thought tornado

it's been almost two months since i've written in this thing and it's hard to believe but one of the reasons i couldn't get myself to sit down and write here is because i don't know what to write anymore. so much stuff that has gone on that i can no longer follow it all, and my first attempts to try to dig through the terrible mess of ideas just runs away upon contact, fear over being overwhelmed by insecurity. now before it all slips away for good, let me try to write something down. before it all slips away for good.

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i came back from montreal, got back to toronto. slept 10 hours a day, every day, went out and ran errands, lived back at home with the family. usual minor conflicts, but who doesn't have that? usual christmas up down get togethers, people give presents, popularity contest, who has the coolest things, who looks the prettiest. everyone back in town, who to go see, who to spend ur time with, when can it not be awkward. slept 10 hours a day. food. fun times. thinking about home. dreading work. not thinking. not thinking about myself. letting down my guard. no work done. slight disappointment. stagnant. where's God in me? still slept 10 hours a day. i skate. i fall, and then i skate again. then it was over. time to go back to waterloo. time to go, no more time now, it's time to get back to work. maybe God is here, not so far away.

*i sit here, quiet. they say that in the eye of the tornado, it's a bright sunny day. i watch those thoughts violently rotating around me, so ready to consume all that i am, but just barely out of grasp. there's a part of my mind that is bent to some people, and that had given me slight comfort. but no, i can only sit and wait until the winds calm down, before anyone can come close. God, please calm the winds now. help me to do only what is right now.*

back to waterloo. guys settling in, new environment, new ppl, different mcdougall. the school work comes. ccf committee comes. new responsibilities, still dreading work, dreaded work. i retain to my usual self, doing all i can do for people, secretly also for myself. parties, get-togethers, people coming over, skate skate skate, hockey, it's always happy, isn't it? school starts, i try to make it to class. failed after the first day. late nights. late mornings too. missed probably half my classes now, it's unbelievable. those late nights. what am i doing then? just staying up talking? why? to accomplish what? no time to think of that now, ccf committee coming. there's expectations, there's pressure, i have to be something now, no time to think of other things now. attention from the young ones, gotta show it up to them. long meetings, aren't so bad, but i feel like i take up space. be the person who u need to be, victor. i do it, it works. i pray, i fall asleep, always too tired. school work piles up. labs, design proj, assignments, copying notes, copying notes, more expectations, more performance demanded. winter retreat coming up. have to step it up, not enough manpower, victor, you do it. i did it. winter retreat came, it was excellent. pastor guy comes, encourages us, we feel lifted. now we're back again, not agreeing that it was a spiritual high. but the work overwhelms us. assignments, labs, copying notes. midterms. it's all coming, it's all coming now. things have been good, things have been bad. where am i now? where is God now? maybe God is here, not so far away.

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