i'm not one to just write what i did one day.. but today just seemed like life was talking to me so i'm gonna write it down.
it started so simple. one tone of.. beep. my eyes slowly opened.. and burned. it was dark of course, which was a huge contrast to the usual low sun that i was used to. i had previously decided to snooze for 10-15 more minutes before getting out of bed to pick up my friend to drive him to the airport. i also had decided not to brush my teeth or anything, and to keep my blanket in a covered position so that it would keep the warm in when i came back.
i managed to drive to the airport and back in half an hour, because traffic was tolerable. i got home, eyes burning less, and checked the blanket to find that it was.. still a bit warm. satisfied i crawled back into my cocoon in expectancy of a once again screwed up sleep schedule.
i ended waking up at 11 and getting a text message that i was being visited in half an hour. i eventually got up, with the previous 5 hours of memory surprisingly hidden and remote. maybe hidden by what was to come? lunch with old friends? softball with people you've never played with and also with those you've played with? then i learned that anticipation of good things clouds judgment.
i always wonder whether digging from the past was a good thing or not. over the past year it has felt like the answer was that it wasn't, and that i should hold onto the present and live in the present. all good things come to an end, and lingering in the past will do me no good. my anticipation for hanging out with old friends clearly denied that principle, and as lunch went along, i was sliced by the feeling of time flowing past me, without me. slices sting, and those old moments of strength, of reaching to people that needed that reaching, seemed to melt away into spectatorship. so is it a good thing to hold onto the past? does the disjoint actually matter? that is just the same question as the first one.
with time on my mind, it was about time to check for the next moment i will get incredibly angry. before i went for lunch, i was told to come back as soon as possible to drive my family's friend back home. not asked.. told. i went to lunch, and got two more phone calls demanding that i go home to drive her. anticipation clouds judgment. the aforementioned slicing was soon accompanied by the familiar rush of anger adrenaline through my blood. then a myriad of questions arise, such as where is the respect, who do they think i am, why should i listen to them and what inanimate object can i destroy to get the anger and disrespect out of me.
i did what i was asked.. i mean told. if the person that i was driving was not someone i considered a friend, and someone that i RESPECTED, i would have been unagreeable to converse with, but i was not that way. anticipation clouded my judgment, but there was enough sun peeking through to help me see respect. the sun helped me realize that it wasn't the extra effort that i was fighting for, because i gave my extra effort all the time. what i was fighting for was my own choices and choosing for myself instead of demands disguised as choices. as i dropped my friend off, we engaged in some small talk about my looking for work, and my explaining how more school doesn't actually help me. by the time it got to her house some 5 minutes from the field, she was telling me her experiences in life and how much difficulties she's had to deal with in her life related to work. that in life, we need to get used to not having things go our own way. so there is no use being stubborn and fighting so much for your way. then i thought about how the asian way is a dictatorship, and no fighting means never getting what you want or deserve. then she said to remember that everything is created and owned by God. our skills and our money and resources are all from God, the Father of lights. if He gives it to us to use, then we can use it.
i don't know when the next time i will see her again. whenever i talked to her, i've appreciated her wisdom, though i couldn't follow everything she said. i drove back to the field confused about whether to still feel angry about being bossed around, or be at peace at some of the wisdom i just received. i returned to the field and played some softball.
it approached 4 o clock. i saw teenagers with baseball gear approach the field, and memories of my softball gathering from last year's surfaced. those memories were simply that bayview village park is a permit park, where leagues can reserve the field. i knew that we will have to relocate, and i eventually came up with seneca hill. clearly my previous year's choice of elkhorn public school was a disaster, as the field was tiny as well as kid covered. i racked my brain and came up with seneca hill, a park which i haven't gone to in years, and secretly hoped for good results from.
the phone rang. the most dangerous part of talking on the cell phone while driving is pulling it out of my pocket. i reached and pulled for my phone and looked to see that i was being called by my tutee.
my goodness it was tuesday afternoon.
all that anticipating clouded my judgment. i picked up the phone, and already started saying frick. i completely forgot i had to tutor today, do you want to just reschedule for thursday? yes that would probably be best. see you thursday. i hung up, and the feeling of disappointment and unprofessionalism washed over me. i couldn't believe i was so stupid to forget something that was consistently scheduled on the same day every week. i ran out of words to say at my mistake, while others in the car consoled me.
softball restarted again. things seem to calm down as things seemed to finally settle down. i got no more surprise phone calls, and the group of people playing came to equilibrium. the clutter in my mind cleared away just a bit for me to realize what i was doing. i looked around and saw that i was the only university graduate among a big group of students playing softball because they just finished a difficult few weeks of exams. and i've been looking for work for approaching a year now, and people that have jobs don't play softball during the day. was this an embarassment? or is this a time to appreciate friends who happen to be in a different life stage from me, and that this is my time to share with them? which one is it? should i be proud of myself or embarassed at myself?
maybe it was all these questions going through my head that made me make mistakes during softball. it's all psychological i'm telling you.
i have more thoughts come to me for the rest of the night when i was at fairview, when i ate dinner by myself, and when i watched kickass (why do i have deep thoughts after watching kickass?), but when the day finally ended and i stopped to think about how overwhelming a simple day was, i realized that everything was the same.
everything asked me who i am today.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
the problem of sleep #4
final fantasy xiii.
on march 9th, the thirteenth installment of the final fantasy series became available in canada, and on march 10th, my own copy arrived in my own mailbox. i did not hesistate to open it up and get cracking. some of you probably know that i've played and completed final fantasy 3 (6), 7, 8, 9, 10, and 12 all close to 100% completion, and my standards for this final fantasy surely will not change. my final fantasy 13 play file is at 80 hours now, which some ppl may be shocked at, but this is nowhere close to my other final fantasy files. this is just the beginning.
so it's been practically a month where i've been dealing with sleep issues again. it's been a while since my last entry about sleep, but the problem that i've been dealing with is as follows: sleeping in until i no longer need to sleep, but that would make me sleep later at night, which causes me to sleep in even later. it's a never ending cycle that doesn't and wouldn't break.
for a very long time i've been trying to find a way to break the cycle. but while i've been experimenting ideas, since i AM awake at night with nothing much to do, i fire up final fantasy and progress my team. sometimes ppl would ask me why i'm staying up so late to play final fantasy. but i would say that it's because i can't sleep that i'm playing final fantasy.
that's what i think. but as time progressed, i started to doubt myself. can i honestly say that final fantasy was having a positive effect on my sleep schedule? i couldn't. but was it having a negative effect on my sleep schedule? i also couldn't say. i was left with arguing with myself which one it was.
life was becoming way too affected by my unconventional sleep schedule. a lot of times i would miss work because i wake up too late and it was just weird to go to work so late. when normal people are tired, i'm not tired at all. and if this was all caused by final fantasy? has my lifelong dedication to the franchise been gradually leading to my demise?
in my days of thinking and working toward my future, i decided to take a course in waterloo on project management. it was a three day course, starting at 9am and ending at 430pm. with an average wake up time of 130pm on a regular basis, waking up at 8am for 3 days in a row and staying awake for 8 hours straight is most certainly impossible with my track record. i had to start thinking of a contingency plan. i tried staying up all night and then sleeping early next day after tiring myself out, but that generally led to sleeping over 12 hours. i tried staying up late (or on time) and then waking up early for church the next day.. and then with 4 hours more sleep than the all nighter method, i tried sleeping early. but i still ended up sleeping some 13 hours, and couldn't sleep early the next day. it got to a point where i considered taking sleeping pills early in the evening and then sleep, but the only thing that deterred me was how i would explain to my mom why i want sleeping pills... and also how it might screw up my body. in the end, i decided to put myself through the pain of putting my alarm clock not only hard to reach in my room.. but completely outside of my room. i put my alarm clock high up on a desk outside of my room and gave it a shot. the first day, i got up to turn it off and then went back to sleep, and slept for 2 more hours until 1pm. seemed like a failure. but the NEXT day, for some reason i was able to wake up at 11ish. and the next day after that, i was able to wake up at 10. and then by sunday, i woke up just fine for church, and monday being the start of my project management course, i didn't have too much problem getting up at around 830am. and i did get up for 3 days consecutively with not much problem.
i'm starting to feel a bit like a normal person again. i wonder why in the world i start feeling tired before midnight, but apparently everyone is like that. but if things go well, this may be the last mention of the problem of sleep. i guess now i feel like i can play more final fantasy.
on march 9th, the thirteenth installment of the final fantasy series became available in canada, and on march 10th, my own copy arrived in my own mailbox. i did not hesistate to open it up and get cracking. some of you probably know that i've played and completed final fantasy 3 (6), 7, 8, 9, 10, and 12 all close to 100% completion, and my standards for this final fantasy surely will not change. my final fantasy 13 play file is at 80 hours now, which some ppl may be shocked at, but this is nowhere close to my other final fantasy files. this is just the beginning.
so it's been practically a month where i've been dealing with sleep issues again. it's been a while since my last entry about sleep, but the problem that i've been dealing with is as follows: sleeping in until i no longer need to sleep, but that would make me sleep later at night, which causes me to sleep in even later. it's a never ending cycle that doesn't and wouldn't break.
for a very long time i've been trying to find a way to break the cycle. but while i've been experimenting ideas, since i AM awake at night with nothing much to do, i fire up final fantasy and progress my team. sometimes ppl would ask me why i'm staying up so late to play final fantasy. but i would say that it's because i can't sleep that i'm playing final fantasy.
that's what i think. but as time progressed, i started to doubt myself. can i honestly say that final fantasy was having a positive effect on my sleep schedule? i couldn't. but was it having a negative effect on my sleep schedule? i also couldn't say. i was left with arguing with myself which one it was.
life was becoming way too affected by my unconventional sleep schedule. a lot of times i would miss work because i wake up too late and it was just weird to go to work so late. when normal people are tired, i'm not tired at all. and if this was all caused by final fantasy? has my lifelong dedication to the franchise been gradually leading to my demise?
in my days of thinking and working toward my future, i decided to take a course in waterloo on project management. it was a three day course, starting at 9am and ending at 430pm. with an average wake up time of 130pm on a regular basis, waking up at 8am for 3 days in a row and staying awake for 8 hours straight is most certainly impossible with my track record. i had to start thinking of a contingency plan. i tried staying up all night and then sleeping early next day after tiring myself out, but that generally led to sleeping over 12 hours. i tried staying up late (or on time) and then waking up early for church the next day.. and then with 4 hours more sleep than the all nighter method, i tried sleeping early. but i still ended up sleeping some 13 hours, and couldn't sleep early the next day. it got to a point where i considered taking sleeping pills early in the evening and then sleep, but the only thing that deterred me was how i would explain to my mom why i want sleeping pills... and also how it might screw up my body. in the end, i decided to put myself through the pain of putting my alarm clock not only hard to reach in my room.. but completely outside of my room. i put my alarm clock high up on a desk outside of my room and gave it a shot. the first day, i got up to turn it off and then went back to sleep, and slept for 2 more hours until 1pm. seemed like a failure. but the NEXT day, for some reason i was able to wake up at 11ish. and the next day after that, i was able to wake up at 10. and then by sunday, i woke up just fine for church, and monday being the start of my project management course, i didn't have too much problem getting up at around 830am. and i did get up for 3 days consecutively with not much problem.
i'm starting to feel a bit like a normal person again. i wonder why in the world i start feeling tired before midnight, but apparently everyone is like that. but if things go well, this may be the last mention of the problem of sleep. i guess now i feel like i can play more final fantasy.
Saturday, January 16, 2010
nostalgia, peace, "we all need psychiatrists", safety, and new year
haven't written in so long that i'm almost forgetting what's been happening. i think i didn't write for the fear that i had to think and reflect.. which has been a bad habit this year.
a lot has happened since the last time i blogged, so i think i will just spill it all out. i survived my first school term as a graduate. it felt natural that i would spend more time with church friends instead of waterloo people because some distance has developed. a lot has to do with lifestage. those at church are either done school, or away at school and i wouldn't see them anyway. it's been a bit surprising but some of the friendships with church people have been getting better, which has been a positive thing these few months. but as i do that, it's inevitable that i hear stories of the happenings of waterloo. i miss the late night gatherings. the mcdougall dinners. i miss how the fun was so.. accessible. it was accessible and it was so easy. i had approached graduation stoically, but i'm also starting to miss the small things. the little conversations and the casual teasing that secretly tug at the heartstrings. i start to wonder whether i would be able to restore life back to the same sense of fun and fulfillment.
my pastor from montreal had emailed and called me to arrange to meet up in toronto since he was visiting. we had been close during the time i was in montreal, but was hesitant to respond to him immediately. he was persistent in finding a time to meet and catch up. i think i was afraid of what he might tell me, and that he may penetrate the painful parts of my heart. we met up and we talked about very regular things for the most part. i talked about what has been happening to me for the past year and the things that i've done and plan to do. it all seemed normal until the end where he did end up saying things that hurt. he always had the knack to see your greatest weakness, and it wouldn't even take that much time for him to see it. he said that i divided myself into all these activities, but they were really just escape valves. and i would run to each of these things and avoid my true issues at hand. and really, i was not experiencing peace. i was living a life jumping from one activity to the next and i experienced no peace.. and no security. he advised that i should exercise my faith. and one way to do this is to get out of my comfort zone and try something new that actually.. requires faith. and that living at home is restraining and restricting me. i had previously realized this point before, but he anunciated this much clearer than me. it hurt me but it was the truth.
i've still been able to put a lot of time into talking with people, and it starts getting to talking about each other's problems. it's wonderful that friends are willing to share their problems with me, and that they would listen to my problems. but after a while you start to get a feel for what kind of problems are out there. and as you talk to more and more people, you start hearing of the craziest problems out there. then you realize.. some of these problems may not actually be solvable. as the world gets more and more complex, and sin and evil penetrate lives in its subtle manner, plus people just get more and more stubborn, you realize that there is only so much within your power that you can do. and those unsolvable problems slowly seep into your emotions. people live in frustration and even pain among their issues. i understand that there are a lot of issues that requires all parties to go outside of their comfort zones and allow God's grace to enter.. but there is something else more interesting. that with all these complex issues that we deal with, i found that i wasn't the only one that thinks to get a psychiatrist to help sort out their issues. so there are bunches of people that have confused minds too. i propose that we all get together and go for a psychiatrist date together.
there was a conversation topic that was consistent throughout these few months, and it's worth some mention here. it started with me and my friends talking about boring people, and what kind of people are boring. we were just saying.. there are some people that are just.. boring to be around haha. like they don't have much to talk about, or don't really input much into the conversations. obviously this is something that people might take offense to, so it is not necessarily something you say in someone's face unless you know they can take it. we left this topic for a bit.. but some time later i had a conversation with someone else about personalities. it got to talking about me, and she said.. "victor, you are the safe choice. you're safe." that didn't sound flattering to me, because i thought "safe" was synonymous to boring. and i took a bit of offense to that because i think that at peak performance i am the opposite of boring. but then she explained what she meant.. that safe person is a person that does not take risks, does not make rash or decisions, or is responsible for their actions. a safe guy makes decisions that are good for them, and good for their future, and has a good career path. a safe person is a generally solid person. so i was a safe guy. it still sounds like it means boring, and i didn't want to be known as a person that isn't willing ot take risks, but i was starting to be more of a believer as they were able to predict some of my decisions because of apparent "safeness". it was comical going through who among us were UNsafe. and it was apparent that these unsafe guys had a certain way of making decisions or had crazy interests or just aren't as responsible. some time later we also started talking about how most of the people at our church are very.. not normal or regular, and some people even thought that i was one of the most regular person among them. haha that was funny to me. are you safe or unsafe? which one do you want to be?
this brings me finally to the last topic about the new year. christmas was a very busy time of hanging out with people and having fun. we saw the same people for almost consecutive days and we weren't sick of them, which was great. but one of the craziest things we did was the new year's eve party. our new year's eve party was themed as.. crude chinese stereotypes. normally i do not talk much of events, but i thought it was worth it just to show some pictures from that night. there are some people that would not want these pictures to be revealed to the world but.. i don't care because this is my blog haha.
in the new year, i've thought back to all the things that have happened in 2009. but this year, i want things to be better. i want to have more focus. so 2010 will be a year where i will focus more.
so here are the pictures.. enjoy.
a lot has happened since the last time i blogged, so i think i will just spill it all out. i survived my first school term as a graduate. it felt natural that i would spend more time with church friends instead of waterloo people because some distance has developed. a lot has to do with lifestage. those at church are either done school, or away at school and i wouldn't see them anyway. it's been a bit surprising but some of the friendships with church people have been getting better, which has been a positive thing these few months. but as i do that, it's inevitable that i hear stories of the happenings of waterloo. i miss the late night gatherings. the mcdougall dinners. i miss how the fun was so.. accessible. it was accessible and it was so easy. i had approached graduation stoically, but i'm also starting to miss the small things. the little conversations and the casual teasing that secretly tug at the heartstrings. i start to wonder whether i would be able to restore life back to the same sense of fun and fulfillment.
my pastor from montreal had emailed and called me to arrange to meet up in toronto since he was visiting. we had been close during the time i was in montreal, but was hesitant to respond to him immediately. he was persistent in finding a time to meet and catch up. i think i was afraid of what he might tell me, and that he may penetrate the painful parts of my heart. we met up and we talked about very regular things for the most part. i talked about what has been happening to me for the past year and the things that i've done and plan to do. it all seemed normal until the end where he did end up saying things that hurt. he always had the knack to see your greatest weakness, and it wouldn't even take that much time for him to see it. he said that i divided myself into all these activities, but they were really just escape valves. and i would run to each of these things and avoid my true issues at hand. and really, i was not experiencing peace. i was living a life jumping from one activity to the next and i experienced no peace.. and no security. he advised that i should exercise my faith. and one way to do this is to get out of my comfort zone and try something new that actually.. requires faith. and that living at home is restraining and restricting me. i had previously realized this point before, but he anunciated this much clearer than me. it hurt me but it was the truth.
i've still been able to put a lot of time into talking with people, and it starts getting to talking about each other's problems. it's wonderful that friends are willing to share their problems with me, and that they would listen to my problems. but after a while you start to get a feel for what kind of problems are out there. and as you talk to more and more people, you start hearing of the craziest problems out there. then you realize.. some of these problems may not actually be solvable. as the world gets more and more complex, and sin and evil penetrate lives in its subtle manner, plus people just get more and more stubborn, you realize that there is only so much within your power that you can do. and those unsolvable problems slowly seep into your emotions. people live in frustration and even pain among their issues. i understand that there are a lot of issues that requires all parties to go outside of their comfort zones and allow God's grace to enter.. but there is something else more interesting. that with all these complex issues that we deal with, i found that i wasn't the only one that thinks to get a psychiatrist to help sort out their issues. so there are bunches of people that have confused minds too. i propose that we all get together and go for a psychiatrist date together.
there was a conversation topic that was consistent throughout these few months, and it's worth some mention here. it started with me and my friends talking about boring people, and what kind of people are boring. we were just saying.. there are some people that are just.. boring to be around haha. like they don't have much to talk about, or don't really input much into the conversations. obviously this is something that people might take offense to, so it is not necessarily something you say in someone's face unless you know they can take it. we left this topic for a bit.. but some time later i had a conversation with someone else about personalities. it got to talking about me, and she said.. "victor, you are the safe choice. you're safe." that didn't sound flattering to me, because i thought "safe" was synonymous to boring. and i took a bit of offense to that because i think that at peak performance i am the opposite of boring. but then she explained what she meant.. that safe person is a person that does not take risks, does not make rash or decisions, or is responsible for their actions. a safe guy makes decisions that are good for them, and good for their future, and has a good career path. a safe person is a generally solid person. so i was a safe guy. it still sounds like it means boring, and i didn't want to be known as a person that isn't willing ot take risks, but i was starting to be more of a believer as they were able to predict some of my decisions because of apparent "safeness". it was comical going through who among us were UNsafe. and it was apparent that these unsafe guys had a certain way of making decisions or had crazy interests or just aren't as responsible. some time later we also started talking about how most of the people at our church are very.. not normal or regular, and some people even thought that i was one of the most regular person among them. haha that was funny to me. are you safe or unsafe? which one do you want to be?
this brings me finally to the last topic about the new year. christmas was a very busy time of hanging out with people and having fun. we saw the same people for almost consecutive days and we weren't sick of them, which was great. but one of the craziest things we did was the new year's eve party. our new year's eve party was themed as.. crude chinese stereotypes. normally i do not talk much of events, but i thought it was worth it just to show some pictures from that night. there are some people that would not want these pictures to be revealed to the world but.. i don't care because this is my blog haha.
in the new year, i've thought back to all the things that have happened in 2009. but this year, i want things to be better. i want to have more focus. so 2010 will be a year where i will focus more.
so here are the pictures.. enjoy.
Monday, December 07, 2009
Sunday, October 18, 2009
more life in limbo
it's been almost a full 4 months since i've been in limbo, and i've thought of enough stuff to write up a bit about life as of late. how does a person manage infinite time?
in an average life, most people can divide their time in 4 sections: productive time (work or school), church/fellowship/serving life, family and friend relations, and fun free time. the productive time usually is a very large part for most people, but for those unemployed, this time now becomes freed, and as a result must be distributed between the other parts of life. therefore, any issues regarding those 3 sections of life are also magnified. i've already said my bit about difficulties living at home. that's been diverging to a plateau, so it's been manageable as of late. i have tried to do more things at church, but for obvious reasons i cannot just DO things at church to fill time, but there is a very direct connection between serving and your spiritual life and your relationship with God. i experienced 2 worship teams at a time for the first time, and that was a party and a half. i had something like 5 worship practices in 2 or 3 weeks. i got to experience the differences in style in 2 teams and that was interesting. i have since said no to a group and things will be back to normal. teaching the gr12 sunday school's been going okay so far, but the real test is coming up this week. the one thing out of the ordinary that i've been doing is the tutoring, which is starting to get a bit routine but it's moderately enjoyable and keeps my brain working. it's a shock when you see something an engineer would consider fundamental and how you have actually forgotten it (what is a cross product again.. and how do you do vector proving questions :|)
i taught on "spiritual identity" at sunday school this week, with some material taken from the "making sense of church" sermon series by jon tyson, and i find it quite relevant to what i am experiencing. in the sermon, he defined modernism as "where reality validates media" and postmodernism to be "where media validates reality". we are in a postmodern age. we are so entranced by the media and overstimulated senses that it begins to shape our worldview (looking out) and our identity (looking in). we begin to see real events like it was from a movie. how did we get so desensitized to pain and suffering in the world? maybe because we watched too many movies with people dying. but not only that, our timing moves at the same rate as a movie. we never see movies that have boring scenes because it is not fun to watch. but in life, there are times where it has to be boring, but we cannot accept that because that is not the same pace as a movie. our timing is screwed up and we don't know how to wait. i don't know how to wait for a job opportunity.
secondly, i said in class that people often define you by what you do. we start our conversations with "what have you been up to?" if you know them, or "what do you do for a living?" or "what do you study?" if you don't know them. well lucky me, those questions do not apply to me. limbo means you do not fit in the social definition of identity, and we are looked down upon. an article i read up in a business week magazine says that unemployment is getting worse for those just graduating from university, because there aren't enough jobs opened and people won't retire because of the instability and risk. when employers look for people, they naturally frown upon those with gaps in their resume, but really they are subconsciously discriminating those victims of the recession-induced unemployed generation, who are probably more than capable to do the work (ahem, me). the work force says they want me, but they don't actually want me.
we naturally agree that we can get along best with those most similar to us. i am no longer a student, but i am not a working professional. well lucky me, guess what all my friends are. i have seen a pretty obvious decline in interactions with people, whether i was close to them or not before.. but the change occurred in the span of months. and the reasons sometimes understandable. people just don't have as much time to sit in front of their computers to just talk to me. but it is clear that the things that all the students and young professionals are doing.. i am not doing these things. so you have just lost one very large slice of conversation pie because i don't do the things that you do. interesting enough that the people that i've been seeing more often are also unemployed.. granted that they are close friends, but they are in the same stage as me. i am not complaining, but i just think people should smarten up a bit, because these boundaries as mentioned are at best defined by society and relationships should not be based on stupy society. for some time i panicked that i have become less interesting because i'm in limbo, but then i shook it off and realized that was bull crap. we can all do better, no matter what stage of life we are in.
i'm coming to enjoy some of the perks of limbo. some of you would pay me if i could transfer sleep to you.. 10 hours of sleep a day is just a beauty. doing quadrant 4 stuff is sometimes a waste of time.. but with infinite time, you can afford a few hours to play video games or whatever haha.. quite fun. procrastination never felt better because i give myself a full week to do stuff.. and if you don't make it, then there's always next week. if i wanted to, i can take trips whenever i want, while you are all chained to your school and work. and because i tutor, i get money by teaching kids stuff that is engineering bread and butter.. easy stuff after you glance at your old textbooks again haha, so it funds my fun activities, toys, etc.
the good? the bad? if only we could decide what we want.
in an average life, most people can divide their time in 4 sections: productive time (work or school), church/fellowship/serving life, family and friend relations, and fun free time. the productive time usually is a very large part for most people, but for those unemployed, this time now becomes freed, and as a result must be distributed between the other parts of life. therefore, any issues regarding those 3 sections of life are also magnified. i've already said my bit about difficulties living at home. that's been diverging to a plateau, so it's been manageable as of late. i have tried to do more things at church, but for obvious reasons i cannot just DO things at church to fill time, but there is a very direct connection between serving and your spiritual life and your relationship with God. i experienced 2 worship teams at a time for the first time, and that was a party and a half. i had something like 5 worship practices in 2 or 3 weeks. i got to experience the differences in style in 2 teams and that was interesting. i have since said no to a group and things will be back to normal. teaching the gr12 sunday school's been going okay so far, but the real test is coming up this week. the one thing out of the ordinary that i've been doing is the tutoring, which is starting to get a bit routine but it's moderately enjoyable and keeps my brain working. it's a shock when you see something an engineer would consider fundamental and how you have actually forgotten it (what is a cross product again.. and how do you do vector proving questions :|)
i taught on "spiritual identity" at sunday school this week, with some material taken from the "making sense of church" sermon series by jon tyson, and i find it quite relevant to what i am experiencing. in the sermon, he defined modernism as "where reality validates media" and postmodernism to be "where media validates reality". we are in a postmodern age. we are so entranced by the media and overstimulated senses that it begins to shape our worldview (looking out) and our identity (looking in). we begin to see real events like it was from a movie. how did we get so desensitized to pain and suffering in the world? maybe because we watched too many movies with people dying. but not only that, our timing moves at the same rate as a movie. we never see movies that have boring scenes because it is not fun to watch. but in life, there are times where it has to be boring, but we cannot accept that because that is not the same pace as a movie. our timing is screwed up and we don't know how to wait. i don't know how to wait for a job opportunity.
secondly, i said in class that people often define you by what you do. we start our conversations with "what have you been up to?" if you know them, or "what do you do for a living?" or "what do you study?" if you don't know them. well lucky me, those questions do not apply to me. limbo means you do not fit in the social definition of identity, and we are looked down upon. an article i read up in a business week magazine says that unemployment is getting worse for those just graduating from university, because there aren't enough jobs opened and people won't retire because of the instability and risk. when employers look for people, they naturally frown upon those with gaps in their resume, but really they are subconsciously discriminating those victims of the recession-induced unemployed generation, who are probably more than capable to do the work (ahem, me). the work force says they want me, but they don't actually want me.
we naturally agree that we can get along best with those most similar to us. i am no longer a student, but i am not a working professional. well lucky me, guess what all my friends are. i have seen a pretty obvious decline in interactions with people, whether i was close to them or not before.. but the change occurred in the span of months. and the reasons sometimes understandable. people just don't have as much time to sit in front of their computers to just talk to me. but it is clear that the things that all the students and young professionals are doing.. i am not doing these things. so you have just lost one very large slice of conversation pie because i don't do the things that you do. interesting enough that the people that i've been seeing more often are also unemployed.. granted that they are close friends, but they are in the same stage as me. i am not complaining, but i just think people should smarten up a bit, because these boundaries as mentioned are at best defined by society and relationships should not be based on stupy society. for some time i panicked that i have become less interesting because i'm in limbo, but then i shook it off and realized that was bull crap. we can all do better, no matter what stage of life we are in.
i'm coming to enjoy some of the perks of limbo. some of you would pay me if i could transfer sleep to you.. 10 hours of sleep a day is just a beauty. doing quadrant 4 stuff is sometimes a waste of time.. but with infinite time, you can afford a few hours to play video games or whatever haha.. quite fun. procrastination never felt better because i give myself a full week to do stuff.. and if you don't make it, then there's always next week. if i wanted to, i can take trips whenever i want, while you are all chained to your school and work. and because i tutor, i get money by teaching kids stuff that is engineering bread and butter.. easy stuff after you glance at your old textbooks again haha, so it funds my fun activities, toys, etc.
the good? the bad? if only we could decide what we want.
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