one of those rare days that after church lunch was possible, esther was trying to convince me to go watch "27 dresses" with the girls. as soon as she heard much opposition from the guys, she asked the next question: "why is it that girls always have to compromise to watch guy movies, but guys would never ever compromise to watch girl movies?"
i quote an article that i was reading the night before:
"And young people are absolutely striving for intimacy, for identity and for significance. Unfortunately, our post-modern culture often does a better job than we [the Christian community] do of addressing it. They don't have the true answers, but at least they are paying attention to the question."
there isn't a direct link between the quote and esther's question, but is another point that i am making. i love the truth of the first sentence: intimacy, identity, and significance. have these things been taught to you in school? do your parents ever tell you of their importance in life? most of us don't bat an eye as to the effect of these three things, but in reality, it composes the root of who you are.
who will be there to affirm that you are someone of worth? that your being, your words, your presence is worth so much?
will you know who you are? where you belong? that you are needed among friends? or is it that you are just another person that can be replaced?
and.. intimacy. do you truly KNOW someone? and do they truly KNOW you? can you be close to them?
such are the yearnings of the heart. here is another quote:
"...God cared about my deep, long-unmet need for fatherly love and affirmation. When I saw that the cry of my heart mattered to God, and that He had a pure and right way to answer it, I got the strength to break my dependence on sin."
God's grace, God's mercy, God's limitless love, God himself is the one that comes DOWN to us to intimately commune with us. he CARES about our deep, long-unmet need, the deep hidden darkness inside our hearts that causes our knees to buckle when even grazed upon. but because it is often so hidden, and our lives, our family and friends, our culture does such a wonderful job in making these fundamental ideas so ambiguous and invisible, we subconsciously find other things to try to satisfy these needs.
from the good to the bad, we find anything that we can to try to fill this hole: time with friends, close friends, significant others, the fun, video games, activities, productivity, school. all such things, the blessings of life, the richness of the experience, perverted just to fill yourself up with the wrong thing. and how painful it is, how deep the sorrow, when those things are torn away for your heart. when you thought you were worth something, but what you really thought was just wrong. when you thought you were knew who you were, but then life would continually prove you wrong. when you thought that you could share your heart, but in the end your heart was crushed. you may refuse to believe it all, but it would happen.
why do you think guys ever want to watch girl movies? maybe because they bring out the searing pain of lost intimacy, unmet need; sheer loneliness with no almighty god.
"why don't you heal, God? why don't you carry away my heart? how long, God?"
wounded: shane barnard
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Monday, February 04, 2008
thought tornado
it's been almost two months since i've written in this thing and it's hard to believe but one of the reasons i couldn't get myself to sit down and write here is because i don't know what to write anymore. so much stuff that has gone on that i can no longer follow it all, and my first attempts to try to dig through the terrible mess of ideas just runs away upon contact, fear over being overwhelmed by insecurity. now before it all slips away for good, let me try to write something down. before it all slips away for good.
--
i came back from montreal, got back to toronto. slept 10 hours a day, every day, went out and ran errands, lived back at home with the family. usual minor conflicts, but who doesn't have that? usual christmas up down get togethers, people give presents, popularity contest, who has the coolest things, who looks the prettiest. everyone back in town, who to go see, who to spend ur time with, when can it not be awkward. slept 10 hours a day. food. fun times. thinking about home. dreading work. not thinking. not thinking about myself. letting down my guard. no work done. slight disappointment. stagnant. where's God in me? still slept 10 hours a day. i skate. i fall, and then i skate again. then it was over. time to go back to waterloo. time to go, no more time now, it's time to get back to work. maybe God is here, not so far away.
*i sit here, quiet. they say that in the eye of the tornado, it's a bright sunny day. i watch those thoughts violently rotating around me, so ready to consume all that i am, but just barely out of grasp. there's a part of my mind that is bent to some people, and that had given me slight comfort. but no, i can only sit and wait until the winds calm down, before anyone can come close. God, please calm the winds now. help me to do only what is right now.*
back to waterloo. guys settling in, new environment, new ppl, different mcdougall. the school work comes. ccf committee comes. new responsibilities, still dreading work, dreaded work. i retain to my usual self, doing all i can do for people, secretly also for myself. parties, get-togethers, people coming over, skate skate skate, hockey, it's always happy, isn't it? school starts, i try to make it to class. failed after the first day. late nights. late mornings too. missed probably half my classes now, it's unbelievable. those late nights. what am i doing then? just staying up talking? why? to accomplish what? no time to think of that now, ccf committee coming. there's expectations, there's pressure, i have to be something now, no time to think of other things now. attention from the young ones, gotta show it up to them. long meetings, aren't so bad, but i feel like i take up space. be the person who u need to be, victor. i do it, it works. i pray, i fall asleep, always too tired. school work piles up. labs, design proj, assignments, copying notes, copying notes, more expectations, more performance demanded. winter retreat coming up. have to step it up, not enough manpower, victor, you do it. i did it. winter retreat came, it was excellent. pastor guy comes, encourages us, we feel lifted. now we're back again, not agreeing that it was a spiritual high. but the work overwhelms us. assignments, labs, copying notes. midterms. it's all coming, it's all coming now. things have been good, things have been bad. where am i now? where is God now? maybe God is here, not so far away.
--
--
i came back from montreal, got back to toronto. slept 10 hours a day, every day, went out and ran errands, lived back at home with the family. usual minor conflicts, but who doesn't have that? usual christmas up down get togethers, people give presents, popularity contest, who has the coolest things, who looks the prettiest. everyone back in town, who to go see, who to spend ur time with, when can it not be awkward. slept 10 hours a day. food. fun times. thinking about home. dreading work. not thinking. not thinking about myself. letting down my guard. no work done. slight disappointment. stagnant. where's God in me? still slept 10 hours a day. i skate. i fall, and then i skate again. then it was over. time to go back to waterloo. time to go, no more time now, it's time to get back to work. maybe God is here, not so far away.
*i sit here, quiet. they say that in the eye of the tornado, it's a bright sunny day. i watch those thoughts violently rotating around me, so ready to consume all that i am, but just barely out of grasp. there's a part of my mind that is bent to some people, and that had given me slight comfort. but no, i can only sit and wait until the winds calm down, before anyone can come close. God, please calm the winds now. help me to do only what is right now.*
back to waterloo. guys settling in, new environment, new ppl, different mcdougall. the school work comes. ccf committee comes. new responsibilities, still dreading work, dreaded work. i retain to my usual self, doing all i can do for people, secretly also for myself. parties, get-togethers, people coming over, skate skate skate, hockey, it's always happy, isn't it? school starts, i try to make it to class. failed after the first day. late nights. late mornings too. missed probably half my classes now, it's unbelievable. those late nights. what am i doing then? just staying up talking? why? to accomplish what? no time to think of that now, ccf committee coming. there's expectations, there's pressure, i have to be something now, no time to think of other things now. attention from the young ones, gotta show it up to them. long meetings, aren't so bad, but i feel like i take up space. be the person who u need to be, victor. i do it, it works. i pray, i fall asleep, always too tired. school work piles up. labs, design proj, assignments, copying notes, copying notes, more expectations, more performance demanded. winter retreat coming up. have to step it up, not enough manpower, victor, you do it. i did it. winter retreat came, it was excellent. pastor guy comes, encourages us, we feel lifted. now we're back again, not agreeing that it was a spiritual high. but the work overwhelms us. assignments, labs, copying notes. midterms. it's all coming, it's all coming now. things have been good, things have been bad. where am i now? where is God now? maybe God is here, not so far away.
--
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
invisible
every day and night. you go to work and you turn it on. you come back home, and the first thing you do is turn it on.
every moment i face the screen is another moment out of this world. like i opened the doors to the wardrobe and walked through, pushed aside those fur coats, hairs brushing against my cheek, until i suddenly feel the brisk cold of winter, except there isn't really that brisk cold of winter.
unhindered interactions with your closest friends, boundaries of geographic distance like nothing. and you'd all stay up so late for this, hours into the late night, even up till the morning. painful, yet satisfying.
you step in and explore this world, starting with small baby steps, tip toeing, just scratching the surface of it all. and the longer you stand in your place, the more confident you become, and you take an extra step more. you go where you've never gone before, your eyes widen, stretch, and your heart pumps blood in excitement to see what you would never see. it's a beauty, isn't it?
at first, it was dipping your feet into the cold pond. it starts off chilly, the cold riding up your leg and shivers your body. and then, long time after, it no longer is a foot in and a leg out, so easy.
i'm already lost in my own nature metaphors, lost in what i'm telling you, because it is so far from the truth. i can't distinguish one from the other, whether i am truly in one world or another. no, it's no longer so. i look inside a land of infinity, now seeing things i would never imagine to see, would not even tear myself away from. but really what i am looking at, looking into, is a screen, looking right back at me, straight at me, only at me. he looks at me for so long, that will he not just see through to my soul? would he not look deep into my eyes, so blinded by himself, that he would see everything that he needs to do to complete the illusion?
the invisible closes around me and it becomes life. unhindered interactions? no boundaries? no, there are. in the end, you forget where you are, you lose your sense of direction. now you pick which victor you are, but there's only one choice now. the one that doesn't see heart, doesn't see emotion, doesn't see reaction. just words. words, subtext, metaphors, clever wit, implications, and whatever else you can see and read with just WORDS.
what to do now.
every moment i face the screen is another moment out of this world. like i opened the doors to the wardrobe and walked through, pushed aside those fur coats, hairs brushing against my cheek, until i suddenly feel the brisk cold of winter, except there isn't really that brisk cold of winter.
unhindered interactions with your closest friends, boundaries of geographic distance like nothing. and you'd all stay up so late for this, hours into the late night, even up till the morning. painful, yet satisfying.
you step in and explore this world, starting with small baby steps, tip toeing, just scratching the surface of it all. and the longer you stand in your place, the more confident you become, and you take an extra step more. you go where you've never gone before, your eyes widen, stretch, and your heart pumps blood in excitement to see what you would never see. it's a beauty, isn't it?
at first, it was dipping your feet into the cold pond. it starts off chilly, the cold riding up your leg and shivers your body. and then, long time after, it no longer is a foot in and a leg out, so easy.
i'm already lost in my own nature metaphors, lost in what i'm telling you, because it is so far from the truth. i can't distinguish one from the other, whether i am truly in one world or another. no, it's no longer so. i look inside a land of infinity, now seeing things i would never imagine to see, would not even tear myself away from. but really what i am looking at, looking into, is a screen, looking right back at me, straight at me, only at me. he looks at me for so long, that will he not just see through to my soul? would he not look deep into my eyes, so blinded by himself, that he would see everything that he needs to do to complete the illusion?
the invisible closes around me and it becomes life. unhindered interactions? no boundaries? no, there are. in the end, you forget where you are, you lose your sense of direction. now you pick which victor you are, but there's only one choice now. the one that doesn't see heart, doesn't see emotion, doesn't see reaction. just words. words, subtext, metaphors, clever wit, implications, and whatever else you can see and read with just WORDS.
what to do now.
Sunday, November 11, 2007
some wisdom from ravi zacharias
1. Anything that refreshes you without distracting, diminishing or destroying your final goal is a legitimate pleasure.
2. Any pleasure that jeopardizes the sacred right of another may well be an illicit pleasure
3. Anything pleasure, however good, if not kept in balance, will distort reality or destroy appetite.
Definition of sin: whatever weakens reasoning, impairs the tenderness of conscience, obscures sense of god, takes away relish for spiritual things, in short, anything that increases authority and power of the flesh over the spirit, that becomes sin, however good it is in itself. (John Wesley’s mom)
Applications
1. Pleasure for pleasure’s sake will leave you empty
2. There is a place for legitimate pleasure
3. It is worship (intimacy with God) that brings complete pleasure
2. Any pleasure that jeopardizes the sacred right of another may well be an illicit pleasure
3. Anything pleasure, however good, if not kept in balance, will distort reality or destroy appetite.
Definition of sin: whatever weakens reasoning, impairs the tenderness of conscience, obscures sense of god, takes away relish for spiritual things, in short, anything that increases authority and power of the flesh over the spirit, that becomes sin, however good it is in itself. (John Wesley’s mom)
Applications
1. Pleasure for pleasure’s sake will leave you empty
2. There is a place for legitimate pleasure
3. It is worship (intimacy with God) that brings complete pleasure
Sunday, November 04, 2007
november nuances
returning from a weekend in ottawa with friends marked the end of october and a good beginning to november. i was reminded that it is a new day, and a new month, and a new beginning. not only so, it was also the official halfway point of the term. as such, it was imperative to reflect on the past few months, as well as to plan for the upcoming months.
i know what it appears to you, but i don't think it's so bad being in montreal. i just had the thought today that it truly was a cool thing to be able to live in another city for a period of time, and see what different things there are to see, eat the food, and spending time with new friends. those are good things, and i tend to magnify the bad things by habit. yes it does get very quiet here and it does get quite lonely without too many new friends. i have to remember my opportunity to be here, and the cool things to experience and to remind myself to live.
for the past few weeks i've noticed a major mental block again, though just a week or two ago i did come to a realization with.. something.. i don't really remember what right now. but now i seem to be distracted with something i don't know what, that i can't really think clearly. curses to that.
there's been a terrific paradox that has been troubling me. i know that i've definitely not used my time wisely these past few months. i feel like i've wasted a lot of time, and not really accomplishing anything. this has been caused by laziness and a lack of motivation. but when it comes to doing things.. i find that it feels really meaningless. sheer following of a schedule, completing a checklist, doing it for the sake of checking it off a list. that has been a strategy to encourage myself to do things, but once that becomes your incentive, everything loses its meaning. this becomes more and more unfortunate when the things you have to do have more meaning.
so here will be the thoughts that i want to have thought through, and the things i would like to have done.
-ccf magnets. we said we wanted some, i have the supplies to make some.
-bible and prayer. bible and prayer. need i say more.
-read more books. enjoy them, learn from them, and don't read them for the sake of finishing them.
-play more piano. 1800 bucks is a lot of money to collect dust.
-singing. i need to fix my voice.
-guitar. a lower priority thing, but worthy. learn more guitar makes for better worship leading.
things to think about
-future ccf goals? how to serve, why am i serving? i shouldn't serve just because they need someone.
-men's cell? mcdougall ministry? what should i do, when to do it? we should plan these things early
-lifesong? do i want to do coordinate it? do i want to do it this term, or another term?
-mentorship driven? with age and experience (compared to the younger ones), we should be sharing it.
-workshops? same as previous point.
i know what it appears to you, but i don't think it's so bad being in montreal. i just had the thought today that it truly was a cool thing to be able to live in another city for a period of time, and see what different things there are to see, eat the food, and spending time with new friends. those are good things, and i tend to magnify the bad things by habit. yes it does get very quiet here and it does get quite lonely without too many new friends. i have to remember my opportunity to be here, and the cool things to experience and to remind myself to live.
for the past few weeks i've noticed a major mental block again, though just a week or two ago i did come to a realization with.. something.. i don't really remember what right now. but now i seem to be distracted with something i don't know what, that i can't really think clearly. curses to that.
there's been a terrific paradox that has been troubling me. i know that i've definitely not used my time wisely these past few months. i feel like i've wasted a lot of time, and not really accomplishing anything. this has been caused by laziness and a lack of motivation. but when it comes to doing things.. i find that it feels really meaningless. sheer following of a schedule, completing a checklist, doing it for the sake of checking it off a list. that has been a strategy to encourage myself to do things, but once that becomes your incentive, everything loses its meaning. this becomes more and more unfortunate when the things you have to do have more meaning.
so here will be the thoughts that i want to have thought through, and the things i would like to have done.
-ccf magnets. we said we wanted some, i have the supplies to make some.
-bible and prayer. bible and prayer. need i say more.
-read more books. enjoy them, learn from them, and don't read them for the sake of finishing them.
-play more piano. 1800 bucks is a lot of money to collect dust.
-singing. i need to fix my voice.
-guitar. a lower priority thing, but worthy. learn more guitar makes for better worship leading.
things to think about
-future ccf goals? how to serve, why am i serving? i shouldn't serve just because they need someone.
-men's cell? mcdougall ministry? what should i do, when to do it? we should plan these things early
-lifesong? do i want to do coordinate it? do i want to do it this term, or another term?
-mentorship driven? with age and experience (compared to the younger ones), we should be sharing it.
-workshops? same as previous point.
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