a real man and the little boy.
the time where the fighting has been done for you is over. it's time to pull out my sword.
but i am scared that i don't have this kind of faith.
we've been used to thinking that faith is... the right co-op job. or finding the right house to live in. or for our exam results to be the way they should be, so that our future can be the way it should be.
maybe back then we were only strong enough to just.. wait. and just live as we normally live, and study as we normally study, and make choices as we normally make choices.
but now that is all over.
what kind of faith is needed now?
faith that asks.. no, requires you to step out of yourself. faith that requires you to face your fears and weaknesses and pain. to make those big decisions not solely for yourself, but for everyone around you.
where you are to think and do the exact opposite of what you would normally do, in total discomfort and uncertainty, to put everything that you are on the line, with only everything that you are not left to stand on.
the faith that is the difference between a real man and the little boy.
the time where the fighting has been done for you is over. it's time to pull out my sword.
but i am scared that i don't have this kind of faith.
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