two pages, double spaced, part one.

the queens teacher's college year comes to a close this wednesday april 30. a pillar of teacher's college education is the reflection paper, and we've had to do so many that it has become trite. all the students know what they are looking for, so we give them what they want. despite that, i have been doing my own reflection that i take more seriously. i'll write down a few points here in several posts, because i still need some time to go through my thoughts for the whole year.

**

this year has been a time of meeting new people. in fact i have met a lot more people this year than probably the past five years combined. when i started this program, i did not think it would happen this way but it was a surprise. what i did know early on was that the entire education program had around 600 students, which can be further segregated into different categories. realistically, i would only have the reach of my 5 classes x ~25 students per class = 125 students if interacting with people at 100% effectiveness. that isn't realistic, and i probably fired at more like 10-15%.

but i went into it fairly excited because i had decided this was a year to be away from the chinese christian bubble that i was deep into when i was in waterloo. it was a good chance to become friends with non-christians find a chance to share the gospel (wasn't good at that). the most apparent thing to me had been the age difference. the majority of students here graduated from their undergrad on the previous year, which would make me 5 years older. everyone i've met are mature 23 year olds with some morality that are decently hard working and strive to become good teachers. i participated in their conversations, but the age difference was clear for me. life experience and working made me care less about the outcome of school work. effort wasn't worth it without payout (effort wasn't worth it for me even when i had payout). perhaps it was a confidence that i didn't have to care about anything yet everything will be okay, because i believed that i've done what's needed in the present, and will have what it takes in an uncertain future. maybe i felt older because i haven't truly changed my view that i was supposed to become a student.

meeting people took a quick and progressive turn as there were previous waterloo grads in the program. i took the momentum into my own hands and managed to create a community of chinese christians which i spent the majority of my time with. more on that another time.

here is the lesson that i gained from all this meeting people talk. meeting students is one thing but it was the most amazing meeting people that were:

1. passionate about what they do
2. are good at what they are doing
3. are willing to help you become passionate/become good at their craft

i saw this firstly with some of the profs i had. i had okay relationship with a few of the profs, and found i was able to have more honest conversations with them than i ever did with profs. maybe part of me felt unable to be completely open with the younger folk and the profs were maybe closer in maturity than me? that was funny to think about, that i was old enough to talk to 50+ year olds.

secondly i started going on practicums where i had to work directly with two different associate teachers (as well as their colleagues in the dept, of which some had more impact on me than others). i got an unpaid internship at desire2learn inc no thanks to myself and met many people in my department willing to help me, teach me and become friends at least for the short term. in fact, these were all people that were teaching and preparing me to make an opportunity for myself in the future. my natural response was gratefulness for their efforts, and a slight feeling of being in debt to them too. i also felt a lot of respect for these people who were good in their field, that they are capable of teaching me, yet still do their jobs well.

by now i feel like i have a few people up on pedestals, either by way of respect/gratitude/in debt, or by way of friendship appreciation. i made efforts to network and stay connected with work people, and i've added more people to my network of regular keep up friends to the point that even i thought i was outdoing myself. wouldn't put down my phone. i did my best to create socially successful situations, i provided extra attention to others where necessary, and tried to manage it all like i was conducting an orchestra. it was all a work of art.

i remember that "all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." all the people that i love, and all the people that i respect and am in debt to, are sinners just like i am. those people have been great to me, and others have just been average acquaintances, but everyone needs a saviour just like i do. those pedestals don't bring them any closer to Christ. i need to garner my expectations from a reactive place of sheer gratitude/appreciation and couple it with the doctrine that what people do can be valuable but it does not earn our salvation.

the search for love and for passion is on the hearts of everyone, but it must be rooted in the desire for people to know Christ. otherwise everything will go out of control.

two X fourteen = twentyeight

say whatever youth related cliche you want, but when one can start recalling a memory with the phrase "10 years ago.." where the memory is when you are an adult, then you have surpassed the cliches. you are no longer young at heart. no matter what life stage you are, you are a full fledged adult living an adult life. i came to this realization a few years earlier but now that i have 28, "10 years ago" was 18, considered the official age of adulthood. perhaps last year i psyched myself out with some panic about my life direction, but this year there is no turning back.

don't get me wrong though. when i say that i am old, it is almost always not in a negative light. i do have a level of anxiety regarding life direction just like anyone else would. i recognize that i have taken a step back in the general perceived pace of both career path and with relationships compared to the many of my peers, and with that are their associated challenges. but being older has also been a celebration of collected experiences that can be rummaged through like a case of miscellaneous trophies, perhaps taken out to admire and reflect upon at the right moment. younger folk have empty cases.

for me, it's also been a relief not to have to go through certain firsts again. at least now they will be seconds or thirds. my signature cynicism is still accepting applicants, but current members need not reapply. for a slower admission, i would have a bit of relief.

one of the most valuable parts of age is.. backing. my life experience gives me backing for the future.

in honour of twenty eight years, this is written based on the numerology as written in the title. and so, here are fourteen dualities for you to think about. and for me to decide.

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introversion - in the quiet. in the stillness. watch, think, observe, learn.

extroversion - a life of the party, while secretly drawing in outsiders to create life of their own.

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tragedy - welcomes pain because adapted to pain, absorb pain. romanticizing sacrifice.

comedy - everything is funny. let's make everyone's day!

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compassion - i don't shy away from pain but i want to take it away from everyone else.

narcissism - my way or the highway. can't see you can't hear you.

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visionary - inspire machine, seek for me a new song, a new idea. paint for me a palette of new futures.

execution - right now, you can't stop me from doing anything else but this. damn right i'm good at it.

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diligence - goal setting, focus, brute force, silence until completion.

apathy - freecell.

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bitterness - it's half empty because.

acceptance - there isn't any way you can come to me that i will not accept.

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creation - give every opportunity to fail 100 times just for the 1 masterpiece.

consumption - i'm here thirsting for analysis, for thinking, for knowledge, for news, for sports news, for entertainment news, for movies, for shows. for just sitting here, consuming.

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the munchings of a considerate narcissist

it was late. the sky was black, with light rain sprinkling, as a typical fall night would in toronto. i had just finished watching a movie with a friend and on my way home. I did not have much food before the movie, and by now my hunger governed me to detour to a burger joint. i found one still open  and entered. There was a surprising number of people inside considering the time, so i had to line up to order.

i ordered their signature burger, fries and a small drink. with my tray, i picked a spot away from people and took a seat. i was ravenous by then, and wasted no time to open up my burger while devouring the fries. when i was able to catch a breath, i realized i was sitting across from the window, and i could see own reflection in the window while looking out. there i was, one guy, eating a burger, stoic, darkness surrounding me. then i realized that this was an image of one of the most lonely and self-serving experiences i could have.

the image stared back at me, and asked me how I got to this place. it was this whole year, summed up in one burger and fries: it was delicious; it was unhealthy. it was hopeful; it was anxiety. it was caring; it was selfish.

there is freedom knowing that there is an end to what is not right for you. I believed that there was no point being less than satisfied with something I know I could do but not believe the heart of. early this year I made the first high risk decision of my life to quit my stable job. I made my second high risk decision of my life to apply for teacher's college. this was partially based on one statement "you don't want to one day regret not trying it". high risk decisions get rave reviews. my favorite response was "are you sure?" and people ask about it all the time, which I guess is nice, but seems to me like there isn't much thought put into the questions or they are just misinformed. when people get asked the same question over and over again, we feel bad to give you a crappy answer. I recently heard of one fellow's strategy to not tell anyone any details at all about plans until it is fully completed, so that questions don't get asked. fair or unfair? I faced a year of my family's intermittent disapprovals and manipulative tactics leaving stability to insecurity. by definition, there is no certainty in a high risk decision. you have to make a high risk decision some time if you are going to make a decision for yourself, for better or for worse.

this year has been the biggest year for weddings yet. there were friends and close friends and closest friends getting married. it is wonderful for couples to prepare for their next stage of life, and for them to invite their friends to be a witness to their union. with that comes the celebration and the fun. this year I invented the term "wedding effects". due to the emotions and the atmosphere of a wedding, people have an increased impatience to move to the next stage. there was one rather absurd discussion about not liking their seating arrangement because the seating arrangement clearly reminded him or her of their current stage. these things are never a "at least you are not at this previous stage" even though that may be the first thing you want to say to such a person. but you do not. I invented the term but I think wedding effects led me to do some funny things this time around. silly rabbit. so being a part of a wedding is a great joy. you get to share a moment of spotlight with your friend who deserves all the spotlight then. and people get to see that you were a somebody at least at some point in that person's life. and strangers will have to take that at face value. attention seeking plus wedding effects is a cocktail drug. there's all that fuel about "yeah ladies he's single" and given the opportunity to look good out there, you might as well increase your odds. apparently there was a guy that was surprised that I was single. I had a few mixed emotions when it was all over.. the excitement of "look at me!" plus the joy of "be happy for them!" and the outside talks of "did you meet someone at the wedding this time". after much rational thought, I thought I did splendid.

which leads me to this.
the considerate narcissist.
by appearance a narcissist, but at heart a lover. maybe to a fault.
it's what i've thought is right, for better or for worse.

i check my phone out of habit. there were no messages. i was already finished my burger.
wanting to look back at the reflection no more, i left the restaurant and drove home.

there was one comment a few weeks ago that was given to me that i accepted quickly and without much thought.

in the occurrence of a once-in-twenty-years ice storm in toronto,

i did not see a tree in the middle of my lane leading me to damage the passenger door, and

a large block of ice flew off the car ahead of me and smashed my windshield. 

and i felt unfortunate that this would all happen to me all at once despite not having any car accidents in the 10 years that i've driven. the cost of these events were high, both financially, emotionally, mentally, in a place where admitting my mistakes is no console. because of all of this, i felt i deserved vindication.

then someone said "it's statistical probability." 

any student of probability and statistics can tell you that.. probability and statistics have no feelings. so why should i have any feelings? why should i deserve vindication? why would a dice seek vindication for rolling one number over any other?

***

probability is a tool that God can use.
and we remember:

we can end our own cycle of shame and begin a cycle of hope.  

we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us. romans 5:3-4. 

the problem of sleep #5

my university schedule term has two 8:30's, two 9:30's and one day where class doesn't start until 3:50 pm. it didn't take long for me for me to encounter again my familiar struggle of sleep.

just because it's only the 5th, doesn't mean this hasn't been going on for long.

well it's been back in full force. part of it is the optional nature of classes (most classes are mandatory), but also the need/desire to stay up late to do ____________, or the lack of desire to go to sleep, or also the insatiable desire for satisfaction in entertainment that leads to a late night. the late nights usual result in a high risk wake up for the early class, or the higher probability of sleeping in and waking up at noon. this usually perpetuates into a cycle, requiring a gargantuan effort to break. challenges to break the cycle include staying up and being useful while tired for an entire day, fighting naps, fighting itis,

anyway, this is nothing new and has been written about here 4 times. what is new is more obstacles to go against sleep than before, and more resilience to stay awake late. the high probability sleeping in occurs enough and keeps me awake late into the night. then 3 am became commonplace, so did 4 am, and sometimes 5 am. by the time it gets to those hours, it was absolutely impossible getting up for early classes.

most people do not understand that this isn't so easy as "just sleep earlier" without considering all the external factors, which frustrates me greatly. if it was easy then i would have already done it.

i had some discussion about my cycles, and he suggested that i take melatonin. after some research, i purchased a bottle (located in the vitamins section) and ingested a 3 mg tablet. after sleeping at 5 am the previous night, i aimed to sleep at 2 am. it appeared to have worked, and at least i shifted back 3 hours and am aiming to eventually have an average sleep time of 1 am. i have taken only one pill so far.

here's a little bit on melatonin:

The hormone melatonin helps control your natural sleep-wake cycle. Natural levels of melatonin in the blood are highest at night. Some research suggests that melatonin supplements might be helpful in treating jet lag or reducing the time it takes to fall asleep — although the effect is typically mild. Melatonin might be more effective for other types of sleep issues, such as delayed sleep disorder or sleep disorders affecting circadian rhythm.

If you're considering taking melatonin supplements, check with your doctor first — especially if you have any health conditions. The correct dose depends on the intended use. For example, circadian rhythm sleep disorders are often treated with 0.5 milligrams of melatonin a day, while doses of 3 to 5 milligrams a day might be used to treat jet lag or reduce the time it takes to fall asleep. In addition, remember that melatonin is generally recommended only for short-term use — up to two months. Some research indicates that longer term use might be appropriate in certain cases, however.

If you take melatonin, choose commercial supplements produced in a lab. Melatonin supplements made from animal sources might contain various contaminants. Don't engage in activities that require alertness — such as driving or operating heavy machinery — for four to five hours after taking melatonin.