the munchings of a considerate narcissist

it was late. the sky was black, with light rain sprinkling, as a typical fall night would in toronto. i had just finished watching a movie with a friend and on my way home. I did not have much food before the movie, and by now my hunger governed me to detour to a burger joint. i found one still open  and entered. There was a surprising number of people inside considering the time, so i had to line up to order.

i ordered their signature burger, fries and a small drink. with my tray, i picked a spot away from people and took a seat. i was ravenous by then, and wasted no time to open up my burger while devouring the fries. when i was able to catch a breath, i realized i was sitting across from the window, and i could see own reflection in the window while looking out. there i was, one guy, eating a burger, stoic, darkness surrounding me. then i realized that this was an image of one of the most lonely and self-serving experiences i could have.

the image stared back at me, and asked me how I got to this place. it was this whole year, summed up in one burger and fries: it was delicious; it was unhealthy. it was hopeful; it was anxiety. it was caring; it was selfish.

there is freedom knowing that there is an end to what is not right for you. I believed that there was no point being less than satisfied with something I know I could do but not believe the heart of. early this year I made the first high risk decision of my life to quit my stable job. I made my second high risk decision of my life to apply for teacher's college. this was partially based on one statement "you don't want to one day regret not trying it". high risk decisions get rave reviews. my favorite response was "are you sure?" and people ask about it all the time, which I guess is nice, but seems to me like there isn't much thought put into the questions or they are just misinformed. when people get asked the same question over and over again, we feel bad to give you a crappy answer. I recently heard of one fellow's strategy to not tell anyone any details at all about plans until it is fully completed, so that questions don't get asked. fair or unfair? I faced a year of my family's intermittent disapprovals and manipulative tactics leaving stability to insecurity. by definition, there is no certainty in a high risk decision. you have to make a high risk decision some time if you are going to make a decision for yourself, for better or for worse.

this year has been the biggest year for weddings yet. there were friends and close friends and closest friends getting married. it is wonderful for couples to prepare for their next stage of life, and for them to invite their friends to be a witness to their union. with that comes the celebration and the fun. this year I invented the term "wedding effects". due to the emotions and the atmosphere of a wedding, people have an increased impatience to move to the next stage. there was one rather absurd discussion about not liking their seating arrangement because the seating arrangement clearly reminded him or her of their current stage. these things are never a "at least you are not at this previous stage" even though that may be the first thing you want to say to such a person. but you do not. I invented the term but I think wedding effects led me to do some funny things this time around. silly rabbit. so being a part of a wedding is a great joy. you get to share a moment of spotlight with your friend who deserves all the spotlight then. and people get to see that you were a somebody at least at some point in that person's life. and strangers will have to take that at face value. attention seeking plus wedding effects is a cocktail drug. there's all that fuel about "yeah ladies he's single" and given the opportunity to look good out there, you might as well increase your odds. apparently there was a guy that was surprised that I was single. I had a few mixed emotions when it was all over.. the excitement of "look at me!" plus the joy of "be happy for them!" and the outside talks of "did you meet someone at the wedding this time". after much rational thought, I thought I did splendid.

which leads me to this.
the considerate narcissist.
by appearance a narcissist, but at heart a lover. maybe to a fault.
it's what i've thought is right, for better or for worse.

i check my phone out of habit. there were no messages. i was already finished my burger.
wanting to look back at the reflection no more, i left the restaurant and drove home.

there was one comment a few weeks ago that was given to me that i accepted quickly and without much thought.

in the occurrence of a once-in-twenty-years ice storm in toronto,

i did not see a tree in the middle of my lane leading me to damage the passenger door, and

a large block of ice flew off the car ahead of me and smashed my windshield. 

and i felt unfortunate that this would all happen to me all at once despite not having any car accidents in the 10 years that i've driven. the cost of these events were high, both financially, emotionally, mentally, in a place where admitting my mistakes is no console. because of all of this, i felt i deserved vindication.

then someone said "it's statistical probability." 

any student of probability and statistics can tell you that.. probability and statistics have no feelings. so why should i have any feelings? why should i deserve vindication? why would a dice seek vindication for rolling one number over any other?

***

probability is a tool that God can use.
and we remember:

we can end our own cycle of shame and begin a cycle of hope.  

we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us. romans 5:3-4. 

the problem of sleep #5

my university schedule term has two 8:30's, two 9:30's and one day where class doesn't start until 3:50 pm. it didn't take long for me for me to encounter again my familiar struggle of sleep.

just because it's only the 5th, doesn't mean this hasn't been going on for long.

well it's been back in full force. part of it is the optional nature of classes (most classes are mandatory), but also the need/desire to stay up late to do ____________, or the lack of desire to go to sleep, or also the insatiable desire for satisfaction in entertainment that leads to a late night. the late nights usual result in a high risk wake up for the early class, or the higher probability of sleeping in and waking up at noon. this usually perpetuates into a cycle, requiring a gargantuan effort to break. challenges to break the cycle include staying up and being useful while tired for an entire day, fighting naps, fighting itis,

anyway, this is nothing new and has been written about here 4 times. what is new is more obstacles to go against sleep than before, and more resilience to stay awake late. the high probability sleeping in occurs enough and keeps me awake late into the night. then 3 am became commonplace, so did 4 am, and sometimes 5 am. by the time it gets to those hours, it was absolutely impossible getting up for early classes.

most people do not understand that this isn't so easy as "just sleep earlier" without considering all the external factors, which frustrates me greatly. if it was easy then i would have already done it.

i had some discussion about my cycles, and he suggested that i take melatonin. after some research, i purchased a bottle (located in the vitamins section) and ingested a 3 mg tablet. after sleeping at 5 am the previous night, i aimed to sleep at 2 am. it appeared to have worked, and at least i shifted back 3 hours and am aiming to eventually have an average sleep time of 1 am. i have taken only one pill so far.

here's a little bit on melatonin:

The hormone melatonin helps control your natural sleep-wake cycle. Natural levels of melatonin in the blood are highest at night. Some research suggests that melatonin supplements might be helpful in treating jet lag or reducing the time it takes to fall asleep — although the effect is typically mild. Melatonin might be more effective for other types of sleep issues, such as delayed sleep disorder or sleep disorders affecting circadian rhythm.

If you're considering taking melatonin supplements, check with your doctor first — especially if you have any health conditions. The correct dose depends on the intended use. For example, circadian rhythm sleep disorders are often treated with 0.5 milligrams of melatonin a day, while doses of 3 to 5 milligrams a day might be used to treat jet lag or reduce the time it takes to fall asleep. In addition, remember that melatonin is generally recommended only for short-term use — up to two months. Some research indicates that longer term use might be appropriate in certain cases, however.

If you take melatonin, choose commercial supplements produced in a lab. Melatonin supplements made from animal sources might contain various contaminants. Don't engage in activities that require alertness — such as driving or operating heavy machinery — for four to five hours after taking melatonin.

playing my part in the drama

this past weekend may 31-june 2 was the scbc english retreat, and the speaker invited was a man by the name of sunder krishnan, the senior pastor of rexdale alliance church. i want to jot down a few notes about sermons this weekend before i lose them.

sermon 1: integration
the scripture is not simply a combination of books and letters, but actually a script for the drama of redemption. consisting of the following acts:

Act 1: Creation
Act 2: The Fall of man
Act 3: The call of Israel
Act 4: Jesus
Act 5: Scene 1: The writing of the new testament, Scene 2: Our lives today

Act 5 is still going on today, and we are all a part of it. no one in a play only thinks about their own role, but also the role of everyone else, and more importantly, the director and producer. therefore, we ought to stop looking at the world through our own lenses and looking only at our own personal circles of influence. we ought to look through the world through jesus' lenses, the director and producer. we are not spectators waiting till the end of the show, but active participants waiting to take our cues from the director. we need to stop be so consumed with our own lives that we only have time to watch the drama, but we must integrate every part of our lives into the drama of redemption.

sermon 2: investment
we care about something when we have an investment in it. abraham was invested in sodom because his nephew lot was there, leading him to intercede to God. if we were invested in our missionaries, then it would lead us to care for them. our missionaries that work and serve God require refreshment and encouragement. for those of us who aren't in those roles, we ought to provide this refreshment to them. through investing in the missionaries, we would be compelled to serve them.

i thought this message was different from anything i've heard, because the church had always called us just to become missionaries in our own circles of influence. we all come up with excuses not to do our mission, our part in the play, but do we have excuses not to do the ministry of refreshing and encouraging? that is directly related to who we are willing to invest in. this investment includes good contact and communication, and showing hospitality, giving gifts and serving other practical needs. on the concept of investment, i was reminded of a person that sells. people only sell objects that they have an investment in. would they ever advertise something that they do not have any investment in? which means that when they sell this to you, they are thinking not of your benefit, but their own investment. let our investments not be of ourselves but of our brothers and sisters.

sermon 3: intercession
abraham's prayer/dialogue with God about sodom and gomorrah was not only the first intercessory prayer in the bible, but the first documented cross cultural intercessory prayer in history. intercessory prayer should be "less a polite religious monologue than it is haggling in the marketplace". this action was also the first action that abraham did after God changed his name from abram to abraham, meaning "father of many", as a sign of his covenant with him being the father of many nations. when abraham was haggling with God regarding the number of righteous people that live in sodom and gomorrah before God would spare the entire land, abraham's faith had grew and shifted and he was able to be at peace with God's commands. but abraham was also able to have a mixture of boldness and humility to approach God. we too need that mixture of humility and boldness.

i had always thought that the phrases that abraham used in that conversation such as "if i may be so bold to speak to the Lord" and the like were simply phrases to cover his butt from being destroyed, very similar to those that say "no offense" and then proceed to offend you. i don't find that kind of conversation so "bold". i don't think we have it in us to be as "bold" as abraham was, or how moses was, or any other examples of bold encounters in the bible. but we have Jesus as our savior, and he is our intercessor to God. because of Jesus, we can be as bold as we can be to God.

aragorn II, son of arathorn

most people do not fully understand why i like lord of the rings so much, and generally attribute it to me being a total geek. whether i am a geek or not can be debated, but that is not the reason.

i could speak about how grand the world is or how richly the cultures, languages, and way of life were created by tolkien, or how in depth the history of middle-earth was and how many events in lord of the rings could be explained by previous historical events from the hobbit or the silmarillion, or how it is the perfect story of good triumphing over evil. but as amazing as all these things are, the real reason is because the story of middle-earth is the gospel. most people think that the most important character of the lord of the rings is frodo, and to a certain degree that is true. frodo experienced pain and torment through the one ring and ultimately encountering sauron, but his final triumphant destruction of the ring may overshadow everything that aragorn had done.

aragorn is the most incredible character in the lord of the rings, and arguably the most incredible character in the entire middle-earth. he has been in countless times where he's had to question who he is. and he would eventually accept his identity and rise up to live it out.

aragorn was the son of arathorn, the surviving descendants of elendil and heir to both gondor and arnor. his father arathorn was killed by an orc ambush and aragorn became the sole heir at a young age. aragorn was then sent to rivendell to be raised by elrond. his mother gilraen decides that his lineage should be hidden from him until he comes of age so as to protect the last living heir. so he was given the name "estel" which means "hope". aragorn was to be the hope of men. at age 20, elrond revealed his true name and lineage to him, and gave him two artifacts: the ring of barahir (ancient artifact signifying lineage) and the shards of the sword narsil, which belonged to isildur his ancestor, used to cut the one ring off of sauron's hand. more importantly, he learned that he descended from a line of ancient kings of men. aragorn descended from the line of numenor, blessed with strength, wisdom, resilience, and long life. but elrond withheld the sceptre of annuminas from him. he will only receive the sceptre when he earned the right to possess it as the king.

a man can be told they are a king. but will he choose to live as a king?

after this, aragorn masked his identity and dedicated many years in the wilderness to train and fight against evil. he served thengel the father of theoden in rohan. he served ecthelion the father of denethor in gondor. he met gandalf and had many adventures together, eventually leading the dunedain  (rangers of the north) to guard the borders of the shire to protect the hobbits. eventually his ultimate mission was placed upon him to join the fellowship of the ring and aid the ringbearer in his quest. the rest of that story should be familiar to most people, but i want to highlight a few things that most people would completely miss.

a pivotal event in the lord of the rings was aragorn's decision to take the paths of the dead and summon the dead men of dunharrow. these men had promised isildur many years ago that they would come to his aid when he calls. but when isildur called in his dire need, they abandoned him. so isildur cursed them and they would never find peace until they repaid their debt to the heir of isildur. we all know that summoning the dead men of dunharrow completely turned the tides of the battle at minas tirith. but what do you think aragorn was thinking? was this going to WORK? will these dead people honour their debt?

and ultimately, am i really the heir of isildur?

a second event was aragorn's use of the palantir (seeing stone) to look for sauron the enemy. there he showed his enemy that the heir of isildur was still alive, and that he wielded the sword that cut the one ring off his finger. this served as a distraction to frodo who was bringing the ring closer and closer to mount doom. he followed this up with the final battle to fight sauron right at the black gate. at the enemy's own front door.

will sauron take the bait? did sauron truly know the worth of the heir of isildur?

at the conclusion of the final battle, aragorn claims his kingship of gondor and arnor, and he is crowned with an ancient crown, given the sceptre of annuminas and the elfstone elessar, all of which finally signifies his kingship.

the person of aragorn is about identity, which has been an ultimate question for me, and why i've related so much to his character. do you know who you are? do you know that you are an heir of God and co-heirs with Christ? if you finally know that in your heart, then will you rise up and live in that identity?